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| Topic: When somebody is going through a rough time do you let them | |
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I always try my best to help someone, and offer a hand in friendship. If I find, however, they are continuing to find problems to dwell on, then I usually go deaf lol.
Seriously, there is nothing wrong with letting someone you care about know that you are there for them, I find that characteristic very appealing in a person. I often talk to a male friend of mine, who I never met, but we became friends on another dating web site. We do our best to help each other. It's always good to help, you never know when the shoe is on the other foot. |
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BettyB...I'm so sorry your husband had brain tumors too. My son just started the "mood swings" recently and it's been rough..I try to keep things in perspective the best I can. Good that he still has "normal moments" too. (For now anyway.).. I'm so sorry about your husband and all you both went through. Thanks for writing! Glad we "met" here! His cancer metastasized from the lung to the brain. We did not know that at the time though. Since he was never a pouter or one to give the "silent treatment" I could not understand why he wasn't talking to me.Finally after three days he told me it was about the can. He himself could not understand why he got so upset. To this day when people act differently I worry about them. It left its toll for sure. |
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When people become totally emerged in self-pity they walk around with a lot of anger inside of them. (At least this is how it seems to me anyway.)...Anger is one of the stages we have to go through during the "grief process." But if we get stuck in anger and self-pity we can create "hell on earth" for ourselves. (And "hell" for the people around us!) This is how I feel anyway...Some people sure seem to cling to their anger and self-pity for "dear life!" And they get mad (and furious) if they think someone is trying to "cheer them up!" They've lost the ability to put things in perspective...Right after my husband died I called my 2 best friends. (One friend is my cousin.) I knew they would "feel" for me and comfort me and "shower" me with love...But I also knew that we'd find something to laugh about (too) by the end of our long conversations...They helped me see that I still "existed" in my own "right" even though my husband was gone. I still had a "self" and things to "say" and a sense of humor despite my "huge loss!".. Of course I still had tons of tears left to cry and all kinds of feelings to "work-through" during the long "grief process." But I had the "power" to "rescue myself" from the "depths of despair" before things got too "bad!".. I didn't want to become totally emerged in anger and self-pity and ruin my life. (I know my husband wouldn't want me to do this either!) Sorry to go on and on! Don't aplogize, you have nothing to aplogize for. Sometimes just talking or writing about things really helps. On July 28th was my husband was gone 16 years. I spent most of the day on here posting and making no sense at all..I mean more than usual!I noticed some of my posts sounded a bit bitter, but again misplaced anger. But people on here just took in stride and didn't judge me, even though they had no idea it was his anniversary. Thats the good thing about M2 you can ramble on and on and nobody cares  Or they just ignore you,people do that too me a lot...even in real life.....or they just tell me to stop talking so much, LOL Seriously though, sorry to hear of your sadness. I can't say I know how you feel, because I've never had that. Hope you are doing ok 
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Jeff you are areally good listener...I know that first hand , and sometimes listening is fixing because thats what a person needs sometimes. Sometimes listening can help a person to somehow see their problem in a new light. I try to be a good listener and if someone asks for feedback, I will give it to them. Only if they ask first. I try and do that too, just let them know if they need me I will be there. Other than that there isn't much more I can do. |
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when s0meb0dy is having a hard times, we can sh0w our sympathy, but there's one better, its the empathy , symphaty is just y0u're sh0wing u care with his feelings,but u realy d0nt kn0w what does he feel, while empathy is y0u're putting y0urself into his sh0es thats why u the care is much felt by him I heard that compassion is feeling their pain in your own heart. When someone is hurting making them feel understood is the best thing you can do. |
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I have always been told that when somebody is ill or going through a bad time ,that you can never go wrong by letting them know you care and will be there for them. However it has been my experience lately that it isn't always true, that showing you care and reaching out can be misconstrued as something else. What are your thoughts on this? I think some people, going thru a hard time, confuse their feelings. I think under normal circumstances, that people see it for what it is, but when things are hard or stressful, they pick up on things that aren't really there. That makes sense .Something like when somebody dies there often is misplaced anger toward somebody else. transference, I think it's called I know that feeling well myself...I have both given it and recieved it. At the time though I didn't know what the heck was going on. |
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When people become totally emerged in self-pity they walk around with a lot of anger inside of them. (At least this is how it seems to me anyway.)...Anger is one of the stages we have to go through during the "grief process." But if we get stuck in anger and self-pity we can create "hell on earth" for ourselves. (And "hell" for the people around us!) This is how I feel anyway...Some people sure seem to cling to their anger and self-pity for "dear life!" And they get mad (and furious) if they think someone is trying to "cheer them up!" They've lost the ability to put things in perspective...Right after my husband died I called my 2 best friends. (One friend is my cousin.) I knew they would "feel" for me and comfort me and "shower" me with love...But I also knew that we'd find something to laugh about (too) by the end of our long conversations...They helped me see that I still "existed" in my own "right" even though my husband was gone. I still had a "self" and things to "say" and a sense of humor despite my "huge loss!".. Of course I still had tons of tears left to cry and all kinds of feelings to "work-through" during the long "grief process." But I had the "power" to "rescue myself" from the "depths of despair" before things got too "bad!".. I didn't want to become totally emerged in anger and self-pity and ruin my life. (I know my husband wouldn't want me to do this either!) Sorry to go on and on! Don't aplogize, you have nothing to aplogize for. Sometimes just talking or writing about things really helps. On July 28th was my husband was gone 16 years. I spent most of the day on here posting and making no sense at all..I mean more than usual!I noticed some of my posts sounded a bit bitter, but again misplaced anger. But people on here just took in stride and didn't judge me, even though they had no idea it was his anniversary. Thats the good thing about M2 you can ramble on and on and nobody cares Or they just ignore you,people do that too me a lot...even in real life.....or they just tell me to stop talking so much, LOL Seriously though, sorry to hear of your sadness. I can't say I know how you feel, because I've never had that. Hope you are doing ok I am thank you Just allow myself to get sad on that day and New years eve...just cause I hate New years lol
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I always try my best to help someone, and offer a hand in friendship. If I find, however, they are continuing to find problems to dwell on, then I usually go deaf lol. Seriously, there is nothing wrong with letting someone you care about know that you are there for them, I find that characteristic very appealing in a person. I often talk to a male friend of mine, who I never met, but we became friends on another dating web site. We do our best to help each other. It's always good to help, you never know when the shoe is on the other foot. Yeah...I still think if you feel are truly feeling somebodies pain letting them know you are thinking about them is not a bad thing.If they take it as something else then they have the problem, notyou.. |
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This is such a friendly place and I feel "at home" here. Thanks so much...I guess I probably write to "stay sane" and avoid "cracking-up!" Thanks for putting-up with me!...Anniversary dates can be hard. My husband's birthday was in early July. (We always celebrated his birthday on the 4th of July.) And the 2nd anniversary date of his death was last week...All of this "hit me" more this year due to my worries about my son and his condition...I really didn't have much time to recover from losing my husband because my son started having problems shortly after his death...And I didn't have my husband to "lean-on" for support or really anyone on a regular basis. I've had to "play soldier" and keep a "stiff upper lip" in order to stay strong and keep on "going" no matter what!
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Two years is still so fresh. Thing I will NEVER say to anyone because I think it is so stupid, is Move on,Get over it, let it go.
This applies to anyone that lost a loved one either through divorce or even a break up. People grieve at different times and in their own way. People feel things differently as well. Nobody wants to feel the way they do ,so how is it helping them by telling them to move on? They would if they could. All they are really saying is I gave you my 5 mins. of trying to be there for you now I am done. Of course some people are naturally whiners and complainers, those are not the type I am talking about. I am talking about the ones who have been truly broken and are having trouble getting back up. It might take them a month a year or twenty years..who am I to judge?Thats why I won't ever say those idiotic words. |
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BettyB...I can relate to worrying about people when they seem to act differently all of a sudden. Sorry your husband's cancer spread into his brain..My husband had pancreatic cancer.
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BettyB...I can relate to worrying about people when they seem to act differently all of a sudden. Sorry your husband's cancer spread into his brain..My husband had pancreatic cancer. Yeah you don't know if they are sick or just being an A--hole. |
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I have always been told that when somebody is ill or going through a bad time ,that you can never go wrong by letting them know you care and will be there for them. However it has been my experience lately that it isn't always true, that showing you care and reaching out can be misconstrued as something else. What are your thoughts on this? Hun, if your intent is pure, you simply cannot second-guess what the other's reaction might be. You have done your part. Their response is in their court. See thats what I mean.."if your intent was pure" It had no ulterior motives behind it at all.Just felt genuinely bad for the people I felt were in pain. This happened to me a few times with different people , where they read something into my reaching out to them in their time of need as something that it wasn't. I don't know maybe its the way I word things. I know what my heart feels though, and I feel sincere compassion for people. Maybe if there thinking your wanting more cause your kindness maybe think of a line to say when talk to them ...example...everyoneneeds someone to talk to and im not loking for anythign i just like being helpful if i can....then if they take it more thats them not you,,,,I give u alot of credit is ncie your a good guy to help others and care ..  |
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I have always been told that when somebody is ill or going through a bad time ,that you can never go wrong by letting them know you care and will be there for them. However it has been my experience lately that it isn't always true, that showing you care and reaching out can be misconstrued as something else. What are your thoughts on this? Hun, if your intent is pure, you simply cannot second-guess what the other's reaction might be. You have done your part. Their response is in their court. See thats what I mean.."if your intent was pure" It had no ulterior motives behind it at all.Just felt genuinely bad for the people I felt were in pain. This happened to me a few times with different people , where they read something into my reaching out to them in their time of need as something that it wasn't. I don't know maybe its the way I word things. I know what my heart feels though, and I feel sincere compassion for people. Maybe if there thinking your wanting more cause your kindness maybe think of a line to say when talk to them ...example...everyoneneeds someone to talk to and im not loking for anythign i just like being helpful if i can....then if they take it more thats them not you,,,,I give u alot of credit is ncie your a good guy to help others and care .. that is a very good idea. Thank you. I will try that next time if need be.
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