I think experience causes us to constantly rearrange priorities,, and makes more of what once seemed like big things become little things...


and to others that will definitely come across as 'passive',,,I have been told more than my share of times how 'laid back' I am,,sometimes they mean it as a compliment and sometimes not,,,,

but that is also a small thing that makes me say 'oh well' and shrug my shoulders,,,,clearly passive behavior,,lol

there is also emotional fatigue which is best countered with 'passiveness' or a level emotional base,,,many empaths like myself would go insane if we didnt have that ,,,,

You might be right. Some people may feel any type of emotions are a burden if it's easier for them to feel absolutely nothing. My brain isn't wired to be unfeeling so I can't really identify with numbing it into nothingness.



I agree.



I respectfully disagree. The only reason to feel empty is if one is alone and unhappy. IMO. I personally know lots of people who don't have partners and are quite content living their lives being single because they have lots of other things in their lives to occupy their time.



I experience love every day of my life. I have Cilli and Hammer, my two dogs and I share unconditional love with them. I have my family members and my close friends. Love is in no way lacking just because a man doesn't love me and vice versa.



I think realistically once we reach a certain age and circumstance we don't focus on finding "the one" anymore, not as much as we did when we were young.

I stopped believing in fairy tales coming true when I became an adult and tasted what the world has to offer first hand.

Of course sometimes I might meet someone that stirs possibilities in my mind for a short time, but when it all boils down to the serious aspects of what it takes to make relationships really work, the fantasy quickly evaporates, reality sinks in, and its time to go it alone again.

And again, I am speaking strictly for myself, nobody else.

After reading this thread, it seems like some of you are looking at The Bottom

In order to find new meaning, perhaps a little self-Reflection might help.

It is easier to feel nothing. It's a long dark road but yes, shutting myself off to the point of being numb keeps me safer, and most importantly from getting hurt.



Like friends? Family? Vacations/trips/discoveries? A social life? Well not everyone can attain all of these, maybe friends and discoveries are the only regiments that you can seek and possibly keep. Vacations/trips are for people who can afford them. A social life is for an extrovert, especially where I live. Not everyone fits the mold what constitutes as a proper social life. Not everyone is blessed with a reliable family.



While this is all lovely and fulfilling for you I knew you were going to say this, which doesn't make you wrong, love can be found in various forms, including a relationship with a man. Nothing wrong with having this also.



Not what I said. I never said preoccupying yourself with finding "the one" was the main priority. There is nothing wrong to being open to it, at any age. While young people move pretty quickly not all of them view the world this way. Fairy tales are irrelevant to what I was saying.

It sounds really close-minded when people speak in terms of that sudden spark, the flash then all the drama that comes with making it work surfaces, then after all of that, it diminishes. It takes dedication, attraction, vulnerability, an open heart, trust, patience and communication. The human brain is complex, not everyone is honest but all of us want love in the form of a person too.

One of my friends comes across as lacking in emotions. It's his ego. If anyone tries to flatter him, he'll say something horrible about their compliment, and then the one complimenting him ends up feeling hurt. He's just a big wind up. But it has had him losing friends at times. I think he needs to tone it down. Because if he meets anyone new, they'll think he's rude. And then I have to explain his sarcasm, again.

H.

Someone I love very dearly feels this same way so I understand what you're saying. Its just that when I try to shut myself off it hurts too much and I can't help but reach out towards the light. Even risking getting hurt and falling on my face is worth it to feel alive.



I know. So we find what fits into our budgets, our likes, and our stamina and go from there. Even if its just going to the river and watching the boats and barges go by, waving at the captains, or throwing a line in to snag a few catfish. Or just sitting under the trees and talking, or napping. Nothing fancy but fun none the less.



You're absolutely right, a relationship with a man is awesome when he loves me as I love him. But if he expects more from me than he's willing to give I've been there and done that for the last time. And if there aren't any men that are willing to give half way then I'm not going to waste my life looking or hoping for something that isn't likely to happen. Especially when there's too many other aspects of life to find joy over.



I don't think any of us would be mingling if we weren't open to meeting someone. This goes with the territory.



I agree. And everyone is looking for certain things they want in the relationship before they take things to the next level of intimacy. If the main ingredients aren't there, which might take a little time to find out because not everyone is honest and upfront, then its only a matter of time before the infatuation flame cools and we know we need to move on to someone who better suits the dynamics we're looking for in a partner.

I do not know of any safe way that a Human can remain emotionally "numb" for a long period of time.

I'm gonna make this easy and quote all of this to sum up what I was trying to say before but in a shorter form. It's not a huge burden for me to remain open to anything that comes my way. Of course keeping with me are standards and boundaries that I choose to respect myself with and I will hold onto those as I have lived and learned with what I have been through but enjoy my time, be it short or a nice long one with new discoveries, spiritual understanding, memories, moments to capture with me forever.

I think this is first time in a long time I actually spoke with someone who listened to what I said, this is so rare here. Thank you for doing it, you are quite smart and I completely understand your reasons for the way you want to live. It's admirable and I have so much respect for whatever you choose to in your life. Be it on your own terms.

this topic is certainly more peaceful than the one night stand topic.
for this topic i think a lot of people have the attitude of once bitten twice shy

Ms. Mariah, its I who thanks you for giving me the opportunity to converse with and discover a little more about you.



The most important lesson I've ever learned throughout my life is... in order for me to be truly happy and in turn able to bring happiness to my partner... I have to first know my own limits that I nor he can cross or regret could easily turn into resentment and a complete breakdown of the connection shortly follows.

Once I lose the inspiration or energy to keep my side of the partnership actively positive I shut my feelings down and move on.

This might make me appear to be cold or unemotional... but since my first experience as a young girl who believed a boy loved me but was actually just using and betraying me instead... and I relived this painful experience again as an adult... I've learned to take my time and really get to know someone and their propensity for love and or betrayal before I jump in with both feet.

We all have our own standards and boundaries, and we know if the right person comes along just how much we're willing to compromise (or not) to have them in our lives.

Sometimes the sparks of a new romance become flames of ardent heat that engulfs us without any trepidation as to its folly and consequence.

While other times the heat is so strong that getting too close is so overpowering and uncomfortable it forces us to instinctively back away to keep from getting burned.

Either way, those of us who are accustomed to playing with fire and have the scars and stories to share about how we survived it... often know better than to pick up matches unless we're ready to strike one for a light.

Thanks, I wasn't trying to get intense but I find sometimes I do it with things I care about because sometimes my views are vastly different from others. I don't get to have a lot of in-depth conversations with people about this stuff often. I learn more from the other side at the end of it and respect it for your experiences. I understand the fulfillment in other aspects make up happiness too, and finding love in things besides a boyfriend or husband. I know I have a lot of growing up to do but it's still nice to talk about it in a calm way without it coming off as more of a "fact" than just personal preference. It's great! I love learning from people, every person has their own values they hold close to their hearts and it's a cool thing when they are open enough to share them.



Knowing yourself is essential to letting someone inside your life, dreams, goals and even secrets. When it's there we learn to trust that person and hope they don't disappoint us.

Yeah I understand why people do that because I have done the same, not gonna lie. Moving on is the best way to keep living, my Grandma used to say.

Yes, actually no it's not. I'm sorry for what happened. I know what it feels like to be betrayed and lied to. It feels just as rotten as a friend doing it, the feelings the same. Getting to know someone, who they are, what makes them tick, how they feel, how they treat other people, yes, but it can be trying when you run into the same few people that refuse to let us know them. It's a no for me.

I think we should. If our fathers never instilled this into us as children from the beginning then we learn to set them alone. Which is a new challenge for some and very vital to protecting your self-worth.

They do, my last relationship mirrored this experience very much so. Love blinds you so badly. Your brain and ultimately reason to question shuts down. I don't know what I would do without my ability to question, learn and discover life and people.

This reminds me of a poem I wrote in college, I was 19 and I was feeling just like this and yet I didn't understand it. I took things so intensely then. Getting burned even when you learn to trust a person, friend or lover, is still unfortunately a possibility. And it sucks to high hell.

I don't know if scars teach us anything other than to know ourselves, keep reminding us that we always come first and deserve better than we are getting. People should demand more respect than compromise for fear of being alone or for even hurting that person. In the end, I am the one who leaves the situation with my own brain and heart back, because like you say, the next time the match gets lit, the candle eventually goes out the more we play with the fire. Unless we take what's ours and be self-aware the next time it happens.

Well, it is a bit too early in the USA for fireworks, anyway.

Could be someone who can't take compliments well. Sarcasm could be also, a lot of people use offensive humor to cover up their real reactions.

True statement for me at least. I can sometimes handle it for a little while but invariably I will have to return to getting real. Real being the state that I feel that I am being manipulated by someone who is definitely not numb. For instance, the narcissist type or the emotional vampire type I really have to be on guard for. Usually for me when this occurs it catches me blind sided because for the most part most those I have dealt with are emotionally playing fair. When I don't vent healthily I find myself being more sarcastic. For instance, I was trying to be a good care giver but this one person was like the bottomless pit of being needy when there were many more in my care who needed attention, too. The last straw was when I had the frozen Popsicle in my hand that I was getting for her and said loud enough under my breadth where my boss heard me say, "I know where I would like to stick this."

Shutting down,self numbing {addictions such as alcohol, drugs ,food)and the way people deal with feelings of shame,anxiety, and loss are often learned in childhood. Avoidance Anxiety disorders are hard to battle but can be overcome. We all cope at our own pace. The most helpful thing I ever came across was going way back and recognizing how I gathered my beliefs and which were simply child hood distortion.

I agree with Sparky about the recycling stories. I have seen alcoholics in the family do that a million times. Trying to convince themselves I guess. Good thread.

Got that right!

I think the answer to this is one of the most subjective ones to be asked. How we feel after the ending of a relationship depends very much on the how's, why's and when's said relationship terminated.

For me, I called the end to my marriage, but I only did so after I had fought very hard to save it inspite of ...well...details that don't need to be shared. But I promised myself that I wouldn't quit until I felt a nothingness - not the same as numbness. And because I waited till all my emotions had exhausted themselves, I was able to leave without the sense of bewildered loss of what is nearly a limb (my other half). Without doing that, without using that painful time to exorcise my hurt and anger, I would carry baggage forward and quite likely question my decisions in the future.

I have done the autopsy on it and I know what my part is, so I don't carry fear of getting into that situation again, nor do I feel a question of worthiness of love, thank god. I AM however certain that I don't wish to invite someone into my life in the same capacity as I once did. A new man can have a place in my heart and a place in my bed occasionally, but there is no permanence in my life to be had. All things are conditional.