Ok, so now it is time for me to rant......hope it doesn't scare anyone off.........so here we go, hold onto the rail at all times, fasten your belt, keep all limbs inside the car and do not take off your seatbelt until the ride comes to a complete and full stop....

Oh man, I'm so fuc(ed up right now! Tired, cranky, board, lonely, have tons to do, studying, housework, sorting, hanging things up, just too much **** on top of money problems. I was supposed to have enough to have my car fixed but after I got into my bills, I'm freaking out royally! I didn't realize how bad I was in the hole.

I miss someone I love and have loved for near 6 yrs with all my heart and know I will never see him again. It hurts. A lot. But I know he is not the right person for me. We just don't mesh.

He does drugs, is an alcoholic, workaholic and thinks money runs the world. I told him I didn't want any of his money. That if I did, it would ruin everything, but I cracked and let him. Now I will never see him again. Hell though, I haven't seen him in over three months since the busy season started. He runs a trucking company with his dad. Makes bucks.

But he can't stand certain things and I have a real temper. He likes to hide out when things get bad instead of facing it head on. I'm a head on person and I hate people telling me that they will do something and then I have to either rag the sh!t out of them or just let it go and I get fu(ked.

I have been blessed with all that I have Peeps, but at this moment right now I am shaking and quivering from the stress, loneliness and having to deal with money. I hate having to do it and always feel better when I get it over with.................and ****! I'm horney too. I can take care of that myself but it is much more fun with someone else there, ya know. I could go out to any bar and find a more than willing partner, but that's not what I want...........I just want to go to sleep and forget everything.

I hate waking up. It always physically hurts to wake up. Sometimes I wake up hurting, and I mean my heart and soul. Panic anxiety fear lonely alone..........can't cry.

I physically can not cry. No matter how much it hurts. I might get teary eyes, but then it seems like my body just sucks the tears away from me. My chest is tight, my guts twisted, my head spins, I shake all over, I wish for relief I know will never come to me ever ever ever...........Dr. said I will be like this the rest of my life, swallowing my sanity three times a day, and everything is changing again. Everything.

They said my Dr would be my permanent Dr, now they are going to change everything around and I won't have her anymore. Just like everything else........gone.

I keep trying to OD.........all my life.........but my body has become adjusted to the meds I guess. It doesn't work. Or at least it didn't a couple of months ago. I tried twice. Took a TON of barbs and other things too. All my meds I just got from the Dr, so I had them all and even that didn't work. All I got out of it was a bruised ass and a black eye from stumbling around blacked out.

I hate school, love art, but have to go to school to learn art. Trapped in my head and my life. I am lucky I have the place I do and the owner of the place is fair. I am in a semi-safe neighborhood, but I went driving around looking at yard sales cuz I need a chair, and the places just a few blocks from here........man, I tell ya......crack town! I won't be leaving my door open at night anymore.

I'm all twisted up in body and mind right now. GOD, I wish I had someone special to just hold me right now. John would never do that even if we were together. One of the reasons I know we wouldn't work out. Cuz even though I have a temper, I'm equally nice and serene most of the time. But he can't handle that, and never will. And niether will I.

I'm dying while I'm alive.........like being picked apart by piranha or sharks. One little bite at a time, and there goes my heart and soul..........GOD I wish He would take me home where there is no such thing as sex, or hurt. Carnal things wouldn't even exist.

I could just make art for all eternity. Hmmmmmmmm. But wishes never come true. You might think so sometimes, but it always comes back full circle and bites you right in the ass. Good always has evil behind it. And evil is always hungry to take a another chunk. Make you bleed just that much more. Trickle down and steal your tears and make them into blood. Blah blah blah.........

begin with yoga (this may take a while)

then start walking

then run, maybe throw some punches

then open your eyes

start rewriting

when yer brain's a mess, focus on your body, the mind follows.

Breathe deep & call a friend.
Need a friend, write me.

Thanks for all your support and caring. Love ya's all......Sage, thank you and all my ohter friends that realized and are trying to help.

Karen

I tried to get a pet cat today. I kept it for 4 hours, and it peed everywhere so I couldn't keep it. The person who gave it to me didn't want it, she got it from her mom. But theres no way I can support a cat right now. I always talk about animal rights and how much I love cats. But in the end it was all just smoke, when the chips were laid down, I couldn't handle it. I hate myself right now, I'm no better than those who abuse animals, or people who care more for their pets than themselves.

allen the cat wasnt the right match for you.you made the right decision.when i was twenty yrs old i had 4 dogs and 2 cats amongst other things.i then got a fith dog,a dachsund.after 2 weeks i realized that dog got on my nerves and gave it to my sister.ginger is 13 yrs old and i have never regreted my decision.
karen my goodness.i wish i could hug you.i havent thought of suicide in 20 yrs though i did brush my teeth with hydrocortisone this morning lol
you will get thru all the ****.i know that money is an anxiety causer.many sleepless nights here over bills but believe me this too shall pass.hugs,jax

Hang in there guys, things will get better. Wish I knew something to help but I don't. Do you know of any friends to help fix your car Karen??? How about a mechanics class at the college? Do they work on students cars for a project and only charge for the parts, do the labor for free??? Just wondering. May be a slow process too though, when I worked in the prison system, they did work on employees cars as training projects and I had an engine rebuilt for cost, but heck, took me about 6 months to get my car back.

I have been going through major money issues too, and working on my own stuff. Dad is tap dancing on my last nerve, and finally found my middle brother's ex partner and talked to her, (was really worried about her, haven't talked to her in maybe 8 weeks and we had talked several times after my brother died, then she kinda disappeared) so feel better after talking to her, but worse too because found out more garbage about stuff that was going on so brought up more sadness/guilt about my middle brother and more anger at baby brother.

Allen, you did the right thing getting rid of the cat, it wasn't right fit for you, you will know when you find the right one. It won't be destroying your home and making you stressed. You did good.

Cute, hydrocortisone - hmmmm, at least your teeth didn't itch today, yuk. Need to separate the tube from your toothpaste, I have had close calls myself, almost did that one time.

Ako, I know you are right, I need to get moving instead of curling up inside myself and vegetating. I tend to crawl inside my head when I get stressed and depressed and withdraw, that is the worst thing I can do. You do have good ideas.

where did creations fire go?

I didn't realize she deactivated. Maybe she needed some time away, to take a break. I hope she will be back. She was feeling pretty stressed. Karen, if you are reading this, I hope you are feeling better and come back, you have lots of friends on here and we care about you. Send me an e-mail and I will give you my other e-mail address. I would like to keep in touch, let me know you are okay. Take care of yourself.

Thanks Jeff for pointing this out. I have been wrapped up in my own stuff.

ya things might pick up
i could use some prayer or whatever your god is
things are eh and im not handling them well

I hope things get better for you Jeff. Have you tried any groups or a church pastor or counseling or something?? It does help to get out and talk to people. I have been in different groups in the past and learned a lot from them and made a lot of good friends. A lot of them are free too. I hope you can find someone to talk to to help you deal with what you are going through. It sure makes things easier to sort out. Take care and have a good day tomorrow.

(((((((((((creations)))))))))))) dont leave!!!! I feel your pain!!!!!!!!

not really around here the only self help group is the caddy to the bar.
its just im not where i want to be
i got my bachelors and cant find a job so im working where i dont want to be and i feel unappercaited and out of place

this will only work if u actually help people,if someone comes in here 4 help u gotta atleast try & help.....not ignore them.....don't know if this will work......i never got a reply

actually stars marie did reply to you about three posts down from your last one..i hope erik is doing better..

just to let all know that creationsfire is taking a break to deal with some issues but is fine and sends her love.

Downtime can be a good thing. It forces you to face reality on its own terms. Makes you hug people you wouldn't normaly be around. Instead of bytching about my problems it forced me to actually deal with the ones that I had trouble accepting. A lot of problems that I looked at as unresolved issues I found were just me and the way I looked at things. I found through the support groups that I wasn't the only one who looked at it that way. Didn't mean I was right about them but just that I wasn't alone in my prospective with some of them. Taking a break can help you sort out real fears from just imagined ones. One can see the past in the present without giving oneself credit for the changes that one has made. One can have the tendency to down one's self for ignorant choices made in the past but one doesn't have to remain ignorant once learns that mistakes of the past were made in ignorance. Like it or not we all learn from past mistakes hopefully. I really don't see how some people make it without support groups but then I am a groupie. To each his or her own I guess. Helping others helps me. It is so simple. You can't keep it if you don't give it away. That seems to be the way help works for me.

You ever try to get a hug without giving a hug? We had this one lady who said she wanted a hug and six of of guys huddled around her and gave her a group hug.

sorry marie guess i didn't check back soon enough.....he is doing better says he won't hurt himself nomore,but my husband,josh, don't want me 2 be his friend he thinks erik is lying 2 me bout everything & doesn't trust him.josh's past girlfriend cheated on him w/his bestfriend that's why there is no trust & why he don't want me 2 have guy friends.....i understand that but i also believe what erik has told me.i wrote erik & told him....i also said i still want to be his friend...i hope he don't hurt himself again.

stars i hope erik gets some help but sometimes you have to love folks from a distance otherwise their drama starts reeking havoc with your life.Erik needs to want to help himself..