You make a good point.

He isn't my spouse, although we had discussed the possibility. This is a different type of loving and has some different rules. However, we are still human beings who say we love one another; and I have a right not to be harmed emotionally, to keep myself safe that way.

Angel, this is a very common problem but not one many women are inclined to admit. It is embarrassing because we see our partners as extensions of ourselves and when they do something shameful, we feel the shame. You are in a very good position because you have this supportive community to give you feedback. So many women are completely isolated. You are also able to articulate clearly what is being done to you, so we can see that you do have sanity and discernment. Many women can't see what the behaviors are that are wrong and demeaning. You can.
There is a mental illness called Arrested Development. A large, very large, percentage of the population has it. We can see men in their twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, any age, acting as if they were seven or nine or thirteen but certainly not as a fully developed adult would act. This is a serious and debilitating illness which ruins what could be marvelous relationships. On the female side, we can see arrested development taking the form of a woman not defending herself in an effective manner even when resources are available. She remains helpless and dependent emotionally even though capable of rational thinking processes.
One therapy is to ask yourself what you would do if you were your own brave and intelligent adult best friend and you had to save your own precious life. Use your imagination on this. It probably won't feel familiar as if you had felt those solutions before. It will be the emergence of an adult self, a new thing. It takes practice.

You have to love and respect yourself enough to be able to be in a healthy relationship with anyone else. If your partner is not a positive influence to this process I would recommend at least taking some time away from him or her so you can focus on you and getting in touch with you, loving you, respecting you and your desires and dreams, etc... and then assess your relationship.

Sometimes no matter how much love we have for another, the relationship is not a healthy one.

I wish you luck with this.

i think having gone what you have gone through and came out alive that makes you my hero in my eyes.but staying with someone who make me you feel like you arent worthy,well hun ive been there,several times infact,you dont need somebody like that in your life bringing you down and adding more stress to your life.and if he really did love you he be there to support you and wouldnt make you feel bad about yourself,that isnt what true and real love is!

he isnt giving you the love and respect and kindness and attention you deserve!hes just a tool and his balls need to drop or you need to get rid of him.you do deserve so much more then what hes putting you through.

Self esteem is somthing you have to build

When you have it you become a strong healthy woman!

I once weighed in at 300lbs. After years of working on the outside I'm down to 160

Then came all the inside work and it wasn't easy!!

Now i am a strong confident woman who no man can take down!!

I think you should watch the movie "Fried Green Tomatoes"

there are lessons in there that you might can use

be Towanda! Right of Wrong, Queen Beyond Compare!

' the world breaks people..it is up to us to be strong in those broken places' - thoreau, i think.

Not everyone can be strong though in those broken places, so we do the best we can. Sounds like your doing the best you can.

The pain is heartfelt.

roko

Red flag waving boldly


"When people show you who they are - BELIEVE THEM the first time!" Maya Angelou

Never were truer words written!

I spent a lifetime making excuses for another's behaviour - they have to OWN it ... it is not for you to justify.

My biggest lesson was that it is better to be alone and lonely than alone in a relationship. Only you can decide what is right for you.

But... I ask you to consider what exactly you are holding on to?

The reality of your situation? or the pretty picture you keep in your mind to justify to yourself why you are settling for so much less than you want and deserve?

Are you holding on to the potential of what it could be?

Only you can answer for yourself. And only you have the power to do what it right for you - whatever that is ...

but know that you are stronger than you realize and more wonderful than you know ...

Take care of yourself!




PS ... if your best friend came to you and described her situation as you do ... what would your advice to her be? Make a difference? It usually does ... eye opening huh?

Hello Lovely.....


(and the other Lovely above me!!! )



Angel..... in the lifestyle you speak of......safe, sane, consensual...yeah?


What are the keys to this lifestyle?


Honesty, respect and trust....yeah?


Complete honesty builds trust, which builds respect... yeah?


Point one...if this is not in your agreement (TPE)... or if this is a part of the contractual agreement (TPE)....then you know what you are supposed to do.

Point two...no true lifestyler would subject their O/other to this form of abuse....unless of course humiliation is a part of the agreement.


think about it, honey....you know what is, and what isn't.


Sometimes there comes a time to ask to be released.

it is NOT you.

MMMM..his name isn't Francis is it? Your guy sure sounds alot like my Ex-boyfriend. He put me down on many levels and was far from jealous, so he said, but anytime I was chatting with a male friend he made note of it and then would come bug me to get my attention. He also tried to say I was trying to change him, take him away from his family and that I had low-self esteem and I was the one that needed to change. But yet He wondered why I did not trust him - his eyes were always on another woman, offline and online. Eventually I got sick of being mentally abused, I hated his guts, I had no desire to be with him, no desire to look at him. No matter how much you love someone - if you know you are at the point of feeling just the way you are, which is right now, you need to ask yourself if it will be worth it years from now. Will you both be the same? Will he still love you? Will you still love him? Think about it. The mental anguish he does too you will rot your heart.

I am so sorry to hear about your lifes challenges and I will add you to my prayer list and I hope that your breast cancer is brought under control. I can only hope that you are close with you family so that they can help support and comfort you in this times..God Bless

Thanks for all the responses. I appreciate the insight, experience, support, and well wishes. No change or answers yet....but, its food for thought.

very true words from Maya

Verbal abuse may not leave physical scars, but the mental ones can take a lifetime to heal.

One thing I had to learn is, "Love doesn't hurt".

Do what you have to do to protect your well-being.

No one deserves to be abused.
Be it emotionally, physically, mentally, or sexually.

Good luck. I'll be praying for you.

There is great sadness here. I am reminded of the grace of Miguel de Cervantes in his wonderful book/social treatise..Man of La Mancha.
This crazy old man entered an inn with his faithful side kick, Sancho Panza. In this inn there was a barmaid who described herslf thusly.." My mother was a gutter whore and my father was a regiment..." As is apparent there is certainly a rather bleak picture of herself. Don Quixote responded very gently to her with words of love and affirmation as he explained that she was not as she said but rather that she had been placed under a spell by a wicked sorcerer who had evil in his heart. Or something very similar.
Please accept that you are very special and perhaps you are under an illusionary spell that only you can break with the help of some of the gracious words written by folks on this site.

Wow! I feel for you. It looks like to me that you are being abused. In my experience it happens slowly - creeping in, slowly like "the frog in the boiling pot of water" who never notices it coming...Slowly, first- louring you in with the offers, the what you want to hear, the love and affection (Its all good in the beginning)then slowly things change, compliments turn to remarks and happiness turns to pain. Confusion takes over and its impossible to sort out why this person would treat you this way. Confusion stage is painful and paralyzing. Verbal and mental abuse is designed to work on your mind this way. I suggest you read "Why does he do that?" or other books on verbal abuse. To fight cancer you need all the love and support possible... to keep you strong! Get around some supportive people and see the difference. Choose the supportive team and you'll win.