The whole point of this thing is for people to throw their thoughts in here, long-winded or otherwise! (I, personally, prefer long-winded, as you know from my profile.)



I have had a similar problem. I studied psychology for a long time, partly because I had the wish to help people; I saw a lot of people with serious issues while I was growing up, and I thought it would be good for me to learn something that might help me help them deal with things. Not that I was ever entirely altruistic! -- I had a keen desire to try to understand people better, to be able to interpret behaviors and such.

But one side effect of all this training is that I became known as the guy who solves problems, the guy everybody talks to, etc. That was fine. But there was a point when the "role" sort of took over, and I lost the ability to function very well outside of it. I could talk to people for hours about their problems but lost the ability to say anything about my own.



In a relationship context, I can't really address this particular point on a personal level. I've never been in a relationship where someone really did much of anything for me. They might fake it, in the very beginning, but things would inevitably degenerate into a wholly one-sided arrangement within a few months. It took me a long time to realize that this was not exactly what I wanted.



I used to wander around blithely believing that someday I would stumble into a nice little "reciprocal" scenario. Never happened. Never will, most likely. I really don't mind being a giver 95% of the time, but the takers want to take 140% of the time. There's an imbalance.



I think it would be difficult for me to learn how to accept, but I think I could do it. Of course, this is all hypothetical, since there isn't anyone around who would be looking for something like that, anyway. I've pretty much resigned myself to the inevitability of the goatification agenda regardless of who I get mixed up with!

Logic dictates you stay single, but logic is sometimes wrong.

I'm sure there are many women that swoon over a guy like you, unfortunately they live 896,000 miles away from you. I really think you would enjoy one of the coasts either East or West, because lets face it, man...where you are now is a burning tire-pit of despair, depression, and a very high suicide rate.

For sure -- Illinois was bad, Indianastan is just as bad, if not worse; my problem is, as I've never spent any time on either of the coasts, how do I know it would really be any different?

OK, environment is a big factor, yes -- but I'm not exactly the most outgoing, social type person, either. Even if I found a place where everyone didn't feel the need to let the TV do their thinking for them, I'm still not sure I could find a viable way to meet real people....

Well, that is for you to weigh out. If it isn't that big of a deal to you, roll around and see if you find someone, if it is a big deal...move somewhere there is bound to be far more people that will fit into your style. Because honestly, Indiana would have killed me for as long as you have lived there, and if I hadn't made it out of Illinois by the first of the year...I would have shot myself.

I'm not really in a position to speak on what you should do, I'm just throwing some recommendations out there. Besides, I could stalk you easier if you lived closer to me...wait, that came out wrong...

I think it is really tempting to blame the place u r in - as in where u live - instead it is prolly more helpful to look at the place u r in emotionally. R u making ur self emotionally unavailable? we all do sometimes. and when we do that it makes it hard to be open to letting others in - which is what it takes to start a relationship - or even meet someone

I am not criticizing u - I do that ^ myself - just not sure why

But then it would be harder for Eileen to stalk me. You can't please all your stalkers, that's what my horoscope said yesterday....

Really, I would just like to find someone who isn't exactly the same as the last 94 disasters I've been involved with. Is that too much to ask? Maybe it is; maybe there isn't anyone out there who isn't a disaster. It's like asking if I'm more likely to see a brown dog or a purple stegosaurus....I've seen millions of brown dogs and not one purple stegosaurus in my entire life -- so which am I more likely to run into from here on out....??

It's a bad analogy but it's the best I can do on short notice....

This is a good point, and I'd like to address it.

I have been guilty of the "emotionally unavailable" thing at times.

But in my last relationship, I tried really hard to fix that. This was with someone who was incredibly intelligent, amazingly creative, just everything I ever wanted in a partner (except for her inability to make up her mind about whether she wanted to be in a relationship or not -- 10 years later and that question still hasn't been answered!) -- and I think maybe one of the reasons it didn't work was because I wasn't the same person she had become "used to" for so many years previously....

Now, the point is somewhat moot because there is no one to make myself emotionally available to -- I mean, I think I could do it, if there was someone around to do it for, if that makes any sense. But I don't know anyone here and the people are not exactly friendly here.

Well, they have this thing called Google now and you can go on and research communities all across the country!

Sorry, hate to be a wiseass, but like you, I am what I am.



Again, you have a country full of friends that you've made here on Mingle. I'm sure MANY would be willing to hang with you if you lived near them, in real life! Fear's on board obviously. Others? Feel free to let Lex know.

It might be a tad bit DIFFICULT for the rescuer to ask for a small dose of rescuing, but it might just lead you out of misery.

I've studied quite a bit of psychology too my friend.

I agree with hmlover plastic - u got something very valuable in these ideas for such a young paduwan. Bestimmt (german) that like a butterfly, love eludes the persistent pursuit, and be it best, I think, to put ur arms around ur lover than around a defintion of what u have.

as soon as we try to define love, relationships, they become the changeling almost in a seeming deliberate affort to make us look bold and stupid for our efforts.

Oh, and BTW, nothing is measurable - it the null, zero, the place before postive integers begin and before negative integers also- I think of it as the absence of breath

I do not know where u live, but I moved to the midwest from the east coast many years ago and often felt that despite the passing of time, I have never been able to totally "localize" myself here. I am mos def culturally different but it is hard to explain - values, education, modes of interaction here are distinctly midwest...but I go 2 hours into Kentucky (from Ohio), and it's like being back east in Lexington cos the people are so friendly. I am confused about why it is so hard for me to feel at home in place I've lived for 25 yrs..silly So in some ways , I know what u mean.

As far as ur old GF, who knows??? Maybe u tried too hard & she took u for granted with that game of I don't know if I want a realtion...blah blah blah. that's bullsh*t if it goes on for more than a few days - IMO

You are on the right track! This is exactly what I can't understand why the majority of the people still believe that there is one who supposed to be giving the benefits while the other is only enjoying it.

I guess, many thinks, that a relationship is either a financial aid or a retirement option.



You have to gotta find someone who is interested in the same idea of life that you want to live , but at the same time she is not a "yes sir" but more like someone who isn't afraid to criticize you. The problem is finding someone on your level of sophistication or you just gonna end up with someone who will bore you to death or you start to see the person as someone who isn't worth enough for any sort of serious discussions and eventually you will feel nothing towards her.



While it's hard to drop being a harsh critic and after a certain amount of time invested of browsing profiles and trying to figure out people by what they post (if they ever even post) it could be a disappointing experience for anyone who is looking for 30 flavors, instead of the same old vanilla ice cream offered everywhere. What I noticed is, that since people have a herd mentality, and even the ones with a higher intellectual score will try to go along with the herd and first they won't show all about themselves, so they show themselves as "just like anyone" , for the very same reason of not being able to find someone who is more suited for them. So in desperation they will try to lure the regular run-of-the mill people, but since that's pretty much just a self-delusion and lying to themselves, they will keep getting the wrong dates who will never gonna going to interest them or get that flame rise up.

Sometimes you will get a sweet unexpected surprise though, and it usually involves drilling the person a little harder about herself to show her true colors, but once they feel comfortable enough to let themselves go and drop the mask, it's all good!




You need a strong critic, but not someone who will just say things or do things, but someone who will make you re-think your own ideas and your ways of doing things. The trick is, that as you said before, not someone who will try to shape you or make you a "goat", but more like doing something on her own, being an individual and you would find it surprising and as an example and you'd change some things about by yourself, by being that person influential enough, so it's not her who is telling you what to do, but you would be following her as a leading example.




Because the one you were before couldn't do anything with all the things you offered. I've been there. They are simply not interested or just can't understand it in the first place. You will either end up being misunderstood or she is gonna look at you like you just came from the Vega star system.



As I said, because it seems like, according to your experience you only dealt with those who couldn't even make a sense of you. Some might have been nice and just allowed you to say all the things and listened, but they were just pretty much either pretending or had nerves of steel or were afraid to tell you that they aren't interested.

I did that before the last time I moved to Illinois. The information I got turned out to be wildly inaccurate. Maybe it's because the sort of environment that would appeal to me is not necessarily what a "normal" person might be looking for -- I'm not sure.



The last thing I want to do is burden someone else with my problems. While it's true that a relocation might actually be a good thing, I'm just not in a position to do it right now.



For sure -- I've never been good at that. I've always been the one who got asked for help, not the one who asked. And I've lived the kind of life to where, for the most part, I didn't really need a lot of help -- I've kept life simple, uncomplicated, mostly manageable. So a situation like this is practically alien territory.



It's a valuable thing, in a lot of ways.

Or "I want you to fix all of my problems while I figure out how to reconfigure you into the person I want you to be." That's not exactly win-win.



And here we have, as Frank Zappa might say, the crux of the biscuit. There is nobody like that. Nobody understands the life that I want to live. It's as if they're so molded into the traditional cardboard mindset that anything else is inherently abhorrent and/or unthinkable.

And you're right about the "yes sir" types -- I've run into enough sycophants to start a soccer league.



You've just described all of my past girlfriends (including my ex-wife) except one.



That's a good metaphor. It's hard to find someone who thinks "outside the box" when the rest of the people don't even know there is a box....



As a devout Nietzschean, I understand the herd mentality all too well. The herd is safe, if bland and directionless. Some of us need a little more intellectual stimulation.



I've tried to make it clear that I'm totally not interested in anybody who falls into any of the "normal" categories, but it hasn't done much good. People read my profile; some of them write to me (usually to complain, because they like to take my preferences and standards as being set up solely to exclude them, as if I even knew they existed before they wrote to me!), but most of them don't write because I think they understand there's really no point.

It occurs to me, though, that there really are no non-regular non-run-of-the-mill people anywhere near me on any dating site I've ever tried. It's an assembly line around here. Henry Ford would be proud.



You could be right. I've never seen it. I've seen the mask dropped dozens of times -- and underneath, it's just a hamster running and running and running in one of those little wheels....



You're right, but who's going to do that?

There are two things that every woman I've ever been involved with has said to me -- "You're the smartest person I've ever met" and "You're the first guy who ever took the time to listen to what I had to say." No one ever challenges me....just for the hell of it, I once told a girlfriend that the builders of the Sears Tower in Chicago had installed a force field around the bottom of the building so that no one could commit suicide by jumping off the top. The force field would catch the jumper before he could hit the ground. Not only did she believe me, but she told all her friends about it.

I thought it was funny at the time!



I don't think it is physically/mentally/emotionally/whateverly possible for a woman to not try to turn me into a goat. I think it's built into their nucleotide sequences.



I would love that. Hopefully someone will create one of those someday.



You're right, they never understand anything, really. They wonder why I don't give a damn about politics, why I don't want to have kids, why I don't drink or watch football games on TV or hang out with some sweaty hillbillies and work on old broken down pickup trucks all day. This is what a guy is "supposed to do." I never got that memo.



I think they were just initially fascinated by the fact that I was different -- but then realized that they were not going to be able to "fix" me, no matter how hard they tried....