I want to make this perfectly clear right from the get go...

THIS THREAD IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR. IT DOES NOT HAVE ANY PERSONAL CONNOTATIONS, NOR DOES IT REFER TO ANY PARTICULAR PERSON!!!

Read the above again just so there is NO MISUNDERSTANDING!!!!

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Ok. Now that THAT is out of the way...

In the process of a discussion with a friend earlier tonight, I had a thought strike me ( AGAIN...THIS IS NOT ANYTHING PERSONAL, IT'S NOT ANYTHING THAT " BOTHERS " ME OR ANYTHING TO THAT EFFECT ) and I kinda wondered what other folks' ideas on it would be.

Let's say that there is a guy or girl, man or woman, whichever you prefer, that you know who has been through some very rough things. They have had to deal with several forms of abuse and you know they have a few issues because of it.

One thing that you have noticed is that this person consistently talks down about him/her self.

But you also know that this person is relatively comfortable with who they are.

You wish they would stop doing what they are doing, but they don't really see anything wrong with it.

What do you try to do for this person? If anything???

IF this person was a good friend of mine or a partner... I would call them out on what they are doing.
"why do you talk down about yourself like that?" I have told my friends they are not allowed to belittle themselves or talk down about themselves around me. I tell them, you're my friend, and I love you just the way you are. If I won't let anyone else knock you down in my presence, I won't let you do it to yourself either.
Maybe it's subconscience and they're not even realizing they are doing it. But even if he/ she doesn't realize it, it still effects you.

are you talking about me

j/k .do nothing

So....if it's something that bothers you, but it doesn't bother them, they have to change their behavior???

Keep in mind that this person may have been doing it since well before you actually knew them. It may be a part of their nature.

I do realize that there are different ' levels ' of the behavior I am referring to.

This is a ' mild ' case.

I probably should have been more specific...lol

How do you know it doesn't bother them? Typically if someone is talking down about themselves then they are feeling down about themselves.
EVERYONE is down about themselves at some point. EVERYONE has things about themselves they don't like. But friends accept you along with your flaws and are supposed to support you and build you up. Not let you go down.

just leave them alone. people like to get into everyone else's business too much these days.

Fair point, Jill.

Let's say you asked your friend about it.

He/she says that it's just something that they do. They are actually cool with who they are. It's nothing more than habit at this point.

Alot of times people say that, but when you actually point it out to them, it makes them think about why they really do it.
My ex bf used to do that all the time. I would just tell him "hey, that's my bf you're talkin smack about there... not cool"
ALOT of people do it tho. For example "OMG I'm so stupid, I forgot my wallet at home" or "I'm so retarded I can't believe I did this"
That's one thing you will never hear me say about myself. I will never call myself stupid or anything else. I have done stupid things. "Wow, that was a really stupid thing I did" or "that wasn't very smart of me to do"
But I am not stupid by any means. So I choose not to call myself names. I've had enough people call me names in my life that I don't need to do it to myself.
But I had to make a conscience decision to NOT do it. So many people just say it out of habit that other people pick up on it, and then they say it too.

If a person has been abused and beat down for years, they will pick up that habit and sometimes it becomes second nature. I think they sometimes do it, thinking they will put themselves down before someone else has the chance to (not sure this makes sense) but it really is a self esteem issue and is a learned behavior. It was learned and can be unlearned with a lot of work. I have a habit of doing this and have friends who call me on it, so I don't do it nearly as much as I did. I appreciate my friends calling me on it, when they do it in a nice way. It makes me stop and think and I have spent a lot of time readjusting my way of thinking about myself. It is not an overnight process, but we didn't learn this overnight either.

I think it is important to help the person turn around their thinking and feel better about themselves, break those old bad habits. My 2 cents anyways. (Sorry it took a book to tell you my thoughts.)

Hmmm..interesting.

I, also, will never call myself stupid. I got enough of that crap when I was a kid.

That wasn't a book. Just a very well thought out post...lol

Thank you. :-)

exactly my point.
It seems harmless tho. You hear it so often. People calling themselves stupid, dumb, retarded, moron, etc etc. But if you no one else in this world is going to stick up for you, you need to do it yourself.

Yes. That's exactly what I meant about having to make a conscience decision to NOT do it. It's something you have to "unlearn"

Note the obvious things that they do right, or how they in some way inspired me to do something with myself. Or teach them how to be cynical like me, then you can down yourself and everyone just thinks you are joking.

I do what you are talking about here........not because I was abused, I suppose it just self preservation. Like someone said here......if you say the "negative" things about yourself first, it gives less chance of someone else saying them. That said, it's really not attractive to hear someone else doing it over and over again. Which in turn means it's something I could work on myself.

When someone calls me on it, I just respond with the fact that I'm joking around but it is reality and why do I need to deny reality (for instance, if I've made a "fat" joke about myself), but I can see now that it may be off-putting to some people.

I always just try to get the other person to see the good in themselves. To answer your question.

When a person suffers from abuses, all kinds..
physical, mental, verbal, sexual, emotional, there is a level of self loathing. A person tends to believe some or all of these things that happened were their faught, that they are a bad person and somehow are not worthy. If this continues through an entire childhood it can be very challenging to get through alone. Something in a child changes when this type of abuse occurs and they are never the same. All you can do is be a friend, and build them up, compliment them and even talk about it with them if the relationship is strong enough for that. Maybe some professional help is needed for this person...

This all depends what kind of abuse you are talking about. Some never can get past this. They will in someway blame their selves and think they are not worthy of being loved. They will eventually turn to abusing themselves such as bad relationships, alcohol, drugs etc. Most will end up in the criminal justice system. Some people can get past it. JMO Most cannot.

I'm going to only disagree with the "ending up in the criminal system".
I know many who survived childhood trauma, None of them ended up in the criminal system. I know that does happen, I'm not so sure it's the norm.