DID you, or do you think you WILL have a different view of marriage going into it a second time? Maybe a different expectation or value?

FYI The second marriage has a better than 50% failure rate and the average person in america is now married three times ...Often people do not learn from their marital and personal issues and gaining a new partner may only exacerbate an un examined or not acknowledged issue between one and or both people....

I think I will bring a lot that I learned during my first marriage, and that it will be helpful. With luck, my second husband will also bring an improved understanding of marriage from any previous marriage he may have had, and between the two of us we'll be able to build something successful and lasting.

Hey guys! Didn't know if anyone would want to answer this one really, so thanks for putting in an appearance.

So far we have...they are destined to fail and I know more than I did back when this time. A bit of a spread so far.

I think they have a better chance, no fairy tale visions in your head.

I have four notches on my belt.

I don't mean to sound sour or against marriage. To be honest, I'm the marrying kind. I like idea of being married. I like the "two of us together" part of it. I like having someone to come home to. Heck, Someone that gives me a reason to come home.

But, I just don't think it's ever gonna happen for me again. And it's mostly because of what I learned while married. I learned how a marriage "shouldn't" be. Here is the part that sounds ugly. It's just the truth. It took me 5 yrs to start dating again after my divorce. I was a mess from what I was put through.

After I started dating again it seems all I can find are women with some of the same qualities as my X. And I mean the bad qualities. One woman would have this quality. Another one would have that one. Each one would have at least one quality my X had that drove me batty. Which made me run away. (A child once burned learns not to play with fire")

I don't know, Maybe it's just the part of the world I'm in? All I do know for sure is, It's gonna take a special kind of woman to put a hook in me again. She is gonna have to be an open book. Someone I can see for who she really is. Someone who doesn't hide who they really are. And not be someone who "springs" it on me all the bad things they are after they think they have me hooked.

I have to ask this:

Did each of these women have only ONE of the negative qualities your ex had? I guess what I'm getting at is that there isn't anyone, male or female, who is without some negative quality of some sort. Nobody's perfect, so if what you need is a perfect mate, then you're right, you probably won't ever find a woman who meets that need.

If, on the other hand, you can handle certain negatives in isolation (rather than several concentrated in one person), you might find a woman who has so many wonderful and positive qualities that they overshadow the one negative quality.

I wish you success in finding someone like that.

This sounds like good sense to me. If your ex had only one of the bad qualities, would you still have run? Would she still be your ex?

yes, my current view is living together for a really long time is a fantastic idea. marriage isn't
something to jump into, or take lightly, it's a significant committment which seems harder
and harder to keep these days. so, i'm fine without ever getting married again, but i do
keep my options open. and it will have to be barefoot on a beach....somewhere :)

I think we all should move in with Soufie and Krupa.

I think we all should move in with Soufie aned Krupa.

so true, he said it twice ..hehe

I agree and was also thinking OR he needs more time and separation from his ex so he sees the woman he's with NOT a vision of some quality of an ex

if a man started comparing me to another woman I would think he needed more time to get over that other relationship and would break things off

as far the OP: I am too afraid to get married again. don;t think I could do it

Yes this time I'm getting married on August
31st insteed of the 30th as Julius Cesar's
calendar was altered by his jealous nephew
Augustus, the first Roman Emperor.
He stole a day from February so his month
was the same as Julius's month, (July)
so in the old book of Law,I think I would have
grounds for an annulment, if thing were to...
You know

OK,Maybe I should be a little more clear. Haven't any of you ever been around someone that had a certain way about them that you just couldn't stand to be around that person? Maybe in one sense of the word he/she is a likable person. But, In another sense one of the biggest a$$ holes you ever met? Obnoxious,rude, jerk of a person that will stab you in the back in a heart beat? Talk about you behind your back and eat you up to your face? And to top it all off,One of the biggest hypocrites you ever saw?

OK, Lets say you were married to a person like that. You didn't know they were like that. They were very good at hiding it. After you marry that person,all this and more starts showing it's self. It's happened to many people out there.

You finally get to the point that you have had enough. You leave that person. You divorce. Isn't it good sense after going through all kinds of crap with that person,You don't want to do it again with anyone else? So, The people or person you date,When you see one of these qualities (If you want to call it that) Does it make good sense to keep dating that person when you know what it's gonna lead to? You already been there. Already done it. So, If I see "one" of these "qualities" in a person, I'm not hanging around. Because, If this person has one or all of these "qualities", And this person is around my age,It's a pretty good chance they are going to keep being the way they are.

As far as perfection goes,I know better. No such thing. How can an imperfect person expect perfection in anyone else? It's not gonna happen. But, I feel like we all have certain things about us that may turn certain people off. I can look past a lot of things and love a person for who they are. But, Some things, I'm just not going to deal with it. I will go find someone else.

One last thing, I've been divorced going on 14 yrs. I was done with my X the day I left. I will admit,I learned a lot from her. I learned to take my time and look deep. Sometimes, When you look deep,It takes time to see all the way to the bottom. Some people are very good at hiding who and what they are. I hate to say it,But,it's the truth. I've dated a lot of women in the past almost 14 yrs. Some were easy to see deep with. Some,Not so easy. That's why I haven't remarried. I look deep. With a good many of them, I just didn't like what I saw. Others, No "click". But, I do keep trying. I keep hoping that one day I will meet that one that is a true open book. Not just what she wants me to see.

You really don't sound like you're "done" with her, if you're still carrying so much of her around that it makes you see all other women as being just like her.

You might just be better off not dating.

Hopefully I will only go into marriage once and travel down that whole forever and always path.

I understood your message loud and clear the first time
Charles, very clear!
your were obviously talking about unacceptable character
traits that the females analyzing your comments would
Surly dismiss a male for these same faults.
You are right, if something isn't right then it must be
wrong! But you know this inside & out.
One thing I'd say, next time dont use the comparison
reference with the X maybee a dear uncle, so you
points not completely missed lost in estergin! Loud & Clear
Once again.

Furthermore, I also feel the hopelessness of finding
a life time partner in todays society, as I'm not going
too be looking in North American & most of my birth
Continent is out aswell.
if never had a girlfriend in NA that could tell the truth
nor could they have an accurate recollection of past
history, they all told a way different story.
enough bla bla bla ect, wasted here on a society
where its exeptable to have three divorces.
My parents have been married 50years and my
aunt n uncle that moved to Canada shortly after
have been married 55 years, out of their 5 children
combined, just my sister is married still & has been
since 92.
Not saying there isn't good woman, because I know
there is, & I'm sure there experiencing the same
problems.
when I was in grade three a good friends parents
got divorced & that was unheard of, only movestars
got divorced. .so a guess we can blame the Liz talors
of old Hollywood for society's change

and several paragraphs of her! lol

I sometimes see qualities in others that I don;t care for but seldom (if ever) associate those with an "ex." my exes weren't THAT bad lol