Philosophy

Phil O'Sophy is an Irish drunkard who was born in the year 1111. He is commonly confused with Dr. Phil and philosophy, but he is neither stupid nor intelligent enough to be either. First off, he hates Commies. Secondly, he hates Scottish people. Thirdly, he hates the year 1927, because it's popular and it calls him fat and spits gum in his hair.

A common misconception is that he huffs kittens. This is untrue. He prefers to bath in ether and shoot up absinthe. He would never stoop so low as to huff a kitten; he is far too busy burning down mosques and smiting chickadees against the Blarney Stone.

He also, being a professional drunk, drinks.

There are many reasons he does and doesn't do things. One is spite, another is that inside he is a cold, lonely drunk. Don't touch him, or he'll hobo-knife you.

Also, because he has crooked teeth and is insecure about it.

He mostly hates Commies at Commies, though he occasionally hates them at the Pope. He hates Scottish people in the presence of Rastafarian monks, Jewish lawn gnomes and Uzbekistani prisoners of war.

He does these things between the hours of 5am and 9pm on Monday to Thursday, and between 4am and 11pm on Friday and Saturday. Sunday is his too-drunk-to-do-things day.

With the assistance of his sidekicks, Dr. Evil and The Canadian Tire Guy, he does many things. None of them are homosexual, according to him.

http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Phil_O%27Sophy

What if cat was really spelled d-o-g?

Walnuts. And their affiliation with regular nuts.