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| Topic: Separation, divorce and how to heal | |
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I'm currently separated from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and although he was a jerk (understatement, really) I still find myself missing him during the night. I don't know why, he wasn't very loving or affectionate.. It's just hard. Is anyone else going through this? Do you have any tips for me? I am currently going through this, me and my ex separated only weeks ago. Normally moving on would be easier, but since we have children we are always in contact and seeing each other. She has issues staying faithful and is already seeing someone else, well she has been seeing him for months. I fail and we end up being intimate, and that makes things worse but I feel like crap with out those moments of happiness. we don't choose who we love and even though a person can be a bad partner and parent does not me we love them less. It ok to have feelings for them and you seem to know whats best for you. Things will get easier with time and there will always be memories of those good times that that bring up unwanted feelings. just know that where you are is better then where you were, and work on making you and you're kids happy. I'm sorry that she has that hold over you still, but even though I miss my ex, and you miss your's, doesn't mean we stoop to their level and give in. It's painful and lonely, but there are brighter things to life. You have your kids. Hold onto them like I hold onto my son. Be happy you're not homeless, or experienced anything worse. My husband cheated on me the last year of our marriage but since we had a child, I wanted things to work out for our son. Things escalated into violence and again, here I am: sitting at the table with all sorts of legal work to file. It hurts, and it probably will for a while, but we have to stay positive. You sound like a very strong women with a good head on her shoulders, things will be brighter and you're right it's the kids that are important, took a long time to realize that being together for them was not best for them. We made a good move by coming here though, as we do deserve to find our happiness. I hope you and your kids find happiness again. You are a very sweet guy. It doesn't make a person weak to cave in, I almost did in the beginning. It makes a person passionate and alive; full of feelings and the ability to forgive someone. It takes a lot to forgive someone whose done something that horrible to you and your family. I don't blame myself for anything, because I know I did nothing to inspire my ex to cheat, and neither did you. |
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. . . I still find myself missing him during the night. . . amaeb22, what you are feeling is similar what I felt after my wife died. You sense an emptiness in your life, and it hurts. The healing process takes time. It helps if you can express your feelings in a safe setting. That is why I started visiting Mingle2. There are a lot of negative emotions between my ex and I, though. He has already moved on and it's only been one month. We're not even legally divorced yet. I can't say I'm any better, I joined this site. Sigh. We became the opposite of what we both wanted in the end. For what it's worth, I went through a divorce before I met my late wife. Thankfully, my ex and I didn't have a child together. The difference between a loss through divorce and a loss through death is that, when the loss is due to a divorce, you feel as if you are somehow a failure. The reality doesn't necessarily match the feeling, but the feeling is strong. At night, when you lie alone in bed, you begin playing the "If only . . ." game, and you yearn for someone to hold you. |
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gAYL5H46QnQ
watch this and you will feel better. throw your ex on the GROUNDDDDD |
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. . . I still find myself missing him during the night. . . amaeb22, what you are feeling is similar what I felt after my wife died. You sense an emptiness in your life, and it hurts. The healing process takes time. It helps if you can express your feelings in a safe setting. That is why I started visiting Mingle2. There are a lot of negative emotions between my ex and I, though. He has already moved on and it's only been one month. We're not even legally divorced yet. I can't say I'm any better, I joined this site. Sigh. We became the opposite of what we both wanted in the end. For what it's worth, I went through a divorce before I met my late wife. Thankfully, my ex and I didn't have a child together. The difference between a loss through divorce and a loss through death is that, when the loss is due to a divorce, you feel as if you are somehow a failure. The reality doesn't necessarily match the feeling, but the feeling is strong. At night, when you lie alone in bed, you begin playing the "If only . . ." game, and you yearn for someone to hold you. It's really hard. All of that is true. However I stopped playing the if only game and woke up from my denial. He was not a good person, nor a good husband or a good father. I just hate how he moved on so quickly, like he doesn't even mourn the loss of me. I know it sounds conceited, and I wouldn't wish anyone sadness, but I was his first relationship and marriage. Shouldn't that mean something? |
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amaeb22,
Do you have another person's shoulder to cry on? You are the same age as my daughter. If you were her, then I'd be holding you as often as possible. |
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He was not a good person, nor a good husband or a good father. I just hate how he moved on so quickly, like he doesn't even mourn the loss of me. I know it sounds conceited, and I wouldn't wish anyone sadness, but I was his first relationship and marriage. Shouldn't that mean something? If your soon-to-be-ex has another woman in his life, then he isn't going to feel the same loss that you feel. The harsh reality is that a man can have a strong sexual attachment to a woman without having a strong emotional attachment. All too often, a man will tell a woman that he will love her if she gives him sex (with or without marriage). A woman will give a man sex, hoping that he will give her love in return. Sadly, the situation doesn't always improve with marriage and child birth. I have a prima (female cousin) who was shocked when her husband left her for another woman right after my prima gave birth. |
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He was not a good person, nor a good husband or a good father. I just hate how he moved on so quickly, like he doesn't even mourn the loss of me. I know it sounds conceited, and I wouldn't wish anyone sadness, but I was his first relationship and marriage. Shouldn't that mean something? If your soon-to-be-ex has another woman in his life, then he isn't going to feel the same loss that you feel. The harsh reality is that a man can have a strong sexual attachment to a woman without having a strong emotional attachment. All too often, a man will tell a woman that he will love her if she gives him sex (with or without marriage). A woman will give a man sex, hoping that he will give her love in return. Sadly, the situation doesn't always improve with marriage and child birth. I have a prima (female cousin) who was shocked when her husband left her for another woman right after my prima gave birth. Um, not really. I mean I have a strong support group of close friends, but I feel like I bring a cloud of negativity wherever I go. Sigh. I know men can be like that, but we were together for 2 years before we had a child. He was perfect even after we first had sex. It started to get worse when our son was born (I love my child, but my husband changed in such a bad way). |
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It started to get worse when our son was born (I love my child, but my husband changed in such a bad way). Why did I know that before you said it? I am only guessing, but I suspect that your son's father doesn't value marriage and parenthood as much as you do. In my case, the birth of my son made my marriage more satisfying. Then again, my wife and I had our lives built on a solid foundation, not on sand. amaeb22, my heart aches for you. |
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It started to get worse when our son was born (I love my child, but my husband changed in such a bad way). Why did I know that before you said it? I am only guessing, but I suspect that your son's father doesn't value marriage and parenthood as much as you do. In my case, the birth of my son made my marriage more satisfying. Then again, my wife and I had our lives built on a solid foundation, not on sand. amaeb22, my heart aches for you. Not as much as he valued his single life. He preferred video games, spending recklessly and technology over his son and I. My heart aches too, and it shouldn't, haha. I know I'm better off without him, and so is my son. |
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Man I remember the night my ex wife asked for a seperation. I went out, ran 5 miles naked, did some cow tipping naked (Ok...I don't recommend this), and then prayed at church (Was I naked??? I'll never tell). Anywho....point is....I was miserable.
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Holding my son. he fell asleep on me.
Nothing helps you heal faster then you're children. |
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My heart aches too, and it shouldn't . . . Yes, it should. You have a deep emotional wound. It's OK for you to have a heartache. It is still OK for you to cry if you feel like doing so. In order to have healing, you have to go through the complete grieving process. You don't have to "cry" in public, but you need to permit yourself to have the unpleasant feelings. |
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I'm currently separated from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and although he was a jerk (understatement, really) I still find myself missing him during the night. I don't know why, he wasn't very loving or affectionate.. It's just hard. Is anyone else going through this? Do you have any tips for me? You're thinking of the semi-good times that kept you with him. Don't. It may be hard but in time you will learn to let go of him. Let go completely of the people who give you overall bad memories. Surround yourself with positive people, that's the only way to survive this feeling. |
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I'm currently separated from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and although he was a jerk (understatement, really) I still find myself missing him during the night. I don't know why, he wasn't very loving or affectionate.. It's just hard. Is anyone else going through this? Do you have any tips for me? You're thinking of the semi-good times that kept you with him. Don't. It may be hard but in time you will learn to let go of him. Let go completely of the people who give you overall bad memories. Surround yourself with positive people, that's the only way to survive this feeling. That's my girl! Good advice, hun.   
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I'm currently separated from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and although he was a jerk (understatement, really) I still find myself missing him during the night. I don't know why, he wasn't very loving or affectionate.. It's just hard. Is anyone else going through this? Do you have any tips for me? You're thinking of the semi-good times that kept you with him. Don't. It may be hard but in time you will learn to let go of him. Let go completely of the people who give you overall bad memories. Surround yourself with positive people, that's the only way to survive this feeling. That's my girl! Good advice, hun. You made the right choice with me |
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I'm currently separated from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and although he was a jerk (understatement, really) I still find myself missing him during the night. I don't know why, he wasn't very loving or affectionate.. It's just hard. Is anyone else going through this? Do you have any tips for me? You're thinking of the semi-good times that kept you with him. Don't. It may be hard but in time you will learn to let go of him. Let go completely of the people who give you overall bad memories. Surround yourself with positive people, that's the only way to survive this feeling. That's my girl! Good advice, hun. You made the right choice with me Thank you. :) I will try harder, but also let myself grieve over him, even if he was a complete jerk. |
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beat him with a stick. a really long stick. you will feel better. that was poetic a really really REALLY big stick. I must emphasize the stick that must be used in this beating. then. you should take that stick and insert it up *censored* =) my penguins are coming after u heh heh |
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It started to get worse when our son was born (I love my child, but my husband changed in such a bad way). Why did I know that before you said it? I am only guessing, but I suspect that your son's father doesn't value marriage and parenthood as much as you do. In my case, the birth of my son made my marriage more satisfying. Then again, my wife and I had our lives built on a solid foundation, not on sand. amaeb22, my heart aches for you. Not as much as he valued his single life. He preferred video games, spending recklessly and technology over his son and I. My heart aches too, and it shouldn't, haha. I know I'm better off without him, and so is my son. it sounds like he is pretty immature u might be better off without him just make sure he shares in the responsibility of your child - hopefully he will understand that much he sounds like a douche quite honestly |
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Edited by
msharmony
on
Fri 02/10/12 07:28 AM
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He was not a good person, nor a good husband or a good father. I just hate how he moved on so quickly, like he doesn't even mourn the loss of me. I know it sounds conceited, and I wouldn't wish anyone sadness, but I was his first relationship and marriage. Shouldn't that mean something? If your soon-to-be-ex has another woman in his life, then he isn't going to feel the same loss that you feel. The harsh reality is that a man can have a strong sexual attachment to a woman without having a strong emotional attachment. All too often, a man will tell a woman that he will love her if she gives him sex (with or without marriage). A woman will give a man sex, hoping that he will give her love in return. Sadly, the situation doesn't always improve with marriage and child birth. I have a prima (female cousin) who was shocked when her husband left her for another woman right after my prima gave birth. not just men I have moved on emotionally fairly quickly in any case where such a split occurred in my life, usually because it was my choice and I was truly 'ready' for it to be over before I made it,,,, most times people separate, you can be sure they werent living in the same marriage its hard hitting news to one sometimes while its a complete relief to the other because they were focused on different goals and expectations from the relationship the best thing is to spend time learning to really enjoy being with yourself and being good to yourself, you will find it will keep you from settling for less than that when it comes to future partners good luck
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I'm currently separated from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, and although he was a jerk (understatement, really) I still find myself missing him during the night. I don't know why, he wasn't very loving or affectionate.. It's just hard. Is anyone else going through this? Do you have any tips for me? You're thinking of the semi-good times that kept you with him. Don't. It may be hard but in time you will learn to let go of him. Let go completely of the people who give you overall bad memories. Surround yourself with positive people, that's the only way to survive this feeling. That's my girl! Good advice, hun. You made the right choice with me Thank you. :) I will try harder, but also let myself grieve over him, even if he was a complete jerk. We're all young. When something like this happens, we think its over in some way, we can't move past it. I don't like to live in the past so much. We've all come across jerks, even women can be jerks. You were with him for a while so all this is still so new, its naturally to long for the good times. But what's great about starting over sometimes is the clean slate. You know what you want a little bit now and coming out of the other side, you learned to hold on to yourself in all of it. Its pretty amazing even though a piece of us dies, we don't. Its definitely all how we make of it. You're gonna think about him, hell I do that with certain people who meant a lot to me, you're gonna hold onto the positive image he gave you but he is not your life anymore. The better off you'll be the more you accept that. |
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