My aunt and my uncle have decided to get a divorce.

This is a couple that I have always looked up to, and who made me believe that true love and marriage were possible.

It's depressing, sad and heartbreaking to see this happening right before my eyes.

The worst part is they have a 9 year old son. He's my little cousin and he looks up to me.

He tells me he doesn't know who he wants to go live with and this is obviously upsetting and hurting him.

What can I do or tell him to make him feel better and let him know that it's going to be okay?

i was 11yrs old when my parents got divorced
my dad was selfemployed and a workaholic he didnt know when to slow down
my dad was harldy ever around and when he was we didnt feel we needed him
the day my parents divorce was finalized was the day my sister got married.
my mom got bombed off her butt she didnt know how to deal with it
6months after my dad called and announced that he remarried he married his secartary of 10yrs. im sure he was having affair but he didnt admit it
we didnt even bother to tell my mom cant even recall how she found out but she couldnt deal with it and was drinking from the time she came home from work to the time she went to bed she did this for over a month untill she realized if she didnt stop she would have a big problem... i was the only one left at home and when i had told my sisters they didnt belive me.. i dealt with the problem myself

To gummykiss:

The answer is simple...it's one I'm sure you've always heard...but I assure you, it's rarely ever practiced: BE THERE.

Okay...so here's the thing: Your cousin is already being pulled into this divorce far more than what anyone can possibly imagine. I'm sure there are fights and the boy gets pulled in. No disrespect to your family/aunt and uncle, as I don't know them, but I'm quite sure that in order to "stick it to the other person," there's things going on in the house and the boy is being told to do something to enhance the effect, without actually knowing the outcome of what he's doing. I'm sure the boy knows something that the uncle did and then was told to keep it a secret, and vise versa with the aunt. DEVASTATING situation to be in...Traumatic.

The fact that he already knows he's going to have to choose who to stay with, to me is a CLEAR indication that there's a LOT that he's being pulled into.

Here's what YOU do...You stay true to your words. If you say you're going to be there, then BE THERE. Nothing is more traumatic than being told that "I'll be there for you," and then when push comes to shove, not having the person be there. You'll only be reinstating the fact that when adults say they'll be there, they really won't in theory. After all, the parents are supposed to be there, but obviously aren't there right now at the most critical period (for now)...

It's almost 2 AM here...I hope the essence of this long reply is understood. I'm sure it's a little confusing, but I've stopped functioning a few hours ago. I hope this helps! The biggest advice I'd like you to walk away with is just that...You say you'll be there, then BE THERE...NO FALSE HOPES!

I would make sure he knows its nothing to do with him.
I would make sure he knows his parents both love him.
I would make sure he knows that you will be there for him.
I would encourage him (and encourage his parents to encourage him) to ask questions
I would make sure he knows its ok to just say he doesnt know(regarding whom to live with)

WELL, you can comfort him by telling him, he has done nothing wrong, and that he will not have to worry about choosing whom he will live with and whether or not he will hurt either parents feelings, My son had that issue, he kept saying he felt bad, because he didnt want to choose and hurt the other parent feelings, I told him the judge will decide. not him.....Just be a good listener and as long as he can let go of his feeling, he will make it day by day,as will you....

Im sorry you feel so down about their splitting, good luck to you and the family.

I'm very sorry you had to endure such things. I know in the long run, it has made you stronger. Thank you for sharing.



You make your point very clear. Thank you. I will be there for him, always. He's like my little bro.




I had a talk with him yesterday and assured him it was not his fault and that his parents and the rest of the family loved him very much. I am going to encourage him to ask questions though, thank you for the advice.



That's exactly what he told me, that he wanted to live with his dad, but then he gets frustrated and says he wants to live with his mom too. I hate seeing him like this because I know he's the one that's going to be the one that gets hurt the most in the end. But I'm going to make sure I can do everything I can to help him out. Thank you

Speeking from my own experience, it's a tough thing to go through. The emotional rollercoaster itself is hard to keep stable. What I did was find a parenting after separation course. Her father and I attended it together so we were both able to ask whatever questions we wanted to and the other could hear the response from the lawyer and counselor that were there. In my case I was dealing with someone who couldn't handle the change in our relationship and the stress from him was building up too much. Anyways, we started to find a common ground, in some ways. The toughest part on me was dealing with his harassment through the whole process, I always tried to redirect the answers to our child. We were suppose to keep her routine as normal as possible and the rules were suppose to be the same at both places. I turned to the proffessionals for advice and he turned to family and friends, which only made matters worse and our daughter started developing a worse attitude then before. It was tough to still try to be parents together when he wasn't much help in the relationship when we were still together. My family was more involved with our life then his was and all of a sudden his family had all of the answers, so I had to step in and stop the negativity that was going on. I made phone calls abs let my daughter talk with who ever she wanted to and I was willing to take her for visits but plans always changed and I got tired of trying so hard. No one would barely call to see how she was doing but I still kept busy with her and found out who my real friends were through that tough time. This went on for a year and a half but his harassment got to be to much for me to deal with, so a few months ago my daughter and I moved and starting over with barely nothing has been a blessing for both of us. I'm dealing with the emotional scares and he calls when he has the time to spare to talk with his child. The courts are only involved as far as the child support goes and he's finally realizeing that child support is more important then gambling the money away. I'm moving on with our life and continued on with my education so I'll be able to provide more stability for us. I have never let our daughter feel as if any of this was her fault and she's starting to make more new friends now. It wasn't easy but we are getting there. I hope that some of this might help you.
As long as they don't put their son in the middle of any of their disputes and he knows that he's able to express how he is feeling, that's the most important part.

um, my ex always tell my children they will have to choose which is BULLCHIT. The judge will decide, as they are too young to make that decision, second of all, they have lived with me since day one. . .unfortunatley my x antics has the kids in a tizzy, which i have to unravel everytime they return home. However I do remind my children that most kids come from divorced homes, although not all of them, many do, and they are realizing a lot of the kids at their school have a step parent or have already gotten accustomed to having divorced parents. Not that it's ok, or any easier, but it helps a little that they are not alone and if their friends can survive, it gives them hope.

What is marriage; from the bible is a holy link together which GOD himself finalize. Know this our first marriage is the best one anyone can have, go matter what happenes in marriage it is the step to happieness . It is out of stupidness that most of married ppl get divorce. Any way 4rm were i come 4rm divorce is nt encourage.
What to do in such problem, if ur parent are divorce go to them both remind them how they start the joruney of life the love they had. Make them understand that it wont do them good. That if they let themself to be destory by the devil plan yes is the devil plan to see mang family broken. Make them to table their problem and slove it. Tell them is a sin 4 a man to leave his wife or a woman to leave her husband according tothe holy book(bible), remind the what theY said at the alta to death us do apart in sickness and in health.

Hogwash! What does it say about beating your wife, or raping your children...then we submit to our husbands yeah!

Hello OP,

I am finishing a degree in family counseling and I can tell you what I learned about divorce and children.

When such a dramatic event happens, most children will think these things:

- That he may be responsible for the breakup in one way or another (this is because at this age, the brain is wired to think that everything is centered around self, this is a natural assumption every kid will have)

- That his parents may leave him (if my parents loved each other so much and they can breakup and leave each other, then it means even when they tell ME they love me, they could also break up from ME and leave me all alone and stranded)

These two ideas MUST BE countered with some deep listening and compassion and discussions. You can help your cousin tremendously by:

1) Listening to his fears without waiving them off, so that he can get them out of his chest
2) reassuring him that it's NOT about him, it has nothing to do with him, and both his parents love him as much as before
3) telling him that they will NEVER stop being his parents and will never stop loving him, even if they are divorcing. (and tell him you won't ever leave him either of course!)
4) meeting with each parent individually and show them this message, and let them know that they must have a serious talk with their son to tell them the above things and reinforce them over and over in the next months.

Good luck!

Thank You Conscious Soul, I am dealing with this right now. My children feel very much responsible. I try to listen to them and be receptive to their feelings and I am constantly trying to reassure them that there is nothing that they have done wrong to cause the events that have happened. But still their fragile lil brains are confused. Thanks for sharing that insightful piece.

my daughter was with her kids dad on and off for 10yrs
she had her son at 14 and her daughter at 17
she graduated 1yr early and the top of her class
my daughter is now 28yrs old and had her youngest daughter 5yrs ago
she got married to there kids dad 1month before she found out she was pg with the youngest...
i have to say he wasent really a provider nor was he that great of dad for he never played ball with any of the kids..
he was a very depressed man so he slept
he was recovering drug addict and alcoholic which of course didnt change even after he went to treatment.
i had told her i felt he was going to brake his probation and go back to jail.. i was right he got busted 7 days before he was to be released off probation.. he got in trouble with his brother and they both were served 3yrs. well his brother got out he did not. he got in trouble while he was there and has another 3yrs to go..
and if you want to know why my daughter is still ,married to him.. she not she filed for the divorce and it just got granted last month.
my youngest granddaughter only knows her dad by the pics for the last time she saw him was when she was 1yrs old

my daughter is now in a hopeful relationship and expecting her 4th child...
the guy that she is with has a full time job and has no criminal record and i can say as long as my daughter and grandkids are happy thats a plus..

i have no clu what she saw in her ex hubby but she saw something that we didnt..

The confusion is normal and the best way to address it is to use active listening. Have you ever used this technique?
You can google it. You can also purchase this book to help you:
"Parent Effectiveness Training", from Dr. Thomas Gordon.

I am always happy to help. If you have more questions, don't hesitate to post them or to email me.