Community > Dating & Relationships

Topic: Dominance
wux Joined Wed 07/29/09 Posts: 7426	Mon 10/29/12 09:34 PM
I find the "dom" and "sub" labels or terms way out there!...The only time I've ever heard them used (before now) is in reference to porn... Funny... for me it goes back to my childhood, back to Mammy and Daddy. To Saturday nights, when they had put me to bed and they thought I was sound asleep. As if a child could soundly sleep whith whips cracking and chains rattling. So... I don't know if it's appropriate to say "dom" or "sub" is pornographic. To me they are terms of loving, endearment and warmth. The terms of a happy childhood.

wux Joined Wed 07/29/09 Posts: 7426	Mon 10/29/12 09:37 PM Edited by wux on Mon 10/29/12 09:39 PM
I'm definitely the submissive one. I love a man to be dominant and aggressive! The last time I heard a woman say that was on one of those phone-dating things, back in the last century, a few years ago, and I responded in kind, giving my telefon nummer or street address, I can't remember which, but I do remember that I had to answer an awful long list of quesions at the station, and some questions were asked several times, over and over. So I don't buy that talk, lady, any more, than I buy Eskimo pies. (It's the same as a regular one... 3.141567356... I got ripped off big time, when I ordered 100 of those on the TV shopping channel). Instead of this funny talk, be a man, and put your mouth where your loving is.

wux Joined Wed 07/29/09 Posts: 7426	Mon 10/29/12 09:45 PM
And sometimes there is judgement. Anyone who dares to be different is automatically regarded as a "kook!" Or labeled a "feminist" or ??...I didn't hang-out with my girlfriends all the time because I "stuck out" by saying "nice things" about my husband! They have regular "husband/men-bashing sessions." And I feel this is due to playing-out gender roles in their marriages....I'm sure their husbands probably have "women-bashing sessions" when they get together too!...My husband didn't like this kind of "stuff" either. So we didn't socialize very often and just kept to ourselves most of the time and had "peace!" Out of curiousity... was this happening during your first or second marriage? I am only asking because I hate it when it can be ambiguous. The whole trust of the statement can get misinterpreted if not all the pertinent facts are given. Like every woman who had multiple sons I ever dated kept saying "but my son..." or something. I had to tell them, "Judy, you have seven sons, to me it's not obvious at all which you refer to when you say "my son". Please delineate him from the gang, separate him from the herd, as heard, because if I am to listen, I want to understand, not just hear the rumble of a lot words pronounced at random."

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Tue 10/30/12 05:32 AM
I find the "dom" and "sub" labels or terms way out there!...The only time I've ever heard them used (before now) is in reference to porn... Funny... for me it goes back to my childhood, back to Mammy and Daddy. To Saturday nights, when they had put me to bed and they thought I was sound asleep. As if a child could soundly sleep whith whips cracking and chains rattling. So... I don't know if it's appropriate to say "dom" or "sub" is pornographic. To me they are terms of loving, endearment and warmth. The terms of a happy childhood. LOL...Well better to have "lively parents" than "prudish parents." (I guess!) Right??!!

lionsbrew Joined Tue 08/22/06 Posts: 14232	Tue 10/30/12 06:02 AM
I prefer it in a male, but common sense tells me that some women like more submissive men and some like something in between. SImilarly, men sometimes like a submissive woman and sometimes they like a dominant woman. I prefer being able to be soft/passive/submissive but I refuse to be abused or bullied and as a single parent it is necessary that I accept authority in my home. Still, a take charge man is the sexiest kind in my eyes. which are you : dominant , sub, or something in between? which do you prefer? I have always viewed a relationship as a mutual partnership. Both peoples doing there part to grow and live together as a team.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Tue 10/30/12 06:11 AM
So; what are your thoughts of when men become emotional? I found I had to be the strong one when the guys were overly emotional. I hate to break it to you but just being a man doesn't make you the strong one in a relationship. I was responsible for people's lives and making the wrong decision would have caused someone's death. How can I seriously see man who has sat behind a desk as a paper pusher being in charge when he has never faced these kind of decisions? I think the difference is I am mature enough to share equally in a relationship rather than take control which I easily could due to my life experience. I didn't get those medals by being dominated. I'm not talking about you. I'm speaking generally because I believe what I'm saying is generally true. Not all men are leaders. Not all women are followers. But, in all the successful relationships I know, one partner is more dominant than the other. Actually; successful relationships that I know of are equal and I am talking the 25 to 32 year types; not the 10 year ones. The dominant man/woman are more likely to cheat on a submissisve person as the sub person becomes dull and boring accoriding to the stats. The dom/sub relationships are good in the short term but long term the sub person is so submissive that they can't make even the simplest decisions which becomes taxing to the dom person. The feel more like they have adopted a child rather than being with a partner.

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Tue 10/30/12 06:13 AM
And sometimes there is judgement. Anyone who dares to be different is automatically regarded as a "kook!" Or labeled a "feminist" or ??...I didn't hang-out with my girlfriends all the time because I "stuck out" by saying "nice things" about my husband! They have regular "husband/men-bashing sessions." And I feel this is due to playing-out gender roles in their marriages....I'm sure their husbands probably have "women-bashing sessions" when they get together too!...My husband didn't like this kind of "stuff" either. So we didn't socialize very often and just kept to ourselves most of the time and had "peace!" Out of curiousity... was this happening during your first or second marriage? I am only asking because I hate it when it can be ambiguous. The whole trust of the statement can get misinterpreted if not all the pertinent facts are given. Like every woman who had multiple sons I ever dated kept saying "but my son..." or something. I had to tell them, "Judy, you have seven sons, to me it's not obvious at all which you refer to when you say "my son". Please delineate him from the gang, separate him from the herd, as heard, because if I am to listen, I want to understand, not just hear the rumble of a lot words pronounced at random." I was married to my "last" husband for 24 years. (Until he passed away in 2010.) We were both rebels! ("Sheep" who didn't fit into a "standardized flock!")..He was viewed as the "grey sheep" of his family because he didn't "play Tarzan" or "John Wayne" like his 4 older brothers did!...But he fit nicely into my family because we all took pride in being "grey sheep" or "spotted sheep" and sheep that couldn't be "penned-up!"

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Tue 10/30/12 06:28 AM
If it walks like a duck, flies like a duck, and quacks like a duck..... It's a duck. Why should it worry about being labeled what it clearly is??? well put we are taught ADJECTIVES to describe people and things,when we are trying to communicate an idea no 'label' is required for certain, but adjectives will be used to express an idea,,,,,or an observation,, I find the "dom" and "sub" labels or terms way out there!...The only time I've ever heard them used (before now) is in reference to porn...The term "submissive" is foreign to me because I've never been part of churches that use this word/term...And I don't claim to know very much about ducks! I see them swimming in rivers or lakes but that's about it! I agree. I believe in equal decisions as if something goes wrong; we both take equal blame. I wonder if women want men to make decisions so when something goes wrong they can blame him 100% rather than taking any responsiblity. I think this could be a hidden and unconscious motive....It's easy to sit back at a later date and say: "He did it! Not me!"...But we all have to be of legal age in order to get married. And this makes both partners responsible for choices made as a "couple."

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Tue 10/30/12 06:35 AM
I prefer it in a male, but common sense tells me that some women like more submissive men and some like something in between. SImilarly, men sometimes like a submissive woman and sometimes they like a dominant woman. I prefer being able to be soft/passive/submissive but I refuse to be abused or bullied and as a single parent it is necessary that I accept authority in my home. Still, a take charge man is the sexiest kind in my eyes. which are you : dominant , sub, or something in between? which do you prefer? I have always viewed a relationship as a mutual partnership. Both peoples doing there part to grow and live together as a team. Amen!...We spend the first part of our life "being kids" with "authority figures" who sit "above us!"...Why would anyone want to "play child" in their marriage? Or end-up playing "mom" or "dad" to their spouse? Enough already!

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Tue 10/30/12 07:14 AM
So; what are your thoughts of when men become emotional? I found I had to be the strong one when the guys were overly emotional. I hate to break it to you but just being a man doesn't make you the strong one in a relationship. I was responsible for people's lives and making the wrong decision would have caused someone's death. How can I seriously see man who has sat behind a desk as a paper pusher being in charge when he has never faced these kind of decisions? I think the difference is I am mature enough to share equally in a relationship rather than take control which I easily could due to my life experience. I didn't get those medals by being dominated. I'm not talking about you. I'm speaking generally because I believe what I'm saying is generally true. Not all men are leaders. Not all women are followers. But, in all the successful relationships I know, one partner is more dominant than the other. "Bosses" belong in the workplace. Or back in our childhood when our parents had "authority" over us!...Why would someone want to create a "boss situation" in his or her marriage?...Maybe this person just wants to "skate by" and have his/her partner do most of the "work." (Or thinking.)....Religious beliefs or "societal norms" might be an influence...Some women have been programmed to "defer" to men...And some men have been raised to be more on the "passive side" too. (The "Dagwood syndrome.")....When we get married we can play-out our earlier "programming." Or we can challenge each other to "break free" and rise above the "programming" and "set" roles and scripts that we were "handed" earlier in life.

lionsbrew Joined Tue 08/22/06 Posts: 14232	Tue 10/30/12 07:31 AM
Right being in a relationship isn't about being in charge of someone. My parents have been married for over forty years and its because they worked together not one under the other.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Tue 10/30/12 09:37 AM Edited by navygirl on Tue 10/30/12 09:40 AM
Right being in a relationship isn't about being in charge of someone. My parents have been married for over forty years and its because they worked together not one under the other. Glad to hear you say that. Means there is hope out there for good relationships.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Tue 10/30/12 09:38 AM
If it walks like a duck, flies like a duck, and quacks like a duck..... It's a duck. Why should it worry about being labeled what it clearly is??? well put we are taught ADJECTIVES to describe people and things,when we are trying to communicate an idea no 'label' is required for certain, but adjectives will be used to express an idea,,,,,or an observation,, I find the "dom" and "sub" labels or terms way out there!...The only time I've ever heard them used (before now) is in reference to porn...The term "submissive" is foreign to me because I've never been part of churches that use this word/term...And I don't claim to know very much about ducks! I see them swimming in rivers or lakes but that's about it! I agree. I believe in equal decisions as if something goes wrong; we both take equal blame. I wonder if women want men to make decisions so when something goes wrong they can blame him 100% rather than taking any responsiblity. I think this could be a hidden and unconscious motive....It's easy to sit back at a later date and say: "He did it! Not me!"...But we all have to be of legal age in order to get married. And this makes both partners responsible for choices made as a "couple." Oh; I agree but does make me wonder if it is easier to shift the blame to someone rather than taking responsibility for the mistakes. Of course; I am stating this tongue in cheek but it is something to think about.

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Wed 10/31/12 06:24 AM
Right being in a relationship isn't about being in charge of someone. My parents have been married for over forty years and its because they worked together not one under the other. Congrats to your parents! My parents were the same way. They were married for 46 years. (Until my Mom passed away.)

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Wed 10/31/12 06:24 AM Edited by GreenEyes48 on Wed 10/31/12 06:53 AM
navygirl...The terminology ("dom/sub") or even dominant or submissive just doesn't "sit well" with me...My Mom would have a "field day" with all of this kind of talk. (If she were still alive.) She'd turn it all into a "Saturday Night Live" kind of skit or satire...I agree that each spouse may take the "lead" at times based on his/her skills in each particular area. But "input" is always "allowed" and "welcomed" and nobody makes a big deal about who is the "leader" (or not) in "equaltarian" type of marriages...Everyone remains modest and humble. If someone comes up with a better idea or plan along the way no one takes "offense." Or has "ego issues" etc...All that matters is that a job "gets done" and problems get "resolved" one way or another. Don't you think?

TheCaptain Joined Wed 09/06/06 Posts: 44412	Wed 10/31/12 07:17 AM
So am I to understand that the only "good relationship" is an equal one?? Why is it so hard to believe that someone could be happy and content to be submissive in a relationship?? And if that person finds someone that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and loved, why is that Dominant person vilified??

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Wed 10/31/12 07:57 AM
So am I to understand that the only "good relationship" is an equal one?? Why is it so hard to believe that someone could be happy and content to be submissive in a relationship?? And if that person finds someone that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and loved, why is that Dominant person vilified?? People can feel safe and loved and comfortable in "equal marriages" too!...Nobody gets thrown to the wolves! Or left out in the middle of the desert to "rot away!"...There is a wonderful sense of "being in it together" and loved and supported and valued etc...When need be both spouses take turns comforting each other. And help each other get their "bearings" and strength and stamina back again after some "rough seas."...There is an ongoing closeness and friendship that never "dies-off." The bonds grow stronger and stronger with each passing year.

GreenEyes48 Joined Thu 08/26/10 Posts: 1319	Wed 10/31/12 09:04 AM
So am I to understand that the only "good relationship" is an equal one?? Why is it so hard to believe that someone could be happy and content to be submissive in a relationship?? And if that person finds someone that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and loved, why is that Dominant person vilified?? Just curious....Have you played more of a dominant role in your relationships? (For the most part?)...We're all different. My parents didn't want to follow a "prescribed formula" or "recipe" in the way they related to each other. They felt entitled to write their own "script" even way back in the 40's and 50's...My parents wanted to feel free to be who they wanted to be. (Versus being confined to "set roles.")...Anyway we all come from different backgrounds. Lucky for me I met a man who didn't want to play out "set roles" either. And we were a great "match" for each other...The "dom/sub" mentality is foreign to me. But if it makes other people happy then I say "go with it!" I think we need to find compatible mates. (So we won't end-up in divorce court over and over again.)

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Wed 10/31/12 09:19 AM
navygirl...The terminology ("dom/sub") or even dominant or submissive just doesn't "sit well" with me...My Mom would have a "field day" with all of this kind of talk. (If she were still alive.) She'd turn it all into a "Saturday Night Live" kind of skit or satire...I agree that each spouse may take the "lead" at times based on his/her skills in each particular area. But "input" is always "allowed" and "welcomed" and nobody makes a big deal about who is the "leader" (or not) in "equaltarian" type of marriages...Everyone remains modest and humble. If someone comes up with a better idea or plan along the way no one takes "offense." Or has "ego issues" etc...All that matters is that a job "gets done" and problems get "resolved" one way or another. Don't you think? Oh; I totally agree with you. I think when both in a relationship walk side by side; there is more room for growth and especially knowledge. I think the dom/sub relationships are good in the short term but eventually it stops working. The dom person gets bored with the sub person or the sub person gets tired of being ordered around like a child. It was an interesting read but I was reading articles that in these types of relationships; one of the spouses is much more likely to cheat because of the relationships being so unbalanced.

navygirl Joined Sat 06/02/07 Posts: 8118	Wed 10/31/12 09:23 AM
So am I to understand that the only "good relationship" is an equal one?? Why is it so hard to believe that someone could be happy and content to be submissive in a relationship?? And if that person finds someone that makes them feel safe, comfortable, and loved, why is that Dominant person vilified?? Just curious....Have you played more of a dominant role in your relationships? (For the most part?)...We're all different. My parents didn't want to follow a "prescribed formula" or "recipe" in the way they related to each other. They felt entitled to write their own "script" even way back in the 40's and 50's...My parents wanted to feel free to be who they wanted to be. (Versus being confined to "set roles.")...Anyway we all come from different backgrounds. Lucky for me I met a man who didn't want to play out "set roles" either. And we were a great "match" for each other...The "dom/sub" mentality is foreign to me. But if it makes other people happy then I say "go with it!" I think we need to find compatible mates. (So we won't end-up in divorce court over and over again.) Well said. To each his/her own. As I said; I would rather walk beside as an equal but that is just me.