I have been wrestling with a problem for quite some time now. My dad's side of my family is really really really judgmental of me and my views and choices I have been making in recent years. From leaving the Catholic Church, to my views on government and other things, they think I have totally lost my way and lost my mind, and even see me as a hypocrite, for living at home with my mom and grandma at 22 not doing a lot about it to them, and yet having these big views like being against corporations (and working for them), and getting any more licenses and ID's then I now have already (tracking).

They refuse to look at things from my point of view, and just think I am nuts, and I am sick of it. I mean it's not so easy, it's not like I like being dependent on people, and in fact I want to be in control of my own income (I do have some in the bank), and use that strictly to take care of any needs I have. They don't know what I think about to that end, or how I really feel, how hard it is for me at times to believe I can do things when I've always been told I can't or that I'm wrong. In fact, a lot of the problems started long before this, with my dad always having a short temper with me, putting me down and always having to be right. He once embarassed me in front of a man at a New Jersey subway station when after seeing I was trying to talk to the guy and he couldn't understand me he said: "If you can't talk properly then don't talk" and then denying he embarasssed me when I called him on it.

That's just one example of his anger, to give you an idea of how he is. Then my grandpa basically thinks I lost my faith in God totally when I left Catholicism, so there's judgment there too, on top of the hypocrisy thing I am facing from them now.

It is to a point where I really just want to cut them off completely until they could respect me and my feelings on things. I don't care what they think for the record (or my mom's side either as they aren't wild about some of my views either), I stand by my beliefs and believe in them more then almost anything except God. I won't change them for anyone but me. But after a while, it just becomes taxing to deal with them. I got enough stress at home, let alone having to add them to it. I dread talking to my dad now, or going to family functions because I can FEEL the judgment coming from them, even if they aren't saying anything.

I just don't need it, and I'm fed up, but I wrestle with it being the right thing or not. Like from a Biblical perspective, I wrestle with the notion of cutting off family, if that's an ok thing to do or not. I feel as though it is best for me to do, but it's so hard too, because I won't be able to go back.

What are your thoughts on this? I can use some more opinions. And for the record, if you disagree with any of the beliefs I stated, I'd appreciate it if you kept that out of any responses, as I'm simply here for advice on what to do. Thanks.

Sometimes yes. I had to face issues of this sort not too long ago and my advice is think it through, and know how much do they care if they are doing this. Family is people who love and support you, sure families have fights and problems but constant judgemental issues is taking it too far. Family accepts you for you and will not try to change you to their standards. A true family doesnt have to be blood. Thats just my two cents *hugs* wish you the best hun

My thoughts, regarding the title of the thread, is that you dont seem to have anyone to 'cut off' as there is noone really depending upon you for anything. I guess I am not understanding what the actual question is.....

What I mean by cutting off is, is that I don't have them as a part of my life anymore, or at the least until they learn to respect me and my views as they are.

but how would that hurt anyone but you,,,being that you are so dependent upon them,,,,?

The only way you could not have them a part of your life would be to become independent, and Im sensing, that might be exactly what they are being so difficult about in the first place

Thanks I appreciate it. Would you mind sharing your experiences to this end? Doesn't have to be here if you don't want, can be private if you'd be more comfortable with it.

Just to clarify, I live with my mom and grandma, my parents never married and I don't see my dad but every so often. I can't do much about my mom's side of the family and their issues with my way of thinking as I live here, but........I can do something about the issues with my dad's side, meaning I don't need to see them if need be.

Hope that helps.

absolutely.. you have to do what is going to give YOU peace. I still dont see a reason to eliminate the already limited contact you have with your dad. He has a right to his opinion, if it isnt affecting your life or your decisions,, Id just let it ride,,,and continue doing what I needed to to make my own life better,,, perhaps explain to him how certain things leave you feeling and how you think it best to resolve them in order to move forward,,,,

I would never give a parent a threat of disowning, I would however be as honest about my feelings as they are about theirs ,,,

I try, but he has one of those very dominant personalities, where it's hard to argue with him. Like for example, he used to always put me down on how I did things when we'd go on part of the day long canoe trips up north. It would take all the fun out of it. I tried to tell him this once and it was just like: "We had fun", he didn't understand.

The reason I'd want to cut out even the limited contact is I just dread it, I really am at a point where I can't take much more of it so....

I appreciate the input though just the same.

i personally think that you should only surround yourself with people who are supportive of you. i see nothing wrong with excommunicating family if their behavior is unacceptable to you.



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perhaps not "cut off" but limit what you share with them?

mutual respect - and some omissions when it comes to family may be best... after all, blood IS thicker than water...

$.02

I've done it with no regrets. My family brought me down & I had to cut them off to save my own sanity!!

I am pretty close to my family, so no, I'd never consider cutting any of them out of my life. Even the few people in my family that I am not close to, I wouldn't consider it.

Not sure by what you say if you work or not. Maybe they feel if you don't work you are taking advantage of the ones your living with. But in the long run if it is not bothering the ones your living with then it is none of the others business.

As far as your views or if you go to church or not that is no ones business but your own.. As one has said I would no longer share my views or what I do with them anymore.....Putting distance between those that do not let us live our lives at time is necessary. But... does not mean you have to cut them out of your life all together..

One thing I love about my brother and sister and other family members is that we don't judge each other on what we think or what we do. We all stay out of the other ones business but always there if we need each other. That is how family's should be. Let the others make their own mistakes but be and individual in the process....

I want to add here, that in my family we care about each other. We care about each other and we are not hypocrites. Because of this we cannot and dont usually sit idly by and smile if we think one family member is taking advantage of the other,, it would feel hypocritical to me to sit around and smile at that person knowing they were doing less than what they should or that they were not trying to do anything with their life.

Im not saying this describes the OP, Im just adding a different pov to the myob point of view so many families hold. I would never mistreat my brother if he was messing around on his wife,, even if she SEEMED to be ok with it. But I wouldnt be able to hang out with him without occasionally letting it show my disapproval and disappointment in his behavior. I think it comes down to knowing that we all will make mistakes and we all love each other regardless of our mistakes,, that we can speak up to each other that way. All families arent the same. I , obviously, dont know the posters family. But the things he has described so far dont seem reason enough to throw away his relationships,,,,,

There are some family members I have nothing to do with...There was a point when I had to get rid of all toxins in my life and that included toxic relationships, some just happened to be with family. I have never looked back. Family is family..rarely do members of the same family grow up in the same house, my kindred spirits are my family...

I don't know if this is an Italian thing.....

But.....

Cutting off anyone in the family is a no_no. No matter what!!

That is blood. Family is above all others!!

If somethings wrong we call a family meeting and it's worked out however it has to be worked out. However long it takes

if any one were "cut off". The others would grieve!

Never cut off blood!! Just my opinion ok

There isn't enough information to ultimately give what I could offer 'informed' advice. What I can say is sometime family is the worst enemy you could have. I know this first hand. My father was a BAC and not one of the nice Cavalry Ministries ones. He was manipulative and backstabbing. Now if your family is backstabbing you then yes there is an issue. NOW devil's advocate time!

You family comes from traditional christian backgrounds and values. There is an underlying push for achievement. You are 22 and living at home with no direction. I can flatly say the military is not for everyone. Sometimes choosing a direction in life is tough. The thing is you got to find a direction and go on your own. There might be a unstated desire by your parents to make something of yourself but what that is I have no idea.

Now some of the things you mentioned also lead me to believe you have trust issues and potentially are clinically paranoid. Drugs are not the answer and a lot of doctors love going there. A little paranoia will keep you alive, a lot though just fuques up your life. The whole "tracking by big brother" thing is a sure fire tip off something isn't exactly sitting well with you.

What happens to us is we are raised by one set of beliefs and when reality collides then we are left wondering what to believe. This leaves us in a state of moral confusion. In all reality the answer is to become successful at something and prove them wrong. If they really are a pack of slovenly deadbeat losers glaring down their hypocritical noses at you you can then look down yours at them and move on leaving them in the dust of your past.

The thing is don't confuse your parents wanting you to get on with your life over them being unusually cruel and hateful to you. They may not be able to come out and say 'get out to you.' That is passive aggressive behavior in the most classic sense. I personally hate that behavior but again I have not enough information to make what I would call an informed evaluation. All I can say is this the best advise I can give you:

Go to school, find a path in life and follow it, and move out. Also you may want to if you are in college take advantage of their counseling services all colleges including community colleges have. If you have issues hiding in your closet you need to face them and deal with them early on for better piece of mind. People living in passive aggressive environments usually have some pretty fuqued up emotional traumas hiding in them and can manifest as PTSD years later and that can be crippling. Sometimes it can make you lash out violently after something triggers it.

In all reality in life it is your *** on the line and there is no easy roads. There also is no such thing as a free lunch! Don't let others hold you down. Sometimes pursuing a dream results in a person being accused of being stupid or worst. That just makes the satisfaction of success sweeter in the end!

PS we don't get to choose our families. Sometimes they are dysfunctional but there is no sense getting pissed off at them because you don't get along but if they are there for you when you need them you got no complaints or reason to really complain a lot!

I didn`t read the thread ... or any replies...

Yes... do what you have to to get by ...