as a member of the gay community i got a question


i don't know if this is what anyone from that side of the community would consider to be normal

but as far back as my first year in junior high there have been times in my life that i have felt so lonely at times , that it has actually caused my person such emotional pain , such greif , and suffering that at times it has actually caused me to seriously consider commiting suicide on a number of occasions



for me it has always been a difficult thing to fight my way back from that terrible state of being , and it has alwys been even more difficult for me to find a reason to go on living each time i find myself in that life or death struggle


about the only thing i can think of to acurately compare it to would be the extreme personal grief a person experiences whe that person has lost to death that one peerson that they knew and loved in life as their personel soul mate

the kind of grief that causes that person to see their remaining life time as being one in which they are trapped in a sort of living death in which the person finds their self dying little by little each day due to that person having lost their will to live




right now for me it has gotten to the point that i feel with utter certainty that if i do not find myself someone to know as my freind, companion, life partner , lover and mate

i really don't know why or how i know this fact but right now it's gotten to the point that i just somehow know for a fact that if i do not find that one person in my life to share my life with in a long term intimate relationship i will most certainly die from this loneliness

if things are this bad for you where you are, you may seriously consider moving to a community that will increase your chances.

good luck with it sweetie

This sounds like depression to me. Are there any support groups in your area? You are lonely and don't feel like you have a connection to the rest of the world. Get out and get doing things you love so you can meet like people who also do the same things.

You don't need someone to complete you but you do need social contact.

Good luck hun.

Have you tried support groups?

Ha, I see I got beat to the support group idea!

Been there done it and still wearing the T Shirt my sexuality caused me great pain in my early years till i realised its ME and that family and friends love me for who i am not because of the gender i am attracted to.
All those biggots i have one thing to say there is more to life than worrying about another persons sexuality...get a life.
As for myself i am very happy very posative about being gay i dont broadcast as i have no need to and at the end of the day what takes place in a bedroom remains private.
Suicide??? what the hell will that achieve? except make those that love you very sad now get off your butt and GRAB LIFE....As they say get busy living or get busy dieing....YOU ARE YOU Take pride in yourself and do somthing so that you come into contact with other gay guys....i wish you well..........Anna x

I can totally understand what you're saying here.

There have been times when I struggled with similar feelings, and there were times I wasn't sure if I could get through it -- or even if I wanted to.

Eventually, I came to the realization that my life didn't have to revolve around the idea of being with somebody. Admittedly, this awareness only kicked in after dozens of truly horrendous relationships -- and there was a point where it occurred to me that being alone is still better than being with someone and always feeling alone even when they were with me.

I started trying to understand myself better, to come to terms with the things inside me that had, for whatever reasons, led me to believe that it was somehow important for me to be with someone.

And I realized I didn't need to be an adjunct to another person -- there were too many things I had, my writing, my hockey, my love of learning, to give it all up just because I couldn't find anyone compatible.

I'll admit, there are still days when I think it would be great to find someone I could click with. But I also know how truly unlikely that is; and it's a senseless waste of time and energy to lose sleep over it, to get all stressed out about it.

Especially since history has shown, over and over again, that even when I DO find someone who initially seems great, I'll be doing my damnedest to get away from her before too many months have passed.

We're all individuals, in the end. We need to keep that in mind. Because relying on other people for your happiness and fulfillment is, in my experience, a totally dead-end, no-win proposition.

The worst thing you can do is, to think that you are some member of a community separated from everybody else who feel like they are different somehow, because of the sexual preference.

You are not the member of the gay community, you are the member of the Planet Earth community.

The worst thing you can do is to think in "groups" of people packed into different communities and somehow they are different that would limit your freedom and somehow would limit you from contacting others or have a discussion because they are somehow "different".

Again, don't listen to comments that would make you feel like you supposed to rely on some sort of a support that could only come from people with similar preference.

I know and knew plenty of gays and once they realize the fact, that sexual preference does not matter when it comes to social life other than partnership and sex, they felt a lot better.

Of course, I'm not gay so I can no offer real solution regarding gay partner finding, but it seems like your problems are a lot more deeper than sexual preference.

Well express a wise man indead Anna x

what friends and family i have to my person are there to support me emotionally on the matter and have accepted me for being gay

for a time i was able to jsut live my life as a loner lone wolf type of person that got by on sheer instinct attitude and will power alone but now it just aint enough anymore

inside i just feel so cold, empty, hallow, unwhole , imcomplete even

i nspite of my frineds nad family being there for me i just feel so unwanted and unloved at times, truth be told i have always had the worst of luck when it comes to dating

i feel like i cannot go on living my life as a single person, that i am cursed with this terrible loneliness that i live with.

i feel that i must find some greater meaning a greater reason to go on living my life.

that i must find myself that special guy to share my life and my love with to devote myself to in mind body and soul in living for that operson even as that person would live for me also

when it comes to my firends and family i love them and accept them as family but i also feel that that they are the ones that i would die for in life or if need be kill for.

i have yet to find myself a person to lve for myself in that way as a true equal to my person though

It's not an easy thing to do, and a lot depends on your being able to accept your self-worth -- because we're surrounded by imagery and traditions and thoughts and expectations that we're "supposed to" find someone and be with someone. And it's difficult to get past all of that indoctrination and just say "I am who I am, and not only do I accept it, but everyone else is just going to have to accept it as well."

And don't minimize the helpful and supportive influence of friends and family. That kind of support can make a world of difference. I have neither family nor any real-life friends, and I'm sure things would be a lot better for me if I did.

Seriously.. No offense Atlantis, but we are not a part of the earth community, not yet, other than the fact that we exist in it. We are not included as much as we are excluded in most places, and that is the reason for gay communities. But then you have to be close enough to a gay community for it to be useful.

In my new home there are very few out gays, it's a very isolating feeling if you have no family or gay friends. Straight Friends are great but nothing like a supportive community of both gays and straights.

As a straight person you can find friends and partners in almost every place you can imagine. Gays don't have that, unless they live in a gay community like San Fransisco.

How often do you have gays sharing their personal problems with you? I would say rarely, no?

Straights for the most part can not even imagine the isolation gays feel, especially older or middle aged gays.

Sabore, I understand what you are feeling, I've been there a least a couple of times in my life, though not for long thankfully.

I'd say your best bet is to move closer to a gay community, find companionship, then find friendship, then worry about a partner. I would run AWAY from your profile even if I was not depressed. If you are looking for something from a dating site, check out people's profiles and see what I mean. Ask yourself if you would date some of these folks, then tailor you own profile toward something more positive.

Write down what you want in another person. Then become that.

In your state of mind, you are more likely to find what you are not looking for rather than what you really want or even need. Not sure this made any sense but hope it might inspire you to think more about what you can realistically expect from your current environment or think about making life changes to bring about what you seek.

I will be interested in hearing other gay's thoughts on this as well.

for as much as my dear friend dwayne was there for me as a true friend and protective older brother to my person going through jnr and snr high

oddly enough it was because of these intense states of loneliness that i found in dwayne a lover and companion to my person to comfort and love me and to help me through these terrible states of loeliness that i at times find myself suffering through

truth be told it was also how i came to find myself actually wanting to give myself to him at the time even though he was himself not willing to go all the way on the matter at the time he was none the less there for me as a companion and partner to help me through these periods of loneliness in the time i knew him

You assume too much Winx. My uncle brother is gay.

As a widow who lived in hell for awhile, please believe me when I say I know loneliness and a huge, prolonged sense of isolation. I would not have made it back if not for my parents and best friend. DO NOT sell short the support you have.

Reading your words I cannot help but think that you need professional help with your thoughts of suicide. Please seriously consider professional help, there is NO SHAME in it and it might help you to see that you are already a find man who can be comfortable in his own skin. I believe that comfort has to be there before you can offer yourself to another or accept love from another. You (we all) must be whole and emotionally available in order to live a meaningful relationship. Please consider confessional help, if money is a problem, there are lots of therapist that offer counseling for free or reduced rates.

I wish you all good things.

Go to a gay bar. There's a couple in O.K. that straight men and women go to as well because of the great music, laser shows, and drug scene. You just gotta get yourself to a gay community. It's just like me- a hippie surrounded by Republicans- once I get back on my turf, I always feel much more "in place." San Francisco, or really anywhere in CA is great for us liberals. Do some traveling, you'll love it.

Reading your posts and your profile I have to agree with the folks that suggest seeing a professional therapist and learning as much as you can about depression. I think you will say yeah that sounds like me. Then working together with that professional in developeing a multi faceted approach at treating it that will make how you see life very different in a good way.

Being depressed is like watching life on black and white tv. You know there are colors there but it just feels so negative and lonely that it really feels bad. That vibe really keeps people away.

Generally because it may also be shutting off someone from seeing you or you them. I find it impossible to believe that there are not plenty of gay people in your area that would be attracted to you if you can get things going. The good news is treating depression can make a strikeing turn around in a relatively short time.

Because your profile comes off as being very "jumbled" which is not uncommon when someone is trying to think through the distractions of depressive thoughts I agree it is no wonder that you are not connecting. Get a pen and paper and make and outline to organize your thoughts and feelings. Then try to create the most positive and truthful view of you; not the state of the world.

I agree the world is not always a fair place but leaps and bounds of progress are being made in the acceptance of gays by gays and straights and I would be hopeful that you will not only find love but success in all your dreams. My hope is that eventually there will be minimal need for a gay subculture but I think maybe seeking out some successful role models in your community will help you. Meeting a partner from a subculture, whatever it is, it helps to subscribe to groupes that support it. Hopefully by networking with supportive Mingle friends you will get some referrals. Good Luck

Atlantis, you're replying to Boo and not me, Winx.

Ya, sorry Atlantis, it was me that made the assumption though it was a question at the same time. I do acknowledge that some family members have had such conversations, though from my experience it's rare in relationship to those that have no such relationship, including myself. I was referring more to just straight friends. Many gays don't live close to family, and like me they are often astranged from family members because of the fact that we are gay.

But in the end you were right, I was assuming and can't know how much things have changed since I was in his position. I don't see a whole lot of change from my point of view, so I can definately be wrong..

why do they hate us so much when it comes to the sides of the greater community that want only to hate/ to demonise and to judge us with their fear grief and hate mongering?


there are times when i really don't know what causes me more grief at times,

the loneliness,
the violence
the hate or the grief