I think I always operated under the assumption that one of the positive things about a relationship was that it created a scenario in which two people could mutually enhance the quality of each other's lives. I don't know where this idea came from, exactly, but it made a kind of superficial sense to me.

But the reality of it, for me anyway, is that everyone I've been with has made my life significantly worse -- not all the time, but, on balance, the scale tips far more toward the negative than the positive.

And, reading the threads about people putting up walls and such, it got me to thinking about the reality of "Better Vs. Worse." Because, as much as I'd like to think that this "mutual life enhancement/mutual support system" is a viable possibility, I have a hard time imagining what a partner could do for me that would actually make my life better.

I should clarify that statement -- it's not like I'm living any sort of ideal life -- quite the opposite! My life is something of a mess right now, in many areas. And there are certainly things that I imagine someone could do for me that would be helpful.

I just can't imagine anyone doing any of those things within the parameters of a relationship context. I just can't imagine anyone coming into my life with something to offer.

Not that I'm trying to be perfect or anything -- but I feel I have a LOT to offer someone, and it always seems that my relationships end up with me doing all of the offering....! So maybe I've just made lots and lots of bad choices of who to get mixed up with, and I think I'd have to admit to that.

But if there isn't anyone out there who brings anything to the table, if they expect me to do all of the giving, all of the listening, all of the caretaking, then where's my incentive to bother anymore? Isn't it supposed to be a 2-way street? (But then, who gets to rule on the "supposed to"?)

Because, in the end, if everybody I get involved with is only going to make my life worse, I'm better off staying single.

It should be a two way street problem is many did not get the hand book describing what a relationship entails.......

To me if it is all a one way street then it is not long before I tell them to take their happy azz that way --------------------> as I go the opposite direction. Beside someone expecting me to give all and they give nothing the ones that whine make me and walk away............

But..........I still believe somewhere out there is the one that we are all compatible with. They may not be a perfect match in every way but one that we enjoy really being with and the little difference will work themselves out..........

But one must be open for you may find that person within someone that you never expected it from...........

I did not realise love and relationships were about what I could offer someone or what they could offer me.........I thought it was about enjoying each others company loving one another despite circumstances, or lack there of.......but that is me.........and even though I have love and lost the positives and negatives were worth it to me.......

For sure I can not say that any past relationship was all negative. I have left each one of them with something positive and they all have made me a better person seeing things in the end I did not see prior..........No regrets here from a single past relationship...........

Have to agree with seakolony here... Love is the single biggest thing either can offer the other and trumps pretty much everything else. The kind of love that gives you reason to come home at night, that you would gladly sacrifice all that you have to accommodate.

I can't speak from experience on that, since I've never been in anything that didn't turn out to be totally one-sided.

But it seems to me -- is this just sheer naivete or stupidity? -- that if you truly loved them, you would want to make their life better, brighter, more fun, more interesting, more comfortable. Maybe that was where I made my mistake.



Not that there's anything wrong with that -- but, given the option, I would gladly erase every relationship I've ever been in. I guess it's all in one's history and perspective....

I believe that sometimes our perspectives get very one-sided, especially when it remains a painful or hurtful emotion or memory.....and in our own mind the negativity overshadows any positives we have received within the relationship, due to our injured emotional states..........I had that mentality once upon a time until, I sat down and looked at each one and tried to focus on just the positives, when you do that you find your learnt behavior patterns and postives do exist in everything, even out of negative incidences that happen in your life, be it cancer like our lovely Roberta, or Fear learning to remaster his steps................No one has ever been in your life romantically, want to see you happy, or surprise you with anything out of love, Lex????

I do not think this is stupidity or even naivete, but maybe that when you do love someone and you give your all and have not felt that you were loved back equally? I have to agree that I would hope that the next partner in my life would make my current lonely situation better by providing a few laughs and not be there to make things worse by being a lump, grump, drunk. Lex, it is hard to wear your heart out in the open, because there are unscrupulous folks that use that fact against you.

Sometimes its not you, it is the other person. Sometimes it does no good to ask why, instead just accept who you are and forget the negitivity that comes in your path.

"What I want is to be needed. What I need is to be indispensable to somebody. Who I need is somebody that will eat up all my free time, my ego, my attention. Somebody addicted to me. A mutual addiction."

That's Mr. Palahniuk's take.


I look at relationships as a constant learning experience. The more I seek something out the more it eludes me. The more expectations I have the less they are fulfilled.

Overall I think you have to like being around somebody. The only way that any of my ex's has made my life worse is by enabling me to do the stupid things I enjoy and not wanting me to be true to myself out of fear I'd leave them.

Yeah... I got nothin'. But I don't think it's measurable. I think a relationship just... is. The more you try to define it the less real it becomes in that sense.

I like that... sort of a plastic_pancakes uncertainty theory of relationships.

I won't deny being guilty of overgeneralizing -- all I can say is that, when everyone you get involved with demonstrates the exact same behaviors as every other one, you may start to wonder if any other behaviors are even possible.



And both of them have impressed the hell out of me, and I admire them very much. And I think they know that!

There's a point, though -- in my experience -- where you have to accept that the positive/negative ratio is simply so overwhelmingly on the bad side that you have to reevaluate the whole thing. I mean, if every time you drove down Oak Street, someone shot a window out of your car, how long would it take before you stopped driving down Oak Street? Three times? A dozen? Ninety-four? Not even addressing the issue of cause and effect, just seeing this same thing happening time and time again.



It's never been about that. It's about what I can do for them. Period.

It is sad that so many are out for themselves only and it really ruins it for those that deserve to have those that really put their all in a relationship.......

This perfectly defines what I want out of a relationship but have never experienced.
Reality is like Lex says "not all the time, but, on balance, the scale tips far more toward the negative than the positive."

You'll always have me, Lex.

Well, there is the distance thing....

I can drive.

First relationship thread where the problem was solved on page 1.

Hi Lexi!

I don't it's so much a matter of what folks can do for one another or what they bring to the table, but rather it's about the sudden spring in my step, smile on my face, joy in my life, and love in my heart that profoundly enriches my life.

Lex,

I have a better question for you. Instead of focusing on what others can offer, try thinking about what you want from them. I have had people come into my life bringing gifts I didn't even know I needed. Better or worse is so black and white don't you think?

The people that have come into your life have made it significantly worse? Really? They haven't taught you things? Opened your mind to different experience? Changed who you were or how you saw things?

Even my most painful experiences have taughte me things and made me a better me. Sometimes maybe that's all we get. And sometimes maybe the experience makes us better.

A world of black or white, better or worse, is to absolute and you really could miss the color.