Ok! So I guess I will put all of my dirty landry out there for the world to see, but if this information helps just one person, then I will feel much better. Ok here goes nothing. I am 37 yrs old a single mom, living home with my parents. I lost my house to a fire three years ago and had to move in with them. Now at that time I was divorced and dating a really wonderful guy. We made tons of plans to get married have kids etc... but then one day something happened and boom he was sick of crap and couldn't deal with things and was like thats it I am done with you, our relationship is over. Now my point behind all of this, is now I have to start all over and I have only been with 2 men my whole life. My ex-husband and now my ex bf. I suffer with anxiety pretty bad and take medicine to help control it, but unfortunately it crushed my lobido. Now I have to start all over again and I am scared to death. WHat if the person can't understand? what if there expectations are too high and I cannot meet them? How do I handle this? I am scared and I feel really alone. Now I know I haven't been on here long, but I am reaching out. I am a good person, with a few problems right now. Maybe some of you have been through what I am going through and could help me. I could use a few friends and I figured this would be the best way to learn some new things and get peoples opinions.

First of all, anyone that really cares about you is going to understand and want to go at a pace that is comfortable for the both of you. The libido thing won't come up for a while, I would think, long enough for you to know whether he cares or is just out for a piece. I wouldn't wait so long, though, that you or he is in too deep, that way if he truly can't handle, not as many feelings will be involved. And, you should always shoot for someone who loves you for you, not for who they think you should be or want you to be. That's completely unfair and unrealistic for both people.

Chin up, girlfriend! Try not to worry so much, make some new friends, have a little fun and who knows what may come of that.

Suz

binky am ina fresh realionship and am terrified of intimiacy the fact remains for me is to just let things happen .. face those fears .. have no expectations cuz with thsoe you are sure that the other person wont meet them be yourself ..loving you is the first and most important gift in life cuz when you love yourself you dont tolerate chaos in realionships... i think your thinking too much about it let things happen and they will

I am sorry to hear that. Have you ever thought that maybe he was the one with the problems. Maybe he made these life plans with you, but when it was getting close to the time to impliment them he wasn't able to handle the commitment. I have come across some men that blame the women. My last boyfriend that I had blamed me for the problems in the relationship, but it turned out that he was dating someone else and it was easier to blame me than himself. When you meet a man tell him about your anxiety problem and that you take meds for it. If he is the man for you then he will accept you the way you are. Thats about all I can tell you. Hope it works out for you.

I'd take some time to focus on yourself. The dating stuff can wait. Go travel a bit. Learn a few new hobbies. Take some time to be on your own again. Life does not begin or end with a man in your life.

Hang in there.

whatever you do or decide to do, do it with honesty. if you meet someone and like them and think something could come about, explain about yourself.
no need to explain to everyone, just the ones you feel things could happen with,
if i am just out for a piece of tail i have no time to waste to let a relationship build. But if you may be the one i have all the time in the world for you, does that make sense??

Yes what you all have said makes alot of sense. Right now I am trying really hard to focus on myself, but since I was 15 I have been in a relationship and I don't know what it means to do for me. I have done for everyone else, but me. My ex-husband, ex-bf, and my son. I always have put him first. Sometimes I think I don't know who I am or want I stand for in this life. Thank you all once again for support. I think the bf couldn't take my mother who is Italian and very head strong. She talked to him sometimes like garbage. I guess life goes on.

best of luck to you

It seems you have a ton of compassion and love for everyone but yourself. That is a good quality, but do not let your life go stagnent. You have alot to offer so know this and give some of that love to yourself.

Don't sweat it, this is 'You" time now, let bf go on his merry way, good thing you found out now rather than AFTER you were married! The men aren't going anywhere, focus on yourself for a change, you'll get used to it REEEAAAL quick! Work on your anxiety problems, if you're worried about the libido thing, learn to manage your anxiety whether it be through therapy or there are some great books out there to help. Once you have your anxiety under control, then maybe look into switching to a milder med. But until you can handle the anxiety, I wouldn't EVEN worry about a man, men and anxiety do not mix. Good luck sista!

The more you read and educate yourself about anxiety and depression, the better able you are to handle it. It's important to understand why your mind and your body act this way, and you CAN control your mind.

Good things coem to those who wait and you will find the right one Binky...good luck!

First of all girl welcome to the site. Second WoW that took allot to put your fears out there for all to read. Girl pat your self on the back that was great and the first step to living your dreams not everyone elses.

Well I think the first thing you have already done you found the right spot here at this site lots of great people and will find lots of great friends indeed.

Now you need to learn to do for you and let the otheres take care of them selves. Do things that make you feel good. Dont worry so much about a relationship but think about your self first the one that matters the most you. Sit down write down a list of things about yourself maybe the things you want to work on pick the smallest task do it first complete it mark it off treat yourself to something nice then go to the next.

In the meantime meet friends here and enjoy the conversation things will fall into place don't rush things just take them one day at a time and learn to enjoy the things in life you enjoy. When others see you are happy the rest all falls together.

Enjoy have fun meet new friends. And Speak your mind.

I think you need to find out who you are, thats the first thing you need to do! I don't think you have discovered who you are, when you do that....then you will realize that men can wait!
You need lots of "ME" time and trust me, there are so many single men out there, don't worry about trying to find one just yet. Focus on you and only you!! Then I think you need to focus on getting away from your head strong mother...maybe then you will feel better about yourself. Sometimes mothers seem to tie you down with out you even realizing it. I mean you can still love her and be close to her...but do it from your own home!!
You will find out that living on your own and being independent gives you so much pride in yourself!! So move out from mom's house, work on your ME time and keep your chin up...Who says we have to have a man in our life to complete us??
Its nice when you can honestly say.. I DON'T NEED A MAN IN MY LIFE, I WANT A MAN IN MY LIFE!!
Good luck

Anxieties can be compounded by the 'what ifs?"

Especially when fairly traumatic experiences, (house fire) comes out of left field...no control over that situation..didn't see it coming...

How to overcome the'what ifs?'...perhaps by turning them around to the 'what I knows'...none of us have a crystal ball and can perfectly predict the future..life will always come out of left field...the good, the great, and the amazing can as well as the not so great stuff.

Ask yourself what you DO know...because that you can answer...and it becomes the building blocks to self esteem...you know you can survive a divorce, you know you can survive losing all your posessions...you can survive.

Life is not a series of predictable events...you have experienced this already...and you survived..kick the 'what ifs' to the curb, and take back your life..you've earnt it.

You know when you grow up caring for others you have a higher chance of becomming naturally co-dependent it feels safe to remain in that state but it is rarely if ever healthy... You need time alone to rediscover or to finally discover yourself.
Volunteering, creativity, spirituality, classes of interest, groups of interest and many many more things are what you need to do….
Focus on your life not on just your wounds certainly not on anyone else. On what you love. Use your insights, you were born with them..
Find your gifts share them with others. Find your hope,find your inner strength build new dreams and rediscover or discover meaning and purpose in your life.
You can rediscover the strength and grace that already lies within you.
When you have done this
You are then ready to embrace a relationship. For some people this takes years.. It did take me years. I had my kids young and I didnt know who I was without them when they moved out on their own.. I was completely lost...
As far as the meds go... Find a new doctor or talk to the one you have because there are meds out there that will not affect your libido.

First off welcome and thanks for sharing that it had to be hard.But you will see there is alot of great people here.I have alot of issues from the past that I just closed the chapter on that a few yrs. ago.Your still young and you have try and move forward and believe someone is outhere who will love you no matter what .We all have are flaws,I wish you the best.

I am gonna try to respond to all of you. First I am on a new medicine that is nto affecting my libido, which is great, but the downside is now I have the libido back, but no partner. Ok sucks for me. Well actually sucks for him. Anyway, I have done many things, like volunteering and I am very creative. I make candy trees and I love it. It is a bit of a stress reliever for me. I am trying very hard to find myself. It has been an awfully long time since I have done for me. Now as far as the "What ifs" well I have loved with them my whole life. I will try to turn those "What ifs" though into What I know's. Thank you for the advice. Now I would love to move out on my own, because I was used to being independent. I moved out on my own when I was 17 and my mom didn't talk to me from the time I was 17 until I was 23, because she didn't like my bf and she wouldn't approve of us being together. ( See once again CONTROL ) now, When i lost my house I was on disability, because I have a very very bad back and I couldn't work anymore. At 28 I found out I have 4 ruptured disc, degenerative disc disease, Spina bifida, and arthritis in my spine. SO need less to say it hasn't been easy, but I have survived. Now I move in here with intentions of moving back to my home after it is rebuilt, but once again bad luck. The rotten ass Mortgage company didn't pay my homeowner's insurance and I am screwed. It had nothing to do with me, it was all there fault. I have spent three years trying to find a lawyer who would handle my case, but no one will touch it, because the company is Washington mutual and they said it would cost alot of money to handle this case. SO that's that. SO until I am able to save money. I am stuck, but I am going to try to make the best of it and move on. Thnaks again you guys and gals for all your support.

I had a lady in my life for six years who had THIS happen to her,,,and I was understanding about her lack of desire for sex,,but I told HER that even if I lost my PP in a accident,,I would STILL have a DESIRE to do other things to help HER feel good and WHY she was NOT in that thought, kind-of lost me,,but,,we made it through that time period.
But I still BELIEVE that I would do whatever I needed to do, for MY LADY, even if it or,,the ACT, wasn't turning me on,,,THATS CALLED LOVE,,,to me....or, at least PART, of LOVE....
But if YOU can't or DON'T want to "TRY" to make HIM happy, when YOUR the ONE with the LACK of desire,,,then,,,once again,,,I would be lost to help YOU think to know WHY...

*biiiiig hug*

i have a phobia of relationships in general.. I think i know what it's like a bit :(

anyway.. you might look into the idea of asexuality..


There's a community called AVEN here:

http://asexuality.org


Basically it's a collection of people who have no sex drive.

Some of them were born that way (like me) and others were 'made' that way by a traumatising event or a medical procedure.

I Realllly hope this helps ^^

~Cait

Thanks cait.