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| Topic: Women in abusive relationships | |
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I had been putting up with the snide verbal comments for a while, and I let them go most of the times. But if I commented back he would blow it out of proportion and grab a suitcase and head back to his mommy. She would take him back in and he would cool off for a few days, promise not to make the comments again and come back.
After I had our second child, his comments became nasty because he would complain of how fat I had become (I couldn't lose the last ten pounds) and how I should get on my knees and thank God he was there because no other guy would want me. I'm no angel and I can 'give' as good as I 'get' in an argument so the verbal fighting went on for a while before things got worse. He did small things that caused scars, but he has a few nails rakings on his neck also, from self-defense. The first and LAST time he ever really hit me without provocation, was when he punched me square in the center of my back while I was washing dishes. I turned around with the carving knife in my hand and told him if tried that again I would bury the blade so far in his chest my hand would be coming out his back. When he grabbed his suitcase that time, his fourth time in five years, I told him take everything he wanted....the rest would be burned because he would never step foot into my house again. |
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Edited by
josie68
on
Mon 04/18/11 05:17 PM
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I dont think that you really realise until you have left that you do have any strength at all, and one of the hardest things is when other people tell you how weak you where because you stayed..
 And tell you what they would have done |
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I don't think it's weakness for staying in an abusive relationship. I've never been in one, but did see my mom in a couple growing up. My mother is a very strong woman, and I never felt that she was weak for being in those situations.
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We have hundreds of women every year come through here, while they wait for somewhere to go..
it's the hardest for women with young children and no family, normally they end up going back... |
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Edited by
actionlynx
on
Mon 04/18/11 05:26 PM
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I've seen the verbal/psychological abuse happen in person. At first, I didn't recognize it, but then I began to figure it all out. There are bosses that are like that. It doesn't just happen at home or in relationships. The sad thing is that such a person has such deep, inner anger or insecurities that they feel their behavior is justified. Some guys that are like this believe that just because they won't lay a hand on someone means they don't have a problem.
I had a buddy like that once. Everything was always everyone else's fault, but he would cross a line while feeling justified. He felt that everyone constantly disrespected him, but couldn't accept criticism. Eventually we all kicked him out of our circle of friends. I know his wife has flaws, but the way he talks to his wife makes her feel smaller and insecure. She won't leave because she has never had a job, and they have 3 children. I used to see it when I worked for him, and when we watched football on Sundays. I was there when he and his wife had a big blow up. She talked to me about it afterward. Not long afterward, I stopped showing up on Sundays for football. When I talk to other friends about this, they side with him on the issue of his wife. I think they all need a reality check. |
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How many times of leaving does it take before they leave for good? If you were in a situation yourself, how many times of leaving did it take you before you left for good? What was it that made you leave and not go back? There is always a final straw. Mine was hearing him propose marriage over the phone to his high school sweetheart. He was still married to me. |
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Yeah, sometimes the final straw is that they end up dead.
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Yeah, sometimes the final straw is that they end up dead. Yes and it happens way to often. |
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Edited by
Jeanniebean
on
Tue 04/19/11 06:23 PM
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Yeah, sometimes the final straw is that they end up dead. Yes and it happens way to often. I avoided that by listening to my inner being. I woke up one morning in a cold sweat. All I could hear in my brain was "You need to divorce this person!" But my feelings were stronger. It was a feeling of pure panic. The fight or flight impulse. But at the time I was not in any danger. I just knew I had to get out. I hatched a plan. I got out. Now I am infected with the happy disease! That was ten years ago.  I'm free! I'm Free! I'm Free at last!  |
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How many times of leaving does it take before they leave for good? If you were in a situation yourself, how many times of leaving did it take you before you left for good? What was it that made you leave and not go back? It is different for each case. They have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired first and then they will work their way out. For me it was the fact that I didn't like who I was becoming while in the situation. My big trigger was that I was plotting how to kill him and get away with it. It was pretty quick for me to start to get away though. It took me a while to fully get away though because he stalked and broke in and stuff like that. |
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There must be 50 ways to leave your lover.
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The trouble here, is that often, women mistake cruelty, rudeness and agression.....for strength Good comment, but incomplete. Many women also seek drama and excitement. Abusive men tend to make life very exciting and dramatic. That's flippin bulls**t! Shame on you for those words even coming out of your mouth. NO woman looks to get beat either physically or mentally...period. |
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can't see how being abused is exciting. You would find it boring? I knew a woman who was addicted to the drama of it. It's rare, but it's out there. Usually that's all those women know. They usually grew up abused and don't have the self respect or strength to leave. |
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The trouble here, is that often, women mistake cruelty, rudeness and agression.....for strength Good comment, but incomplete. Many women also seek drama and excitement. Abusive men tend to make life very exciting and dramatic. That's flippin bulls**t! Shame on you for those words even coming out of your mouth. NO woman looks to get beat either physically or mentally...period. You are right in that at no time should it be assumed that a woman is trying to get beaten. But in rare cases a woman who is mentally unwell with "seem" to be this way. It is a mental illness though not a norm. And it doesn't matter, like in rape also, no man should be excused for either at the expense of how a woman acts, dresses, etc.... |
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The trouble here, is that often, women mistake cruelty, rudeness and agression.....for strength Good comment, but incomplete. Many women also seek drama and excitement. Abusive men tend to make life very exciting and dramatic. Oh my gosh that is absolutely ridiculous. Have you ever had a 300 pound fully muscled man tell you he would kill your children if you left, have you ever had your phones disconnected and your car disabled so it wouldnt run and you couldnt leave. Have you ever been in a position where you know you have absolutely no control over anyting. Have you ever evere ever been totally helpless. You have absolutely no idea what a women in that position feels. There is absolutely nothing exciting about being threatened and abused, thank you... 
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can't see how being abused is exciting. You would find it boring? I knew a woman who was addicted to the drama of it. It's rare, but it's out there. Usually that's all those women know. They usually grew up abused and don't have the self respect or strength to leave. After we had left, my children where shocked to see other familys that where functional. They came home so excted to se their friends parents hapy, even now they all so want a complete family, they want more brothers and sisters but mainly they want a real Daad, someone who wants them. They already call one of our truck drivers Dad and introduce him to people, he sort of adopted them, takes them around with him, he takes them to visit his family and call s them his kids. Although this is probably a little strange, for kids who had a man who didnt want them, this has made a huge difference in their lives, he is a constant, who no matter what they do just turns up and wants to seee them. If you grow up with abuse, you dont really even know that there is anything else out there. It is normal. It doesnt mean that you like it, you just know nothing else. Which makes it even sadder. |
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Sadly you often lose yourself, you dont see taht you are worth anything and often, even though it appears that you dont care, you do but you hide it from the world. You get used to shutting your feelings inside you where it doesnt hurt as much. You hide yourself from everyone until finally you dont even know who you are. Often even after you leave it can take years to even find yourself again. Mine was a tunnel that I would fall in and just when I thought I might be close to seeing daylight again...I got knocked back down. It took me 16 long years to get the strength to file for divorce. I don't talk much about it anymore. It seems like so many lifetimes ago. Forgiving for me is not reliving it .
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Sadly you often lose yourself, you dont see taht you are worth anything and often, even though it appears that you dont care, you do but you hide it from the world. You get used to shutting your feelings inside you where it doesnt hurt as much. You hide yourself from everyone until finally you dont even know who you are. Often even after you leave it can take years to even find yourself again. Mine was a tunnel that I would fall in and just when I thought I might be close to seeing daylight again...I got knocked back down. It took me 16 long years to get the strength to file for divorce. I don't talk much about it anymore. It seems like so many lifetimes ago. Forgiving for me is not reliving it . No I dont think reliving is good, because even though things are forgiven , reliving still can make you cry, not because you havent dealt with it, just because there is so much there that its really to much to ever just pretend it didnt happen, and it mjust uts you back there again. I can talk about it, but I would rather remember all the fun I have had through the years, and not think about yuck.. Thats how the kids and I kept going, there is always good in everyday, so we just focus on those things, and most of our memories are great. |
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The children and i had own own life, we played and laughed most of the time, it was only when he was there that things where different. My children would pray that he didnt come home on a Sunday. Mostly he didnt come home but when he did we would often just do whatever it was he wanted, if he becasme really angry, we would just sneak off into the bush and stay there a few days. Really it sounds bad, but we where bush kids, we turned the horror into fun, we camped , cooked and made our life just a big adventure. We built a cubby house that had bunks and with all our camping gear and would often stay there for days. The kiddies where homeschooled and they had their schoolwork with them, Its funny because when we look back, although we know that there where really bad times, we really only remember the fun parts of it. In some ways he broke us, but in other ways he taught us to apreciate everything we have. Josie..you are truly a beautiful and amazing woman! cheers and God Bless 
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There is something I want to add to this thread... and it needs saying. From the outside looking in...an abused woman appears to be very weak.. If you have never experienced abuse, it seems the woman chooses to stay, because it looks so simple to just call the cops, pack up and leave. It is never that simple... ...and takes more strength and energy simply to just survive each day, than at any other time in that woman's life...imagine the drain it is to pretend to the outside world that all is ok...imagine the strength it takes to try and create a quiet and loving world for the children, in the gaps, when the abuser is not there...all the while with one ear cocked for a vehicle, a key in the door, the phone ringing... ...every single moment of every single day a woman in an abusive relationship is using incredible strength to survive. ...what she has no idea of, is that once she is away, safe, and can start to rebuild her own life, and create safe stability for her children....is it is an absolute cake walk compared to what she has survived. The most common response I get from women I have helped move past an abusive relationship is...."at the time it seemed impossible to leave....I was so exhausted, I didn't think I could do it....and yet, it was way less difficult, than I had imagined it would be" Most women I know personally, that have left abusive relationships, took 4 years....( I call it their Degree in Independence)...to become the most amazing women I know...professionals, home owners, leaders within their communities, leaders within their families, and the most important part.....leaders within themselves. For any reading this thread, who are caught in the cycle of abuse....there is help...and you have read some of what women have shared....who have survived...it can be done for you, also.
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