How to deal with someone that is depressed is an issue that everyone deals with at some point. Especially on some online forums like this one. So I thought I would post up some thoughts on the subject for the people that care. This is specifically written for the online environment where you may not even know the person very well - like on this forum:

1. If anyone is asking for help, even on a public forum on the internet, this does not mean they have a lack of moral character or are 'just whining.' The opposite is true: it takes both courage and wisdom to be open when you are depressed. Depression is one of the big ironies in life in that it drives people to be alone which in turn makes it worse. It takes a truly insightful and brave person to recognize that, understand that, and talk about it. Especially knowing that a lot of responses they will receive will be hurtful. Your job, if you care to help, is to help them understand that they have taken a big step, and be encouraging to them for doing so.

2. Even if you are not a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc... you can provide emotional support by simply caring. A person suffering from depression is not out looking for artificial sympathy or attention - they are, just like everyone else when we talk about our problems, hoping to find that in reality other people do care despite what their depression is telling them. Telling someone to "grow up" or "we all have our problems" are NOT good things to say and help no one. It's better to keep your mouth shut if you are only going to be dismissive and uncaring.

3. Don’t try to talk a depressed person out their feelings. A depressed person’s feelings may seem irrational to someone that is not depressed, but telling them they are wrong or arguing with them is not the way to go. Depression is a CURABLE disease and it does have roots in biochemical processes in the body. Just because it is expressed emotionally - does not mean it isn't real.

4. Don't take pessimism personally.

5. Stay in contact with them as appropriate. Send them a friendly email message or simply leave a note on their webpage if you care. Just be positive, not overwhelming or artificial.

6. Don't try to take on their problems by yourself. Don't try to 'counsel' them over the internet, or show them your super-secret fool-proof methodology of attaining happiness that you read about on some webpage. If it were that easy, no one would suffer from depression. Instead encourage them to talk to their family, see trained clergy, a primary care physician, a counselor, a psychologist, etc. If nothing else, there are support groups / forums present on the internet that are monitored and guided by mental health practitioners that they can be directed to.

7. Suicide - take it seriously if mentioned. Be concerned. Never try to 'call someone out' on a suicide threat or tell them they are just looking for attention. Suicide is one of the biggest killers of teenagers today and regardless of age, people do follow through with it. The last percentage I've heard was 15% follow through with a suicide attempt after making any known mention of it to someone else. That is NOT insignificant nor an empty threat - as thoughts of suicide are recurrent in many people that are depressed... and it only takes one attempt to lose a life.



I am posting this mainly in response to some of the responses I've seen in other threads dealing with this issue. Although most people here are very compassionate - there are others that simply aren't and others that made simple mistakes with good intentions. I simply hope some people read this and change their approach next time someone posts a thought about being depressed.

Feedback/criticism is welcome.

Remind the person that depression is time limited. It doesn't last forever, it will come and go as does happy times. It's normal. We just want to work towards a more balanced and happy life overall.

You can remind them of a happier time and of how they make others happy if they do. Of an up and coming happy occassion to look forward to. It's step by step moving towards happiness.

One of the biggest things if you can do it is.... Make them laugh and keep them laughing. Timing is everything though.

Later: If the person has repeated patterns they will likely be in denial of this. You have to keep a light record and hope that they don't bite you when you point out the consistency of their depression. Ask that they keep their own record and that they review their own life as though they were someone else outside. A lot of people forget to look outside of themselves and inward for answers.

Last, follow up with them the next day.... let'm know everythings cool!

Former Behaviorist with 10 years of experience talking people out of suicide and into a better life. Pattin' my own back. now goin' to celebrate somewhere.

I think this is a really great guide. I just got finished talking to my therapist about similar things. We were going through what would be helpful when friends and others talk to me. No real criticism because these are very true.

I think #4 can elaborated on though.

Here's the other side of the coin saying you have every right to pat yourself on the back. I would truely like to see some quotes of unintentional mistakes. Let's just say we can all learn from it. Having been bi polar etc...and suicidal for most of my life, I can attest to mistakes that can scar people unintentionally. As far as I have seen, and I will make a point of browsing through the depression support thread again, there has been much love and compassion. Follow ups on people with caring e-mails and much more. Please, fill me in?

Personally, I think this is an incredible post. I live with from depression, bordering on bi-polar. You notice I say "live with". I'm having a good day. A good week. When things are good, I can live with this disease without a problem. And yes, depression is a disease. I also have suicidal tendencies. There is nothing worse than feeling like the world is caving in and there's no way out. The world is dark, and humid, filled with shadows and screams that others can't see or hear. I live alone...and these times are the worst for me. I have prescribed sleeping pills for insomnia, and tranquilizers for the bad nights. Many times I've called my daughter crying so hard that she can't understand anything I try to say. She's there for me, in a heartbeat. She never asks why, or what. She just does. It took a long time for me to learn to reach out to her. Most people don't know I have depression. When I mentioned to my mom that I was diagnosed..her response was "Oh Chae, just get over it". She refuses to awknowledge that one of her kids isn't perfect. Ok. It's hard for some people to accept. Having depression doesn't man I'm not human. It doesn't mean that I don't want what everyone else wants. It doesn't mean I don't deserve to be loved. It means that I, as well as anyone else with this disease, may require a little more understanding.

lol, the name really isn't so ironic. I do my best not to bytch and complain about that which I have no control over. And the things I can control..if I screwed up, I have no one to blame but myself. Every failure is a lesson..if we allow it to be.

This can be a very helpful guide. qwitcher, hi! I've been going through a breakdown for the last week or so. dont feel alone. I have missed a week of college and I was so happy to be there. broke down right in one of my classes......this post pulled me out of hiding, at least for a time. I was deactivated.

I think it is great that you have your daughter to talk to when you are having it rough. Sorry about your mom. Mine does the same thing. I have no one to cry to for the time being. I know whatcha mean about *****ing and moaning....I don't do it much here. I have vented a couple of times, but this is like a vaction to me being here. I would rather help others than worry about me. Seems sometimes we just can't help it though.

You are pretty strong to be ere talking about it though. Took me a long time to create the depression support thread. I mulled it over several times before I posted it. I was hoping that we could get our own topic, but not yet I guess.

Everyone should be welcome to post. And they are. Thanks for this post and I do hope that some examples of "mistakes" can be pointed out, even if it is in private e-mails.

creations, those breakdowns are tough, I know. Sometimes it takes something as simple as this to help pull us out. I'm glad you came back and joined us here! It's nice to be able to talk to people that understand. I don't have any friends (that I know of) that live with depression, so the topic isn't one that is brought up. Sometimes, just talking about it when you're going thru an "episode" is all it takes to get thru it. patience and understanding..it's what we need, right? Hit me up anytime you wanna talk. =)

(((Qwicher))) thanks.... I might do that sometime. I'm kida in the hiding faze right now. I just had to respond to this post tho.....I'm glad you're here too. I have no friends either. Long story. All my friends are on this site, oh and my art teacher, lol.

To elaborate on #4: Don't take pessimism personally.

Simply don't be turned off or get personally upset by negative statements such as 'no one cares,' 'no one can really understand the way I feel,' 'you think you have it bad, you should live in my world,' etc...

Just be acceptant that that is the way they really feel. Don't take it personally even though you are trying to be helpful, understanding, and caring. You don't live in their shoes and you don't really know how they feel. So avoid getting into personal arguments about who actually has it worse or tell them about how much worse you had/have it than them.

Relating is fine, personal comparing - not so much.

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creationsfire: I think it's great that thread is there. This post wasn't a specific criticism of that thread at all. Nor specifically this forum.

Just reread that last sentence: "Relating is fine, personal comparing - not so much."

Meant to say: "Relating is fine and helpful, personal comparing to win an argument - not so much."

Wish there were an edit function....

Well, thanks for the clarification as to what you mean't by #4 and yes it would be nice if we could edit.

I realize your post here was made in an effort to help, and it has. But the depression support thread is the only one here, so I can only sermise (SP?) that you are feeling tat some of us have been less than helpful.

Yes we do try not to compare. Support is the key word and identifying with each other may sometimes seem like comparison, but I haven't seem much of that or at all.

How do you relate with out talking about something as personal as this kind of problem. This is something that, in my experience, is very helpful if people talk about things that have in common. It is terribly hard to find places to talk about things like this.

I am not taking what you said personally, but trying to understand where you got #4 from? What post made you pick #4?

i was diognosed bipolar 2 years ago and like some i live with it, some days are good, some are way too good and some just suck. i just recently ended things with a guy i was seeing on and off for two years, the off being when he wanted to try again with his girlfriend, and i actually didnt feel like dying this time around. therapists do help after all

I actually didn't elaborate on #4 at first for a reason: I don't think I've seen that one done here. But you really wouldn't see it in most cases. If you care about someone and are listening to them and they say things such as 'no one really cares' or 'no one listens to me,' Some people will assume their attempts to show care and to listen to them are failing and just move on and never again bother.




But I need to clarify more:

Speaking of your own experiences with someone else is great! That would be relating. Like people have been doing on this thread. Comparing your own experiences with someone else is great too.

It would *only* be when one person takes what someone else says and intentionally one ups them to make it seem like they are the only one that has it bad: "Hey you might be sad, but you don't have it as bad as me (or whoever). Let me tell you what bad really is... "

I apologize for going off on a tangent with that one but I hope that clarifies what I mean.

It does. Thanks

kiannasunshine: I wouldn't be happy in that type of relationship either. Repeatedly leaving for an ex? >< Glad you could move on!