Long term relationship takes place, and then comes marriage. You know? True love? Things are reasonably fine, then later down the line the female isn't the same girl she once was. She starts hiding things, is emotionally detached, mostly a sullen bish to the guy just trying to love her.

They fight verbally and assuming it gets pretty heated because he grows jealous of her secret life.

Then comes the whammy. She's pregnant. They are married. That happens right? Well, turns out this girl has no clue how to be a mother from the start. The male is in a bind now. He is family-determined individual and doesn't believe in divorce or nasty breakups for fear of alienating the unborn child from having a mother present in their lives. This makes future decisions hard for him.

Well, she has the baby, is still a slovenly prospect, hardly there for the child. Most of the time a family babysitter (let's say the neighbor) comes to care for the infant, little known to the father, but he finds out eventually. So...he is forced to get a divorce because he knows being married to her was wrong from the start. All the lies and little secrets finally add up and he just couldn't take the person she is anymore.

Now, newly divorced, the guy still thinks even though his marriage to this girl didn't work out, their child should STILL have her around because he believes one of these days, she'll leave the guy she cheated on her husband with and finally get her schitt together. You know, finally be the girl he fell for growing up, the image he saw of her when they were newlyweds. He's stuck and its constantly gnawing at him. He is a great father despite all the drama, but the situation begs him to make a choice, regardless of if he's "set" on his final decision or not.

So, what should happen? Should this guy really take his child away from this woman just because of her unmotherly shortcomings? What would you say he should do?

he should apply for full custody, with the mother having visitation when the child and her are ready to be together. He isnt leaving the responsibility up to her, so is giving his child a chance at a stable life with the knowledge that her father did everthing he could to keep her safe, and give her a relationship with her mother for later on if she needs it. in my opinion.

No! Unless the mother is actually abusive in some way to the child, let them have their relationship. Children are apt to think this sort of thing is their fault. If there's going to be a break in the relationship between mother and child, let it come from one of them, not from a third party.

Plus, the father should go all out NOT to criticize the mother to the child. This does nothing but poison everything. I divorced my husband when my daughter was very young, and even though I couldn't stand the sight, sound, or letters from him, I made sure not to dump that on her. When in her own time she became frustrated and angry at his inadequacies, I did not encourage her in daddy-hating but told her that, to the best of his ability, I knew he loved her but that he did have problems.

The child's entire life can be poisoned by setting her against a parent when there's no need for it. I don't care how "slovenly" the mother was. Children need to be attached to their parents. Don't detach them unless they're already feeling that way themselves. Even then, I strongly believe it's best to find something good about the other parent. There's too much hate in this world already, don't add to it.

No, as long as the mother is not abusive to the child, he should let the child see his mother. Children are very perceptive, and they know very well who really cares for them, but still, even though she might not be the best mother in the world, she is his mother, and that is a connection that is hard to give up.

If the mother does drugs and turns to substance, would you still want the child around her? Just curious. Children need positive role models in life. You may not be a perfect mother but bringing something as harsh as drugs and bad influences into a child's life wouldn't be ideal for the child.

Ignoring a child IS abusing a child. Yes, he sould seek custody, while giving the mother a chance to redeem herself.

This is what I believe. But I'm a little torn on this decision. I'd want my child to have a father in their lives. I believe in a family. I just don't know if keeping him away completely is the answer. Just because the marriage was destroyed, it doesn't always make him automatically a bad father. But ignoring a child to me a form of some kind of abuse. Its neglect.

I think sharing custody should be the choice when it comes to children, I believe they need their mother and their father in their lives WHENEVER it is not going to result in their physical or emotional harm as a result

no parents are perfect, but most have the capacity to mature and learn with experience,,children deserve their parents enough for them to TRY to let each other do that

The child should have an important say in this decision. Too often the adults (or one adult) decide among themselves and don't let the child have a voice. I'd probably draw the line at drug abuse, but I'd explain why as nonjudgmentally as possible. You've got to respect that bond, even if the parent isn't living up to it. The child will still feel it.

IMO, he should do what he feels is in the best interest for that child.

I ended a relationship with my child's father while we could still be civil to each other. We've had our moments whereby we've argued but outside of my family, he is my best friend and our child is a well balanced 18yr old.

My priority was for my child not to grow up with two people that hated each other and who argued all the time. I didn't grow up in that environment so why would I want that for my child.

Each case is so different, most children will want to know both parents, and really without the child is in danger knowing their Mum is a good thing.
My children grew up with a father who was a very bad example, however they chose to not do the things he did.
Really the more people in a childs life who offers them love the better.

first his version of EVERYTHING needs to be verified by other adults by an objective 3rd party- such as a mediator. We are only hearing one side here. I have know n men to tell vicious lies with no bearing in truth, about a woman they could not control, or out of unrequited love

sorry not saying all men do this - just that I have seen it happen

and guess what?

people tend to believe them

know why?

because he's a man.

Who says the mother didn't or won't simply take the child when she leaves. if the dad turns out to be lieing - he should have only limited visits with a 3rd party observer

What's wrong with joint custody?

The child is the responsibility of both parents. They should both be responsible.

Sometimes a man will try to get full custody not because of the child but because he is still attached to the child's mother.

I like the idea of that, only if the other is responsible enough to care and love the child. Its a tough call. Its always in the best interest of the child. Most courts tend to side with the mother, though in LA, the legal system is so corrupt and a lot of good fathers never see their children unless its visitation.



What if the man isn't lying? What if the mother is really that horrible of a parent? Just a thought, usually in today's world its the other way around. I think women can be evil too and hurt good men.

if the mother is setting an example of abusing herself, that is quite different than her just 'not knowing' how to mother

it doesnt come with a handbook, truth be told, its LEARNED Through experience and if she isnt physically and emotionally harming the child, she should have the right to learn like everyone else

it defies reason, in my opinion, to completely keep a child from its mother because she 'sometimes' doesnt spend time with the child when they are there,,,,,going from not enough attention to NONE would be abusive

in my opinion, its always best for a child to have their mother and father wherever possible

Or to try and punish the mother. Or to not pay child support. My ex tried that. It didn't last long, but it nearly sent me over the edge.

If all this is in the best interest of the child than I'd think its really messed up to have a mother like that in my life. I wouldn't want it. Since children can't make up their minds AND don't know any better (can't comprehend) I would hope the mother gets help first above all else. The courts can grant full custody to the father in the meantime. Being in a situation like this could truly traumatize the child in the long run. You may not think so now, but it'll prove detrimental to the child's mental state when he/she grows up. I'm surprised at these answers really. I guess because its rare that a father would prove the adult in this type of situation. But this stuff happens, and kids turn out a bad product just from having a sh!tty mother around. Drugs, bad influences, mental issues, wrong crowds, possible suicidal thoughts; the list goes on.

Look, none of us actually know this situation. We're all just trying to be reasonable, say what we think is best and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. If you are personally involved in the situation, then you have lots of information we don't and no doubt you can make a better judgment. But in that case, you don't need our advice anyway.

Right, all I was doing here was telling a story. I have no personal attachment to it. I see this kind of thing happen often and it bothers me that its not talked about enough. Just wanted some thoughts on it AND I was honest about the responses. I have nothing personally against any of you. Mostly didn't agree with the answers. *shrugs*