Hi, everyone, I have a friend that is gay and as they say I love the sinner, but hate the sin. Anyway, the propblem is I need help in couseling him about his father, in a Christian way. When he was a small child he was molested and when he told, his family told him to not talk about it, and basically swept it unde the rug, so to speak. Since then the problems with his father arise. His dad, will not accept him and or show any love towards him. My friend now searches out men who are much older for a dad figure, but is unhappy. Is there anything I can tell him to ease his heartache and help him to move on?

have him confront the bastard of a father, if its necessary, take his ass to court and sue the pants off of him

The father did not molest him, but a family relative did. But the father now vies him as a freak and will not show him any compassion or fatherly love.

Pray for them both

unhealthy relationships need to be cut out of ones life. even if it is a parent. he needs to see a counselor that specializes in these kinds of issues of sexually abused adults. it does not matter if the person is specifically christian they need to specialize in counseling this type of victim. besides it might be hard for him to recieve counseling from you if he feels that even tho u care for him as a person because of your christianity that he knows deep down you hold his homosexuality against him. as a bisexual i know i would be reluctant to recieve help from someone that thought that my orientation was part of my problem.

then sue the ass off the one who did molest him!

heatherrae, I do not hold his orientation against him, I would be the last to judge him. I just know that it is not my lifestyle. He knows I love him as a person and I am like a Mother to him, he welcomes the Christian counseling and believes in Our Father. My own son had issues with his dad, not like these but he came to overcome them with faith, and I was hoping there were some Bible passages or some words of comfort that I could give him to help him to start to heal

Tootiebug,

Do you think it's possible that his father thinks of himself as a failure for not protecting his son? I think that the fathers motives might be deeper than what your friend realizes. Did your friend blame his father (or parents) for what happened to him?

I would start by pointing your friend to the story of Jacob. Show him that God had to cripple Jacob to save Jacob. When we are strong, we don't feel like we need God. God doesn't want to be your friend or even just your father, God wants to be your fountain of strength. God doesn't want us to depend on ourselves, God wants us to depend on Him. Everytime you see a person in the Bible depend on themselves rather than God, the outcome put them in a worse position than they were before. If I were in your friends position, I would admit to God that I was helpless to fix my relationship with my father, that I was helpless to stop being homosexual and that I was in desperate need of a savior. Once we break down and stop depending on ourselves and instead depend on God, we find an endless source of strength. Remember what God said, "My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness".

God bless

I am not sure if his father thinks of himself as a failure for not protecting his son, according to my friend, he always had that macho attitude, "suck it up be a man". But your advice is wonderfully refreshing and I will pass it on. Thank you. I have told him that we are not responsible for what our fathers do, they have to answer for their own sins and that we do not need to carry them too, which helped him a great deal.

Cory;

There's a statute of limitations on this sort of thing, so I would doubt he could take this to court unless he could prove it were done to others.

Tootle - It sounds as though his father is in denial, and unwilling to accept the consequesnces of the relatives actions and how that might have affected his son. I think it might be best to have your friend confront the father on what happened to him as a child - rather than the fact that his being Gay has driven the father further away. Also too - I'm sure there are support groups for others who have been affected by this same thing, who have had success in healing the wounds caused by those outside of the initial action of the relative in question.

Tootie-

There are also support groups for gay children (of all ages) and families, e.g. PFLAG- Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays is an excellent resource.

http://www.pflag.org/

I strongly urge you to check them out and try to contact one of their chapters in your area. They have many resources and can help you more than anything I can tell you. I hesitate to even advise you because unfortunately it is not a small matter by any means- many molested children are troubled and MANY gay kids are suicidal at times, especially if their parents are not supportive. I hate to be dramatic but it really can be a life or death matter to get help for this boy.

I will pray for them and for you.

I know a guy that was molested too and his step father kept throwing it in his face calling him a fag, the kid is older now and hates the step dad. The kid is having all sorts of problems and I know it has affected him deeply. I don't know which is worse, being molested, or having your loved ones betray you by not being supportive. I feel for your friend. He will have to find a way to make peace with it.

Thanks everyone. He has confronted his dad, and his dad won't even acknowledge he is in the same room with him. It is sad, because the sins of the father are now thrown on the son, so to speak. He is so desperate for his father's love and acceptance. I will pass along all your prayers and suggestions. Again thank you and God Bless.

Heatherrae and Anoasis - thanks for giving the pointers I was not here to voice.

heatherrae wrote:
“as a bisexual i know i would be reluctant to recieve help from someone that thought that my orientation was part of my problem.”

A professional psychologist might be thinking just the opposite.

That is to say that the orientation had nothing to do with the “problem”, but he “problem” might have something to with the orientation.

In this case (based solely on the sparse information given in the OP) the problem appears to have been one of molestation at a very young age.

Well, if the child was male and was molested by a male, and has since grown to have some need to a male fatherly figure as an intimate partner, then it’s perfectly natural to assume that having been molested by a male at a young age could be at the root of this desire.

After all, what’s the probability that a naturally gay male would be molested at a very young age by another male? Just because he happened to be sexually molested by a male doesn’t imply that he was necessarily gay to begin with.

I think the very first thing that any psychologist is going to want to discover is the degree of the molestation. Was this a one-time rape type thing? Or was this an on-going pattern of behavior over an extended period of time?

Was it violent or forced? Or was it more like a gentle persuasion where the victim was coerced into participating thus leaving the victim with feelings of guilt, and which may have even included feelings of guilt from actually enjoying in the participation.

These kinds of things can run very deep. Assuming that the gay orientation was natural at the onset would not be a good place to start. Chances are actually quite high that it was not a factor at all, and could very well have been caused by the molestation itself.

We know very well that many people have experimented with same-gender sex and have come away from it deciding that it is not for them. On the other hand, there are also examples of people who have experimented with same-gender sex and have decided that they enjoy it and even prefer it in some cases.

My point here is simply that experience can indeed have an affect on a person’s sexual orientation. It’s not necessarily an innate trait in all individuals. Therefore it would be wise to help this particular man to try and decide whether his desire now to be gay is a natural innate desire, or whether it was indeed caused by his unfortunate molestation(s) at a young age.

I don’t believe that this needs to be done with any judgmental backdrop concerning orientations. It shouldn’t be the psychologist’s goal or motive to denounce any gay tendencies or desires, but rather to simply address any trauma that may have been associated with childhood molestation.

However, it does appear that TootieBug has already decided that same-gender sex is a sin. For this reason she shouldn’t be counseling anyone on such matters because she has a preconceived conclusion about what the outcome should be. That’s not counseling, that’s dictating.

In any case, the gay issue, the molestation issue, the need for a fatherly figure, and the ability to deal with rejection from one’s own parent are all extremely sensitive issues. Moreover, we have no clue what the real story might be. Was it really ‘molestation’ or was it consensual (albeit illegal) participation of minor with a promiscuous adult? In other words, were their gay tendencies there that drew the ‘victim’ into the situation? Or was the molestation forced onto the child? These are the kind of issues that a professional psychologist would try to bring to light. Not for the purpose of passing judgment on them, but rather for the purpose of helping the troubled person come to grips with their own situation.

In short, this isn’t the kind of thing that you can get help from on a public forum. The issues are far too complex and deep. The only help that can possibly be offered is to suggest to your friend that he seek out professional help, and hopefully he’ll get someone who is truly unbiased and genuinely knows how to help people work out their own issues. Sending him off to a psychologist who thinks that being gay is a sin would be the wrong approach to be sure, because passing judgments is not the goal. The goal is to help the fellow discover what’s really going on in his own life and trying to help him deal with these issues in the most appropriate way for him.

Check govt. service or even private sector for a psychiatrist(sp?) Many people do pro bono work. I know the court system has a program to outreach to victims of childhood abuse in VA, and might be available to you as well.

PFLAG should be able to refer him to a clinician in his area who will not be biased....

www.pflag.org

From the webpage: "PFLAG has more than 500 chapters that are located in all 50 states. Get the personalized support that you need from people who understand what you're experiencing. By clicking on a state name below, you can find a list with contact information for the chapters in that state.

Remember: You are not alone."

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Hey Redy! Hope school is going well...

well, if u do believe in god and his laws then u would of course be aware that god does not want us to judge....that is his job. second of all what she does behind close doors is none of ur business....showing some love to someone u don't necessarily agree with will just help to make u a better and more accepting human being. nothing wrong with that....rite?

I am not judging him or saying that because he was molested he turned gay. I am just here to see if there is anyrhing I can say that may help him to forgive his dad for not being a loving father and to move on with his life. He is a dear loving boy and as a mom figure to him, I hurt to see him feel this way.

god says DO NOT JUDGE OTHERS that is sorta his job