This isn't a poem.
It's going to be a journal.
You want to add to it, feel free.

Otherwise...

Do you.

Jan. 23, 2012

Another day under my belt.
Got urged, for some reason, to write a novel of free-flowing poetry.
It's an idea, but, I'm unsure of how it'd actually work.

Ticked off my mom again.
It's either really easy or I'm just a flipping expert at it.
31 years.. and you still can't be proud of me for anything I've done?

Surviving cancer. Entering the military.
Setting a HS football record.
Winning three straight baseball titles.
Raising a beautiful, respectful, and admirable son.

Nothing does it for you?

Saw Becca.
I wonder if she truly realizes how much she actually brightens my sullen moods with just a simple 'hi'?
God I love her...

Feeling that thing again.
I know something's wrong with me. I can feel it.
I'm not sure what it is, but I'm sick of seeing doctors.
Mom offered to pay for me to see a shrink again...
As if I need help? I'm not the one who took my son to go get fitted for a coffin. >:/
I wonder when it is no longer rational to think:
"It'll just go away."

I think it's day six now...
I believe I'm losing track of the days anymore..
Maybe that's why I'm debating on not writing poetry anymore..
'You write with such passion.'
Not really.
I write with a pen that has emotion as its ink.

I feel like I could walk straight through a group of people
All of which know me and, if I were not to say anything...
...I know no one would even notice me.

I'm probably the only one who cuts out their own picture..
..and used it to cover the definition of depression..
..inside a dictionary.

Am I not permitted to be free?
Destined to always be a slave to my own regret and misery?
Waiting for the day that sorrow completely consumes me..?

So many encouraging words..
Yet like my writings..
..they are what they are.
Nothing more than just words.
Maybe I'm half Russian, half rubber?

It seems like every time I think I've hit bottom..
..I'm reminded there is still a ways to fall.

If there is such a thing as karma..
Man, I must of really ticked her off.

I told some people I'm not going to post poems anymore..
Truth is..
I'm not even going to write it anymore.
I think I made up my mind.

I wish I could just sleep it off..
..and then face it fresh tomorrow..
But, alas, it's going to be another one of those nights.


..and so I wander on..
Wandering through the rain.

.. Your passion is wonderful ..

It would be a sad day for us if you were to stop writing and posting your poems. I am sorry that your accomplishments were not acknowledged. We always seem to strive for a parent's praise.
You have done many good things, and will continue to do so!!

...um?

lol

...what?

Even so, all my good is overshadowed by my failures...

No Mike, our "failures" are life lessons. Try to look at things that way, you may be able to move on more quickly.
No one is perfect, or even real close. We all make our mistakes, sometimes look foolish, act/speak before thinking...it's what we learn from it that matters.

Yes, I am a glass 1/2 full person!!!

..well, I'm a it's empty-cause-I-was-parched glass kinda person.

Jan. 24, 2012

Day two comes to an end.

When I'm gone.
Would you still love me?
Could you still feel me close?
Receive the goose bumps from my breathe?
Would your eyes drift closed to thoughts
Oh such simple and sweet thoughts
Of the times we spent together?
Would you still love me?
When I'm gone.

In that moment.
I can feel it.
Nothing remains the same.
Except one word.
Love.
Death can't keep my love at bay.
No God, no Devil.
No Demon, no Angel.
Even if I were to be
Banished to the opposite
End of the universe
My love would find you.
Would you still love me?
When I'm gone.

Within.
A smile.
A laugh.
A frown.
A thought.
A place.
A moment.
A memory.
Even if brief fits of anger.
As the sorrow consumes.
Misery finds your company.
Try to remember.
I want you to be happy.
Even if it isn't me.
Making your laugh.
Don't be stuck in sadness.
Don't think of me like that.
That was our place.
That was our moment.
And together.
We made that memory together.
Something that can never be stripped from us.
Would you still love me?
When I'm gone.

If I told you I missed you
Would that end your grief?
If I told you I need you
Would that end your emptiness?
If I told you I want you
Would that end your loneliness?
If I told you I love you
Would that end your doubt?
Don't you dare cry over me.
It was a privilege.
It was a honor.
It was a pleasure.
Just to have known you.
I will never forget you.
Nor the footprints you left in my sand.
So don't you dare cry.
Because of you.
I can die with no regrets.
I will always love you.
Even when I'm gone.

-------------------------------------------------

I slept three hours earlier today..
Ticked off my mom again.
"Why must you sleep the whole day away?!"
I guess the days really are getting shorter.

That pain came back.
This time, worse than before.
Ignoring it.
I refused to collapse to my knees.
I must confess..
..I may have to give in.
Rub away my ignorance.
And see a stupid doctor.

Take more stupid pills.
Get hooked on something else.

Again..
I exploded in a post.
No response.
I wonder...
Is it fear of asking?
Or..
Is it they wish not to know?
Not care to know?
Or maybe..
I truly am just a shadow..
Like I've always believed me to be.

No, that's ridiculous.
She sees me..
Even if we didn't talk much today..
I must remember.
She is sick.
And everyone has their own issues.
I shouldn't expect help.
Nor some friendly words.
Leave that to me to do for others..

I truly doubt they'd even notice..
Aside from a few..
..but maybe a few..
Is better than nothing, right?

Watched the second episode of Being Human today.
Bad a**; can't believe she's a wolf too now. :O

An ex came to my door today..
Told me her daughter was mine..
She's been married to the guy she's said countless times
'You are the father.'
So, why tell me this now?
Your daughter is 11.
Expecting child support?
Well, you knocked on the wrong door..
..but that wasn't it..
She couldn't keep it from me anymore?
WTF does that even mean..??

I wonder..
Am I truly numb inside to most things
aside from Becca..
..because I slammed the door in her face.
'I don't care'...
Are those truly to be the last words I say to her..
I don't know if she's lying or not..
..and most of me doesn't care..
But regardless of the truth in it..
I do regret thing.
Not asking why.

Why tell me this now?

Life just seems so pointless.
Like floating in outer space.
Unable to control where you float.
You just aimlessly drift...
..hoping one day you will land.
And land in a place where you can find rest.


I'm starving..
Barely ate the past two days..
Did I do it purposely?
..no, I think I just forgot.

I really hate trying to quit smoking.
This electronic cigarette sucks...
It may be menthol and all..
..but it tastes like a jack-o-lantern's crack..

Guess I'll recheck my posts..
See what's popping off..
Then, I'm going to try and sleep..
Maybe I'll get lucky this time..

..maybe I'll count some rabid sheep.

Keep writing Sin.
But make sure you sleep first.

lol, you like reading my misery thoughts in the middle of the night?

I'm too awake again to sleep. >.>

Your misery thoughts equate to great reading, but at the same time, it must do you the world of good getting those thoughts out..

I guess so...

Day Three...

Someone call Regis..
I need a lifeline.
I'm trying.. so hard..
..yet I feel like I'm still failing
..far more than I'm accomplishing.
Maybe I'm trying too hard?
..but won't it appear like I'm giving up
if I stop now..?

Another chitty day in the books.
Appointment with the doctor tomorrow.
Not sure what it'll actually accomplish..
..but like any good board game..
I'll play along.

I kind of relate life to chess..
I say such because I played a few rounds
..with some chemo kids at the hospital.

We, the people, are the pawns.
The minority.
The first to be sacrificed into the greater scheme of things.
It seems like the only one who actually defends the pawn..
..is another pawn.

Rooks and Bishops..
..that's our government parties.
They can move as far as they choose to..
..but they only ever see one path.
Their own self-righteous created one.

Knights would be the army.
Constricted on their movements.
Only able to move and act on what they are told.
While they claim to protect us all..
..in reality it's the king and queen they desire to protect the most.
They are nothing but pawns on a horse.

The Queen.
That would be our Senate.
Able to move any and everywhere.
They will sacrifice anyone and everything to accomplish
..and satisfy their own greed.
Unable to grasp nor see their own corruption.
Even if they had the power to grant
pawns and knights the power to move and operate differently.
They won't.
Because the Queen won't usurp her own power to those who need it more.

The King.
He is life itself.
Moving one spot at a time.
Maybe it's faith the pushes him onward.
Maybe it's desire just to see where he'll end up.
But regardless of the reason, it moves.
Praying ever so vigilantly..
..that he can live long enough..
That when he hears the words..
"Check mate"
He will leave this world... satisfied.

I'm pained by what she said..
I wasn't trying to put a guilt trip on you..
..never..
Just that..
I wanted to express..
..that I love you so much..
..and it kills me inside to know I cannot be there for you..
And although I try and try as I might..
I do nothing but add to your suffering..
..and while I don't expect to make you smile all the time..
Just tried to say in a nice way..
..your words are hurting me..

Don't worry.
It's fine..
I'm numb to most things..
I'll get over it.
I get over almost everything..
Maybe it's because I pre-determine that
Disappointment is a fact of life, not just a variable.
Through suffering..
..we find a way to overcome and excel.

Ugh.. feeling sick for some reason..

I'll have to continue this later...

Day Three.. Part II

Didn't toss my cookies.
So, that's coo.

I just got praised by some Mingle Admins. :D
Oddly made my day.
I wrote up, in the Help topics.
A step-by-step guide on how to post
your pictures on Mingle from a
mobile device.

Seems they want to make it a permanent post and easy to access.
Kudos to me!

On the sad side of things..

I haven't heard from Becca now in a while..
I'm going to stop being the half-empty kinda guy..
..she's sick.
She's resting.
So, if she ever by chance reads this..

I love you.
I'm sorry.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad..
:(


...I'm not sure what else to write at the moment.
Kinda lost my train of thought.

So, again, I'll check out the forums.
Then I'm gonna kill some bandits..
..in Skyrim.

Before, hopefully, calling it a night.

I don't think you have any idea how good you are. And I don't think you have any idea of the beauty that lives inside of you...and that you express ... sometimes through the beauty of pain...

What if there is nothing wrong with you? And what if you've never done anything wrong?

Keep writing. I feel every word.

..thanks I guess.

Maybe there isn't. Maybe there is.
Maybe I haven't. Maybe I have.

Who is in position to make this judgement?

Cause it doesn't feel like it's me..

I am not a proponent or fan of judgments


There are only points of view ...

in other words..
..you have no clue either..

D:

Is that what you infer from that? Interesting...