Sometimes, just sometimes, I get overwhelmed by hurt, by the past, for what my kids had to endure. Hearing a song on the radio can trigger that, a song that my girly used to play and sing to over and over and over and over, till it drove us up the wall!
My girly has been sexually harassed from age 10 till she left to live with her dad, age 17. I didn't know. Suspected, asked, pried, got a pile of shite. From both my daughter and my ex.
It wasn't till I told her that I was leaving my ex, that she told me sort of what had happened. She was almost 18 then. We cried a lot together, and talked. For the first time in years she opened up and we talked, held each other, cried and talked. It was so sad and yet also good.
My girly got in a relationship with my step-son, who was living with us as well. She was 14, he was 19. Couldn't control it, stop it, as they both lived under the same roof.
She told me later she had done so to be safe from my ex. Don't know if it helped much though. I guess I'll never know what exactly happened, how far it went. I'll have to take her word that it didn't go all the way, but I'll never be sure...
Because of all the shite (much more than just this), my son was hardly ever home. Poor kid was also just a teen.
Both had shite teenage years, only cos I got sucked in by a narcissist, also a victim of abuse. I got so much shite and abuse (mental, emotional, sexual, financial, physical) that I couldn't see the woods for the trees no more. In the end I, and my family, feared for my life. Suspect him of trying to poison my cats, daren't eat or drink anything he'd prepared anymore. Hell on earth ...
I got out, still sane, got my shite together better than ever before, I'm stronger than ever before, I truly got over it. I even managed to forgive my ex for all he has done to me and my children. I can still love. I can even love him as a human being, as he's also a victim of a disorder that was forced upon him by someone that hurt him as a kid (f*** knows who, don't care either).
And I'm proud of myself for being able to love still. For being strong but still able and willing to be vulnerable and love.
But dang, do I sometimes hurt for my children!! I got over it, I dealt with it and still do if stuff like this comes up. But my kids are only 23 and 20. At some point all that has happened will surface and they will have to work through it, again ...
So when I just heard "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa, which my daughter used to play over and over and over and sing to, I started bawling my eyes out. For all that was and all that never could be and all .. just f**** everything

Crystal, i wish there was something i could say to make the pain go away-i will listen-

Big hug Crystal! For you and your family!

Been there, done that also and know exactly how you feel. All we can do is the best we can day by day! That's all any of us can do Crystal.

Hugs and love to you (((Crystal)))

I'm the same way with music, I hear a song and it brings back so many memories, good and bad.

((((((Crystal))))))
Big Warm Hugs

My heart goes out to you and my admiration also.Your very strong and you still have the energy to love. God bless you Cyrstal and hang in there sweetheart love conquers all.

Thank you all

I'm passing you a virtual tissue, and giving you a virtual hug ;) Oh my. How awful. Were you having a delayed reaction? We don't expect things from the past to creep up on us like that, but they do. I never know what to say when it comes to stuff as serious as that. I bet deep inside, you're a very determined woman? Nothing can keep anyone down for too long.

I wish I had words to make you feel better. I am sure many of us empathize with your situation.

Thank you for your kind words.

@Shy emo chick, I think I first worked through my own stuff, I had to, in order to be able to survive, build up my life again etc. I still had to live with my ex for 9 months after I decided I wanted to split up, as I didn't have a house yet. The letting go did start straight away though, but it's very difficult to break free from a narcissist, mentally and emotionally. I did it, took my time for that as well. That's why I haven't really dated much yet, I don't want to rush in a relationship, not until I'm ready for it, which I am now, since September / October last approx. but I'm not in any hurry.
That's why I said elsewhere "I haven't been in the market for that long yet".
Now that I got my own stuff sussed, I guess there's space to think and kind of mourn what happened to my family.

Unfortunately I think my daughter married an abusive guy. So it's still a contemporary topic in our lives.
She moved to the US last year and married her fiance, an American. Not that long after their wedding, I saw her on Skype with a horrible black eye, few weeks later I noticed a huge bruise on her arm :( Both times some lame excuse of course. That's the bich, you attract abusive / bad ppl when you haven't worked your way through that shite. Law of Attraction, plus it's what you're familiar with.
Even his parents noticed over the holidays that he treats her badly and forbade her to go back home with him, made her stay with their daughter (his sister) for almost 2 months. He treats her like shite. Thank God his family stands by her if need be, cos neither me nor her dad are in the vicinity, we're on the other side of the big pool.
But this is one of the reasons my blood boils when I read derogatory stuff about women here, as if women are inferior, mostly from US men. And no offense, I know it's an enormous generalization, but seeing my girly like that, caused me to not have a particularly high opinion of US men.
Not a dig, nothing personal, so please no one be offended. It just happens automatically when you see your kid like that, on top of what I read here.

Anyway, I guess last part of the process to let go of the pain that was caused to my children and knowing I wasn't able at the time to stop it, even though I did my best.

I'm sorry to hear about your pains and your daughter's bad situation. My daughter is the same age as your daughter so I can imagine how worried you must be about her. Continue being strong, CrystalFairy. Hugsss

I admire your strength and courage! To leave a mentally abusive relationship is SO hard.
And good for you! If ya gotta cry, then cry! Let it all out! And once you've cried it all out, dust yourself off, pick up and carry on. You are SO worth it!

With great sadness and empathy I read this post. Sure seems like life is not for Sissies the way the world kicks some folks around. Sorry for your suffering.

Now as you find some safety in your freedom you will have to process things you did not have the energy to as you were surviving the crisis. Know you still have your angels around you, as do your daughter, and these heartaches will fade over time.

A particular comforting quote someone gave me many years ago and has grown my understanding as now not only a survivor, and mother, but grandmother...H.W.Beecher says "We never know the love of a the parent until we become parents ourselves."

The second comforting thought is we learn life by the seat of our pants. Sometimes we fail and sometimes we fly. But it is the journey that defines a real parent. Not a single success and not a single failure. Sometimes just how many times we get up and dust ourselves off and show our kids you keep on going is the most valuable lesson.

Another is "Never underestimate the love of a child and being a forever parent". It doesn't end when they fly the coop and I am sure your kids will know you care for their suffering if you keep your heart open to them. (That is not saying you have to feel good or approve of each of their choices or own their failures) just keep loving them. Sometimes they have to get a few of their own lumps to realize parents are neither perfect or invincible and then the true magic begins when they are not only your child but your friend so stick around and look forward to a better tomorrow.

Last but not least none of us truly know the future. Yea we can try to be street smart, get or insurances, make educated guess' and yet sometimes evil will prevail so give yourself a little grace and forgiveness. Self forgiveness is survival and it is part of surviving well and our kids learn it best by seeing how we actually do it.

From one mother's heart to another...Hang in there.

@ Pacific, very true, thank you!



Yes, absolutely true! The shite you get to hear, in my case for a decade, pfff... But in the end it didn't get to me anymore, I got stronger and stronger and he lost his hold on me (which p*$$ed him off tremendously, haha). I.e. when he first said "FO, get out of my house, just live in your car!" I was in ruins. You end up groveling to make up blablabla. In the end, when he said that, I remained calm, it was like someone saying "the sun is shining", and I simply told him if he couldn't stand the sight of me, he should leave himself and continued what I was doing. That angered him tremendously, as he owned the place. He could legally chuck me out, but he didn't know that
But just incredibly sad that you have to kind of get used to that kind abuse.
I've worked through my own side of things. I started a blog on relationships with NPDs, just to vent, but also to inform other women. I thought NPD was a rare thing, but quickly learnt there are an awful lot of NPDs, meaning lots of women are victim of them. The responses I got to my blog were overwhelming and heart-warming. I felt that I had really reached out and helped a number of other women with my own story. That helped heal me as well.
Last summer, approx. July/August, I felt I had him, and what he'd done to me, out of my system.
The worst blow I had to get over after we split up, was finding out he'd replaced me straight away. Another typical NPD thing. They can't be alone, need someone that reveres them. But dang, did that hurt! It felt that first I hadn't been allowed to be his partner and now I wasn't even allowed to be his ex. He'd moved on, as if he simply erased our relationship, which he probably is capable of doing as well. NPD is a weird thing.
In a way I feel sorry for him: he'll never be able to experience true love because of the NPD. It's all fake, an imago, pretense, and that's all his life is and is about. So that is actually sad.

But anyways, however silly it may sound, in a way I'm grateful for the experience, I needed it to grow, become me and empowered. Which I am now. I've never felt this good about myself, lost most of my shyness and insecurities, learnt to stand up for myself etc.

Just that my kids had to suffer tremendously, that hurts. I do believe there's a reason for everything, so I'm quite sure one way or another there's been a lesson in it for them as well.
But a mother's heart and wisdom don't always see eye to eye. No mum will think "Let's give my kids some abuse, so they'll grow and learn!"
But we'll get there.
Thanks for listening everyone!

It's a strange one Crystal. I had quite a lot of abuse from my ex but she tells me that all of her boyfriends have been nice guys and when I've talked to her about women that I've known that have been abused and have had serious problems due to being abused she said to me that she doesn't think that she could live with someone like that. I, on the other hand, tend to do the nice guy thing and be caring and understanding with women that have issues and it's like they can't handle that and would rather be treated like crap.

Yes, I know that saying that makes me sound like one of those guys that posts "nice guy" threads but you brought it up and it is something that I've thought about quite a lot after getting involved with a couple of women like that.

I think that it's all about trust; you being able to trust a man again and being able to trust yourself. If you were with someone for as long as ten years it's inevitable that you are going to compare other men that you meet with him and be expecting more of the same. You may even still have feelings for him and think that you want someone like him in some ways. I had a lot of mixed emotions when I finished with my ex. I was angry and hurt because of things that she put me through but I still thought about her fondly as well and remembered the good times that we had together and even saw a lot of the not so good stuff as being alright really and what I somehow deserved.

I haven't given up hope yet that I'll meet someone that's right for me but I'm not so much about getting my own thing together before I'm ready than you are. I'm happy enough with who I am and the rest is just about changing my situation. Starting dating again has been part of that. I'm not going to blame myself for it not working out with women that had problems and I'm not angry with them for being the way that they were because other people did that to them. My mother tells me that I would have given those women something special that they hadn't had before and I would like to believe that. Wasn't trying to "fix" or change them though and I just think that I know what it feels like to be treated like crap by people and overcome personal problems. I think that I probably see something in some women that makes me think that they are fighters but I don't want to fight with them and it's about being there for somebody when they need you and giving them whatever support that you can.

I've dealt with the hurt 'me' part. It's just the hurt mother bit that came out and needed release and my attention.
I think I already got over most of the anger when I was waiting for my own home and still forced to live with him for 11 months.
My first night here alone, was marvelous! He left around 12 pm (he'd helped me move and sort the difficult stuff out, like putting up curtain tracks etc). Relieve rushed through me! For the first time in 10 years I could be me, home, safe, no more stress or fear that he'd suffocate in my sleep. Sure it took me time to find my feet and get everything out of my system and get over the fact he replaced me straight away. But after some 10 months (on top of the 11 I had spent living with him, knowing we'd split up) I'd dealt with it. Which was last year approx. July/August. That's almost half a year ago now!
I'm happy, I'm beaming, get to hear that as well from ppl that knew me when I was still with him. I truly don't think I've ever felt or looked better in my life, which includes the time before my ex. So I'm good :)
And no, I don't have feelings for him still. And since I've moved into my own home I have never even thought "I wished I was still with him!"
I only wish I had a man when my fence is about to blow away in a storm or when I need to do Bob the builder stuff that is tricky, haha.
I don't live in the past, nor get stuck there. I'm too strong and stubborn for that and I choose to live, not mourn and sulk.
And you know what the best part of this is? For the very first time in my life, I feel free!!! I dare go on stage and sing, drum a bit, be an MC, I can flirt and enjoy it, I dare voice my opinion, I can take compliments, I enjoy it when men like me and so on. I feel effing great! So the "me" bit great!

Well, it sounds like it was actually better for you to not just have a clean break. It broke my heart to finally end it with my ex and tell her that I didn't want to see her anymore and I didn't really finally move on from that until last year.

There's nothing that makes me think that being single again is great but then, no woman ever really made me do anything that I didn't want to do or could have stopped me from walking away at any time that I wanted to. I'm not really that bothered about getting attention from women either, if it isn't leading anywhere, although compliments are always nice I suppose and I guess that I feel better when women aren't just ignoring me, even if it isn't going anywhere.

I think that I'm probably more eager to meet someone else than you are but not desperate I think and I do feel a lot better than I did before I started dating again, even if that hasn't really worked out. I think that I'm just a little bit cautious now because I know what I'm like and I do tend to fall for women quite easily, even if they aren't really what I'm looking for. I think that that's alright to a certain extent though because I like to think that I am open to meeting somebody new or different but I just know what sort of women that I click with and I'm not going to get anywhere with someone that isn't really my type of girl, however much I might want to give it a go with them.

That sounds horrible with your daughter, by the way. I'm not surprised that it's been upsetting you.

Yeah.


I may not have had it as bad as you did, Crystal, but I tolerated a lot from my first boyfriend. Never knew he had issue's, until his mid twentis. That's when his weird mood swings started. I kept asking myself what the flip I must have done to cause them. Yet, when he told me it was not my fault, I felt slightly better about it. If he got voices in his head, bullying him, I would soon be able to tell, as he'd start to get all angry, and refuse to conversate. It must be hard to deal with. It was dangerous though. So I had to physically keep myself away from him. You have to put yourself first, girly.