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| Topic: make contact with ex for daughter? | |
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I have a daughter who is almost 12 and her father hasn't had contact with us since our divorce 10 years ago. Last time she saw her father was when she was 5 months old. His parental rights were taken 10 years ago due to domestic abuse (& I don't agree with being able to not having to provide for your child by abusing another, but the state decided that without my input) Anyways, my sister said she saw his profile on myspace and says I should try and contact him for the sake of my daughter. My ex/her father has never tried to make contact with us. So I need some advice if I should or just leave the past in the past &/or let my daughter initate contact when she is older.
Advice, please |
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I have a daughter who is almost 12 and her father hasn't had contact with us since our divorce 10 years ago. Last time she saw her father was when she was 5 months old. His parental rights were taken 10 years ago due to domestic abuse (& I don't agree with being able to not having to provide for your child by abusing another, but the state decided that without my input) Anyways, my sister said she saw his profile on myspace and says I should try and contact him for the sake of my daughter. My ex/her father has never tried to make contact with us. So I need some advice if I should or just leave the past in the past &/or let my daughter initate contact when she is older. Advice, please Tough one........ With my ex wife, I tell her it is each our own responsibility for the relationship we have with our children. But thats just me |
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Wow....sticky situation here. Is he really the type of person you want in your daughter's life? I can only speak for me, as I don't know the particulars about the domestic abuse, but I would glean any information I can about him without him knowing it and save it for a later date when she is an adult and is better able to handle this. I'm not sure I would disrupt her life now, not knowing if this guy still has anger issues. Not to mention the fact that he would be in YOUR life again.
I hope your sister isn't the type to meddle in and allow him to know where you live or anything. Good luck in whatever you decide hun, it's a hard one. |
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Let it up to your dauhgter. He didn't try so why ask him to come see her now. Did you ask her what she wants? If your not ready to ask her opinion then you sure shouldn't ask him to come around. Any man who could not see his child for that long can't have much to offer her.
She will decide what she wants in time or at least ask her if she wants to find him. Young or not her wishes should out way everyone elses in this matter. Did you really need to think about this one. It's all about the child so go to the child. |
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Let dead dogs lie!
You daughter is almost old enough, that in a few short years she can search for him on her own. In the mean time he is no man you want your daughter around. Regardless of what the state said or didnt, he should have been man enough to keep his hands to himself and at the very least financially support his child. Dont go digging up bones! |
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I wouldn't rock the boat. He could easily find you, too, if he were interested in trying to establish contact for the child and you have no clue as to whether or not he is suitable to be with your child.
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She my daughter wants to meet and talk to him and i felt when she was older she could do that because even if the state says she doesn't have a father, she will always. I have always kinda stays out of it other than as she got older and asked stated that he wasn't ready for us and he had to leave since he had hurt us (no details and only that one because she didn't understand why he didn't just come back) I have never bad mouth him except the above because i know no matter what he will always be her father, but at 11 is she mature enough to establish contact on her own? let alone who knows what kind of place (emotional) he is in. I wish and hope for the best. I do feel it should be on him or her not me and if he did right now i wouldn't stop it, just stand back and watch for her, so i had always planned on waiting for her to do it on her own when she was older (16 or above) or him. I just wanted to hear what others thought for me to bounce off of
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I have a daughter who is almost 12 and her father hasn't had contact with us since our divorce 10 years ago. Last time she saw her father was when she was 5 months old. His parental rights were taken 10 years ago due to domestic abuse (& I don't agree with being able to not having to provide for your child by abusing another, but the state decided that without my input) Anyways, my sister said she saw his profile on myspace and says I should try and contact him for the sake of my daughter. My ex/her father has never tried to make contact with us. So I need some advice if I should or just leave the past in the past &/or let my daughter initate contact when she is older. Advice, please |
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I was in a situation very similar to yours. The ex just disappeared out of the kid’s lives when they were 3 and 5. No contact of any kind.
I didn’t bring him up to them I let them come to me to talk about him. When my older daughter said she wanted to see him I tracked him down and had him call. It made the first meeting easier for them to feel like he cared enough to call. They were 12 and 10. It was my older daughter who asked for it. Our younger daughter didn’t ever really know him. I also kept my negative thoughts to myself about the ex. The ex and the kids went through the expected honeymoon period and shortly after the initial meeting he started to show his true colors. I still reassured my kids that he loved them, the world is hard enough without thinking your parent doesn’t care about you at all. I just explained that he had a hard time showing it. As time passed and he showed that he wanted to be a parent as his convenience I was a little more open with the girls. I felt that they were old enough to handle a little more information. By this time they had seen his behavior first hand and had all ready formed opinions of their own. They are now 19 and 17 and neither one really cares if they spend any time with him or see him. But they were able to make this choice on their own. I think this is an important thing. But depending on how safe your daughter would be with him you need to make this choice as it applies to your own daughter. I wish you luck as a fellow single parent. |
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I wouldn't do it. Your daughter is not mature enough to make those kind of decisions. Think about all the stuff an 11 or 12 year old would do if we let them.
If he was abusive, chances are he has not changed. If he wanted to find his daughter and make contact, he would have by now. The internet has made all that easier. Why would you want to complicate your life or the life of your daughter? She will always have a yearning to "know her father." Kids have magical thinking, even at her age, that he's going to be this awesome dude that is somehow going to make her life better. Tell her she can make the decision when she is 18, an adult. Until then, you have decided it would be too dangerous to involve him in your lives. Get her some good counseling. Good luck. |
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I am all aware of her thinking he is this wonderful person because she doesn't know him, hence why I feel like she should wait until she is older. She went through counseling a year ago and I was told she is doing ok and that is why it ended so that makes me feel better for her to have some neutral ground to discuss her feelings. I agree if he wanted to establish contact he would after all it is just as easy to find me as it was to find him. I appreciate everyone's feedback as it help make my decision. (to wait for him or her when she is older)
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what does the daughter want
if he wants to see her he will contact you and why subject either of them to the other if a relationship between them can not be maintained and some say once an abuser always an abuser (not so sure) so what are the chances he would abuse her if it aint broke do not fix it |
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If he never tried to be a father to his own kid then he is not one...to hell with him,seems pretty clear he doesnt want anything to do with his kid or he would of...why is it your job to get them togather?Tell your daughter to find a real man to look up to for a father figure.
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What I think you might be missing in this little revelation is that your sister is putting her nose into your personal life and stirring up old miseries in your life by even telling you about this situation. You have a good chance if she has access to your daughter or her kids do they will tell her. Unfortuneately this is common and may or may not be malicious on the part of your sister. Families can carry a lot of anger over drama from abusive husbands.
I believe with the advent of the computer networking sites all custodial parents have to be aware that kids can find just about anyone they set their minds to. Your daughter may actually know this information already. Just because she does not have a MYSpace account does not mean her friends, obviously family, don't. Being honest about facts of a divorce are essential for children to know when a parents rights are set aside. Gorey details no but if your ex had his rights taken away for abuse you are obligated to tell your child for their own safety. And to do what you can to keep them away from someone so violent until they are an adults and you can not make such decisions for them. Telling your child that you will respect and support their decisions to have safe contact when they are an adult if they still feel it is something they want is reasonable. Telling children they should not have to pick sides while they are minors is how it has been decided by not only you but the courts. If you do not want to put her in the position of chooseing as an adult and has some faculties to protect themselves you can offer to be supportive then. At least at 18 she can relocate and be safe if he does not turn out to be in control of himself. I would call the counselor ASAP and update them with the current information and discuss some of your options of handleing this situation. Making a decision and standing by it is important. |
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Hi
I am going though this right now but dughter is 16. It has been 10 years since we heard from him. I left it up to her, she asked me if it wa ok to look him up. So we did and it is going ok but I am still up in th air about it. He could never tell the turth vaxck then, I a hoping he as changed. I think it should be up to your daughter beacause if he is the same person he was 10 years ago it could do more harm then good |
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her age is going to be a thin line issue depending on where you live. Most states, a 10 year old child can have an active choice in who they live with during a divorce, and some states are starting to recognize that this means a 10 year old (or whatever age that state gives choice to a child during divorce) has the legal right to choose to see their father even if they haven't seen them in so long.
In the end though, if someone wants to make a fuss over it, whether it be your daughter, your sister or even some stranger, if you are unwilling to look at the possibility, the court will have to decide again. I would suggest for now, to look into his past ten years, and see if you can learn anything about him that would make or break the deal for you, especially seeing you said your daughter is interested in meeting with him (?). By doing so, you will know whether it is something you are willing to allow if you must, or whether there is no way in hell you would agree to it. Also this way, if it does end up back in court, and he is a bad figure, then you have ample proof of this which the court will listen to. She my daughter wants to meet and talk to him and i felt when she was older she could do that because even if the state says she doesn't have a father, she will always. I have always kinda stays out of it other than as she got older and asked stated that he wasn't ready for us and he had to leave since he had hurt us (no details and only that one because she didn't understand why he didn't just come back) I have never bad mouth him except the above because i know no matter what he will always be her father, but at 11 is she mature enough to establish contact on her own? let alone who knows what kind of place (emotional) he is in. I wish and hope for the best. I do feel it should be on him or her not me and if he did right now i wouldn't stop it, just stand back and watch for her, so i had always planned on waiting for her to do it on her own when she was older (16 or above) or him. I just wanted to hear what others thought for me to bounce off of |
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I have a daughter who is almost 12 and her father hasn't had contact with us since our divorce 10 years ago. Last time she saw her father was when she was 5 months old. His parental rights were taken 10 years ago due to domestic abuse (& I don't agree with being able to not having to provide for your child by abusing another, but the state decided that without my input) Anyways, my sister said she saw his profile on myspace and says I should try and contact him for the sake of my daughter. My ex/her father has never tried to make contact with us. So I need some advice if I should or just leave the past in the past &/or let my daughter initate contact when she is older. Advice, please I would not reach out to him, if your daughter is interested in connecting with him, she will in her own time extend him a hand. Normally someone can't miss something/someone they never had (in her life). jmo - good luck to you both 
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My experience is that you very much can miss having a Father wheather you never had one in your life. Society at large re-enforces any natural instinctive desire by constantly telling kids that is what is normal.
Just having one parent generally makes a child want the other parent if for no other reason than being the custodial parent makes you the one who has to set boundries and enforce punishments so you become at least at times the "bad" parent. At least undesireable enough to tweak the imagination of the child. As unfare as it always is; children need to know what part of the parent leaving is their fault. Your custodial parent's version just isn't as believable as hearing it themself. Most young teens will say that kind of rejection is no big deal but emotionally it is a very big deal. Because kids are savey enough to look for themselves without you even knowing it planning and hopeful teaching your child some coping skills is a very good idea. |
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My experience is that you very much can miss having a Father wheather you never had one in your life. Society at large re-enforces any natural instinctive desire by constantly telling kids that is what is normal. Just having one parent generally makes a child want the other parent if for no other reason than being the custodial parent makes you the one who has to set boundries and enforce punishments so you become at least at times the "bad" parent. At least undesireable enough to tweak the imagination of the child. As unfare as it always is; children need to know what part of the parent leaving is their fault. Your custodial parent's version just isn't as believable as hearing it themself. Most young teens will say that kind of rejection is no big deal but emotionally it is a very big deal. Because kids are savey enough to look for themselves without you even knowing it planning and hopeful teaching your child some coping skills is a very good idea. Pacific - I disagree, a child knows what he/she is taught. Granted there are many (sad to admit but a large amount) of parents who bad mouth and talk badly of the absent parent (regardless whether true or not). But to say that a child needs to know what part of the parent decision to leave is their fault??? that I don't follow. The child is not to blame for any parent leaving, that decision was made by the adult not the child. |
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What I think you might be missing in this little revelation is that your sister is putting her nose into your personal life and stirring up old miseries in your life by even telling you about this situation. You have a good chance if she has access to your daughter or her kids do they will tell her. Unfortuneately this is common and may or may not be malicious on the part of your sister. Families can carry a lot of anger over drama from abusive husbands. I believe with the advent of the computer networking sites all custodial parents have to be aware that kids can find just about anyone they set their minds to. Your daughter may actually know this information already. Just because she does not have a MYSpace account does not mean her friends, obviously family, don't. Being honest about facts of a divorce are essential for children to know when a parents rights are set aside. Gorey details no but if your ex had his rights taken away for abuse you are obligated to tell your child for their own safety. And to do what you can to keep them away from someone so violent until they are an adults and you can not make such decisions for them. Telling your child that you will respect and support their decisions to have safe contact when they are an adult if they still feel it is something they want is reasonable. Telling children they should not have to pick sides while they are minors is how it has been decided by not only you but the courts. If you do not want to put her in the position of chooseing as an adult and has some faculties to protect themselves you can offer to be supportive then. At least at 18 she can relocate and be safe if he does not turn out to be in control of himself. I would call the counselor ASAP and update them with the current information and discuss some of your options of handleing this situation. Making a decision and standing by it is important. Yeah what he said.... |
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