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| Topic: FLAWS... | |
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Flaws maketh the man and woman, but it only matters if they are perfect for each other....just saying....
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It's our imperfections that make us all so unique.... Sure we can easily fall in love with what we perceive as perfection.... But if we can't fall in love with those crazy...freaky...creepy...flaws....ummmm attributes.... Then what hope have we got.... Hey Mikey! Welcome back 
I just want to make sure that people understand that this thread is not about running away from flaws. It is about taking an honest look at flaws and an honest look about our capacity to cope with them. And even more importantly, our capacity to deal with the hugely detrimental /tragic flaws. For example. the prospective partner who who is amusingly drunk at all the parties may not be so cute years later when you worry about them daily killing themselves or someone else in a drunken driving incident. The lively gambling habit is oh so entertaining in the beginning but not so much when years later your family is millions of dollars in debt over the gambling problem. We're not talking about your common household flaws here. We're talking about the more dangerous types of flaws. And obviously people have to decide if their prospective partner is worth the risk. |
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Flaws flaws.... what are these flaws you speak of...hmm You are perfect Doc. This thread in no way applies to you 
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And to me too.
Dang! I hate it when I have no choice but to blow my own trumpet...just saying.. |
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And to me too. Dang! I hate it when I have no choice but to blow my own trumpet...just saying.. Woopsey! Yet another oversight. You are flawless too divorced one. Please ignore this irrelevant thread 
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Good post Peggy. Many angles and many insights. If someone was in this situation, I would say there is no clear strategy. If you try to analyze too deeply you run the risk of over controlling the relationship. You must respect yourself enough, that when you see something unaceptable, do not try to overlook it, deal with it at that time. It is better to deal with it sooner than later. If not your partner will wounder why you didn't have a problem with it before. The partner might thing your just looking for a way out. Don't try to change someone. Get your partner to "see" that the suggestions are self improvements, that will make both of you happy. Quid pro quo. Latin for something for something. Don't just make suggestions to change your partner, point that shiny focus lamp on yourself. To avoid the preception that you are making your mate do all the changes, you do some changing too. Do the things your partner likes too, no matter how much you find them dull, uninteresting or pointless. If you do this your partner will take interest in those silly frilly things that you love. Well Peggy, I hope this was helpful to your post. Remember, this ain't ma first rodeo! Ciao baby!   
I totally agree with everything you said Rob. Overlooking flaws won't solve anything and will eventually have to be confronted. I also like what you said about pointing that shiny focus lamp on yourself and ensuring that you are as committed to making changes as you desire them to be. That's what compromise is all about and it's essential. But I would hope that these mutual changes don't involve mutually losing a fundamental fibre of who they are . That would be another problem altogether 
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And to me too. Dang! I hate it when I have no choice but to blow my own trumpet...just saying.. Woopsey! Yet another oversight. You are flawless too divorced one. Please ignore this irrelevant thread
You sure you dont want me to ignore you to..??? 
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I actually did try the "twenty good things can make the one or two dreadful ones tolerable" route. It seemed logical, especially since there's no such thing as perfection. I figured I could focus on the positives, and close my eyes to the problems, kind of like saying a mantra to avoid thinking about stuff that makes a person sad. It was a total disaster. Wrong is wrong. Compatibility isn't quantitative. The opposite, if anything. If you have, say, ten core values, which are what are essential to you, there can be ten thousand other things that are flaws, and they wont matter a damn. On the other hand, there can be a million things right, but if one of the core items is wrong, it's like eating a meal that's 99.9 % nutrition and .1% deadly poison. I like the example you gave about eating a meal that's 99.9 % nutrition and .1% deadly poison. It's very easy to be lulled into a false sense of relationship security when you are inebriated by a person's stellar qualities, but detrimental flaws have away at contaminating our relationships very gradually like the 1% poison you described in your analogy. |
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My Demons refuse to play nice with anyone I've ever met, but if I had to choose one of the three inquiries above I would have to go with a self destructive twist of all that leans toward the third. Meaning the more attributes a potential mate has the faster I assume that they have little to no real interest in me. I do this because over the last 20 years I have determined (using scientific methods and statistics) that the females that seem to be the most interested in me, I don't have much interest for and vice-versa. In laymen's terms, I've excepted that I will be in the friend zone till the day I die. Out of curiousity, do you ever wonder if because you assume that your attraction won't be reciprocated , is it possible that you subconsciously send out friendship vibes that the women you like respond to in kind? Anyways, meanwhile I am fortunate to find people with whom there is mutual intellectual, physical and emotional chemistry but our values, goals or lifestyles have clashed repeatedly thus far. The end result is still the same as yours
The only difference is that I haven't lost hope yet, but like you, I plan to embrace my singleness if that's how life works out. Even now I embrace it. There is a lot of fun and substance to be had on this side of the fence as well :) Oh I'm pretty sure that that was true close to when I stopped looking about ten years ago and I was getting really tired of getting shot down. Before that I don't know what more I could have done, I did my best to show I was interested, slipped in the occasional comment about hooking up, and on a few occasions showed that I was good with kids when I would try and get something going with a single mom. In the end it was all for not and the only reason I'm not a virgin is because I took some bad advise which is the only time in my life I wish I had to do over again, but if I did I'd be a real life 40 year old virgin. Fair enough 
Only you will know when your threshold for disappointment has been exhausted, and there really are a lot of them in the dating world. To be honest, if I didn't take a 3 year break from it, I woul;d have give up too
It's healthy to bow out of the dating scene as you have done , and just take time to regroup 
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And to me too. Dang! I hate it when I have no choice but to blow my own trumpet...just saying.. Woopsey! Yet another oversight. You are flawless too divorced one. Please ignore this irrelevant thread
You sure you dont want me to ignore you to..???
I have never asked to be ignored in my life.
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This could qualify as a "first" y'know...
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Do you overlook one or two INTOLERABLE flaws or differences in a potential mate, if the person has dozens of positive attributes?
Other than avoiding the pedantic definition of "INTOLERABLE" making the question moot...it's not really possible. Once you've determined something is an "INTOLERABLE flaw" you've judged it. Even if you choose to ignore it there's a seed in your subconscious that will simply snowball, accrete all the minor flaws, quirks, mistakes, from that point forward, until it's effecting your normal behavior. At best a week, a month, a year later after continually growing frustrated, growing apart, indirectly acting out, you're just going to overreact to them leaving the toilet seat up, or sneezing when you're trying to sleep, or take something in the context you want in order to justify a decision, never realizing it was you trying to overlook something "INTOLERABLE." So, I try really hard not to "overlook" an "INTOLERABLE" flaw. That's just another term for "problem" in the relationship and problems should be addressed directly rather than avoided. The hotter they are, the more difficult it generally is, though. Do you hold on to that person for their numerous attributes but secretly expect them to change that flaw or difference in time?
I may "hold on to" someone for their positive "attributes" but I wouldn't "secretly expect them to change" or at least I always expect them to change to some degree, just not how I want them to. Change is inevitable in the long term. Can't control it though. Do you bypass all the person's attributes and reject a mate on the practicality that you can not tolerate their particular flaw or difference and you cant change them?
Of course. Constantly. Being a relatively straight man I can't tolerate the flaw that some men aren't women, I can't change them, so I don't date them no matter how good a nice guy they may be. would you stay with someone who loved and respected MOST of you , but who scorned ONE thing that was fundamentally important to you
Probably. Depends if they kept that entirely in their head, never communicated what was going on, and kept trying to get me to change it for their convenience and pleasure. Yep. Easy to assess. Not so easy to act wisely based on that assessment. |
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Having recently experienced this type of situation, I can honestly say that I can overlook certain dislikes, but I need to trust my gut instinct about those that I know will eventually kill the relationship. Jealousy is one of those dislikes. I was dating a great guy.....good provider, fun, helpful around the house, great cook....you name it, he had tons of great attributes! Some flaws that were just generally annoying, and easily overlooked, even by my kids, because he WAS such a great guy. BUT, he was obnoxiously jealous, and I didn't listen to my gut the first time it reared it's ugly head....BECAUSE of all of those other great attributes. After almost 7 years of accusations, distrust, being slowly alienated from family and friends, I finally found the strength to walk away, FOR GOOD! Not a mistake I hope to make again. Welcome to the forum PCchef!
EXACTLY Peggy!!! We even tried counseling, which helped some, but, unfortunately brought me to the realization that I did NOT want to do this anymore. I did the same as you, tried to reassure, changed behavior, even gave up bartending. I was told by mutual friends it takes "4 years or so" for the jealousy to lessen and the trust to increase. It is terribly sad because he was everything I wanted (except rich lol) and balanced my life in so many ways. I still regularly miss the comraderie, the fun, the intimacy (and not just sex you pervs....we were very touchy and loving with each other).....it was a hard decision to make and has been an even harder time finding my way back to my old self! And I TOTALLY RELATE to what you said! I had a boyfriend that was sooooooo amazing to me in so many ways. I had never been more cherished in a relationship before. But he was also insecure and jealous, and I thought the solution was to keep reassuring him with my love and being totally transparent about my every move. Instead of getting better, he got WORSE. This was the only guy I was interested in marrying since my divorce because he and I were so in sync and he was so phenomenal in so many areas . But that jealousy was a red flag I didn't pay attention to because I thought it would change if I kept on proving my loyalty or love. that relationship taught me something invaluable. By the time people are close to 40, they are pretty much fully formed and are almost incapable of change, UNLESS something really drastic in their life happens to inspire it, like the loss of a loved one or a job etc. If people change ONLY to please you, it is only for a season to appease you. They are likely to change right back to what they were for the previous thirty something years 
You are one strong woman mama! I respect your evolution. Good luck in this part of your journey
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This could qualify as a "first" y'know... I don't think that I will ever be so inundated with people's care that I will ask to be ignored, but I will let you know if such a time ever comes. 
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This could qualify as a "first" y'know... I don't think that I will ever be so inundated with people's care that I will ask to be ignored, but I will let you know if such a time ever comes.
Wat? You mean to tell me, that you are not inundated with people's care already? and here I thought you must be, and you run to Mingle to escape the outpouring....
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This could qualify as a "first" y'know... I don't think that I will ever be so inundated with people's care that I will ask to be ignored, but I will let you know if such a time ever comes.
Wat? You mean to tell me, that you are not inundated with people's care already? and here I thought you must be, and you run to Mingle to escape the outpouring....
Damn! You uncovered my secret. I'm just a desperate hag in search of some questionable attention from international con-artists
You're not going to blow my cover , are u???? |
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For there is no such beauty which hath not some strangeness in proportion.
-Francis Bacon |
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This could qualify as a "first" y'know... I don't think that I will ever be so inundated with people's care that I will ask to be ignored, but I will let you know if such a time ever comes.
Wat? You mean to tell me, that you are not inundated with people's care already? and here I thought you must be, and you run to Mingle to escape the outpouring....
Damn! You uncovered my secret. I'm just a desperate hag in search of some questionable attention from international con-artists
You're not going to blow my cover , are u???? ah! ha! see I knew it...you just managed to scare of the few women I happen to be talking to on here, by implying con-artist...thank goodness you said...international....thats makes it sound better.....who knows , you may have just re-booted my journey into the international e-dating world of mystery and intrigue...
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This could qualify as a "first" y'know... I don't think that I will ever be so inundated with people's care that I will ask to be ignored, but I will let you know if such a time ever comes.
Wat? You mean to tell me, that you are not inundated with people's care already? and here I thought you must be, and you run to Mingle to escape the outpouring....
Damn! You uncovered my secret. I'm just a desperate hag in search of some questionable attention from international con-artists
You're not going to blow my cover , are u???? ah! ha! see I knew it...you just managed to scare of the few women I happen to be talking to on here, by implying con-artist...thank goodness you said...international....thats makes it sound better.....who knows , you may have just re-booted my journey into the international e-dating world of mystery and intrigue...
I inspired a journey???? I am mightier than I thought
Good luck to you on this fascinating and freakish journey
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This could qualify as a "first" y'know... I don't think that I will ever be so inundated with people's care that I will ask to be ignored, but I will let you know if such a time ever comes.
Wat? You mean to tell me, that you are not inundated with people's care already? and here I thought you must be, and you run to Mingle to escape the outpouring....
Damn! You uncovered my secret. I'm just a desperate hag in search of some questionable attention from international con-artists
You're not going to blow my cover , are u???? ah! ha! see I knew it...you just managed to scare of the few women I happen to be talking to on here, by implying con-artist...thank goodness you said...international....thats makes it sound better.....who knows , you may have just re-booted my journey into the international e-dating world of mystery and intrigue...
I inspired a journey???? I am mightier than I thought
Good luck to you on this fascinating and freakish journey
You had me at freakish...
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