https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XF2ayWcJfxo

Hi all, trust that you are all good. Though i am very rarely seen posting amongst the pages of this part of the site I do sometimes read some of the topics and after a recent experience thought I would try see if this 'topic' has any mileage for positive discussion.

So here we are living out part of our lives online and whether or not we are looking to meet someone, our interactions and the personas we profess to be are 'real' ... aren't they? I had a recent experience that has made me question my values and my tolerance/acceptance of other people when they say/do stuff according to who they are.

Travelling on a train, my companion and I sat as sole occupants in seats opposite each other. No sooner had we gotten comfortable and started to chat than my companion put both their feet on the seat besides me. I was shocked to see this (in my books) form of anti-social behaviour enacted with not the slightest sign of 'personal restraint'; and by a person of mature years.

This event has given me reason to question how realistic it is - no matter how well and online interaction has gone - to really form a truly informed opinion of someone before you've met them and spent time together? Am I a snob? Is this a petty 'pet-hate' that reveals more about me than the other person? Has anyone ever found themselves in this sort of situation? How was it handled? Is my response that of a grumpy old man? I guess that we all have been in a similar situations in a relationship context, how do we handle them? And what do they say about US?

I am not looking to be (or to have others be) psychologically dissected or cross-examined but all in all it was an incident that made me go hhhmmmm.

I would place absolutely no blame on someone
getting comfortable.
Sheesh.

You are a Seinfeld episode in the wings.

So do you think my observation amounts to 'blaming' them for getting comfortable? This is the second time in quick succession that a poster on a forum has referenced a tv program or some aspect of mass media in response to something I have posted. Unfortunately I haven't a clue what this is supposed to mean .. i don't own a tv. I don't habitually watch tv either so i am really in the dark about the reference.

I would have asked you first but that is after I have shared my food and drink with you.
That's how we do things here.
I personally don't see a problem
It could be how you are brought up or maybe a cultural thing.
For me wearing a hat inside is a cultural thing, not showing respect.
also wearing shoes inside. is a no no, we take them off before entering the home as a sign of respect.

Hahahahahah I did some rooting around on the www and burst into loud guffaws of laughter! Nice one. I also have a whacky sense of humour. I am intrigued by the bit that regards Seinfeld as starring as a fictionalized version of himself.

Ah well.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Seinfeld

Placing their feet on the seat beside me wouldn't have bothered me a bit. I would have been glad they were comfortable. Placing their feet on my seat and limiting my personal space I would have had a problem with

Seinfeld was all about taking every minute, petty thing
about relationships and making it a stumbling block.

He dumped a girl for 'standing too close' to him.
Even perfect beings were rejected.
Too funny.
You would be a great character :-)

So reading between the lines your opinion is that some 'pet-hates' reveal more about us than the other person. Thanks.

Apologies to interrupt ... but to get real there is bad breaking news coming from Paris right now ... stay safe!

Putting her feet on the seat next to you is a bit intimate and shows she is comfortable with you and who she is. It is also not very "lady like", especially for an older woman. But hey, it is what it is. Does she also wipe her nose on her sleeve and eat like she was taught table manners by monkeys? Or is she just a friendly outgoing person who doesn't mind defying conventions once in a while?

Absolutely.
Peeves always seem to define a person's ability
to expand their limited fields of projection.

Yes. They are all quite real. They are the ONLINE COMPONENT of the total picture.



Forming a 'truly informed opinion of someone' when you have done next to nothing to develop your opinion is absurd. The purpose of moving on from the Online component to a face to face scenario, is to begin the next phase of building a genuine understanding of each other. For all you know, your companion wrote all of the text interactions you had with them, while resting their feet on the seat across form them. For all you know, I'm wearing Bermuda shorts and drinking a daiquiri as I type this.

Most people don't realize it, but they make more assumptions, than direct observations about the world. Especially as they get older. Unless they actively work to do otherwise, of course.

What you appear to have done, is to have made one set of assumptions based on your online interactions, and then when the in person interaction was incompatible with those first assumptions, you made a lot of new assumptions, going from generally positive, to generally negative.

This all doesn't mean that you are or are not "a grumpy old man." So far, it only means that you have a certain idea about feet on seats, and you think that your companion is defective because they don't have the same idea.

Personally, I generally recommend against relying on unsupported assumptions.

In my opinion, your companion was rude to have put her feet up on the seat.
Did she wipe the seat clean from her dirty shoes before leaving? Shows a lack of respect for other peoples property to me. disappointing for sure, as we want to have some respect for a friend..Also shows to me, a lack of manners..
One has to spend time with each other to pick up the nuances of the obscure reasoning of what people do..

Just to be clear; do you consider this form of "anti-social behavior" to be some sort of "Deal-Breaker"? In my own experience, if I'm riding on some sort of public transport with a fellow that I'm very fond of, my unconscious choice would be to automatically plop-down into the seat right next to him.This way, providing that the vehicle remained uncrowded; we could each, "get comfy", stretch out our legs with both pairs of "feets" resting on the opposite seats. That's a femininely assertive move but generally I won't go out on a real time date with someone that I've not had an opportunity to form some sort of understanding & bond with.
But this is a brand new relationship & people[older] aren't quite sure where they stand[or, sit] & how they fit with each other yet. I don't feel that her behavior was at all-"anti-social"; she just seems uncertain[cautious] about where she stands[or-sits ] with you. If you're "The Man" -it was up to you to just get out of your seat & plop down-next to her;} That would have provided a cue that not only were you enjoying her company but also that you would be welcome to more "closeness" in going forward.

Thanks to you all for your thought provoking feedback, including the wit and attempts at psychoanalysis; it's all good.

Besides the "realness" of the situation it was my hope that the title of the topic would also indicate that I had thought about the scene from as many 'open' perspectives as I could muster. I wanted to use the situation to reflect on the sort of give and take that is required in a relationship.

Having expressed my opinion that the placement of feet on the seat of a public service vehicle amounted to a form of an anti-social act (imho) is not the same as saying that I conclude that the person is unworthy of forming a close relationship with.

The hhhhmmmm was about reflection and standing back from rushing to judgement.

I think it would have been polite to ask first

I would suspect such a person just wasn't brought up as I was and brush it off.


I may have even returned the favor and likewise got 'comfortable'

(I hope they at least kept their shoes on...ewww)

"I was shocked to see this (in my books) form of anti-social behaviour enacted with not the slightest sign of 'personal restraint'; and by a person of mature years."

1)If the train wasn't crowded how was this anti-social? Was this person deliberately trying to stop someone else from sitting there?

2)It's been my experience that many people actually do rude things because they are oblivious to what is going on around them. Because they are so self absorbed in what they are doing they don't know and/or don't care that they are being rude to others.

3)What exactly is a "person of mature years" and when does it occur???? Personal restraint and politeness aren't age related. Both young and old people are capable of being polite, rude, aware or oblivious to their surroundings and other people. At 61 I have had enough social interaction with people my age and older to know there are people in their teens who are more mature. I'm pretty judgmental (many people are but claim they aren't) but I don't judge anyone based on age, gender or race.