Do you have a strong willed child or have had one? What were your coping strategies when they refuse to listen to you as a parent? I am looking for better skills to cope with the defiance

I never had to cope with it so I cannot help here. Does taking away her cell phone work or have you explained the logic to them? Teenagers do not think things through to the consequences.

Hi oldhippie :-). Taking away the cellphone is not an option. We need to communicte with each other. Explaining logic to a strong willed child does not work, they think for themselves and dispute everything.

Hi Ladywind

My children clung to me because they were afraid of losing me as they lost their mother...I think that is why they never got defiant.

My son; however, did tell his stepdad and mom if they spanked them he would call children protective services on them for abuse. Strange how children are isn't it?

I wish I could offer more help!

It is not always defiance. Occasionaly there is compliance lol. There are certainly great times. There is such a thing as ODD. It stands for obediance, defiance disorder.

I know im young but I think this is what my mum wud saynsumtyms ud have to jusyngive them space at the right times n also support them I. Thier interest its alot to do with reverse psychology like if u tell them no in something they will want to do it more but if u show some support n explain it to them in a way saying u may still fail at so n so they will consider what ur saying, sometimes they just want the attention from u even if its a negative one u shud also slowly reveal things about ur self to them not to prsonal like things u used to do or a concert u went to or something most teens just want that supportive attention remember teens is a reblious stage, I had a lecture of my mum the other day for arguing with my lil bro she sed sum of this lol jope it may help x

I have never really had any of my children outright defy me.

But there where always and still are consequences for their actions, which if needed is always carried through.

My 16 year old son is probably the one who I have the hardest time with.
However the rules in our home are that you are allowed your freedom as long as you show me you are responsible. He always has to let me know where he is. If he is going to be late he lets me know, if he steals, causes trouble, bullies anyone, or I have any complaints from the school or anyone else about his behaviour.
Then he goes from having freedom, to being treated like a 6 year old for 6 months. So far he has never stepped out of line, but at the same time, I don't nag him, as long as he does his jobs and treats me and everyone else with respect then he can pretty much do what he likes.

I believe in freedom within boundaries, my children talk about pretty much everything. If they do not think something is fair they can discuss it with me, however after we discuss it, if I am wrong then it's changed if I am not then they do what they are told.

Their is NEVER ever allowed to be arguing with MUM, they can talk to me and tell me I am wrong, they are young adults so an opinion is a good thing, but they have to learn that if they argue then they will face some sort of punishment because of their actions.

Anyway it has seemed to work with my 6 children, and they range from 12 to 22, let them know that you care, that you are fair but that you are still the boss.

Thanks you two. Josie, it is the refusal to listen when I correct behaviour.and arguing back. What punishments do you advise if that is not too personal?

How old and what sex, they all react so diffently, Do they have a light personality or do they tend to withdraw into themselves.

My step daughter was VERY defiant. she knew i loved her and welcomed her into my home and heart unconditionally. But she was very strong willed. I just let her know that every action had a consequence. for example.. one night about 10:15 she announced she was leaving for a "walk". Her father told her not alone at 10:15, especially on school night. we both felt she was wanting to meet someone. so she continued to get her shoes on and head for the door. So I told her if she insisted on leaving, then she'd best have a plan for another place to stay because once she left the door was locked. I explained we both had to work in the morning and was not going to be kept awake by her going in and out. she said she had no other place to go. I said, well thats your choice. When you leave, the door is locked. she never left.

Another time she got angry and punched a hole in my wall. Then had a fit a few days later because her friends were coming over and she didnt want them to see it. I said "Well, I dont have the money to fix it. do you?" Well she didnt right then. and not only did her friends see it, they were told the truth on what happened when they asked. She was very embarrassed and ashamed. She was told she was going to do extra chores to earn money above and over her allowance. Both allowance and extra money was going to be put towards materials so SHE could fix the whole. she never punched another hole in my wall

13 and female :-)

13 is a hard age, it's right when they start to think they are grown enough to make their own decisions.
I found it was best to let them as long as we talked about it first and as long as they where not putting themselves into danger.
Do Not Argue, ever, if she tries to argue with you, then just let her know that you will speak to her when she is ready to listen like an adult. They want to be seen as adults, but she needs to realise that if she wants to be treated like an adult she neds to act like one. That means discussing not arguing.
Don't punish in any way that you wont be able to carry out. Whatever you decide to do make sure that you can follow through, my children where easy as they have never said no when they where told to do something, or to not do something, Normally for me punishment is cleaning or missing out on something that is important to them.

Also a reward system is always good. If she can go for a few days without arguing with her, reward her. Tell her how happy you are that she has listened to you and let her go to the movies or somewhere with her friends, or have a friend over.

The thing is you know your daughter better than anyone, so only you will be able to decide what may work..

I wish they handed out instruction books with every child.

Thanks again. Good advice. None of it works. I have tried it all.

You could always vidoe her and run it back to show her what she sounds like.

Have I ever! I feel your pain! I wasn't sure I was gonna make it through my son's teenage years. He turns 20 next week and is on his own now. Sometimes being a strong willed child helps the kid in the long run though. Just gotta wait for the dividends, and make sure to positively influence what they are strong willed about.



Set clear concise boundaries. "Dinner is at 6:00 sharp. Be at the table or don't eat.", "Curfew on school nights is 9:00" Consequences need to be known for misbehavior ahead of time and then stick to your guns when it comes to enforcing them, without arguing about it. You can put it in writing even and both sign to solidify a commitment to live within the rules. Defiant teens are actually asking for more structure although that seems counterintuitive.

Give acceptable choices for appropriate behavior all the time, but especially after encountering unacceptable behavior. Try to state as calmly as possible that you saw how your child was feeling, "I see that you're extremely mad..." This shows them that you understand their emotions and helps them become aware of their defiant behaviors.

"...But screaming at me is unacceptable. You could have either talked to me like an adult about this, or you could have gone in your room and screamed into your pillow. Since you decided to scream at me, you need to go to your room for a half hour. Check the contract!"

Reward good behaviors with a very high amount of praise. Set goals that are attainable for your child to earn priveleges. "If we continue to not argue the rest of this week, you can go out with your friends Friday night. I'm proud of you for keeping your cool when I asked you to clean your room before you went shopping. Good choice!"

One warning...things will probably get worse before they get better, but if you are consistent and firm in your resolve, it won't take long before things get easier and the defiance lessens. It won't ever go completely away, no kids are obedient 100% of the time, you wouldn't want them to be, but these tips may help you gain a little control over the situation. Hope the advice helps. Good luck.

When all else failed, I coped with a stiff drink or twelve!

I have always felt like with this child I am working against gravity. She makes everything so hard, when it does not have to be. You cannot train the untrainable. I want to run away from home and I am the parent lol.

Dr. Alan Kazdin of Yale University Parenting Center and Child Conduct Clinic offers 10 tips for dealing with defiant children.

All of the following tips are based on this simple principle: Attention to bad behavior increases bad behavior (yelling, lecturing, scolding, spanking and punishing are all forms of negative attention), while attention to good behavior increases good behavior.

1) Notice good behavior and give attention to it. Anything you see that you want to happen more often -- let the child know you like it. Say, "You guys are doing so well playing together today! That's great!" Then go over and touch the child affectionately or give a high five. This will help make it happen more often.

2) Positive attention to good behavior can be a smile, a touch or praise -- or all three -- but do it right away and be specific about what it was the child did right every time. "Great job taking your dishes to the sink!" works better than "Great job!"

3) Instead of saying "stop" or "don't" when you see bad behavior, find the "positive opposite": Figure out what you do want the child to do instead. So "Don't leave your socks on the floor" becomes "Please put your socks in the hamper." If they comply, remember to praise them! "Wow, you did what I asked! You put your socks in the hamper!" You will have to say "stop" and "don't" once in a while -- that's normal -- but you will have to say it much less if you are praising the positive opposite.
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Dr. Alan Kazdin heads up the Yale University... View Full Caption

4) Enthusiasm counts. Let them see how thrilled you are with their good behavior!

5) Start a reward system for a child who rarely does what you ask, but make a game of it. When you are both calm, tell him it is a game and practice giving a pretend request like "Please go to bed." Then give him praise and a point when he goes the first time you ask him to. If he doesn't do what you ask the first time, say, "I can see you're not ready to do it right now, you don't earn a point right now, but we'll try again later." And they don't earn a point. If the child then turns around after you've said that and does what you asked, then praise her effusively, but don't give her a point. You want to get the child used to doing what you ask on the first try. The key is practice and role play. Give him a reward point for doing a successful pretend. Show him the rewards he can earn by doing what you ask right away without complaint. Rewards can be anything a child really wants, and don't always cost money. Maybe they get an extra story at bedtime or get to go shopping with mom.

6) Give an instruction only once. Don't foster greater disobedience by giving it a lot of attention. If you focus on their defiance, it will actually increase.

7) Learn to ignore -- or actually walk away -- from annoying behavior. When you stop giving attention to annoying behavior, there's nothing in it for the child. When you first start doing it, your child may actually throw even more tantrums -- because they're upset that their usual way of getting what they want isn't working. Eventually they will see that it doesn't work anymore.

8) Your goal in a tantrum is to get past it. Stay calm yourself and your child will calm down faster.

9) When you must punish, make it a brief and don't delay it. Don't add punishment if the child complains. If they can't or won't do time out, take away a toy or privilege for a specified time. Longer and harsher punishment doesn't make it more effective.

10) Above all, put tip No. 1 into practice. Ideally, you should be praising your child's behavior 90 percent of the time and punishing only 10 percent of the time. Notice your child's good behavior and give it positive attention. They will do more of it. Change your behavior and your child will change theirs!

Thank you slowhand. I went to the library and took out books on raising teenagers. I am going to have to learn better parenting skills. My daughter and I will be ok, we have love as our strong foundation. We both need to learn new skills.

I'd look at it from an educator's point of view. Some Kids sometimes have the tendency to be somewhat rebellious or outright independent in their ways of doing things! But it certainly doesn't happen overnight, it usually is a cumulative behavioural trait that is acquired due to inadequate communication between the child and the parents!
Many parents view parenting as a regimental kind of process where their words are final! They don't ever believe the kids ought to have ANY input in their own lives especially in the early stages! Products of such homes could be submissive when they are still small and weak, but as times goes on, they tend to acquire silent defiant behaviour towards the parents! And as they grow into teens, there is always a tendency to intentionally disobey simple instructions for no just reasons other than just to prove they are coming of age and can do things their own way!
My only advice will be that parents learn to create and maintain an effective communication channel between themselves and their wards! Even when you want them to obey instructions they aren't much keen about, try ur best to explain things in ways suitable for their level of development. It requires lots of patience, practice, and maturity! But it pays in the end by saving you the problem of a disjointed communication channel with your kids!

Great advise. Thanks. You do have to change with them and keep learning and growing.