..And now I have to figure out if this is something I want to address or not. Part of me says "Yes, you want someone in your life," and the other part says, "You know what happens when you start getting close to somebody."..

So, yesterday my new book was published. My eighth one. Kind of a big deal for me, because it's the last book in a sci-fi series I've been doing since 2008.

And I was sitting here yesterday, just thumbing through the proof copy, basking a little in the feeling of "I did this" whenever one of my books comes out, and I realized something a little disconcerting.

There was no one to share it with.

When my first one came out, in 2008, I was in a relationship with someone I truly loved -- someone I still truly love, and probably always will. The only girlfriend I ever had who actually "got it." She was (and is) so much more intelligent than I'll ever be, so much more creative -- she did the covers and all of the page formatting on the first two books -- and it meant a lot to me that, not only did she help me achieve a dream, but she was also the model for the main female character in the book.

To this day, I still haven't got a clue about why that relationship ended.

But that's not really the point.

The point is that, yesterday, I realized there was no one I could go to, no one I could call, no one I could mention my book to. Sure, I posted some stuff on Facebook, but that's not the same as talking to a real person, that's not the same as sharing a moment with someone in real life.

And I thought about that for awhile, and I realized that I had made a lot of bad choices in the past, bad choices about who to get mixed up with and who not to get mixed up with, and I saw some of my old mistakes (both ways) a lot more clearly.

And now I have to figure out if this is something I want to address or not. Part of me says "Yes, you want someone in your life," and the other part says, "You know what happens when you start getting close to somebody."

Dilemmas are never simple. That's why they call them dilemmas.

I can really relate to this one.

Yea it sucks being alone when things are tough; Lord knows been times I wish I had a shoulder to lean on but the really sucky part of being alone is not being able to share the good stuff.

It doesn't discount you joy to share it .

I am sure there are choices we all make that contribute to our lonliness but sometimes we may not know so I try not to rake myself over the coals when there are so many other pains in the neck that will be glad to do it for you.

Loneliness is a state of mind. Being alone is a state of being.

I have come to the conclusion that like all other states of being or states of mind, we(some of us humans) choose to isolate either consciously or subconsciously to allow the mind to work through some issues it hasn't or didn't because of a busy time/stressful time/etc... in life.

It sounds like you are working through them in this state of being alone.

If like me, which is most unlikely by the way, you will re-prioritize and reinsert yourself back into the social setting slowly in a better state of mind allowing for an even more fulfilling experience this go round.

But remembering to whom I am writing this, pessimist extraordinaire, maybe you will have a whole nuther result that I have no way of seeing because of my perspective.

I just hope you do not dwell on the negative but look for the positive in the situation.

You just saved a barrel of therapy bucks.
It's the Life lottery.
You can't win if you don't enter.
You could win if you do.
So, the question is, how much effort
to put into buying a ticket.

Which way are you leaning?

You just saved a barrel of therapy bucks.
It's the Life lottery.
You can't win if you don't enter.
You could win if you do.
So, the question is, how much effort
to put into buying a ticket.

Which way are you leaning?

I understand completely Lex. My ex husband was my very best friend. He was the only one with a broader base of knowledge than me on most subjects. We have a million inside jokes. We will always love each other but we got married too young and our interests went in different directions. We were often told that we were love incarnate, etc. When you see us together, you would assume by the way we banter we are still married. But as he says no one can talk me down from a tree faster or drive me up one quicker. We squabble like Marcia and Jan Brady. I put him through college and he put me through college. People think it's odd that he encourages me to take things very slow with boyfriends and that he would rather pay me alimony the rest of my life than see me in a bad relationship. But I built his empire. I was the wizard behind the curtain. I was the one who magically refilled the sock and underwear drawers, etc. and all but knew the SKUs on his favorite clothes. Now that he is successful he trusts very few women not to be after his money but I was there when he was a guy just barely graduated with a 4 year degree, driving a beater car and living with his parents so he trusts me and loves me. Just sometimes no matter how much love there is, you can't live under the same roof. I often when I accomplish something feel lonely that when I reach the top of something and look down for him, he is not there saying "Good job, honey". At least you can still write. I write nothing but bitter poetry since the divorce. I do not even try to get published.

I think a lot of us are in that very same place.

Since my Rick died, I am trying to keep going forward. It is a loss still the same. But everything I do, I want to come home and tell him. Tell him about school, talk to him about what his boys are doing, and laugh about how when we moved in to this house we had to battle 2 feet of snow and now a year later it is in the 70's and sunshining. Every minute of every day the thing I miss most is having someone here, not on the phone, not on the net, here that I can confide in, laugh with and just talk to and share our day with each other. God I hate it being single.

And before I forget, congrats on finishing the new book.

No one else is asking....I will ask...

Where was this book release?

If it is in your living room...you gotta invite people.

If it is at a book store...you gotta invite people.

If it is at a movie theatre...you gotta invite people.....

Otherwise we don't even know it exists.

I love ya Lex. I even like ya. But, if you ain't even gonna throw out the bait and b!tch that the fish ain't biting...my hands are tied.

IF YOU GOT A BOOK ABOUT TO HIT THE SHELVES AND YOU DON"T TELL US......how the f**k are we supposed to look for it?

C'mon man! I would drop a few bucks on a book....I may even show up for an autograph....but, if I got nothing but after the fact lamentations of a slow debut....I can't do anything about that.

Get a goddamned signing release....I will show.

(This is suppossed to be positive encouragement)