Just gotta love them unconditionally, let them know that you love them and will talk to them about anything.
I raised twin boys..now 21...never thought I would survive it but we all made it and they are ok.

I have 6 children, all of them very different, all of them wonderful.

If it is in his character to be like that it could pull him more inside himself if you comment on it.
My second eldest boy was very quiet and gentle, He could come across as being week, his Dad hated it as that really killed his self confidence by telling him he needed to do this or that and stand up for himself.
Well he is 16 now and still very gentle and normally quieter, however, We live and work in a place where men can get out of hand at times, andhe is always the first to stand behind me or step in if he thinks someone is to close or not acting correctly, and its not because he is loud or pushy, it is becaue he is quiet and demands some respect just by being who he is. Hmmm plus he is getting close to 6 ft and and close to 300 pounds so he is a very very big boy.

Anyway what I was saying was just let him be who he is, encourage him in his strengths. Listen when he wants to talk and dont ever put him in a corner where he feels like lying is the only way out. If you think he is lying just talk around it, tellhim you love him and that you just want to know what is Happening and how he feels about it.

For me the main thing with my children was always to keep them open and happy to talk to me about anything, Having 4 boys I now wish I hadnt done that as they are going through pubety and some of the questions are horrid. I dont know half the answers.

Anyway just love him and accept him for who he is, that is the best way for him to grow upinto a confident young man

try not to express to him the correlation between him and his dad and bad traits,,,


just try to work on those bad traits as a part of who HE is(not his father) , continue to raise him up in the ways you wish him to follow , give him a balance of love and boundaries and discipline

and GOOD EXAMPLES

I think thats all a parent can really do

Talk to him, and let him know that he can talk to you, about anything. I have a teenage daughter, who lived with my ex until starting college this year, she would get mad at me for things I didn't even realize I did wrong and not speak to me for weeks. I would get a call from my ex saying she was mad, and " it has been building for a while". I am now working to get her to be more open with me and talk to me about what's wrong.

It sounds like your son is young enough to get him to open up to you. If you can get him to be open with you and stand up for what he wants and how he feels with you now it will probably transfer over to the rest of his life. You may have to pry it out of him at first, but keep talking. It will never get any easier.

Wish someone had said this to me 8 years ago! Good Luck

You say he's pre-teen. Well, they all have traits that are not fond to the general human race at that age.

Thanks for all of your advice, I am getting a lot of good recommendations. Thank you. I am really trying to build his confidence and encourage him as much as possible. he says things like "I'm not good at anything" but I tell him that is totally not true.

His two sisters enjoy helping out a lot where he often complains. But I try and tell him if he participates in more things he will see he is very good at certain things, but he has to try them. I also try and give him certain tasks that i know he really excels in and enjoys. He just got an A in history science up from a D. And I let him work on our computer and electronic things, because he really like to investigate that stuff. And he has a good knack for it too. He just doesnt see it yet.

Personally I got involved in sports and exercise. It is excellent
training to learn about cooperation, personal commitment, hard work,
determination and the importance of physical health and mental
preparation and responsibility. Many of my coaches and teachers
served in different ways to inspire me and rendered good advice.

See if he is interested in any physical activity that involves training
and exercise and let him try several. There is likely a sport out there
which he will do very well at and which will have a lasting positive
impact.

For example, Jiu-Jitsu or some form of martial arts, weight lifting,
football, basketball, baseball, soccer, tennis, table tennis,
badmitten, squash, racketball, swimming, track, ice skating, hockey,
volleyball, bicycling, gymnastics, diving, lacrosse, surfing, skiing,
water polo or what have you.

I'm serious.



Intellectual endeavors are similarly good if he is more the chess
club, language society, reading club, computer club type. These
also provide a lot of growth and personal training both types of
activities are important of course.

Yay, he has done Tae kwon do, soccer, flag football, basketball, rocket science camp-every summer. . he loves chess, so i am thinking about trying that. Maybe get him into a chess club, he would enjoy that.

He sounds like a good kid with a great mother. I think he'll be OK.

Thanks Totage, he is a good kid, just I guess more shy and introverted. Maybe i am just being overprotective of his bashfullness. I am an extrovert so I probably just need to adjust my senses not his.

Is that what this is all about? That was me as a kid. It was a struggle for a lot of my life, but there certainly wasn't anything my folks could have done anything about. It's a question of confidence and finding the things that he's better at than the others, and to believe in himself. On the other hand, once a kid knows he has some talents, how does he celebrate himself without feeling that he's not just like everybody else?

You can give him the resources and the support, but you can't work these things out for him.

Yay, today he yelled at his sister because she was not listening to me, and then he started crying because he felt bad for yelling at her. It was like he felt bad and sensitive about it and was trying to help me. then i felt bad for him. I try to hug him and he pulled away. Does this mean he was embarrassed?

Probably. Possibly he was upset because you seemed to be the source of division between he and his sister. I dunno. Wild guess. One thing I do think is that this was probably not a situation that called for hugs and kisses. Rather a good time to have a good frank discussion about what was going on in his head. Maybe not so much for your information, but to help him sort out his own feelings. My guess is that he already knows how much you love him. Maybe he needs help with his confusions.

Maybe he needs to know that it's not his job to mediate between you and his sister. Adding a third bunch of sensitivities into the mix is a lot of responsibility for an 11 year old. How's that for an online pop-psychology analysis?

hahaha, yeah, i only wanted to hug him, cuz i cant stand to see him cry. I say to them sit down at a table, and the two girls, well one is only 4 years old, and the other is younger than my son...who is 10...they were running around, we were outside in a lounging area but i dont like them running in crowded areas cuz other people can trip over them or get mad...or something. so he said SIT DOWN! Dont you listen to MOM! (it was kind of cute to be honest with you) but then he started crying??? poor guy.

That's awfully cute. How can you not wnat to cuddle that? Still, that's kind of a brave and risky thing for him to have to be responsible for. Maybe just a matter of setting his mind at ease.

Well my son and I have been working on a fourth grade report. Sheeze, it was ten pages. We spent over two and half hours at the library, plus three hours last night, and several hours over the past two weeks. I hope he gets a good grade or he will be disappointed. I already told him, I am proud of all his hard work on this project, and no matter what grade he gets, I know he tried very hard and worked very hard.

I hope this makes him feel confident and accomplished in some way. Now just crossing my fingers he remembers to turn the darn thing in. He has a habit of forgetting to turn in his work. (work in progress-i keep telling him he works so hard and gets no credit when he doesnt turn it into the teacher) uggh

He got an award fro most improved last friday. So proud.

Bravo!

I have dreams of being in school, and forgetting to turn in assignments. For example, I'll be in a math class, and the teacher will have us turn in last nights homework, but I won't have it.

One time, there was this kid in one of my classes that never turned in his work, when we had to clean out our desks, his was full of all the work he did, but didn't turn in.


Sounds like your son worked hard on the report, I'm sure he'll do well.

haha, well i asked him if he turned in the report and the teacher said they are not allowed to turn it in until friday....this is the kind of sabotage I am talking about. Watch it get lost between now and then...I told him DO NOT take it out of your backpack...

Your son is the eldest of three?


Now in an all female household?...you, him, and the girls?


And you wonder about his passivity?


Ok...simple mathematics....if you are the strong, clear intelligent woman in your household, as you appear to be here....and your daughters are similar to you...passivity is a survival skill for your son!

My middle son, now 16, was incredibly passive, quiet, flew under the radar...

he had to....his older brother left home at 16, when the youngest son was almost 7...and that left him with a very strong personalitied mother, a similar natured older sister, 13...and a younger also similar natured sister, 3...

he had no hope of being heard over all the women!...also considering the house was always full of women, visiting...


I had to make some rules for we women to adhere to...

no denigration of men, whatsoever..

respect for my son's individuality, and his gender

dedicated space that was 'manland'...and his alone, to share if and when he chose to.

a conscious effort on my part to expose him to healthy well adjusted men, as mentors


I had to remember he was not the same gender as us women, he was one of my children....but wired differently to us females.