Hi guys.

I just joined and have been reading around for the past couple of hours, getting a glimpse of the faces and the minds behind them, and hoping to find a good spot for the "question" I want to ask, but I didn't find any perfectly suitable existing topic, so here I am boldly opening one as my first post.

The thing is, I'm an introvert. I've been like this clearly since age 6, but I only recently really understood what being an introvert really means. It means being part of a minority, it means my brain works pretty differently compared to most people, it means a lot of "big" things like that. Until recently I didn't know these things, tried to behave like an extrovert (i.e. like most people out there), failed miserably, and suffered a lot.

So when I discovered that being an introvert is not a condition but an orientation (kind of like being gay, but a lot subtler), I was relieved: I'm not sick, I'm not an alien, it's ok to not like the crowds, the noise, the small-talk, the sports, the excitement, whatever - it's just that we're thinkers and we enjoy quiet.

Back in the day when I still hadn't had this epiphany, I used to want a girlfriend "like everyone else", couldn't get one because no girl wants an unactractive, nerdy, needy boyfriend who tries hard to be fun and outgoing and fails miserably, so I've been a wreck for a *very* long time (let's say until I hit 26).

Then I found a gorgeous girl who liked me for who I am, I was totally committed, but the relationship didn't last long (I'll spare the gloomy details) and my heart was pretty much annihilated. That was 6 years ago.

Most people recover from a failed relationship in a couple months, for introverts like me it may require a tad bit longer, but 6 years is a heck of a lot of time, too much by any standards.

And I want my life back.

Back in the day, I used to think I was the best guy around: everybody told me I was smart, everybody told me I was nice, I was many people's best confident... and of course I couldn't figure out why I wasn't on any girl's radar despite being so very great.

Today I have a different view of myself. I think that I unwillingly "sold" a lof of BS to a lot of people for most of my life: my "niceness" really was just the reflection of my christian education (I'm Italian, we've got the Pope in our backyard) so once I figured that out I rejected the big pile of BS and tried hard to be just my true self. Too bad I don't have the slightest clue about the whole "true self" thing: I've always been someone else, programmed to be nice. I've always been a fraud, even to myself.

But I know I want to be a "caring" man: because I know I can, because I feel I want it, and because I feel good when someone feels good thanks to me.

I don't know how to do it, though. I've completely lost touch with *all* my feelings. My soul dwells in utter darkness. I'm not sad, I'm not depressed, of course I'm not happy either: it's just dark. I have a job I like very much, so much that I enjoy making my co-workers like it too: I like to give my best so they can smile in gratitude. I don't like the praise, I just like the smiles.

I'm not a lost soul: there really are good things in my life -- but I want the old fire back.

Like everyone, I want intimacy. Unlike everyone, I can do without almost fine for a very long time. I want my passion back, and I want others to feel it -- a true passion this time, not the "nice guy" programming. I've learnt from my mistakes and I think I'm ready, but I feel like there's one last important thing left to learn, and I don't know what it is.

So I was just wondering if there were any people like me, but who already managed to sort things out and turned to be happy introverts. Any direction would be appreciated, 'cause you know, once you've found out you're not who you think you were, it feels like it's pitch dark.

Sorry if I took a non-negligible amount of your time, but I said what I had to say and I promise my next posts *will* be shorter. On the other hand, I thank you for having read this far: if you haven't cheated by skipping to the last line, I really do appreciate the "care".


One last thing though: I looked at MelodyGirl's profile (because she's an active member of course, not just because she looks awesome) and found this:

«WHY AM I SINGLE? I don't want baggage, dysfunction, or drama in my life. It's OK to be single until a person finds the right one for them. I don't understand why people think they NEED love or to have a relationship. Be comfortable and successful alone - then ask someone to join you in life.»

Now THAT's enlightening. I'll be thinking about it in the next few days, but that made me feel kinda good.

you are a very passionate person...

just follow your heart and listen to the still quiet voice within

interesting post...Im also and introvert and Im often amazed at how that is generally confused with being shy..I am anything but shy..but do tend to keep my feelins to myself.

Sounds like you are just disconnected from your own feelings...work on that first and the rest will follow....

There's nothing wrong with being an introvert. I am for the most part, and what little I'm not is still mostly online, or having to deal with animals in general.

Hobbies that interest you, can also help give you something to discuss with other like-minded folks, and give you a way to offset the introvertedness with a little chit-chat. Helps break the ice.

Sounds like you might want to talk to a professional about this. I have bipolar disorder and much of what you are saying sounds familiar.

When someone feels depressed they usually want to hide from the world. You made statements like "I have lost touch with all my feelings" and "my soul dwells in utter darkness"...those are red flags to me that require attention from a doctor.

Now I am not saying a doctor or medication will turn you into an extrovert but it can help you feel more at ease with the outside world where you can participate more with outside activities. I keep to myself usually but I am able to go out and have a good time.

I hope you find what you seek though regardless if you take my advice or not.

Well, I'm glad I found some fellow introverts - though it was an easy win I think.

I like the Spock comparison: it's the kind of character I look like in real life (minus the pointy ears of course). In the past I was perhaps more like Leonard Hofstadter, but yes, I'm disconnected from my emotions. I don't know why or how it happened though: I didn't do it on purpose. I guess I was traumatized, but I should be long healed now, and the whole point of my quest for "caring" is that I think I'm a good-hearted person, and part of my life would be wasted without emotions. But I don't know how to "restart the engine": is it broken? Does it need fuel? That I don't know and I wish I did.

Of course I can't bore (and scare!) people with such existential questions, that's why I'm here. It's been a long time since I've opened up with strangers on line, and it's a welcome comeback - especially because this time it's in English, a language I love.

I agree that introversion is often confused with shyness, and I'm amazed about how little understanding there is about who we introverts are, and how we're different. For my first 28 years or so I was so imbued with with wrong judgments that I didn't even understand myself because people around didn't understand me. Then I started not to care anymore, and then after some reading came the epiphany.

I think it's great being an introvert: now that I know my strengths, I wouldn't want to be anyone else. I think we are the ones who can bring balance and compassion in society. Throw one of us in a group, wait until he gets accepted and starts to count, and watch how he makes things better: that's how I see us folks.

And that's why I want my caring potential back. I've had enough of learning for learning's sake, but I feel really awkward around people nowadays.

Like I said, I want passion, but I can't find any and it's frustrating. Most people are plain dull until you *extort* interesting things out of them (and I don't want to do it), and as for me I've been doing all sorts of cool things lately, like playing keyboards, riding motorcycles, sailing boats, flying planes (see a pattern here? these are all things that take some effort to learn), but alas, not a single one of them is my one real passion.

I somehow envy (it's not true envy because I have no feelings, but it's sort of a "rational" envy) those folks who have a one track mind. They ride motorcycles, and they talk about about motorcycles all the time. But they talk with passion, and people listen to them and like them and care about them, to the point of finding their one-way-mindedness cute and attractive. Me, on the other hand, it's more like “oh, yeah, and I fly planes, too”. But it's not my passion, and sadly (again, in a rational kind of sadness), nothing is.

It's like I've got a lot of good pieces placed on my puzzle, but the most important ones are still laying around somewhere.

Thanks for the tip, but that part has already been taken care of.

I've been in treatment for about 5 years, and I have to admit that my shrink helped me keep my sanity in the tougher times. But lately I also feel we've come at the end of our rope and that she's done everything she could - that's why I'm turning to other people, for other things.

And yes, maybe what I've said might sound a little dramatic, but if you read it in a rational way, darkness is nothing to be feared, per se. And that's what's going on in my skull: I just can't see a thing, but it just feels wrong, not anguishing.

You've come to the right place to find fellow introverts, an internet dating site =)

Being one is not all bad, it's just it takes it's toll in the relationship department. I've been in a few good long-term relationships, but it's my lack of joy and passion that seems to bring them to an end.

Hehe, I chose this site because I stumbled upon it by chance and it looked just like how I always fancied a dating site should be: free (i.e. without the "supermarket logic"), fun, and with an open forum where people can discuss whatever they like. Isn't this just brilliant? I think this site is a rare gem, and if it didn't exist already, I would invent it myself just like this.



Now *this* is interesting and opens a big topic I've been thinking a lot about. “Lack of joy and passion”, you say, but what if we introverts live joy and passion differently? Does it have to always be all cheers and laughs? Or can it also be warm smiles? And what about intellectual passion, doesn't that count a little bit?

I take it that we often are melancholic folks, but what if it's just because most people don't understand us? I for one don't want to be like that just because people see me like that.

Well, I'm about as introverted as you can get and still live on an inhabited planet.

And I wouldn't exactly say I'm "happy" with that, but I can live with it -- my reality is that, of all the relationships I've been in, there isn't a single one I wouldn't delete from my history (and memory) if given the opportunity to do so.

I keep going back to "it's more trouble than it's worth." And it always is.

In the end, yes, I'd love to find someone compatible. I don't think any such person exists. I'm open to the possibility, but doubtful of the likelihood.

And again, I'd rather be alone than be with yet another wrong person.

I think I can agree with your mindset: I find mine to be pretty similar, except for the part where I'd gladly get into another wrong relationship, of course not knowing it in advance.

In other words, I'd gladly live the illusion again, but it's kinda hard, perhaps because my experience taught me well how to spot incompatible people pretty quickly... but still, I'm tired of sitting around and doing nothing but attending just to my survival and not my happiness. I'm glad I'm here so I can talk with new people and gather new ideas: in a way it's better than finding yet another useless date and be gone and back at square one again.

BTW, I just read your profile and found it funny. I too am big on self-irony, but I find it depressing that many small-minded people take self-irony as weakness. It's soooo dull. For what it's worth, reading your profile cracked more than a smile, and I think you're the kind of guy I'd like to hang around with -- no more than once every two months though, because I'm an introvert and that's how much I socialize.

Introverted since childhood but a lot more social, today. At least I don't feel like bubble boy, today. Thanks to rehab the god complex is something I can deal with. Sometimes I miss the bubble because with it I could create whole worlds in my head and have complete conversations with people long after they left. All I needed then was just the committee which filled in the blanks because there was so many voices. Growing up people were constantly saying, "Earth to Roy; Come in Roy." I guess I ignored them just like I had to when all the voices started to talk at once. It was like geez I can't possibly hear all of you and try to answer you back. Rehab sure helped me a lot.

So, Darth, have you noticed any difference with real introversion and artificial introversion? Or have you experienced both? I experienced the real with growing up and the artificial with the use of mind controlling drugs. When I was in high school my mom had got a call from the school counselor saying that they thought her son, me was on drugs. I had never used drugs at that time. That was the real introversion. Later though while being admitted to detox this guy who I thought was a narcotics agent but really was just a member of A A asked me if I had ever taken mind controlling substances. I tried to be as honest with him as possible without giving my secret identity because we were told as addicts not to narc each other because it was bad karma. That was the artificial introversion. I guess I have had both version.

I think you are right in that, it's not that I lack joy & passion, it's that I express it differently than what most people expect, & maybe that I find joy in things that are not mainstream.

We think different, and because of that, we're often misunderstood.

Thanks -- a lot of people read my profile and totally miss the irony -- hence my somewhat after-the-fact confession to being an Arrogant Narcissistic Conceited Jerk © -- but I have a lot of fun with it regardless.

I learned a long time ago that there's no point in trying to please everybody -- most are NOT going to "get it" no matter how much you simplify -- but the ones who DO, ah, there are the real treasures in life....and there are a lot of them on this site....

Being an introvert is not an affliction. It's just a different way of seeing things. Social interaction is something that is a learned behavior. You learn it by practicing. Find something that you are interested in and then go to places where others have the same interests and practice.

I can't really say so... luckily, I guess. I have my good moments and I have my bad moments, but for those I tend to leave the "chemicals" out of the equation, for two (IMO) good reasons:

1. I never quite understood why people drink, smoke or do drugs, well knowing it's bad for the body. I could perhaps understand smoking, if one likes the taste of smoke (I don't, but I won't discuss tastes), so maybe it's killing you slowly, but if you like it, well what the hell, a life without pleasure ain't a life worth living. So I hate smoke, but I'm cool with the idea of smoking.

Drinking 'til you're smashed and doing drugs, that's a different thing though. I don't personally know anyone doing drugs except some dope occasionally, but I know several people who drink heavily. Why on earth would you do that? Do people really *enjoy* feeling sick, throwing up, crawling home and having an explosive headache the morning after? Life may suck at times, but when you're drunk it sucks even more, so what's the point? Note that I'm not criticizing or least of all condemning... I just don't understand and that's why I never got caught in that kind of addiction.

2. The other reason I don't play with my body's chemistry is that, well, my body already does it enough on its own. Sometimes I do feel the need to blast things out of my mind, maybe when I'm caught in a vicious circle of thoughts I can't get out of (happens quite often, alas). In those situations, I actively go seeking an addiction, and I usually have two options: one is working (I'm a bit of a workaholic), the other is playing video games.

Usually working helps me relax and not think about problems I can't solve (y' know, problems involving other people), but when I'm seriously down on morale, only video games really cut it. I usually prefer role-playing games games with a rich back story, so that for some hours I can pretend I'm someone else -- not my poor little insignificant self, but some badass on a mission to save the world or destroy it, both will do. Video games really rock on that department, plus I have the advantage that since they don't alter my chemistry significantly, eventually I get bored and go back living my life, so I don't really risk getting suckered in for too long. Just enough to "reset" my mind when I need it.


So I guess I can only speak about "real" introversion, but I've got tons of that.

I'm the same way -- I've lost a lot of people to alcohol, and I just don't want it (or anyone using it) in my life. Not worth the hassle.

And this makes it difficult in a venue such as this one -- there seem to be very few (if any) non-drinkers on dating sites. I can't fathom why destroying one's own brain cells has become such a popular pastime, but reading about a trillion dating site profiles has convinced me that many people have completely lost the ability to think for themselves anyway.

Smoking doesn't bother me, though. I don't know of any cases where someone smoked a pack of Marlboros and then plowed their car into a school bus.

Well, I'm about as introverted as you can get and still live on an inhabited planet.

And I wouldn't exactly say I'm "happy" with that, but I can live with it -- my reality is that, of all the relationships I've been in, there isn't a single one I wouldn't delete from my history (and memory) if given the opportunity to do so.

I keep going back to "it's more trouble than it's worth." And it always is.

In the end, yes, I'd love to find someone compatible. I don't think any such person exists. I'm open to the possibility, but doubtful of the likelihood.

And again, I'd rather be alone than be with yet another wrong person.




I am an extrovert but I have to agree with you that I would rather be alone than to be with yet another wrong person. However that being said; I love the company of people in general so I enjoy the socializing I can do in various clubs. My brother was very introverted and joined Toastmasters which did him a world of good. The nice thing about clubs is you need not be an extrovert to enjoy or fit in. I truly hope you find what you are looking for OP and best of luck to you. Cheers