This is a tough one. Recently separated, she's had issues for years, I developed them too. Only she figured it out first and rather than work with me, she left. I have codependent issues and she does. But she won't talk now and says in a month maybe she'll talk. But there's another guy. So I am a little messed up over it. I am going to a therapist over the breakup and I was just to the point I was dealing with it and thinking about dating. But then she lays this bombshell on me today on what her therapist told her and what she said about me. So I started doing a lot of research. I'm talking like in almost all day long. Yeah I have codependent issues, I thought it was love. But she seems more narcissitic than codependent. However, she said that's what her therapist said.

So, my question is, can the two of us, work on whatever it is and can we get back together if we do? More importantly, is there something I can do to show her I forgive the cheating, don't care, don't care about this breakup and would like the opportunity to see about working it out and helping each other fix our mental health issues?

Or am I dreaming and she'll never give me a shot or am I stupid and I shouldn't give her the shot and take her back?

I thought I had it worked out and was going to start dating again. But now I'm confused and figure if it was a mental health issue and there are legitimate reasons then they should be overcome and worked out, you don't dump someone over illness if that is what is causing their actions right?

Geez I'm lost now.

We tried to work it out. We went to the counsellor. She didn't think the counsellor knew what she was talking about. I thought the counsellor was interesting. I was polite because I didn't want to get in an argument with my wife. It only happened when I tried to communicate with her so I learned to keep quiet. My wife told me I had issues. I believed her. Thanks to the divorce I have been able to work on them because I think communication is important.

some really good points. I'm just so confused now. I did get a lot out of the relationship for years. Then she changed. Then it got rough and then I changed. She got worse and I got worse. But it was all due to these mental health issues of the codependence. I can see that and see why she did what she did and why I did what I did. Nothing violent mind you. Just that we were hurting each other and couldn't fix ourselves. Didn't know something was wrong.

So my thought is if it's mental, then she's not responsible because she never would have done this a couple years ago. Neither would I have hurt her or give her the cold shoulder or stupid arguments. So if that's the case, then we both should offer each other another shot once we work out our issues. I think.

But like the second post says, I didn't know I had a problem until she told me. So now do I have a problem or was it just love and my normal reaction to being hurt? I don't know. I know I would like what we had. But if it's not possible or my thinking is off or others have more insight then I can learn from others.

I'll be discussing it with my therapist this week but I just am trying to learn more. I thought I knew what I was going to do and now I haven't a clue and it's more cloudy than ever.

We have two kids too. I would like us to be a family again and can forgive transgressions under these strained circumstances. But I don't know if it's worth pursuing if she or I can't get over this codependency thing and it will just come back later and ruin us worse next time. That is if she even does say lets give it a shot. I have no clue what she will say a few weeks from now.

Thanks for the comments so far. Hope to get more people weigh in on this one.

I hope you get others to respond.

Step 12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, especially alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

My counsellor did marriage counselling and alcohol/drug abuse counselling. Most people when they think of the word 'affair' think of an extracurricular outside marriage activity.

Affair may refer to professional, personal, or public business matters or to a particular business or private activity, as in family affair, a private affair, or a romantic affair.

When the counsellor had us in her office privately we related about alcoholism. We were both there about our son's drug addiction. I am not sure what my wife talked to the counsellor about in private but guess it was about co-dependency.

No.

Two co-dependents will each feed their insecurities and just wind up sicker than before.

Been there, done that.

Its a train wreck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ain't that the truth. I think that is why my mother-in-law kept telling us that we needed to grow up and why my father-in-law was such a good friend.

Yes, that is why we are separated and she don't want to try right now. We were a train wreck. However, she is working on her issues and I am now working on mine. Are you saying that therapy and counseling will not end the disorder and both of us are doomed to be codependent always? If that's the case there is no hope for a lasting relationship on mutual love, it will always be about needs.

I think that is awesome that you two are both working on your separate issues. For some separations to work time is needed. Absence can make the heart grow fonder. That is how we got our second child. I have looked at it from the dependent, independent and interdependent angle. I have had dependants. We were interdependent with others when we were separated. Independence from each other is what we got with the second divorce. Co-dependent can be where two can be dependent on each other but that takes a lot of work on both sides. There can be more than just one side to a story.