Written for therapists as well as couples working to improve their
interpersonal intimate relationships
Packed with various case studies and personal accounts
Explores the linkage between the destructive creation of the "fantasy
bond" with psychological defenses formed in early childhood
Why is it that the relationships we care about most-those with our
intimate partners-often seem doomed to fail? Why do we feel compelled to
punish those closest to us who love and appreciate our real qualities?

In Fear of Intimacy, the authors bring almost 40 years of clinical
experience to bear in challenging the usual ways of thinking about
couples and families. They argue that relationships fail not for the
commonly cited reasons, but because psychological defenses formed in
childhood act as a barrier to closeness in adulthood. A wide range of
cross-generational case studies and powerful personal accounts
illustrate how the "fantasy bond," a once-useful but now destructive
form of self-parenting, jeopardizes meaningful attachments.

Okay, I am lost. What is a fantasy bond?

The Hollywood movie...that someone else will be everything you pretend
they are.


The illusion of what a person is, rather than who they really are.

Taking the disappointments as a child, perhaps poor parenting, or abuse,
and creating a fantasy life...then applying that fantasy life, comparing
every person you have relationships with, to the childhood fantasy life,
of perfect parents, and a perfect world..

Projecting fantasy onto a person.

well yes i could do anything

Jess is right everyone has fantasy in their life

Some of my fantasies I got in early childhood.

From Rainbow’s post:
“Why is it that the relationships we care about most-those with our
intimate partners-often seem doomed to fail?”

I’m not sold on the idea that they are doomed to fail. Although what I
personally see happening around me most of my life are incompatible
couples hooking up for all the wrong reasons, so it doesn’t surprise me
in the least when their relationships fall apart.

Of course, I’ve seen successful relationship happening too, people who
get together for all the right reasons.

So from my vantage point, it isn’t what goes wrong ‘within’ the
relationships that destroys them as much as it's the fact that couples
too often get together for the all the wrong reasons in the first place.

That raises the question Abra, why do incompatible couple get together,
for all the wrong reasons? I really think it goes back to the fantasy
thing, people project their ideas of what they want and need onto
another person who in reality no way resembles the fantasy. JMO.

IMHO, people get together for the wrong reasons because:

1) They're looking for instant gratification. Real mature love and
relationships take time, years and even lifetimes to build and perfect.
Nobody falls in love overnight - lust maybe, but not lasting love.

2) They're shallow/superficial. A lot of people nowadays are what I
would classify as shallow or superficial types who are only looking to
hook up with someone who is physically attractive, regardless of what
that person is like on the inside. Frequently these trophy collectors
find that their prize heifer smells worse than a pig once they've been
exposed to its odor over time.

3) They lack the emotional stability/maturity needed to select the
proper partner. Whether they come from broken homes, abusive
relationships/backgrounds or whatever, some people lack the emotional
maturity and stability that is necessary to select the proper partner.
Frequently time will help to remedy this problem, and often counseling
is a good way to get over past abuses to free one up to live and love
again.

Just my 2 cents...

Jess, I think that is why I hated the 'Brady Bunch' so bad. I kept
thinking I was born into the wrong family. Surely I must have been
adopted and my real loving family would find me. Maybe if I could had
dad watch, "Father Knows Best". I related more with "Oliver Twist" and
the "Addams Family". Growing up in my family was anything but normal.
Especially with the little kid on the "Addams Family" who cut the heads
off dolls and the "Addams Family" daughter who asked the girl selling
Girl Scout cookies if they were made from real Girl Scouts. Come to
think about it Uncle Fester from the original series reminded of my dad.
I feel sometimes like I am the missing link or Cousin "It" with a
haircut.

a fantasy bond is---------davinci!!!!!

Well, James you just described my first marriage. At first we
deemed that we were compatible but by the time it was all said and done
we weren't even compatible. We got together out of lonliness and sex. I
think a real relationship should consist more than just a way to get
over sexual frustration and a way to not be lonely. I base that on the
theory that one can burn out on sex and if they are not your friend then
no wonder communication can get to be a problem.

Wow, so true, Bama.

oooooohhh...there goes my head for the day..hmm mmm