If you settle can you really be happy?

How does settling mean you're getting less than what you think you should have? Why would anyone do that?

How does settling mean you're with someone who doesn't make you happy and you're miserable but you're gonna stay anyway? Why would anyone do that?

Maybe it's more about how you can't find what you're looking for so mouthing a platitude that doesn't mean much makes you feel better about it?

I don't mean to be contentious and mean, but if you decide upon someone, you've determined he or she is one you want, so you settle upon and settle down.

You're not settling for someone because you can't get who you really want. Or is that what you mean when you say settle?

It's amazing how even the perception of "physical" beauty changes when someone starts acting like a pig.

When I settle it's in the arms of a man....

Settle has many different meanings. Settling for someone is different than settling down with someone. To settle for someone, would be going for someone who below what you're looking for. Less than satisfactory.

pffft!!! Not settling!!!

I don't think settling is a bad word, in and of itself, BUT it really depends on what you are talking about...

When I get dressed for the day and say "I want to wear my purple dress because it makes my butt look awesome!!"...(choice )... "DARN!!! The purple dress is in the laundry, I guess I will have to pick the blue or the green." (settling )

Looking for a new car and I say "I want a Maybach!!!" (choice ) and I remember that they go for $300,000 and can't afford that, but I can afford the Dodge. (settling )

As for the dinner selections? Which ever one I pick is fine by me....as long as they don't tell me all the have left is liver and onions, then I'm settling for the dinner roll.


When it comes to making a decision about a partner/companion/lover, I hope my choices aren't a good looking serial killer or a not so good looking cheater and thief because then I will choose to settle down with.......



Dr Who and a bucket of popcorn!!

no I am reasonably happy as a single, quite happy actually and it would take something pretty exceptional for me to change that. so for me singledom is a preference that I am not necessarily looking to change

But are you unhappy and chafing because you had to wear the blue dress instead? Is the blue dress so horrible and makes you feel so ugly but because you have to wear something you have to keep it?

Are you unhappy and chafing because you couldn't afford the Maybach and the Dodge just makes you terribly unhappy but you have to have a car so dangit, you'll just have to make due and keep wishing you could afford what you deserve?

Can't you still be happy when driving the Dodge while wearing the blue dress?

I'm not saying that one should settle for (and in that case I am using the modifier of "for" rather than "upon" or "down" that does indeed change its meaning) what makes them unhappy. But I do question all that people believe they deserve. Generally, people do not take less than what they want. In clothing, cars, or people. It's counterproductive to take what you don't really like, and I'm not sure many do that.

You say you "deserve" a certain kind of love, and nothing will make you settle for less. OK. Why is that even a question? Who is making anyone do that? Which is why I say that people say that because they can't have what they want so they save face by saying they won't settle.

Is there really a whole lot of either/or things others are making people do? You either have to have this mean person or no one at all! There are only two choices for you! You must be alone forever or 'settle for' this person who is nothing that you want (let alone "deserve".)

I'm just saying sometimes when you settle upon something that maybe wasn't exactly what you wanted it turns out to be the right thing and exactly what you didn't realize you wanted.

I think it goes back to those checklists that some people have about who they'll date. You know, I deserve this and this and that and this so he or she has to be this and that, etc. I threw mine out the window and discovered that there are a lot of people out there who would be great companions and would maybe even broaden my horizons and open up new worlds. I stopped thinking I deserved something specific and decided to look at what was offered and deciding if I liked it.

Of course I can, because I wouldn't have purchased the dress or the car if I didn't like them, and yes, I am happy with those choices. (But my butt does look better in the purple )



I, personally, didn't say that but I do agree that no one is making them do anything like that, the choice is their own. There are too many people who DO make that choice of staying with a verbally abusive girlfriend/wife or a physically abusive boyfriend/husband (or vice versa) instead of being on their own and being more selective. The only kind of love I think everyone deserves is one where the partner will put you ahead of everyone else in their lives *exceptions of course being your children.



Personally, I don't believe in checklists about love either because I have always been surprised by the individuals....

I also agree that many people have blinders on and they need them taken off, for their own well being and future happiness.



And I can never go wrong with The Doctor!!

Will never date an alcoholic again.

I meant "you" in a global sense, rather than a specific sense.


Thanks for getting what I was talking about.


Do you think, though, that people stay with an abusive person because it's at least someone in their life? I guess I think it's more complicated than that, though I imagine for some it may be only that.

***

I have a lot of trouble with the word "deserves". It seems a bit entitled, and I'm not sure where the idea of deserving comes from. How do you figure out who deserves what and what do you have to do to deserve something over something else? Are there levels of deserve that someone can strive for?



Edited to add: I've never watched an episode of Dr. Who. I probably should, huh?

My sister is an example of staying in an abusive relationship instead of being alone....


And yes!!!!! Even if you only start with the newer Doctors, soooo much fun!! Not to mention, cute!!

I'm not sure that people are saying settling for someone means that person makes them unhappy. I don't know where you got that.

I can't speak for others, but I would not want to be the woman that someone settled for. It would make me feel like he chose me because he couldn't get someone he really wanted to be with instead.

I don't think settling will make someone happy. I'd rather stay single then settle for a guy that really isn't the right man for me.

And wouldn't that make both him and you unhappy?

I believe that that is exactly what people mean when they say settle in this manner--they mean they can't get who they really wanted. So yes, they're unhappy and they make you unhappy.

All this talk about how you (global, not specific) would rather be alone than with someone not right for you is hooey. It's hooey because it's just dramatic, over-the-top, meaningless prattle because how many would actually choose to be with someone they don't really want? It's a great sound bite, I guess, but everybody pretty much understands that they want the right person, not just any person.

Though, I do remember having a "pact" with someone back in my 20's and we said that if we weren't married by 40 or something we'd marry each other. Thankfully, we never had to honor that pact.

What's his number??

Why should or would you settle for someone who's not what you really want?
I ain't going to do that either! Sod that!
I think when you've been in a (few) LTR, you become more aware of what it is you do and don't want (anymore). Of course you got to make sure you haven't gotten rigid because of past experiences. You got to be realistic and honest.
I know much better now what it is I really want in life, and what kind of man would complement me in that, than when I was, let's say, 24.

it depends on what u are settling on

If u r just settling until the right person comes along isn't that unfair for the one u r with at the time? Just because u r settling doesn't mean they r. There may b emotions on their side. Why not save a heartbreak and b single and wait on the right one?