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| Topic: jokes | |
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Edited by
CremeBrulee
on
Mon 01/19/15 09:39 AM
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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked!  
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Put down the Lolly Pop and spell correctly. Takes the punch right out of a joke when you can't type what you mean. Not many people have wars in their panties..........or wear wars. WEAR Joined Tue 01/13/15 Posts: 5 Thu 01/15/15 07:19 PM No but you seem to know them when you see then !! They are JOKES ever heard of them ?? When you see THEN???? THEMMMMMMMMMM  Do you spell remedial training with one n or two?.....
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Three couples go for a round of golf. The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any Skivvies?', Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. go and buy yourself some underwear.' Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Sweet Mudder of Jaysus, woman! You've no knickers on. Why not?' She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.' Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20, go and buy yourself some underwear!' Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over, the wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it. 'Fur Christ’s sake, Moraig! where the friggin hell are yer drawers ?' She too explains, 'You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any.' The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says...... 'Well, Fur the love 'o decency, here's a comb.......... tidy yersel up a bit !!!!''  tiger woods must have been playing like this hence him having a passion for plugging sockets 
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If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?  cute!
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" |
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 loved it ! |
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" he he he that's too funny
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I've spent the last 4 years looking for my ex wife's killer, but no one will do it.
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Sir: Your expression is very "VAYGOO"
Boy: It's not "vaygoo" Sir. It's "vague"! Sir: Never Mind! It's just a slip of my "Tangoo" Boy: Oh No, Sir! It's not "tangoo". It's "Tongue"! Sir: Come On, Boy! Don't "AARGH" with me. Boy: (To Himself/Wondering): Did "he" remotely mean "ARGUE"?drinker |
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Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.
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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the **** is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!" 
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Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked! That's happen all life |
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Guy sitting on a plain taking sips from his cocktail and the notices a ice cube with a hole in it and takes it out and looks at and says "hmmm that's a odd this ice cube has a hole in it " the male passenger sitting next to turns and looks at him and says "what's so odd about that I am married to one "
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Steven Hawking, came back from his first date in 10 years. His glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees. Apparently, she stood him up!
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Wow !!!! Get this one quick guys It's single ! You just stay in the forums sweetheart, and ignore the ignorant people. All the best
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Edited by
messi_is_a_tim_1888
on
Sat 01/31/15 02:08 PM
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Are you a member of the Taliban?
(Taken from the Guantanamo Bay interrogation guide) You may be Taliban if:- 1.You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $4000 machine gun and a $6000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3.You have more wives than teeth. 4.You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider pork unclean. 5.You think vests come in two styles - bulletproof and suicide. 6.You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared jihad against. 7.You consider TV dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8.You are amazed to learn that mobile phones have other uses than to just set off roadside bombs. 9.You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." 10.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbours Goat.
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Are you a member of the Taliban? (Taken from the Guantanamo Bay interrogation guide) You may be Taliban if:- 1.You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $4000 machine gun and a $6000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3.You have more wives than teeth. 4.You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider pork unclean. 5.You think vests come in two styles - bulletproof and suicide. 6.You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared jihad against. 7.You consider TV dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8.You are amazed to learn that mobile phones have other uses than to just set off roadside bombs. 9.You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." 10.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbours Goat. |
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Are you a member of the Taliban? (Taken from the Guantanamo Bay interrogation guide) You may be Taliban if:- 1.You refine heroin for a living, but have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $4000 machine gun and a $6000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3.You have more wives than teeth. 4.You wipe your arse with your bare left hand, but consider pork unclean. 5.You think vests come in two styles - bulletproof and suicide. 6.You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared jihad against. 7.You consider TV dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8.You are amazed to learn that mobile phones have other uses than to just set off roadside bombs. 9.You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave." 10.You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 11.You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not. 12.You've ever had a crush on your neighbours Goat.  |
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TOP TIP:- An empty cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator!
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