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There's a quote I love....

"We never touch people so lightly that we do not leave a trace." Peggy Tabor Millin

I love this quote. Thank you. Now if we could all just remember to touch so gently as to leave a smile.

((Chrissy))

Oh, I've had that too. many times. There was always an ulterior motive. I usually didn't pick up on that part until much later, though. Eventually, I started assuming there was an ulterior motive from Day One, then beat myself up over not giving someone new a fair chance.

But it always turned out that there WAS an ulterior motive.

As far as what I want from someone, it really isn't all that much, the way I see it. Acceptance, communication, some understanding....but it's never about those things. It's about me rescuing someone from innumerable bad decisions they've made. I've been told I have a "rescuer complex," and I suppose that's true. But who does the rescuer turn to when he needs to be rescued? I don't know -- it always seems to be a one-way street.



They've taught me that it's foolish to trust or believe anyone in a relationship context. They've taught me that if they say they won't do something, they will do it. They've taught me that they will tell me what they think I want to hear until they feel safe doing a complete 180. They've taught me that my whole concept of two people being a team, a "You and me against the world," is foolish and ridiculous, something to be taken advantage of.

Yes, they've changed me. They've changed the way I see things. But I don't always like the results of those changes.



I'm not sure I'm really in a position to evaluate what's "better," in this instance. I think I have experienced a lot of things I would have been better off not having had to go through. From those, I learned I do not want to go through that sort of thing again. I think there's a practical limit to how much a person can assimilate.



Well, I do believe everyone is different, everyone is a separate and distinct person, with his/her own individual strengths and weaknesses, positives and negatives. I try to relate to people with that in mind. Just that, when the "R-word" kicks in, they all turn into carbon copies of the last x-number of dead end entanglements!

It's sounding to me like you need to do some Lex work. Why are you a rescuer? And how's that working for you? It is hard to look at ourselves and figure out why we make the choices we do or allow the behavior we do but that is the only way to initiate positive change.

Do you realize that over half the people who try to save a drowning victim end up being pulled under and drowning themselves? I know how much you love statistics (even if I made it up to prove a point).

Until you realize why you make the choices you do, you can't make better ones. People who need rescue often need it forever until they pull you under.

Yes, a good relationship is where both individuals are autonomous, but are supportive of each other and like to do things together; however, they still maintain themselves. (Just had a discussion today about this with a co-worker.)






Noone's life is perfect. And noone is expected to be perfect. It is when someone sees the other person, imperfections and all, and still cares, loves, and supports them! They don't expect each other to fix their imperfections.... they support them in their own personal journeys.



I know how you feel. Often I feel like I give and give in relationships and there is no give back.

Sometimes I wonder if this is a flaw in me. Like I am doing something wrong. That I am being too needy or clingy in expecting more. Could be. Or could be that I am not with the right person. *shrugs shoulders*



It may be better to be single. Even when someone comes around that you are interested in.... might be better to hang back.... observe.... not to rush into anything..... and see how supportive the other person is.... see if they are only in it for their own self-interests.... wait and see where their heart truly is.

Well, that's more or less what I was alluding to in the original post. That's how I always figured a relationship was supposed to be.

But I've never seen anything even remotely close to that in real life. So I'm starting to see the "Good Relationship" as something along the same lines as the Easter Bunny or the Tooth Fairy. A feelgood proposition with no foundation....



I've always tried avoiding rushing into anything, and now there's absolutely nothing to rush into anyway! No one has really elicited any interest from me since the end of 2008, and that was a thematic dead end -- as for the "supportive" aspect, I have never seen any of that in any of the relationships I've been in -- oh, there might be an occasional feigning of support or interest when they wanted/needed me to do something, but I have yet to see anything remotely resembling real support in real life.

My friends on this site have been far more supportive than anyone I've ever known in the real world.

Well, find a friend that is willing to kiss you!

Problem solved! J/K I know it isn't that simple.

It's sad, but since the car accident in Feb. of '09, I haven't met anyone in real life at all, let alone anyone interesting or potentially compatible. I guess I'm in a bad spot for that sort of thing....

One suggestion.... forget for a little bit about compatibility. Just live and let things unfold.

Aaah Lex. You know I gotta throw my long winded thoughts in here since I too seem to suffer from the rescuer mentality, which hasn't boded well for the few relationships I've had either.

I know for me personally, I have a very difficult time switching roles. I asked an ex a few years ago why we broke up way back when. We're still good friends and he surprised me with his answer. He said that no matter how much he tried to love me and take care of me, I resisted and pulled back emotionally from him. He knew by my actions towards him that I loved him, but my reactions to his love for me confused the hell out of him.

You see, I had no problems doing things for him, but when it came time to accept things, I didn't know how to handle it! It seemed strange to be on the receiving end for a change and apparently, although I didn't realize it then, he sensed that I was uncomfortable, which I was! He took this to mean that I didn't want his love and eventually he stopped trying. We split amicably but I always wondered why. Looking back, I know he was right. It was my fault.

Some people are givers. Some takers. Logically it makes sense for opposites to hook up, thereby giving you the lopsided relationship, because the giver's happy giving and the taker's happy taking. Unfortunately, the giver only has so much to give and the taker's needs are endless. Doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out how it goes bad eventually!

I suppose the answer lies in trying to do both, give and accept love. Once you can do that, maybe this two way street you talk of will be reopened to through traffic. You say you have much to give, but can you accept graciously in return?

Just a thought, albeit a multi-paragraph one!

Misswright, this was beautifully said. I wonder how we progress to learning how to do both?

Thank you Chrissy.

Beats the hell out of me but if you find out, post the instructions, pretty pleeeeeease!

Love the new look by the way.

Very good! Sometimes the best way you can show your love is to allow yourself to be loved. I think everybody needs both, whether they are aware of it or not.

MW, I'll be sure to let you know. I am determined to figure it out.

Thanks for the compliment. I'm not used to it yet and still miss my long hair but hey it's only hair. LOL

I think it looks awesome! At least it's not THAT short. I let my mom talk me into getting a Dorothy Hamill haircut when I was in fifth grade. I cried for the entire weekend and wore a Sox cap to school for three months! And that was before it was cool for girls to wear baseball hats.

And HM...wise words.

After my divorce, I was into the whole 'self-protection' thing and not terribly fond of the idea of dating ... then one night at a party I met the person who became the love of my life, best friend, lover, confidante, and best critic ever. We stayed togther for sixteen years after than until her death at the age of 52 in '08. She was unique person - an antiques dealer, attorney, and med tech. I, on the other hand, was a salesman, graphic designer, and musician. An odd mix, non? The thing we both recognized right away was that, because of our respective training, we both knew the power of words and how to use them. We made an agreement early on that, rather than use our training to score some fictitious 'point' in an argument, that there wasn't anything important enough to argue about, create hard feelings, and destroy our relationship. That worked quite well for us, and it became second nature to just agree to call a halt to any discussion that had the potential to get out of control rather than put words in the air that we couldn't take back afterward. Similar principle applied for things like birthdays, Christmas, etc - we'd just give each other gifts 'for no reason' during the year at random intervals and just celebrate birthdays / Christmas etc with dinners ... might not work for everyone, but it worked for us. If I'm real lucky, I'll meet someone who's looking for a similar type of relationship ...

So. Lex, in response to your dilemma, yes, it IS possible to meet that person who makes your life so much better 'cuz they're in it ... but it don't happen often, and it SURE don't happen fast. Good luck to you ...

I think Chrissy has a real good point. It's an old and fairly obvious observation that when the same thing happens over and over in relationships, that the common factor (yourself) is where the problem lies. NOT BLAMING YOU BY ANY MEANS! I don't even know you.
As a couple of people have said, you might be picking people based on factors that you don't realize until it's too late, mean that you get taken. It could also be that you yourself have an internal block that prevents YOU from appreciating things they DO do for you.
I don't know about your accident, being a relative newby here. Any chance it involved a minor head injury, that's depressing your outlook on life mechanically or chemically? I had to go on anti-depressants for a long time after my handicapped son was born (I probably should have had them before that, but that's another unnecessary story).

On a more general observation:
I know I grew up with expectations about love relationships being near magical, because of all the movies I saw. Love was always supposed to MAKE each person do cool things for each other, look out for each other, complement (note not compl-I-ment) each others' strengths and weaknesses. Once I got into them I found out pretty fast that there's a ton of WORK involved, with even the simplest, most straightforward relationship. I never found a girl who liked me like girls do in the OLD movies, doing a bunch of cool stuff for me, being supportive and near worshipful.
Instead, I found people with equally high needs, who had all kinds of rules associated with seemingly small parts of it. Someone gives you a gift, it isn't REALLY a gift, you have to THANK them profusely and verbally, then thank them again by USING the gift in their presence. That started within the Family unit! With GF's, it just got trickier. If you give PAL a present, it's just a light-hearted, fun thing to do to lighten their day. But when you buy a gift for a Significant Other, it has all kinds of extra meanings, and YOU have to give a BETTER gift than their friends give them, because YOU are supposed to prove how much more you KNOW them and love them with your gift.
There's one more thing to consider. Again, I'm not accusing you of anything. You might want to ponder what GIVING means to you. For giving NOT to result in resentment, the GIVER has to have NO expectation of something in return at all. Since you feel you've been doing all the giving, and them all the taking, it suggests that you haven't really been giving after all. You've been doing things for other people expecting them to do the same for you in return. Not at all unreasonable, BUT not really GIVING at all.
If you go into a relationship expecting give and take to be within a set of parameters, you have to communicate that, and get the other person's agreement. In the movies, they like to make out that EVERYONE magically KNOWS that you are supposed to give like crazy, but that's crap. In reality, one person's gift, is anothers basic, unnoticeable expectation that warrants no appreciation at all. If you've been "giving with expectations," you've been setting yourself up to CONSTANTLY feel that the equations are unbalanced.

I think u have to love someone enuff and have them love u enuff so that neither of u is taking those measurements of the ante, and love each other enuff that u just want to be together.

everyone has somethn to offer - to bring to the table. When i think of a man who I truly loved - it didn't matter to me what he had, just that he was- that he existed. I felt happy & blessed having had the chance to have his life cross paths with mine. Wish eveyday it could have been more than that. When u love someone the details can be worked out...or really don't have to be because u accept each other as is.

if u feel like u did all the giving, well then I am not sure that is love, really. I have read many of your posts on here & think u r nice, so I wish u the best. Good luck to u in finding some happiness with a partner who will love u. And u will know she does because u will feel valued - not llike u r doing all the giving.