Was asked to be a part of my children's fathers family therapy as he is in a recovery house for addicts right now. I know its important and probably even something I need but I don't wanna do it. It ticks me off my name was even spoken from his lips. I dont wanna help him not even in the least. I get physically sick when I see him. I'm forced to stay on speaking terms with him because of my kids when I'd give anything to be able to burn that bridge. I'm tired of smiling at the people who've hurt me. Other people have no problems being unforgiving and vengeful towards me. Why should I be any different. And yes I'm going but I don't want to.

relationships are never only his or her fault when they are unhealthy- when you see your part there will be a lot of growth and healing for you- hang in there i know you can do it- you are doing this for you not him and good luck-

you have a right to your OWN feelings. No one should tell you you are wrong for what YOU feel.

In the end you are going.. that's all that matters.

Good Luck to you.

Well good for you for going its hard I'm sure but hopefully he gets well and can be the father he needs to be for his kids

On one hand, I do firmly agree with you. If he is a cancer to your life you have to cut it off. On the other hand, I am 13 years clean and I kinda do understand if he wants you there while he is trying to fix himself up.

Now if it is a court order that he has to go to rehab and all that, then no pity at all, he needs to go because he wants to go, not because someone else is forcing him to ya know?

It's not a question of right or wrong...Teebee is correct, you are entitled to your feelings.... If you think of it as a sacrifice your are making for your children it may be easier for you to handle.....Your children will be better served by a sober father....Make it about them, not him...Good luck!

So sorry to hear this for you
You have enough to deal with already with your recent loss
............Thinking what to say....
I surmise that YOU ...
...Are a WONDERFUL human being


SMILE ...
...Because YOU are WORTH it !

It is only natural to not want to help someone who has done nothing but injure us in some form or fashion. It is called "being human". I went through the same thing with my kids dad, but, as mentioned above, I never retaliated or kept him from seeing his kids, although he never supported them in any way...and I did it, not for his sake, but because my children still loved him and I would not take that away from THEM. Children have the uncanny ability to see only the good in other people, and are so very forgiving. It was for that quality I saw in them, that I could not express my negative feelings for him. Eventually, however, he alienated his own kids all by himself. That, my dear is what I call "Poetic Justice". It may be your ex will change, but maybe he won't; nevertheless, he is the only father your children have at the moment, so for your children's sake, grin and bear it with peace in your heart that you are, indeed, doing it for the children you love so much. JMHO Strength and Love to you!

I cannot do any better than what's been said already!
It takes a lot of strength to feel what you feel and still choose to do the right thing.
To not be "like everyone else" is truly a strength of character.
Be blessed my sweet "realcarebear" for you are taking a giant step in the right direction and yes, those steps are always the hardest!

Remember you have a whole Mingle family that care about you and respect you.

Sorry that you are having to deal with this and I think your feelings are justified.

What you may be over looking is if you participate in this recovery program you have rights and one of them is to be very honest about how much this addiction has affected your life. It is NOT all about how he feels it is about how his addiction affects others and being accountable for it.

Participating in his recovery is not about forgiving him for being an addict it is about helping him to not continue to be an addict which will directly affect the quality of your life and your children's lives.

You have the choice to be the same vengeful unforgiving person others are but the reality is vengeance is usually a heavier burden than just letting it go.

And forgiving someone is more about freeing yourself than the person you forgive. Because when you really forgive someone you can forget them.

Hope this brings you blessings and peace.

{{Rasmus}} I'll take "the Rasmussen reports for 1000
Alex! or was that the explorer?

It can't be forced in the long run its for him
he needs to be good for himself first and do it for himself, then its about the kids.
To me, you don't seem like your healthy enough
to be a part of it right now, or perhaps never.
Someone in recover doesn't want someone to fake
it around them, they need genuine support and it sounds
like he has some,get a backbone and tell the family
that you wish him all the best,first and foremost
for himself and for healthy relations with the children
If the hurt was truly one sided and there
was a lot of hurt put on you and you don't
jump aboard, it will give him something to think
about as well as talk about in group daily. IF he goes
through a 12 step program then that will be starting
in (step 8) making amends:accepting the harm
that we do to ourselves and to others
step 9 making amends:Its way more than an apology.
contacting people you have hurt through your
Life and saying your peace,and perhaps
some don't want to come around from the hurt
one may have put on them and that just goes under
exceptance.

"God give me the serenity to
except the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference".
~The serenity prayer~

And thats sobriety,dealing with things into the
deepest pit, anyone can be sober for a while
and be a pist off dickhead (dry 'drunk') but thats
not sobriety.
This is not an intervention? This is treatment
and the fact you don't get involved is
not going to break it for him.
I believe the best thing you can do is gain
some more education on the subject.
Many people don't have outside support because
they have failed over and over and they either
don't tell people for the sake of letting them
down again or people have heard it too many times and
they will just have to win them over as part of their long term goals.A persons own body doesn't
even believe themselves in some cases. Really just
pass on you best through his family and that
you realize its important for him to be good
for himself in order to be good for the kids and thats
it! You don't have to like the guy right now
so that way your honest to yourself and your legitimate
feelings.it will let him know that you have
an interest for the kids, which will help him
as support and also knowing that you aren't
fine with him is OK. It's up to him to redeem himself
and prove it,he may have taken a big step but there is a lot of hard work ahead, sobriety is a lot of hard work,chainging your habits, who you hang out with
where you hang out, challenging yourself,going out of
your comfort zone,scheduling with events thats
don't interest you and always plans so you don't
get caught off gard,and ALWAYS an exit plan.
You fake it to you make it,you really do, and
what was once a lot of hard work eventually
will just become a life style.

Pony, i have no intentions of faking anything. Not anymore anyways. I let him get away with a lot that he did to me because I felt guilty. Like it was my fault he was drinking again. I was told it was important for him to hear the hurtful and damagingly horrible ways his addiction has hurt the people that love him.

I want him to be healthy and happy. Its all I ever really want for anyone. I want it for myself too. I always forgive and end up getting burned twice.

I appreciate all the supportive comments on here and those who private messaged me.

{{Pacificstar}}
yes you are spot on about freeing one's
self with forgiveness but I don't understand
outside involvement in treatment programs?
I get the intervention thing but I'm not familiar
with that? When does that come in to play? Like family canceling?, must be at the end

One of the most difficult things as humans, we
are called upon to do is respond to evel with kindness
and forgive the unforgiving.

It realy is the kindest thing you can do
for yourself,and they may not deserve it
but it will free you of evil.


"Hate is like an acid
It damages the vessels in which it was stored
and destroys the vessels on which it is poured.
12 step program: Forgiving of others; step 4,5..8,9

IDN what they are teaching in the states or
some states these days. so I will say one
thing,if it happens in the first three months
I would says its a bunch of BS

*and maybe you just want to unload.
Sounds like its a once in a lifetime
opportunity. I kind of wish a had that
chance 10 years ago, it seems its designed more
for the victims.

I guess I'm confused. But I can tell you he's not been there more than a week. Also he was made to go. Another thing. The whole time we were together he never drank. He drank maybe one or two times socially but never at home. We were together for almost five years. Didn't start drinking again until after he moved out. I never knew him to have a drinking problem in all honesty.

I edited back in and wrote
more in my last post.
So he was made to go.
Then I will dismiss it as been real recovery.
I'm out on this subject

Your views were appreciated.

realcarebear your honesty is refreshing. Take time to heal yourself from the trauma. I cannot add anything to what has been said.