Last Sept I left my BF after 3 months of beatings. Started within 2 weeks after I let him move into my apt. Last beqating leaving me with a head concussion, fractured wrist, two black eyes, cut & bruised from head to toe. I've only told a few close friends here at Mingle & reply once in awhile hoping it'll help someone else leave quickly rather than stay. I was afraid to leave but more afraid to stay. Lucky for me I met my current BF when I was all battered up. He even went to court with me after having ex BF arrested. My current BF spoils the hell out of me & has never raised a hand to hit me. I've since gone on the road with him since he travels for his job & my BF pays my rent in case things doesn't work out on the road I still have my place to come back home to. I may have moved a little too fast after my last BF but the guy I got now I couldn't ask to be treated any better!!

I dont know if you are still emotionally attached as by the end I didnt have an emotions left.
But more like you cant see a way out, here really there is no protection, people think there is, but there isnt, you can hide, but for how long.
How long can you keep 6 children hidden.
And when he turns up and the law says he has to be allowed to see them what do you do.
Do you let him take them..
Nope sometimes its better to at least be thre to make sure that they are as safe as you can keep them.

Mine didnt start getting violent really until we had been married for 4 or 5 years, then it started slowly and then we where just stuck, he got mixed up with a group of high flying friends who theought drugs and alcohol where cool, and then things just got worse and worse, someone who is addicted to drugs becomes very unpredictable.
You still see the person they where at times, but the rest of the time, they are horrid.

A friend of mine was put in the hospital for a month after her boyfriend beat her. He fractured her jaw in three places, busted her ribs, and one of her wrists. I didn't find out until 2 weeks later. She ditched the guy after that, but kept blaming herself for starting the argument.

I was on a warpath for two days after I found out. I kept wishing I could find the guy....would have loved to beat him instead, but would have settled for just scaring him enough to soil his underwear.

I once saw my dad punch my mom....spent the next month or so bouncing from place to place with my mom. He never hit her again, but I saw him get violent in other ways....used to stay upstairs with a baseball bat in my hands while they argued. I promised that if he hit her again, I would split his head open.

The next time he tried to hit a family member, he took a swing at me. I stepped to the side, grabbed his wrist and twisted it to lock his arm. I was in shock that he swung at me in front of non-family, so I didn't follow up other than immobilizing his right arm. So he rammed me with his shoulder, pushing me through the door and breaking the windows. To this day, there is cardboard covering the broken windows.

Before my mom died, she told me that my dad has never forgiven me for humiliating him in front of others by locking his arm up.

I should be embarrassed that my dad lacked the self-control to not swing at me in front of his employees and a family friend! I was only 16!

It is never ever a childs fault. After my ex took my children back, my second eldest son would stand between them and his Dad. His Dad always had an excuse.. But there is none.

Statistically it takes around 8 times for a woman to finally leave an abusive relationship.

The first time...15 years...I was only 15 years old when I left.

In a romantic relationship.....once...but then I had a whole childhood of experience to support me...and also the experience of what it looked like after leaving.

An out of the blue, physical attack with a cast iron frypan...shattered cheekbone, and various fractures....I didn't need a second lap at it!

Abuse is insidious....it starts with almost inane comments...little things to throw a woman off balance...

it escalates....abuse is insidious...it truly is...and if a woman who knows instinctually something is amiss rarely has much 'evidence' to substantiate her feelings....so decides she is just nuts, unworthy, a whiner...undeserving.

There is verbal, physical, financial abuse...all of them initially target esteem...and to keep a woman off balance.

it is a slow degradation...

then the shame begins....the isolation, the doubts, the fear....co-dependence is usually incredibly strong by this stage...expecially if there are children involved...

Physical violence is not the usual beginnings....it is once the woman has been so depersonalised by the abuser that it is in their mind, justifiable.

Remember too...the abuse...the remorse...the promises...the honeymoon phase...the slow decline into escalating abuse...then the whole cycle begins again....all throws a woman off kilter.

They are victims....psychologically damaged...and unable to perform rationally...

fear is the most debilitating emotion there is.

Josie....it is such a classic to disable the car, smash the phones, take all control of the money, threaten your life, your children's lives...


and leaves you completely helpless...doesn't it?

You do everything in your power to SURVIVE...whatever it takes...to keep things 'nice'...to try and protect your children....


and you are so right....there is no excitement in it....none whatsoever...the dull ache...the feeling that you have a stone sat in your chest...the constant squirts of adrenaline caused by fear...the hyper sensitivity to his moods...all of it..

I am actually glad I entered this thread. I didn't know so many of you had these experiences. This is an issue that matters to me in such a deep way that I want to know everything you ladies have been through. I don't want to see this happen to any woman I know ever again. So if you all help me learn to recognize signs I don't already know, or if you teach me ways to deal with it I don't already know, then I can do my small part in stopping or preventing it that much more effectively.

I am thankful all of you have survived these experiences.

Lynx there is a plethora of information on the net...


have a read of this site...

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm#warning

Thank you! I will definitely print this out to keep handy in my desk for reference.

......please read other sites....LEARN the signs...

not just that site....and learn how to support someone in that situation....research the counselling services, and other support networks available in your area.

If a woman chooses to leave....she needs to PLAN...so she can remain safe...she needs bank account details, birth certificates, passports, medical paperwork for her and her children, ownership papers of any property that has her name on it....photos...each small thing taken and placed with someone she can trust one at a time.


It is not just a barrel in and save the day situation...there is an immense amount of support the woman requires, before, during, and after she has left an abusive relationship.

Yep, you just summed my life up in a few lines, its a yucky yucky way to live..

Thankfully I am out of it now, and it has changed my life, I am more understanding, less selfish, I love everyday that I have, and plan on enjoying every second of my life..

I was lucky I had two friends who helped me get out, it took us months to plan it, and I couldnt even tell the kids except my eldest daughter, I left everything, my home cars everything except what was in our suitcases. And it was worth it, it is much better to be safe and have nothing then to end up losing a child and keeping a few possesions.

Truthfully I have no idea what the signs are, everyone thought we where the perfect family.
Perfect little stay at home wife, great business, lovely home, 6 happy homeschooled children.
We where always smiling, never fought and everything appeared wonderful. My children where well educated, happy and well mannered, We where always well dressed and had everything that we needed/
But we had no contact with anyone, we went to town once a week and where home the rest of the time, I had no friends, and really still dont, except for the few men who I have made friends with at work.

The children and i had own own life, we played and laughed most of the time, it was only when he was there that things where different. My children would pray that he didnt come home on a Sunday. Mostly he didnt come home but when he did we would often just do whatever it was he wanted, if he becasme really angry, we would just sneak off into the bush and stay there a few days.
Really it sounds bad, but we where bush kids, we turned the horror into fun, we camped , cooked and made our life just a big adventure.
We built a cubby house that had bunks and with all our camping gear and would often stay there for days.
The kiddies where homeschooled and they had their schoolwork with them,
Its funny because when we look back, although we know that there where really bad times, we really only remember the fun parts of it.
In some ways he broke us, but in other ways he taught us to apreciate everything we have.

My children are strong independent young adults, they are very overprotective of me and each other. They will jump in and defend anyone who needs help. And are the first to reach out if someone needs something.
They are all strong in spirit and body, They are all fighters . But they do not raise there fist in anger, only to protect.
I guess I have encouraged them to not let anyone stand over them , as i dont ever want them in the position we where in.


Actionlynx, I dont think anyone could have helped me. I was to scared to involve anyone else. If you had tried to help me I would have pretended that my world was wonderful. If my ex had thought someone was trying to help me,none of us would have been safe. My whole focus every day was just getting through that day, making sure my children where ok and that we would make it to the next.

Really as much as people want to help, I dont know if anyone can. Yep I know it seems hopeless and sometimes it is..

Ok thats enough bad stuff for the day.. I am now going back to my happy little fairy world..
Luv You all.

There is something I want to add to this thread...


and it needs saying.


From the outside looking in...an abused woman appears to be very weak..

If you have never experienced abuse, it seems the woman chooses to stay, because it looks so simple to just call the cops, pack up and leave.

It is never that simple...

...and takes more strength and energy simply to just survive each day, than at any other time in that woman's life...imagine the drain it is to pretend to the outside world that all is ok...imagine the strength it takes to try and create a quiet and loving world for the children, in the gaps, when the abuser is not there...all the while with one ear cocked for a vehicle, a key in the door, the phone ringing...


...every single moment of every single day a woman in an abusive relationship is using incredible strength to survive.



...what she has no idea of, is that once she is away, safe, and can start to rebuild her own life, and create safe stability for her children....is it is an absolute cake walk compared to what she has survived.


The most common response I get from women I have helped move past an abusive relationship is...."at the time it seemed impossible to leave....I was so exhausted, I didn't think I could do it....and yet, it was way less difficult, than I had imagined it would be"

Most women I know personally, that have left abusive relationships, took 4 years....( I call it their Degree in Independence)...to become the most amazing women I know...professionals, home owners, leaders within their communities, leaders within their families, and the most important part.....leaders within themselves.


For any reading this thread, who are caught in the cycle of abuse....there is help...and you have read some of what women have shared....who have survived...it can be done for you, also.

Thanks for the information, it is helpful. :)

We give out this info pack, that folds to the size of a credit card, for women experiencing abuse....she can place it in her shoe...and not have it discovered...what she needs to collect up and remove from the house, before she leaves...

we have simple codes for those we check on....a soup can/coffee jar/vase...(whatever the prearranged code is) on the windowsill, that is visible from the front door says ..."I need your help...I am frightened"...

yes I do home visits...when he is there and not there...he has no idea who I am...and usually thinks I am something to do with community health....through the school, if the kids are school age, through the pharmacist, a church...whatever she feels he would accept...yes I lie my arse off...and play the happy family game...I have had I don't know how many kids, women and children have arrived at my door escorted by the police, or middle of the night run for it situations, over the years....I don't count.

We have also set up 'Frock Night' amongst women of the community, a themed dress up night out,...and all funds raised sit in a cash box in the police station, for emergency motel rooms, train tickets, petrol, whatever the woman needs to leave the area....or for a night or three safe until arrangements can be made.

There are different types of abuse.

A narcissist delivers a different kind of abuse-
which is not all physical abuse...it's emotional , verbal and psychological...

They weave such a web that they make you believe you are the crazy one. Everything is your fault. They are never at fault for anything.

I've been gaslighted many times.

I agree Holly...

and the most common excuses an abuser uses?

She's mentally unstable......and/or....a whore.