Yes people love in different ways....it is expressing the how part. Not in generalization.....but most men do not express their feelings well (at least in the same fashion as women do). Maybe explaining how you wish to be loved may make him understand better. I have had to explain to my special person in my life. That showing love and saying love are two different things. Just because you say it does not always make the other person in your life feel it. Compromising is imporatant for both parties. People forget the fine art of compromising.

Hopefloating, you sound really nice...and this guy might have some good qualities, but he just doesn't sound like you from what you're saying. Relationships take effort...commitment...understanding and a 100 more things...but, hell, it shouldn't be a chore! Good luck...you'll make the right guy very happy...and he's apt to make you very happy, as well.

Regardless how he loves you or what he does or doesn't you supposed to feel it anyway. If you don't, then there is a problem. There is no way to display love without loving. If he has to explain you that he loves you, or you gotta put it together like it's some sort of puzzle, or you don't understand and just doesn't appreciate it, then there is a problem.

uggg......


I'm waiting....I have a few things planned and i want to see if he will participate.

If he does....great! then we are starting to get on the right page...if he does not participate....then its the same crap I've been expressing to him he needs to turn around...

so...we shall see...

I'm waiting for his actions to back up what he says....he has the opportunity this weekend....

Alrighty....best of luck to you then.

After rereading this all I can say is it sounds like you are TRYING really hard to change HIM.

Why don't you change so you can deal with him being less affectionate?


No one can change the other person..

The only one you can change is yourself

I have...

I expressed earlier how I have made a huge effort on my part to give him the space he needs and to not be on his arm....or trying to hold him...hell we both had the entire day off yesterday....we hung around the house....the entire day...


not once did i get a hug.....


not once did I try to hold him down and make him hug me...or kiss me...

You have no clue how hard it is for me to not touch....for my man to be close to me and not touch him...its torture in my mind...

so ...if that helps clairify how I am giving in the relationship and trying to change my behavior...there ya go

So if it's so difficult you to change you...what makes you think it will be any easier for him to change him..specialy if he is not doing for him but for you...seems it'd be even harder for him unless HE wants to change

when did i say it would be easy for him?

i don't rememebr saying that.

I'm not changing for me...I'm changing for him...to make him comfortable around me...

so how would it be harder for him again?

Because you are an oustide source on him an external motivator
You have decided to try to change for him thereby becoming an internal source..but it was your decision to do that.

so until he decides he wants to change for you. You are an external motivator asking him to change. Which by far is not as powerfull.

so in other words you are saying I would be doing him a favor by telling him good bye?

that way he could stay how he is not have to make any effort to change and be happy just as he is?

what if he does not want me to go?

what if he wants me to stay?

Then he would have to change in order to keep me so...but I would not be making him...he would be deciding to do so ...all on his own...because he would prefer the effort of change over the grief of loss....

am I on the right track here??

Almost,

What if he does want you to go? I don't know.
What if he wants you to stay? I don't know

But until he realizes that he might be losing you over this then that is his decision

If he decides it's easier to let you go that's his decision

But if he realizes that he wants you to stay around and that he needs to change in order to do that

THEN HE is the one trying to CHANGE him...it becomes internal then

But I'm betting that he doesn't know the full extent of how you feel about it.

Thats what I thought I had been saying all along...so i guess i am on the right track....


So your betting he does not know the full extent....hmm....

well it is one reason I agreed to come back and start dating him again...he begged me to come back...i told why i could not...he responded with pleding and promises of affection utopia.....


....*sigh*....

thank you for your thoughts....and i do understand what your saying...but he does know....

One other thing ask him what he is missing...or what he thinks is missing in the relationship then try to do those things...you'd be amazed on what can happen when you make them feel what it is that they want to feel....if that makes any sense

That makes the whole thing more understandable. You weren't telling everything or maybe I missed it. So you went 'back" after you broke up with him once already and even though you went back he does this.

I'm not gonna say anything..but if you want my opinion, well then it wasn't the best choice.

Hi Hopefloating, I haven't had a chance to read all the responses in this thread, but I believe I have the answers you're looking for. I never realized when I joined this community that I would have to opportunity to start giving relationship advice again (I used to write on another site, and miss it greatly), and I'm stoked... but enough about me!

All relationships take work - once romantic love starts to fade - and if you find yourself with someone who is not willing to work on the relationship (as it sounds like you are) then you are settling for less than you deserve.

To be honest most men don't know what they're feeling, let alone, how to express it, but when you find yourself with someone who is so close minded, and selfish, that they refuse to even listen...

I imagine how hard it must have been to reveal/express what you need from him in the first place; telling him what you need him to do in order for him to express his love in a way you can feel, and for him to ignore those needs must feel like a slap in the face.

It would be better if he had a least tried to pacify you, by saying "yeah yeah I'll try...", but his heart isn't even in the right place, and inevitably you're the one who's going to be left feeling like you're the only one on the giving end of this relationship, because you are.

You deserve more. Try to get his attention, by letting him know you can no longer love him, unless he's willing to try to show you love in return, and if the thought of losing you isn't enough, you're better off alone.

If he ever does come to his senses, keep in mind, it's not going to be easy for him to give you what you need. Personal change is possible, but it takes years not days.

The only other alternative is to play the martyr, but I believe you deserve more.
Take Care

I'm no saint, and have had my meltdowns, in particular last weekend. The difference today is only that I know as badly that she has been and is currently being bruised by people in her past that my only real option short of running would be to love without expectations. Sometimes that's challenging. Especially when we're close for extended periods, which is often... almost daily.



I actually have been pursuing for quite some time myself, and haven't really stopped. The only real difference for me is that I know what she needs, at least for today. She needs to feel beautiful and special. She needs to be her own person, and the direction and velocity is in her hands, not mine. So faith and understanding helps. Each day I get to understand a different thing about her, and occasionally her kids. Today was pretty obvious, with one important void that needs to be filled. Any holiday, including her up coming birthday, she needs to feel spoiled, because no one has done it for her in years. These are just a few things and to be realistic, the timeline for anything more formal is months away. The feelings are there, and it feels like there's a level of committment.



Not all of intimacy is physical contact. In fact, most of it is non-physical. In fact, I think I'm really starting to appreciate how slow this thing is going. A few years back, I heard it said differently, and it makes sense. In-To-Me-See.


I'm pretty much used to considerably more as well, and in many ways, this is the best I've had. None of what's slowing this down is me though, and it's more important for me to understand her and her needs, and as long as my focus is there, I'm okay, and I have faith the rest will follow in its own time. I'm not sure exactly what's happening with yours, to what degree of physical/emotional intimacy you're involved, and a few words to print is really very very little to go on.



I notice the occasional brick fall off of her wall. It's not about me cracking her shell. It's about her chosing to. It is about me noting her past, and things she's gotten used to not having and being giving in that area simply because she deserves it, and is special. She's pretty much guiding the pace entirely, not withstanding the flirts from both sides.



It'll be time when you settle for nothing less. He may catch on, may catch up, or perhaps in your next relationship, you'll do or not do something different, until you find the right mix. It's taken more than a year to get here, and about 7 months of knowing how I felt, protesting all along, about 4 to 5 months of her knowing, and several months of confusion, so no, it hasn't been easy. What has been a bonus, however, is that all along, I'm getting to know all 4 of them. In fact, there's a little Christmas story in there, although it was really my birthday story, as I turned 45 last friday the 13th.


So it was my birthday, and her and baby girl came over, each with a birthday card, and a t-shirt. I had no idea what happened in the store, but baby girl started to cry because she wanted a stuffed pony, and her mom let her chose between the pony for herself and the t-shirt for me. She chose for me, and being completely unaware of that, I went to a store later that night, and saw a stuffed pony. Yep, bought it. The rest is a memory to cherish.

Did you learn anything about him that day?