condoms
I walked through the aisles of my local Walmart with a full cart, knowing i had only one more item to buy and I'd be out of there for the night. I'd already been shopping for nearly an hour and was looking forward to getting home before 9 pm.

Condoms.

I walk into the personal care dept and find them... locked up like bank notes, behind a glass vault door.

I was going to need help.

So I turned around and began searching for a Walmart employee with a key to the cabinet.

Found one! OMG why does she have to be 65 years old? Even at 39 I get somewhat shy buying condoms. I can pick out tampons like an expert, after having been married 14 years, but for some reason I still want to hide the condoms so no one else knows.

Dork?

So my senior citizen walmart worker, maybe on break from watching the door, I don't know, follows me to the cabinet and asks me which ones I want.

I point and say "those".

She's blind and picks brightly colored ones.

Hey, that red matches my face.

"No, those, there in the black box."

She reaches in again and this time grabs a box marked "added pleasure for her!"

Wrong again, I reach in to get them myself and Mother Theresa growls at me.. I SWEAR! Like an antique cougar..

"You can't touch these".

Inside MC Hammer comes to mind, but I resist the urge to sing.

Finally she retrieves the correct box and re-locks the cabinet.

Expecting her to hand them to me I wait, instead she says, "Follow me", and heads off across the store... holding the box of condoms high over her shoulder like a busboy at El Chico's.

Im seriously considering foregoing safe sex at this point and just leaving the store.

We aim for the health and beauty counter and she announces when we get there, "This young man wants to buy these", slaps them on the counter, and walks off.

Its obvious she's never had sex and hates anyone who has....

Im not willing to help her...

So I get in line and after 20 minutes make it to the counter.

"The condoms", I say quietly lest any children might be near, "They're mine".

She may be another virgin. Judging me with her eyes she reaches under the counter and slams them on the counter.

She leaves them there, wide-open, so everyone in the store can see that Im buying them, and begins checking me out. Halfway through she looks at me and says,

"Is that wine?"

"OMG", I think to myself, "Now shes going to think I'm planning on using the wine to get some poor girl drunk so I can use the condoms on her".

But I'm wrong.

"I can't check out alcohol here, you need to go up front".

You have got to be kidding me, I've already been tortured for 20 minutes, and theres more?

So she grabs the lewd, lascivious Condoms and walks me to the front of the store... holding them over her shoulder so everyone can see.

I think thats a rule...

She brings them to register 1, put them on the counter, and says, "They're for him", turns, and leaves.

The line is 5 people long and I have 20+ Items.

20 minutes later I make it to the cashier.

"The Condoms are mine".

She smiles at me. This one is young and has obviously had sex. She has no problem with this and just might be enjoying seeing me blush.

She checks me out, wine, condoms, potatoes and all, and I RUN for the door.

I've made a decision to be celibate.

Don't call me.

You tell a story very well!

awwwww...but your condoms will feel abandoned

Loved your story!

GREAT!! HAVEN'T LAUGHED THIS HARD IN A LONG TIME. THANKS!!

SUE

OMG loved this one I laughed so hard thanks I really needed that one lol

So now I must ask did you write this one or just sharing it?

will this ever get easier???

for those who dont know, trojans in the black box are the "Magnum" large size

yet still even with the ego boost of a black box with gold trim your still like
lol
i thought id be over this by 30... this thread has dashed those dreams

...then again i thought id be over wearing condoms by 30 too... ahh well

soooo funny!

Tuck.........that was excellent! I hope you write more real life stories in the future. Cracked me up!

Well....LMAO......