#HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS JANUARY 19, 2011BY: RUSSELL ROERING

http://www.examiner.com/article/who-am-i-identity-loss-relationships

No matter how great the relationship, no matter how perfect the situation, there is always a moment or period of time where a guy wonders exactly who he is in the new relationship he’s in. Granted, for most guys it’s not really a profound moment where your life becomes all romantic-comedy-like, but if you’ve never at least wondered “who is that guy cuddling in front of a movie on a perfectly good Saturday night?” then I can’t help you. But if you have wondered…pull up a barstool and let me explain.

It’s alright
The first thing you should know is that it’s alright to ask yourself who you are in a relationship. I don’t use terms like “its normal” because I believe that normal hasn’t existed anywhere for a long time. What I mean is that it doesn’t mean you should panic or take it as a sign to bail on the relationship.

It’s a sign
Just because its common, doesn’t mean that you should blow it off. This feeling needs to be addressed and dealt with or it will return. A good start is to take some time for yourself, step back, and make yourself list 5 things that you like to do and that you still do at least once per month. Here’s the trick: None of them can involve the person you are with. If you can’t even come up with two, you need to either find more interests or find a new person to be with. If you can easily come up with 5 or more, make sure you keep those things separate and just for you, because they are defining you outside of the relationship.

It’s up to you
Remember that both of you have an equal part in the relationship and bear equal blame. If you feel she is taking over your life, you need to step up and say something. If you know it and you don’t change it or at least say something, you have no one to blame but yourself. Time spent with your girlfriend is awesome, but both of you need away-time, too. Even in a relationship with kids where spare time is at a premium, time apart from each other is important. It reminds you that you are a person aside from “so-and-sos boyfriend”.

All of these points are important to remember because losing your own interests and sense of self can lead to resenting the person you are dating. If all of the choices they make are your choices, you may find yourself frustrated when they make a bad choice. Having outside experience may give you insight into a problem that helps the two of you make a different choice together. It may still be wrong, but resentment and blame may be spared.

Readers: Anything you’d add to this list? Am I right in this thinking or am I way off-base? Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

(I thought this was an interesting read.)

Rainbow you are spot on. This is exactly why I can't be in a relationship. I need my time to myself and need time away from the person I am with. I don't like losing my identity or giving up the things I love to do. The demands made in a relationship are just way too much for me to deal with. I was born an individual and I want to stay that way and not be attached at the hip to a guy. You are correct that people do indeed resent their partner because of this as I hear this from my friends both married and dating. Commitment shouldn't mean giving up who you are but it seems that is what people expect in a relationship.

I agree completely. Time spent for yourself is vitally important. Personally I have lost sight of who I am outside of being someone's wife, mother, employee, etc. I'm not sure how to regain it but I think that the author's idea for making a list is great.

Going forward, I believe I will accept the idea that "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I'd like to miss someone enough to want to spend time with them rather than live with the constant expectation that every facet of my life is based on my connection with someone else.

I am working on the five things. Actually, I am trying to come up with one right now to start off the list.

1. Writing poetry

I was wanting to put work on the list as 2. It is gradually working. Now that I try not to think of her. It was going great. I had recaptured my freedom. I was enjoying it. It is an internal struggle. Trying to not fall back into the grief. It is hard. At least I don't have to cry myself to sleep any more. Hey. That is a good thing. I always have my insanity to fall back on. She had accused me of the silent treatment. I mean what do you call it when they tell you to leave and don't try to contact you any more. I mean isn't that the silent treatment? Okay. I am not ready to put work on the list as 2 because I was thinking of her at work and when I was with her. Okay. I got 1. That is a start.

1. Reading
2. Computer use
3. Poetry
4. Weight lifting
5. Society meetings

A little weak on the list, but I managed to name five solo activities.

SOLO ACTIVITIES;
running.... in the morning or early evening by yourself if you can't road run go to the high school track and run, this is a great way to relieve stress and you can think
walking.....if you can't run then try walking same agenda

SOLO ACTIVITIES;
running.... in the morning or early evening by yourself if you can't road run go to the high school track and run, this is a great way to relieve stress and you can think
walking.....if you can't run then try walking same agenda

Good for you rainbow. I always maintain its not a bad thing to put yourself first. My friend puts everyone first and now feels empty as well as resentful as he says there is no time for himself. We had a good chat and he is now taking my advice and actually taking time for himself even if it does piss of his wife and grown kids. He has earned the right to take time for himself as every human being should.

Cool. Good job.

That makes sense. Thanks for sharing.

Good idea. Balancing out time for self with people pleasing. Trying to watch my extremism at this point. :)

I've always felt quite secure with my identity. I never mind being without a lover, as I don't rely on their company, or to define who I am.

That is some good self-reliance there.

A woman should never loose her identity in a relationshp, we are all individuals and should have a mind to think for ourself. We also all need to have some alone time, which doesn't mean we have to separate ourself in heart from our Parnter/mate.

I don't rush into anything. (Relationships included.).. My husband and I were just friends and "best buddies" for two years before love entered the picture..I think it takes time to see if people are truly compatible with us. By the time my husband and I finally got married we knew each other really well and discussed everything...We talked about how we wanted to be close without smothering each other...Right from the start we gave each other space and encouragement to continue growing as separate and unique individuals..This was our insurance policy to avoid getting bored with each other. Each day was full of surprises.. We were glad that we both had a mind and ideas and insights and interests of our very own.

I don't see anything wrong in spending ample time together.

This is why it's imperative to have at least one major activity in common.... and like to do the same things even in that.

Seems there's always one person in the relationship that gets to do everything they want to do, but won't do their partners activities.

I went fishing, camping, sand bugging, to his family get together's doing everything their way,....things I didn't really like, and others I did like, but wouldn't get to do the way I wanted.

He wouldn't take me to the beach, when he did, it was to go sand bugging, (not a fan),when fishing with him, he wouldn't sit and eat with me after I made a picnic. When camping, I had no one to stay up and poke the fire with me, he went to bed.
It was all his way everywhere we went.
This happened to me just recently. But I refused to lose who I am... I simply did my things by myself...until I realized I needed to ditch the guy.
Just a story for advise.

I think until you can comfortably live alone with yourself and get to know who you are, you can't really have a healthy relationship with someone else.

The age old idea that two people should become one is a myth. Everyone is unique. If you want people to accept you for who you are, you have to be willing to do the same.

You are right. It does go both ways. I had to become willing to lose the relationship to save the relationship. She was the stronger one. Well, the problem is cured. I am living by myself, again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_H-LY4Jb2M/url]


Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

I know a man
He came from my home town
He wore his passion for his woman
Like a thorny crown
He said Dolores
I live in fear
My love for you's so overpowering
I'm afraid that I will disappear

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

I know a woman
Became a wife
These are the very words she uses
To describe her life
She said a good day
Ain't got no rain
She said a bad day's when I lie in bed
And think of things that might have been

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

And I know a fa-ther
Who had a son
He longed to tell him all the reasons
For the things he'd done
He came a long way
Just to explain
He kissed his boy as he lay sleeping
Then he turned around and headed home again

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

God only knows
God makes his plan
The information's unavailable
To the mortal man
We're working our jobs
Collect our pay
Believe we're gliding down the highway
When in fact we're slip slidin' away

Slip slidin' away
Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away

Slip slidin' away
You know the nearer your destination
The more you're slip slidin' away
Mmm...

Paul Simon - Slip Slidin' Away