Well, if you state:

How do you know there is something wrong with you?

After I said..

I think there's something wrong with me..

That indicated to me, you knew different?

>.>

If it's not something 'wrong'..
..then what is it?

I was just hoping.. maybe over anything..
..you'd have an answer?

No, I wrote "What if there is nothing wrong with you?"

I was suggesting another perspective ...


And what if you've never done anything wrong? ... and all of your judgements of you are the misdirected judgments of others ... and perhaps ... as is always the case ... they are wrong and you no longer need to carry them as though they are your own.

I write 'you' but I mean 'everyone' including you.

Oops.

Misperception.

>.>

Day Four...

This may be my shortest entry yet..
But I wanted to do this before I get zonked out.

Had my doctor visit today.
TY Dr. Douchenugget..
I now remember why I hate PhD's.

I got pricked. Proded. Probed. Violated.
All this after waiting for 1.5 hours just to be seen.
Isn't that the purpose of setting an appointment?

So, what did I discover?

Apparently, that painful stabbing sensation..
My lower left side bottom two ribs..
..they're both cracked. >.>
How in the...?
He said it could have been from coughing or sneezing
in my sleep; cause apparently, according to my mom
When I do sleep, I appear to be having 'vivid nightmares'
Even though I recall nothing when I wake?

So, doc gave me some Percocet for the pain.
It appears Ambien for the sleep issue..
..and some other BS.

Another interesting fact..
Apparently when I do actually sleep..

<.<

I suck on my index finger. :X
WTF is that?!
*sigh*
Great, another thing for me to be self-conscious about..

He also detected an unknown 'dark spot' in my xrays..
He said it could be something or it could be nothing.
Wow. Really?
Thanks.
That'll help my sleeping issue.

Presently.
I'm kind of wired..
But I know it's cause I'm jacked up on meds. :O
I actually have the desire to write..
...but I can't form any truly good thoughts.
So, that may have to wait..

I just kinda started thinking..
Don't cracked ribs really hurt?
I noticed this pain started like 4 months ago..
..and I've just been ignoring it..
Until recently when it got really bad..

So if this is true..
You mean to tell me..
I've been walking around with 2 cracked ribs for four months
...and had absolutely no clue?!
Numb...
Maybe that was an understatement?

My thoughts are kinda of scrambled presently.
And, for once, empty..
I actually.. feel peaceful, calm..
No cares, because, no thoughts..
I think I may have self-discovered my insomnia issue..

It's my mentality.
Analyzing. Processing.
My mind acts like the World Wide Web's main server..
Processing trillions of useless ideas
..and can't find rest.
And these pills..
It's like someone just pulled my cord..

Getting.. really sleepy..
I missed this feeling.
<3

Oh, yeah, and on a funny side note..
You know how doctors have a clipboard with your entire history on it?

Well, lol, this guy tells me:
"You need to drink more milk."
My mom laughed hysterically I just looked down and shook my head.

Why?
It say clearly on the top of my history notes:
"Lactose Intolerant."

Nice, doc, nice.
Thought you were trying to help me?
Not kill me. :O

Weird thing is though..
I'm not actually lactose intolerant..
I eat cheese like it was going out of style.
Ice Cream, love it.
However, milk, by itself, in its true form..
I cannot have..
Get a reaction like a person who shouldn't be stung by bees..
..but just was.

Apparently, also side note..
When I was drugged up >.>
I was informed I grabbed the nurses butt and said
"Mm Becca.. get over here so I can see your skittles."

>.>

Embarrassing much. :O

Ok, I feel like I'm blind typing now..
Time to get some sleep..
..peacefully.

(Hopefully)

You are amazing with or without the painkillers..

01.28.12

Meh.
I skipped a few days.
Been under the weather.
Not sure exactly with what..
..since apparently I should be fine.

I feel like I grew a tumor on my heart.
And it's just sucking all the care from me.
And now.
I've turned full circle.
I'm just numb.
Empty.
I seriously.
Do not care anymore.

You want to be my friend?
Yet..
You call me a liar..
..say I'm being emo..

Gee thanks, 'friend'.
That's like me saying..
You know..
Next time you have your period..
..I hope it's in a shark tank.
Cause that's how it feels.

I can't love you anymore.
I can't miss you anymore.
I can't cry over you..
..I can't be depressed over losing you..
So, what..
..you want me to be empty and numb?
Since I can't be any other way..
..yeah, I can do that, too.

You can read this..
..and get all ticked at me for writing it..
But don't worry, it'll be the last time.
So, just let me get it off my chest.

I just wish I could convince you..
I'm not lying.. or at best..
..didn't mean to come off like that.

So, off that..
Some guy, who I apparently cannot refer to as a doctor..
..says I should be near 100% in a week or two.
I'm debating it, but I might write one last poem..

Been sleeping well, for once.
Pills are helping.
Thank God I don't sleep walk or anything..
..well, not that I know of, anyway.
However..
I do feel rather hostile and aggressive lately..
I wonder if its related?
I'm supposed to go back on Wednesday..
..not sure if I will or not yet..
..but I'm supposed to.

Mom keeps asking what I'm going to do...
If something happened to her..
..plus she already took care of the idea..
If something were to happen to me..
Seriously..
..what is she hinting at??

Life...
Seriously.. what's the point?
There is just so much misery wrapped in everything that delivers joy..
..everything will make you frown more than it makes you smile..
So many tears.. so much sadness..
..all leading to the day we fear..
Well, most fear anyway..
I'm starting to look forward to it.

I think I'm starting to understand..
Heath Ledger.. Mr. Jackson..
I know what happened now..

Sometimes the only thing pushing us forward..
..is time itself.

You just get yourself better, then everything will fall into place as it should..Keep writing, you are doing fab M...

Day... Meh.

Lost.
Indisposed.
Disconnected.
Fading.
I try to scream.
But nothing comes out.
I hear whispers.
Polluting my dreams like a disease.

I made my poetry website.
I love it.
Worked hard on it too..
..think I'm done with that for the day though.

Got a headache.
My tooth is bothering me.
Someone who I wanted to talk to all day..
..isn't talking to me.
I can only assume...
I made her mad..
I wrote a poem earlier..
..then I ripped it up and tossed it.

Some may be bitter about that..
..had they the knowledge.
However, not even I read it..
I'm not sure what that was all about..
..but whatever.
I'm random sometimes like that..

Had cheddar meatloaf for dinner o.o
Never heard of such a beast..
..but man was it effin good.

Feel like it's been a while since I last wrote in this..
But, meh..

Least I'm still writing in it.

Maybe I'll write some more..
..before calling it a night.

Almost completely destroyed Skyrim, too..
..only a few known missions left. :)

..my son called me today.
Devastated are we both..
..apparently he's not coming up this summer..
Which means..
My one visit for seeing him this year..
..may not even happen. :(

..life just continues to improve..
Right.

I cried for you
when you were young
a sing for you
a song unsung
your biggest critic
your biggest fan
it tell you you cant
i show you you can
always there
if you need to hide
it is in me
that you can confide
you look to me
when you dont know
im always there
i wont let go
the greatest person
ive ever known
its time for you
my love is shown
maybe its wrong
to put it this way
but heres to me
on valentines day

We all have a greatness inside of us that we are taught not to celebrate because its vanity. For every minglers out there, heres to you on v-day And if nobody told you today; LOVE YA,MEAN IT

I'm sorry, about your son not being able to come up.

.. otherwise, you know I only don't talk to you when I have reasons.

..yup.

Jut sucks when you are totally clueless as
..to the reason for said silence.

Day Meh II

Rats.
I caught one today.
With the help of a fish-named Cat.
As I stared at it.
Squirming in my hands..
..my instinct was to crush it.
Snap its neck and toss it in the trash.
But.
What level of ruthless aggression does that truly take?
To end another's life without regret or second thought?
I that not what defines a 'monster'?
The instinctive and natural reaction to simply.. kill.
Not just for survival or hunger..
..but for something as minuscule as another being.
Doing what its instinctive nature tells it to do.

We are all but rats, are we not?
Endlessly scurrying through our own labyrinth.
Ultimately searching for the exit..
..only to realize..
Once we find it, its usually when we had also
Discovered a reason to stay in the maze.

Stupid overly complex mentality.
Am I not greater than that rat?
Taller, smarter (perhaps), stronger..
..but am I not greater?
Truth is..
Outside of perception and possibly
the fact I hold the knowledge, that if I was a mouse..
..the house with the cat, is not a place I'd risk trespassing.

But it is found in the absence of purpose.
That I see no true, profound difference.
The rat acts as a rat should.
I act as a human should.
I dress accordingly.
I shower and fix my hair.
Brush the mud off my sneakers from the day before.
I socialize. I work.
I take care of my son; despite the distance.
I sit on the bus.
Debate politics. Discuss religion.
Seeking love and to feel wanted.. needed.
Yet..
Outside of clothing..
..that's all the rat does.

It has no supermarket to buy its cheese.
...nor any mode of transportation to travel from A to B.
It settles with what it can get..
..and prays that along its journey..
..it can find itself another rat to love.

*sigh*
Top of the food chain?
Maybe..
..but I think we are more like Great Whites on land.
Parasitic predators that create fear and chaos.
..seems like the only animals that dare swim near our feeding circle..
..are the ones we don't devour or kill for sport.

..I wonder..
Think deer feared humans as much in centuries past before they were openly hunted merely for sport?

...adaptation...
Another thing every animal seems to be adherent to.
Just because we are experts at it.. does that make us greater?

Meh.

I think I broke my 'S' button. If I start typing too fast..
..I keep noticing the 's' isn't registering..

Makes me wonder..
What if their was 25 letters in the alphabet?
..which letter would we care to part from?
F? ..nah, because f*** is one of my favorite words.
J? ..no more Jacks, which would make playing cards.. awkward.
Q? ..then what would be in charge of England?
V? ..violence would have a whole new meaning. Plus I love Vintage.
X? ..Pirates would truly be confused..
Z? ..what would you call a zebra then? ..and if not a zoo, where would you see them?

iCarly, before, had 'invented' a number between 6 and 7.
It was merely an attempt to get this spoiled brat in trouble, which worked mind you..

..but made me wonder.

Skeptics.
The question so many things.
..but some question not the basic fundamentals of knowledge.
Two apples. What if there was no number 2?
Who created the 'number'? ..and how did they know '2' was the right term for it?

In that matter..
The Apple itself.
It is said it first originated is Western Asia..
..but who knew to call it an 'apple'?

..so how do we know..
What one person meant by this..
..as we call it something else?

I don't know..
..whatever.

I jut wanted to unleash my rambling..
..mission accomplished.

I'll probably continue later.