If you've been in a long term abusive relationship, how do you know who and how to trust? Especially when you're trying online dating for the first time!

Oh mon, tricky at best.
Mishaps are there to wise you up.
Take that knowledge, and apply it.

Allow just so much 'benefit of the doubt.'
If something creeps you out, pay utmost attention.
You are in charge now.

The new, wiser you.
Let her be careful.
But let her be..her.

you really don't

go slow

ask questions

run (quickly) from red flags or any time you get that "feeling in your tummy" that sumthin' just ain't right...good luck sugar

Find someone thats interested in you.someone that makes you laugh.

Your instincts will tell you.

A woman knows the signs, even the well cultured ones.

I agree, at the first sign of jealousy or anything unpleasant just get out of there.
The usual, where have you beeen
who is that you were talking to on the phone.

Why didn't you answer when "I" called?

Exactly... R>>>>>>>>>U>>>>>>>>N and don't look back...

There's nothing at stake so trust is irrelevent.

eg. If you want to sleep with someone then do. If you don't then don't. If you do and they turn out to be a horrible person to you, it doesn't make any difference to the fact you wanted to sleep with them so you did. How is trust an issue there?

Trust becomes an issue when interpersonal relationships are a contractual obligation to you. And you know what the problem there is? They aren't.

You want to know who to trust? Trust yourself. Trust yourself to do what you want to do and don't do anything you don't want to do.
Let me say that again. Don't do anything you don't want to do.

That way, no matter what happens, no matter how bad or good it turns out to be, no matter what, you can always look back and say, "At least I did what I wanted to do every step of the way."


Now honestly, your problem seems to be that you don't always do what you want to do, and often do what you don't want to do.

That is a problem, I agree. You should sort that out with a counseler before your next relationship or it's probably going to go very bad even with the right person.

It takes a very long time to trust again, give yourself time to learn to love yourself first and to move on

Trust what again? What were you trusting in the first place? That somebody owed you something when you opened your legs for them?

That's just not how it is.

Wow! I did not just read that crap

The woman just said she was in an abusive relationship. This is not an appropriate answer.

I agree in part...People (not just women) who have suffered abuse may miss the signs because their ability to decipher their natural instinct has been damaged or, in some cases, permanently destroyed....

@ Diana...Go slow, pay close attention, when you feel doubt or suspicion creeping in, step back and look to yourself before placing blame on your new interest...If you still have doubts, discuss it with him......Good luck!

Good advice. Abuse creates long term pain and requires healing. It usually starts slowly and builds in proportion to the tolerance for abuse. Few people would stay in an abusive relationship if it started the way it ended.

There are numerous sources of help and support. Try some. There are some really good people here at Mingle2, but as you have just seen, there are some clueless ones also. You need to learn how to recognize abuse to avoid it. Some is very subtle.

.. okay I want you to climb up on that platform over there... walk over to the edge... now turn around with your back facing me.. fold your arms across your chest... now when I say three you fall backwards and I'll catch you... okay you ready... One....two... thr...... hang on a second... OUCHHH..THAT HAD TO HURT.. didn't you hear me say hang on a second... .. I'm sorry get back up on the platform and this time I'll catch you... I promise you can trust me...

First step whether it's an online relationship or meeting in your own environment, the first step is believe in yourself and know that you are a worthwhile person. Know what you want and what you expect.
A man who wants something real with you will understand where you're coming from and will let you take baby steps while you're sorting it out.
If you feel warning signs or that he is belittling you then you leave. Be true to yourself

Yeah, I've dated women with trust issues like this and done or said things that might have made them think that I'm potentially controlling or abusive, even when I've been doing my best to be patient and understanding. Had one getting a text from an ex and it didn't make me a control freak to ask her if he was after her and take note of what she said about him and neither did it make me controlling to say that I didn't want to be all possessive but that I was a bit concerned that she might be going with other guys when I didn't know what was going on and she wasn't calling me for weeks on end.

If a new girlfriend starts acting wierd like she's keeping secrets from you and isn't communicating with you that's going to make any guy a bit insecure about the relationship. You want to trust her and that comes in time but you have to take it slowly or you are the one risking having to deal with the heartbreak of betrayal.

What tends to happen with women that have these sorts of trust issues is that they keep pushing you away when you try to get close to them. That can be stressful for a guy. You ask them perfectly innocent questions and they read things into them that just aren't there. They avoid confruntations by not talking to you properly. I had one that wouldn't talk to me about her feelings apart from in text messages. She was the one pulling the control strings with me by doing that. I got fed up with it in the end and told her that we needed to sit down and have a proper chat and that was the end of that relationship.

Call the NSA. Those dudes can tell you anything about anyone. Heck...they will go back to when you were in kindergarten and you made sweet little Alison eat a booger. And I am in no way saying that it was me who made Alison do that.

if u r unable, unwilling, or not ready to trust another i suggest u don't attempt to date. no sense making a person do the time for another's crime, so to speak.

otherwise, i would use whatever allowed me to believe my abuser's apologies and promises that they wouldn't abuse me again and apply that to someone who has never done me any wrong.

just an opine o mine.

Not that funny. Try again. Harder