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| Topic: Input welcome..any at all.... | |
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Don't we all have an image in our minds about who will sweep us off our feet?
In each of our minds there is a perception of who we want to be with. There is also a perception of HOW we all want to be loved. How I want to be loved may be different from how YOU want to be loved. Now....here is my conundrum.... When you are with someone and you appreciate MANY of the aspects that make up that individual...you like the way they walk..talk..smile..joke...ect ect ect...You care for them greatly...but there is one problem.... You don't like HOW they love you.... I don't know how to feel about this. I really don't like how he expresses his love....he barely does express any feelings at all on any given day to begin with. He has told me he loves me...but he is not the snuggle bear and does not exude sentiments of sweetness....its just not how he rolls. In his mind a guy that is sensitive enough to show his emotions and whisper sweet nothings in my ear...he must be gay. thats his stand on this...and he's not budgging. I want to know...is it wrong of me to not appreciate how he shows his love?....I think it blows...I don't feel like I'm getting what I need from the relationship....is this selfish on my part? Am I? Idunno....I refuse to settle...would I be?... if this is just how he is and it never changes? would I be settling on my part? I'm trying to be realistic....I don't believe in the "love at first sight" thing...soul mates?...not so much...twin flames?...yeah..I thought perhaps we are... I dunno if you wanna comment....any input is welcome. Why can't love be simpler? Like when I was 20. I love you... you love me... simple as sh...it.... *sigh*.... |
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Hmm sounds complicated
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Do'nt settle you'll regret it
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I dunno if this would qualify as a settle....
ya know? PATSFAN...it is complicated...and i wish it were simpler. |
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Some men are cuddlers and some aren't...They express love in different ways...if it upsets you I say tell him, but he may not change his mind...If you think you are settling for him trust your instincts But talk to him about how you feel and go from there |
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writter....I have talked to him about it..
It was one of the reasons I was fed up with him and left a few weeks back..just one of the many reasons...but thats another thread! :p Whenever he appologized for acting like an idiot and begged me to come back he said that he would try harder and work at holding me and kissing me and not being afraid of the PDA. ( public displays of affection) He has gotten a bit better...but...as far as affection goes he and I are polar opposites...but he has made progress... I guess what Im trying to figure out is would i be settling if i stayed...knowing that I need more from my partner? Or if i stayed would I just be working to make the relationship stronger...and better...it has improved quite a bit from when we first started seeing each other... |
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How long did you get to know him before dating? How long have you been dating? I'm asking this because if he's always been this way, that's just who he is, and I can't imagine him becoming someone else simply because you asked him to. If he's changed from a very affectionate person to a non-affectionate person, you need to find out why.
If this is just his personality, it's unfair of you to want him to change. If you're not getting what you want, and he can't or won't give it to you, it's time to move on. |
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Edited by
HuckleberryFinn
on
Tue 12/01/09 10:35 AM
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this may or may not help you out
Women vs. Men WOMANS COMPLAINT when I try to talk to you all I get is an ugh even after love making not even a hug year in and year out it's always been this way I ask how you are again, nothing to say before we were wed you talked constantly about everything including me you tell me tis the way of a man to love, provide and be there when he can it's always actions and deeds that you use to communicate that's not what this woman needs I'd rather you verbally relate talk to me like you used to do I'm always here when you decide to ...... MANS RESPONSE you know I loved you since the day we met talking with actions has been my mind set we've been together for so very long will verbal assurance keep our love strong if that's what it takes then sit right here I've got something to say give me your ear I want to communicate during our love making in the throes of ecstacy while our bodies are shaking but, I never do why make a big fuss you always make enough noise for the both of us............... I however feel that communication is the number 1 ingredient to a great marriage, and or a relationship,but sometimes we need to ask ourselves, is it me or my partner that has the problem with communication. Love is not enough anymore, you need to talk..... |
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Calleigh....you are very right...
This is why I'm trying to figure out if he is just on guard...and it gets better with time..( which it has so far since sept.) We started out as friends...started dating in sept. I've known him almost a year...we were introduced by a mutual friend last dec....wow...just realized it HAS been a year! lol :p But of course when your friends with someone its nothing like when your intimate and know them on the everyday behind the scenes kinda way. its like getting the directors cut on a movie...you kinda know how the whole movie is put together when your behind the scenes ..lol...so I have gotten to know him even better in the past 3 months. His quirks...his good side...bad side...his fears...his ambitions...his humor...all of it. It would not be fair for him to change....he is how he is. I'm wondering if he wants to be more affectionate...he was stuck in a marriage that really made him feel horrible...long story of course. He is an attractive guy....but he never has had someone love him and show it properly. His wife was a mess....ugg... he was married to her for 12 years...he dated her 8 years? before they were married...so..he spent his entire life with her...and from what he tells me it just was not a healthy relationship. He has been divorced for 3 years now...as am i...and idunno...could his past experience with the ex put him in a state of mind of being "on guard" to physical signs of affection and being comfortable with someone physically showing their emotion? |
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Calleigh....you are very right... This is why I'm trying to figure out if he is just on guard...and it gets better with time..( which it has so far since sept.) We started out as friends...started dating in sept. I've known him almost a year...we were introduced by a mutual friend last dec....wow...just realized it HAS been a year! lol :p But of course when your friends with someone its nothing like when your intimate and know them on the everyday behind the scenes kinda way. its like getting the directors cut on a movie...you kinda know how the whole movie is put together when your behind the scenes ..lol...so I have gotten to know him even better in the past 3 months. His quirks...his good side...bad side...his fears...his ambitions...his humor...all of it. It would not be fair for him to change....he is how he is. I'm wondering if he wants to be more affectionate...he was stuck in a marriage that really made him feel horrible...long story of course. He is an attractive guy....but he never has had someone love him and show it properly. His wife was a mess....ugg... he was married to her for 12 years...he dated her 8 years? before they were married...so..he spent his entire life with her...and from what he tells me it just was not a healthy relationship. He has been divorced for 3 years now...as am i...and idunno...could his past experience with the ex put him in a state of mind of being "on guard" to physical signs of affection and being comfortable with someone physically showing their emotion? That's the thing, if he's just not comfortable with it, it's going to be awkward for the both of you. He'll be feeling weird about it, and you'll probably be feeling guilty because you're making him feel weird. If I were you, I'd just ask him- does touching make you feel weird? Is it something you think you can get over? If he's willing to work on it, great, but if not, and if it's something you really, really need, you really are settling if you stay. |
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There is a great book out there that is awesome it is calle 'The 5 languages of love' maybe he shows love differently than what you expect...but I would venture a guess and say it is more of the reaffirmation that you need that he loves you...because if he is not showing it HOW you want him to maybe you feel sometimes he might not love you as much as you love him?
Anyways the book is great, and it might just change your perception of the situation...it's a good book for both, and for any couple that wants a serious relationship in my opinion |
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writter....I have talked to him about it.. It was one of the reasons I was fed up with him and left a few weeks back..just one of the many reasons...but thats another thread! :p Whenever he appologized for acting like an idiot and begged me to come back he said that he would try harder and work at holding me and kissing me and not being afraid of the PDA. ( public displays of affection) He has gotten a bit better...but...as far as affection goes he and I are polar opposites...but he has made progress... I guess what Im trying to figure out is would i be settling if i stayed...knowing that I need more from my partner? Or if i stayed would I just be working to make the relationship stronger...and better...it has improved quite a bit from when we first started seeing each other... Well, count your blessings that he is doing quite a bit better lol...Give it time if you really love him & no I don't believe you are settling |
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There is a great book out there that is awesome it is calle 'The 5 languages of love' maybe he shows love differently than what you expect...but I would venture a guess and say it is more of the reaffirmation that you need that he loves you...because if he is not showing it HOW you want him to maybe you feel sometimes he might not love you as much as you love him? Anyways the book is great, and it might just change your perception of the situation...it's a good book for both, and for any couple that wants a serious relationship in my opinion Thank you...I will have to find it and bring it home. It sounds like something I might need to read! I am all about learning and self improvement.....I'm trying to understand something I have no clue about. Im more than willing to enlighten myself with a book... |
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if you arent getting what you need thats never good. It doesnt mean theat you can expect him to jump up and drop everything if you tell him, and not that you expect that either. But part of being in a relationship is being willing to change in small ways and meet the other person half way, or if you can even further. I feel like it would be perfectly fair for you to talk to him and ask him if he can be a little more romantic for, it doesnt have to be PDA or a big deal, just let you be held sometimes, or kiss your forehead in the mornings, or tell you your beautiful. Explain that for you this really helps, and you need it in a relationship to feel secure, a lot of people (men, and women) do. And then ask him if there is anything you can do, to make him happier, or make doing this easier (Sexual favors dont count! :)
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Don't we all have an image in our minds about who will sweep us off our feet? In each of our minds there is a perception of who we want to be with. There is also a perception of HOW we all want to be loved. How I want to be loved may be different from how YOU want to be loved. Now....here is my conundrum.... When you are with someone and you appreciate MANY of the aspects that make up that individual...you like the way they walk..talk..smile..joke...ect ect ect...You care for them greatly...but there is one problem.... You don't like HOW they love you.... I don't know how to feel about this. I really don't like how he expresses his love....he barely does express any feelings at all on any given day to begin with. He has told me he loves me...but he is not the snuggle bear and does not exude sentiments of sweetness....its just not how he rolls. In his mind a guy that is sensitive enough to show his emotions and whisper sweet nothings in my ear...he must be gay. thats his stand on this...and he's not budgging. I want to know...is it wrong of me to not appreciate how he shows his love?....I think it blows...I don't feel like I'm getting what I need from the relationship....is this selfish on my part? Am I? Idunno....I refuse to settle...would I be?... if this is just how he is and it never changes? would I be settling on my part? I'm trying to be realistic....I don't believe in the "love at first sight" thing...soul mates?...not so much...twin flames?...yeah..I thought perhaps we are... I dunno if you wanna comment....any input is welcome. Why can't love be simpler? Like when I was 20. I love you... you love me... simple as sh...it.... *sigh*.... This could be difficult...only you can decide, of course. But expecting someone to change drastically the way they show emotions...affection...isn't realistic. Don't adopt a problem for yourself...you don't change people...they change themselves. If he doesn't see a reason or a need...or is simply incapable...why should you suffer. You are obviously intelligent, pretty and have a lot to offer...find a guy who falls head over heels in love and is swept away by your charms...you deserve nothing less.  
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Hey...
According to you, your needs are not being met in this relationship. You seem to know alot about his horrible past marriage and how hurt etc he is. Please keep in mind that the "pity play" is a level 5 red flag. Good Luck |
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I agree with Isaac doing Marriage Counseling was recommended
"The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman due to all of being unique we all have different ways of expressing love or how we intepret being "loved". Some people just won't mesh, and if he's not willing to try, or it's not good enough for you, you're never going to feel the "love" you want. Why stay in a relationship if you're never going to feel loved? It takes 2 people to make a relationship work, each giving and compromising to the other. If you both can't commit to do what it takes to make the other person feel loved it can't be fixed. My .02 |
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Edited by
hopefloating
on
Tue 12/01/09 11:48 AM
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if you arent getting what you need thats never good. It doesnt mean theat you can expect him to jump up and drop everything if you tell him, and not that you expect that either. But part of being in a relationship is being willing to change in small ways and meet the other person half way, or if you can even further. I feel like it would be perfectly fair for you to talk to him and ask him if he can be a little more romantic for, it doesnt have to be PDA or a big deal, just let you be held sometimes, or kiss your forehead in the mornings, or tell you your beautiful. Explain that for you this really helps, and you need it in a relationship to feel secure, a lot of people (men, and women) do. And then ask him if there is anything you can do, to make him happier, or make doing this easier (Sexual favors dont count! :) lol@ the favors part... I have talked to him about it. he has tried to make me happier. I have done my best to give him the space he needs to be comfortable...for example.. We were grocery shopping....and we get to the check out...and he and i are bagging our stuff up and we get done and he just kinda looks at me very happily...like his eyes lit up just looking at me...so i went over kinda gave him a half hug and a small kiss on the cheek... ....he kinda backed away a bit....and said.."oh jeeze...public affection huh?"....i just smiled at him and asid "baby steps hun....baby steps"...and smiled and walked away to get the rest of the groceries.. its moments like that where I do my best to give him the space and the reassurance that he needs to feel comfortable. He walked up to me and kissed me right in public for the first time a couple days ago....shocked the hell out of me...lol we are both trying...So I guess perhaps I'm not settling...I'm trying...trying to love and accept love in a way i am not used to..just as much as he is....right?... have i figured it out? Should it be this complicated? *sigh*.....or is that subject for another thread? lol...:p |
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You have to learn to live with what you can't rise above, or learn how to covert do behavior modification, or are you one of those who like challenges because it makes you feel needed?
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hmmm....do I like challenges....??...yes.
why I like challenges....??....well....I always assumed it was because its never boring. I don't want to be miserable...but a little upset in the day to day life where you have to stay on your toes i think is healthy. When two people are overly nice to eachother and never fight..thats creepy...and i would believe that if nobody ever gets upset in the relationship then nobody apparently cares. I care about who I'm with. That I am certain. Otherwise I would not still be there. It just so happens he is quite the challenge. Obviously the pros out weigh the cons at this point. If the bad starts outweighing the good then i would have to say good by. |
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