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| Topic: Second Marriages | |
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DID you, or do you think you WILL have a different view of marriage going into it a second time? Maybe a different expectation or value? I, unfortunately, lowered my standards the second time around I think many people do because they don't want to be two time losers,,and they don't want to reconsider what might have been RIGHT with the marriage they first had some people have that 80/20 rule, where they are missing something in a relationship and that's the whole focus of their perspective, whats missing instead of whats right so someone comes along with that ONE thing, and they ignore in that person everything that is wrong,,,, I think in the second marriage, I just wanted someone who would be faithful, that's about all I got,,,,,when I could have been much happier staying alone or working out the first marriage... |
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But, you might want to stop comparing everyone to her, though. I think I read in another post of yours that it has been many, many years since your divorce? But, you're still comparing women to her? I don't know where any of you are getting this stuff? It sounds like you and others are wanting to "read into" what I've said, And say things I haven't said. I haven't said one thing about comparing her to anyone. All I have said, In a nut shell, Lessons learned. If you marry one person and that person drives you nuts with their ways to the point that they drive you away,Cause you to leave that person, Divorce that person. When you come across someone else that has one or all those things that drove you away from your spouse, You're not going to allow yourself to get involved with someone else that has a way or ways like the one you left. Lesson learned. You're not going to do it again. That's not comparing anyone to anyone. It's just common sense. |
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But, you might want to stop comparing everyone to her, though. I think I read in another post of yours that it has been many, many years since your divorce? But, you're still comparing women to her? I don't know where any of you are getting this stuff? It sounds like you and others are wanting to "read into" what I've said, And say things I haven't said. I haven't said one thing about comparing her to anyone. All I have said, In a nut shell, Lessons learned. If you marry one person and that person drives you nuts with their ways to the point that they drive you away,Cause you to leave that person, Divorce that person. When you come across someone else that has one or all those things that drove you away from your spouse, You're not going to allow yourself to get involved with someone else that has a way or ways like the one you left. Lesson learned. You're not going to do it again. That's not comparing anyone to anyone. It's just common sense. This makes you sound like you're comparing others to her: I don't mean to sound sour or against marriage. To be honest, I'm the marrying kind. I like idea of being married. I like the "two of us together" part of it. I like having someone to come home to. Heck, Someone that gives me a reason to come home. But, I just don't think it's ever gonna happen for me again. And it's mostly because of what I learned while married. I learned how a marriage "shouldn't" be. Here is the part that sounds ugly. It's just the truth. It took me 5 yrs to start dating again after my divorce. I was a mess from what I was put through. After I started dating again it seems all I can find are women with some of the same qualities as my X. And I mean the bad qualities. One woman would have this quality. Another one would have that one. Each one would have at least one quality my X had that drove me batty. Which made me run away. (A child once burned learns not to play with fire") I don't know, Maybe it's just the part of the world I'm in? All I do know for sure is, It's gonna take a special kind of woman to put a hook in me again. She is gonna have to be an open book. Someone I can see for who she really is. Someone who doesn't hide who they really are. And not be someone who "springs" it on me all the bad things they are after they think they have me hooked. |
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I haven't been married, so I can't really answer this question. But, I have noticed that many who have been married become quite bitter and don't seem to get over the divorce. I have no problems dating someone who has been married before, but it's tough to get past that bitterness someone may have. Its unpleasant to be around. If they can get past that and grow from it, great, if not, stagnation. I agree. It is unpleasant to be around. A woman will want to feel like she is the most important thing you have going on so constant issues or comparisons with an ex come across as ties to her that interfere. for me anyway, that is not going to work. I have even chosen not to date a widowed man for this reason. even if the attachments and issues are negative they are still ties....if he can't cut them, it makes me feel like I am not important enough. A man might feel the same way about a woman's ex drama, I suppose In any event, who wants all tht negativity....??? |
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I can relate to that, i had my eyes open the whole time my last relationship. Guess what still blind sided me by moving out. And he lied about so much even the small stuff so i was always looking over my shoulder so i can see me doing that again
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Again, Folks don't read very close.
After I started dating again it seems all I can find are women with some of the same qualities as my X. The key word is "some" not all. And it's the truth. Met one just last week. Spends money that she doesn't have.Racks up bills she can't pay. Borrows from Peter to pay Paul. Already had one bankruptcy. Doesn't know how to live within her means. That's not comparing anyone to anyone. That's taking what you learned in one situation and using that knowledge to avoid another similar situation later. Common sense. It's called paying attention and learning from mistakes. And having brains enough not to get into that same situation with someone else. The more some of you talk the more you sound like you jump from one mistake to another and never really learn anything. It makes it sound like some of you who had problems with a X, You didn't learn from it. You will turn right around and jump into the same problems or worse with someone else. |
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Charles, I can only go by what you've written here, as I don't know you. I went by what you said in the post that I quoted, which made it seem as though you were comparing every woman to your ex. If you say you're not, then ok. No need to get mad about it.
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I read the statistics: if I were to go sky-diving and they told me one in two parachutes fail, I'd say I am not doing it. I am not looking to get into the line where in the end I give away half my stuff again
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Edited by
Charles1962150
on
Tue 07/02/13 03:34 PM
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Charles, I can only go by what you've written here, as I don't know you. I went by what you said in the post that I quoted, which made it seem as though you were comparing every woman to your ex. If you say you're not, then ok. No need to get mad about it. I'm not mad at you or anyone else. It's just I've already explained it twice.  Once in pretty good detail. Read a little more. And just for the record, It will be a cold day in he11 before anyone will make me mad over the internet. WHEN ON THE INTERNET,WORDS TO LIVE BY. ARGUING OVER THE INTERNET IS LIKE THE SPECIAL OLYMPIC'S, YOU MIGHT WIN,BUT YOU'RE STILL RETARDED. 
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Charles, I can only go by what you've written here, as I don't know you. I went by what you said in the post that I quoted, which made it seem as though you were comparing every woman to your ex. If you say you're not, then ok. No need to get mad about it. I'm not mad at you or anyone else. It's just I've already explained it twice. Once in pretty good detail. Read a little more. And just for the record, It will be a cold day in he11 before anyone will make me mad over the internet. WHEN ON THE INTERNET,WORDS TO LIVE BY. ARGUING OVER THE INTERNET IS LIKE THE SPECIAL OLYMPIC'S, YOU MIGHT WIN,BUT YOU'RE STILL RETARDED. And there's that attitude again. 
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Charles, I can only go by what you've written here, as I don't know you. I went by what you said in the post that I quoted, which made it seem as though you were comparing every woman to your ex. If you say you're not, then ok. No need to get mad about it. I'm not mad at you or anyone else. It's just I've already explained it twice. Once in pretty good detail. Read a little more. And just for the record, It will be a cold day in he11 before anyone will make me mad over the internet. WHEN ON THE INTERNET,WORDS TO LIVE BY. ARGUING OVER THE INTERNET IS LIKE THE SPECIAL OLYMPIC'S, YOU MIGHT WIN,BUT YOU'RE STILL RETARDED. And there's that attitude again. No attitude here. I'm just like most people in the world. When you explain something twice,Lots of folks tend to get a little irritated after that. Irritated,maybe,Mad,NO. I like a good debate. I just hate repeating myself. Getting off topic here. So,that's the end of it for me. Back on topic. |
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Edited by
sweetestgirl11
on
Wed 07/03/13 09:45 AM
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if it is even impossible to consdier that singme has an observation that could HELP you.....
no one agrees on everything, and we get that u had some bad experiences. many on here have, but I am not going to let that cloud interfere with the new love who looks my way. I am sure you were also not perfect in your marraiges. I mean the kind of obssesiveness shown on here would be difficult to live with. Perfect does not exist. I know I wasn't perfect in my past relationships. No one is. It is the ability to see both sides to things that moves you into "ready position" for the next relationship. ready not to make the same mistakes, ready to learn how to think positiively of what you DO want. to focus on that and put the rest in a little box in your brain somewhere in the back of the stack. able to let it go. you gotta, you really gotta be able to just let it go. I know it can be hard to do....it took me a few years too, but the feeling of freedom to just...let it go...is such an awesome peace. from the heart, that is true. I like the idea of keeping finances totally separate. I think you make a good point that they can cause problems. Last time I read up on the subject finances were the second biggest reason cited to cause divorce, infidelities being the first. |
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FYI The second marriage has a better than 50% failure rate and the average person in america is now married three times ...Often people do not learn from their marital and personal issues and gaining a new partner may only exacerbate an un examined or not acknowledged issue between one and or both people.... what I don't get is that no one on here seems to see the 40-50% that succeed. that's not bad numbers that is what I see and wish to learn from. those who suceed 
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The more some of you talk the more you sound like you jump from one mistake to another and never really learn anything. It makes it sound like some of you who had problems with a X, You didn't learn from it. You will turn right around and jump into the same problems or worse with someone else. Clearly you're not reading the same thread, then, because I for one have no idea where you're getting that idea from anything ANYONE has posted here. Care to elaborate? |
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Edited by
Charles1962150
on
Wed 07/03/13 08:35 PM
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FYI The second marriage has a better than 50% failure rate and the average person in america is now married three times ...Often people do not learn from their marital and personal issues and gaining a new partner may only exacerbate an un examined or not acknowledged issue between one and or both people.... what I don't get is that no one on here seems to see the 40-50% that succeed. that's not bad numbers that is what I see and wish to learn from. those who succeed I understand what you're saying. Instead of looking at the negative we should be looking at the positive. All I have to go by is what I've seen and heard myself. Going by that only, I think that the amount of people who get married and stay married for ever is way less than 50%. Seems like I can remember hearing on the world news a few months back that the great majority of men and women now are opting to just live together. To me, It seems no one wants to really commit anymore. In a lot of ways I can see why. I'm gonna say some things here that some folks may not like. But, It's the truth. A lot of men don't want to commit in marriage simply because they don't want every thing taken away from them that they worked so hard to get. Here in the great USA the law is very slanted towards the woman in the divorce. A woman here can almost do anything during her marriage and get away with it in court. The man still winds up paying out the arse. When I was in law enforcement, I saw a lot of this. I know a guy right now that is having to live with his brother and his girlfriend because he can't afford to live out on his own. He makes in the neighborhood of 1500 bucks a month. His X gets 1'100 of it every month. And she was the one that got caught messing around with another man. In the divorce, It didn't matter. Also, She refuses to get a job or even try to. She wound up with the house that he built for him and her. She got everything. Including the bed that they picked out together to have on their wedding night. Now, She's got the house & bed and another man to screw in both of them. (Crap like this is what causes some men to go bonkers and kill somebody) When you get right down to it,It seems that a lot of women really don't need a man anymore. Some say they just "want" one. It seems like we are really no better than that cute dog or cat in the pet shop window that you see and just "want one". It's born in a man to feel like he is needed. It's part of how we are wired. We can't help it. It's one of our basic needs. Many women now refuse to give that to a man. Admit she needs him. And then wonder why "he" moved on. I will admit that in all my yrs in law enforcement,I met some really sorry,low down scum of the earth men that deserved exactly what they got. I also met a lot of good men that wanted to be a good husband and father,Taken to the cleaners. Ruined by the one person they thought would never do anything against them. It's OK to look on the bright side and say,Look at the 50% or so that stay married. But when you look at the "whole" picture, Well, I hate to say it, The bad out weighs the good. A lot of decent men,The marrying kind of men, They shy away from marriage and long term commitment. And I believe it's mostly out of fear. Fear of being that guy that winds up living in his brother or sisters basement because he cannot afford to live out on his own. And the worst thing of all, Being "branded" a loser by other women and men that really have no idea what he's been or going through. And in defence of women, as I said above,I've seen a lot of men who deserve what they got and a whole lot more. There are a lot of sorry,low down men out there just looking for some woman they can use and abuse. I've locked up a few of them. I know. |
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Wow...IT'S ALIVE!
 I had no idea this was still going. Thanks for sharing. I have to say it surprises me to see so many answers, and so many different opinions. But regardless of arguments over the specifics; the two end results seem to either be...try again and hope experience is a better decision maker this time, or NO WAY JOSE!
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yea u can say that again,i have been single after my divorce for13years whats happening to you is the opposite of whats happening to me
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FYI The second marriage has a better than 50% failure rate and the average person in america is now married three times ...Often people do not learn from their marital and personal issues and gaining a new partner may only exacerbate an un examined or not acknowledged issue between one and or both people.... what I don't get is that no one on here seems to see the 40-50% that succeed. that's not bad numbers that is what I see and wish to learn from. those who succeed I understand what you're saying. Instead of looking at the negative we should be looking at the positive. All I have to go by is what I've seen and heard myself. Going by that only, I think that the amount of people who get married and stay married for ever is way less than 50%. Seems like I can remember hearing on the world news a few months back that the great majority of men and women now are opting to just live together. To me, It seems no one wants to really commit anymore. In a lot of ways I can see why. I'm gonna say some things here that some folks may not like. But, It's the truth. A lot of men don't want to commit in marriage simply because they don't want every thing taken away from them that they worked so hard to get. Here in the great USA the law is very slanted towards the woman in the divorce. A woman here can almost do anything during her marriage and get away with it in court. The man still winds up paying out the arse. When I was in law enforcement, I saw a lot of this. I know a guy right now that is having to live with his brother and his girlfriend because he can't afford to live out on his own. He makes in the neighborhood of 1500 bucks a month. His X gets 1'100 of it every month. And she was the one that got caught messing around with another man. In the divorce, It didn't matter. Also, She refuses to get a job or even try to. She wound up with the house that he built for him and her. She got everything. Including the bed that they picked out together to have on their wedding night. Now, She's got the house & bed and another man to screw in both of them. (Crap like this is what causes some men to go bonkers and kill somebody) When you get right down to it,It seems that a lot of women really don't need a man anymore. Some say they just "want" one. It seems like we are really no better than that cute dog or cat in the pet shop window that you see and just "want one". It's born in a man to feel like he is needed. It's part of how we are wired. We can't help it. It's one of our basic needs. Many women now refuse to give that to a man. Admit she needs him. And then wonder why "he" moved on. I will admit that in all my yrs in law enforcement,I met some really sorry,low down scum of the earth men that deserved exactly what they got. I also met a lot of good men that wanted to be a good husband and father,Taken to the cleaners. Ruined by the one person they thought would never do anything against them. It's OK to look on the bright side and say,Look at the 50% or so that stay married. But when you look at the "whole" picture, Well, I hate to say it, The bad out weighs the good. A lot of decent men,The marrying kind of men, They shy away from marriage and long term commitment. And I believe it's mostly out of fear. Fear of being that guy that winds up living in his brother or sisters basement because he cannot afford to live out on his own. And the worst thing of all, Being "branded" a loser by other women and men that really have no idea what he's been or going through. And in defence of women, as I said above,I've seen a lot of men who deserve what they got and a whole lot more. There are a lot of sorry,low down men out there just looking for some woman they can use and abuse. I've locked up a few of them. I know. wasn't ignoring you - I just tonight saw this. I am sorry you are so troubled. I lost everything in my divorce and I will never forgive my ex so I know how men who go thru that feel. but I will not allow it to sour me. good luck in learning to deal w/ your issues |
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FYI The second marriage has a better than 50% failure rate and the average person in america is now married three times ...Often people do not learn from their marital and personal issues and gaining a new partner may only exacerbate an un examined or not acknowledged issue between one and or both people.... what I don't get is that no one on here seems to see the 40-50% that succeed. that's not bad numbers that is what I see and wish to learn from. those who succeed I understand what you're saying. Instead of looking at the negative we should be looking at the positive. All I have to go by is what I've seen and heard myself. Going by that only, I think that the amount of people who get married and stay married for ever is way less than 50%. Seems like I can remember hearing on the world news a few months back that the great majority of men and women now are opting to just live together. To me, It seems no one wants to really commit anymore. In a lot of ways I can see why. I'm gonna say some things here that some folks may not like. But, It's the truth. A lot of men don't want to commit in marriage simply because they don't want every thing taken away from them that they worked so hard to get. Here in the great USA the law is very slanted towards the woman in the divorce. A woman here can almost do anything during her marriage and get away with it in court. The man still winds up paying out the arse. When I was in law enforcement, I saw a lot of this. I know a guy right now that is having to live with his brother and his girlfriend because he can't afford to live out on his own. He makes in the neighborhood of 1500 bucks a month. His X gets 1'100 of it every month. And she was the one that got caught messing around with another man. In the divorce, It didn't matter. Also, She refuses to get a job or even try to. She wound up with the house that he built for him and her. She got everything. Including the bed that they picked out together to have on their wedding night. Now, She's got the house & bed and another man to screw in both of them. (Crap like this is what causes some men to go bonkers and kill somebody) When you get right down to it,It seems that a lot of women really don't need a man anymore. Some say they just "want" one. It seems like we are really no better than that cute dog or cat in the pet shop window that you see and just "want one". It's born in a man to feel like he is needed. It's part of how we are wired. We can't help it. It's one of our basic needs. Many women now refuse to give that to a man. Admit she needs him. And then wonder why "he" moved on. I will admit that in all my yrs in law enforcement,I met some really sorry,low down scum of the earth men that deserved exactly what they got. I also met a lot of good men that wanted to be a good husband and father,Taken to the cleaners. Ruined by the one person they thought would never do anything against them. It's OK to look on the bright side and say,Look at the 50% or so that stay married. But when you look at the "whole" picture, Well, I hate to say it, The bad out weighs the good. A lot of decent men,The marrying kind of men, They shy away from marriage and long term commitment. And I believe it's mostly out of fear. Fear of being that guy that winds up living in his brother or sisters basement because he cannot afford to live out on his own. And the worst thing of all, Being "branded" a loser by other women and men that really have no idea what he's been or going through. And in defence of women, as I said above,I've seen a lot of men who deserve what they got and a whole lot more. There are a lot of sorry,low down men out there just looking for some woman they can use and abuse. I've locked up a few of them. I know. wasn't ignoring you - I just tonight saw this. I am sorry you are so troubled. I lost everything in my divorce, and I will never forgive my ex so I know how men who go thru that feel. but I will not allow it to sour me. good luck in learning to deal w/ your issues @sweetestgirl11 I have no issues.Neither am I sour. I think you're missing my point. What I posted above is the straight truth about the world we live in. It happens to a lot of people. I know after 20 yrs of being a cop that it happens to women to. But,Most times,It's men that get the dirty end of the stick. Because of this a lot of men do not want to commit. It's scary to a lot of them. So scary they have become commitment phobic. They see this happen to their friends and family members. They see it just like I did. Except with me, It wasn't in my marriage where I saw It. I saw it first hand in court.And with another guy I know. Some, I just sat in on because I wanted to listen to the case. Others, I was the bailiff. I don't know what part of the world you live in. At this point I haven't looked at your profile. But here in Ga, What I said is true. The law is slanted towards the woman. Here in Ga, Unless the woman does something really bad, Like,Killed a child or something, She gets the kids. I've seen with my own two eyes and heard with my own two ears,in court, A woman got her kids back on a technicality, Even though she was mentally deficient. There sat her X husband. Decent man with a decent job that could support and raise those kids. That one almost made me cry. No, In women as a whole, I'm not sour. I think I've just seen to much. |
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