see i hear ya on that. no second chances there is no excuse for hitting another human being.

i've been beaten once. JUST ONCE. i have worked with, seen, spoken to, and helped many women who have been in this position and seriously all those plans that they stick around to make, while he beats the crap out of them... go up on smoke.

sure its hard to run. but like i always say. sh*t or get off the pot. there are womens shelters everywhere who are willing to house and protect. there are authorities who will get you out. there are all kinds of non profits who are always looking to help.

never think that you are alone and helpless. you make yourself helpless by thinking that.

**edit**

and you can feel emotional or hurt by what code said... but in some context he's right. you have a choice. i had a choice. i loved him with every drop of my being the but night he knocked me out was the night i realized no love was worth the pain.

no person chooses to be abused.

they however do have a choice to stay in that situation or run like hell.

whatever choice is made is up to that battered party. but IT IS A CHOICE.

god sees him alright... god gave him free will. as he did to all of us.

Very true Alone

I am sure there is wisdom to it, but it sounds like he is telling us we DESERVE the abuse because we didn't leave the first time our spouse raised their hand to us. No one should judge unless they've walked in that person's shoes. For the record, my son NEVER sees his father, and frankly I don't care if he ever does. And its by my son's fathers choice, he knows where we are, he knows he can see him anytime he wants. He chooses yet again to be a jerk.

ohhhhh do i! still affected by it 21 yra later!! no slaming of a dish in my sink!

Again I am never directed my post towards anyone. Once you quote a persons post then the finger pointing starts. My comment on this topic was my opinion. From what I have learned in life. Because I am a man doesn't mean I don't know anything about abuse.

I watched my father beat my mother to death. 1983 she passed away. I was 5 years old. From a small child I can remember back as far a 3 years old the fighting over and over.

The sad thing is I was a child. And my lack of knowledge and being a child. Kids really don't have a choice. Adult, grown humans do.

So I do understand this topic. And inside very upset at my mother for staying with a man who ended her life. But all things aside. She loved him, she loved me. And she died by him. Her choice.

From my first post on this topic. I had said I have seen many, MANY posts on here. About cheating, abuse and other things. Its to easy for people to point the blame and seek pity about there bad choices. Yes I do feel horrible for people who been hurt. And even some of the people who have quoted me on here, which is a form of finger pointing, name calling. I feel for there pain as well.

Thank you ma'am. Look at the face of Codelockbox. There's commitment there: his judgments seem harsh because he has faith in something larger than himself and is willing to sacrifice. That gaze reminds me of DeNiro in "The Missionary". Kudos to him, even if I don't agree, for his beliefs 'cause it's getting so rare for Americans to make a stand for anything.

i don't think he's judging. i think he's expressing his opinion about abusive situations and the human psyche.

i think you are taking his words as attacking you which he is not.

Yes ma'am. Courageously and honorably.

Thank you for that reply. Abuse is hard no matter who is the one getting abused. I guess its just a hard subject since it has happened to me. I know it made me stronger as a person. I do understand the attack wasn't directed at me, I guess I put my guard up, and I do apologize to you for my rudeness.

I don't nor would I take time to attack anyone. I just see things for how they are. I have lived for my age a long life. I grew up in a bad home, or as I would call it. Yet when I was of age, to leave the foster home. I joined and did a total of 12 years in the U.S. Army.

I have been and visited many countries around the world. I have seen and spent 3 years in the Iraq war. I have seen much death, pain, and lived it. I was released from service March 17, 2006 from the service for being shot while serving in the war.

In my life I have come to understand only I have a choice what happens to me. The pursuit of happiness can be found only with in a person.

I guess in the world people like to find pity or reason or try to spend the time to reach to others about there regrets. Being hurt, or in pain is not a good thing at all. And I do feel bad for people who are hurt, people who are killed, people who are abused. I do have a heart. I will not bring god or what I think is write or wrong in to a topic like this. I just wish people would sit down and think to themselves for a bit. I use this word ""CHOICE"" a lot. Why I do it because I think a lot of the world forget they really have a choice on what happens.

You are entitled to your opinion and I can respect your opinion and that fact that yes, I made the the choices that put me into the situation I was in.

What bothers me is how you keep talking about how the people who have been posting here are seeking pity. I didn't see anyone asking for pity, I saw someone asking for people to relate to, which is something else entirely.

Regardless of who is to blame, we have been abused and nothing can erase that. The only thing we can do now is to push forward and try to heal. No matter how well we do, we call carry the scars of our abuse, be it physical, mental, or emotional, or any combination of the three. For many victims of abuse it is difficult to build relationships and trust after such an experience, and knowing that there are other people who have been in a similar situation and survived is a great source of strength to draw from.

Even if it is not your intentions, you are judging, please stop. Doesn't that job belong to someone else?

Huh. Oddly enough, I don't see a whole lot of guys saying anything about dealing with an abusive relationship.

This is not just a " females have to deal with it problem ".

My last ex had been severely abused by her previous b/f.

While she was with me, she would deliberately pick fights with me, and then escalate them out of any reasonable proportion, to the point that she was physically assaulting me.


It was like she was TRYING to get me to hit her so that she could say I was just like everyone else she had been with.

I have never raised my hand in anger to a woman in my life. But, without going into details, I will say that if any woman ever deserved to be punched in the mouth...it was her.

Blackbird

Sing out for a memory, kiss the wind goodbye.
Cry gently for today, while searching for what is not found.
Whisper of lost days, mirrored upon the face of time.
Bare witness for tomorrow, if only for right now.
Daydreams painted pictures, rain softly upon her skin.
Faded solitudes blending the reality of where to begin.
Suffering for the touch of a minute is never found within today.

Blackbird cry freedom


Abused beaten chained within her mind
A choice to choose seems so far out of reach.
Today is measured with a stigma written upon her soul.
Held within a egotistical emotional concentration camp.
A inward dilemma mirrored upon her face, life, and soul.
The choice to choose is to live or die each day.
Still that choice seems so far away.....

Blackbird cry freedom



Up2Us © Copyright 2008

I had an ex-girlfriend throw a dinner plate at me with hot food on it..( pork chop )
The good thing is I never re-acted or touched her!
I called the Sheriff's department, the deputy decided to separate us and she spent the night with her kids in the local battered woman's shelter.
See, it happens to men too..just depends on how you handle the violence and abuse.
funny thing is, there is a double standard to this..if I were to throw the dinner plate, I would have been arrested and then would have to go through anger management classes, she didn't have to..and I think thats very unfair!

*Sighs*

Two years ago, I was dating a gentleman (or so I thought)
who was older than me by four years.
After dating him for three months...
hitting and hurting me was common.
I was scared.
After half a year,
I finally was able to break up with him.
I'm still scared though.
I can't stand the sound of people fighting.
I'm scared of being by myself.

I hate being in the dark.
I hate loud noise.
I hate when a guy even touches my shoulder.
It's not that I hate it...
I just don't feel comfortable, ya know?

codelockbox,

If only it was that simple. There are a lot more dynamics that happen within an abusive relationship. Those relationships don't start off abusive, most of them appear to be happy and healthy. It isn't until a period of time that things go 'bad'. And by this time there is an investment in the relationship and it makes it difficult to leave. Self esteem is one of the issues. Yes! Abusers slow strip away any and all self esteem an individual has. The children are generally not the fact of why a person stays in a relationship (not now-a-days) in most cases.

I, myself, was in an abusive relationship. I am not a social work student and work with DV clients.

You should never blame a victim. NOONE AT ANY TIME HAS THE RIGHT TO PUT THEIR HANDS ON YOU WITHOUT PERMISSION, let alone hurt or harm another person. However, yes, at some point in therapy does the victim recognize their patterns in order to break the cycle of abuse.

shamariahauri2 I feel your pain. I too was in a mental and physical relationship. He threatened to kill me, threw me around and demeaned me in every way he could. Support groups are a big help to help get past your pain. I know the thoughts never go away but at least it's a start. I am still dealing with all of that pain. I wish you the best of luck.

As some have said this is not something that only happens to women only. Just that it is not common to hear a man's story as well men are not as verbal as women are within telling their stories. Men in the past were always suppose to be the stronger one and for them to tell of a woman that got the upper hand on them in this manner some others looked at them as being weak. Sadly this happens to anyone in this lifetime.

Myself I have never been abused this way I have had a taste of verbal abuse but not to the extent that some have. For many years I could not like codelockbox understand why the ones in these situations don't just open the door and walk away when that person is not at home? Why, is and answer that some of us will never understand if we have not physically been put in that type of stiuation.

I have in the past several years talked to others online that have been there they have been beat, burnt, scalded with hot liquids, hair pulled out, beat to a pulp, degraded, sexually assaulted and many other forms of abuse. Yes I still wondered why did they stay? What hold did this person have over them? Myself like I said have never been there and to me my first answer is walk away get out why do they not do this?

But most do not realize that most of the time this type of abuse does not suddenly appear it is done gradually. So if you think in terms of a brain wash victim maybe then you will begin to understand why they stayed and that choice that we all think they have was taken away from them slowly but surely.

The brain is a awesome thing but it can be controlled by another no matter what we think and say it is a proven fact that it can be done. Even though these people have no given education in learning how to do this they in fact have learned just what to say and do and how far they can go. They know when they have that person at their lowest and have complete control over them. It is not till that person finally opens up to another that they start to see that what is happening is not right and the way it should be.

But unless they continue opening up to someone they will in fact remain where they are or until they finally see that death is ahead of them or they finally see they must protect their children in the process and at this time do not even care if it means their death but survival instincts kick in for their kids lives. Yes it is sad that this must happen.

But I assure you they do not speak of what happen for pity or attention. It is in fact to help them understand why this happened and how it happens. They are trying to understand and wanting to know did they in fact create this situation? Which in fact they did not they fell victim to this and sunk deeper within this persons control due to many things not just one. A lot of times their past in fact adds to another being able to control them.

But regardless it is better that they speak of what happened to them and to let others see they are not alone. You see for someone to post these issues if only one other person reads this that is in that situation now and realizes that they are not alone and makes that first step in the process to take their life back then talking about it all has been more then worthwhile. Not only does it help the one that has in fact started to move on but it has helped another to take that first step in taking their life back and getting out of where they are.

It is very important to seek help with those that in fact are in the business and deal with these issues on a regular basis and have the knowledge of whom to put you in contact with those that can help you deal with what you have been through.

I wish you all the power within to overcome where you have been and may your days ahead only be brighter then the day before.

Very well put! Txsgal

tanyaann thank you it has taken me many years to understand why this happens. When I was younger I could not in my mind see any answers and in fact failed to have sympathy for those that would in fact stay in this type of situation. Until I actually started listing to those that in fact have been there and lived the reality of it all.

You know it is all about really listening and in fact opening your heart and mind to what they endured. Then if your willing to open your mind as well then and only then can you actually begin to understand why they stayed as they did. All one has to do is be willing to listen to what they are going through and not throw the stones their way but instead help them find a way to cope and the will to take that first step back to reality.

I was in fact the same way when it came to those that tried to commit suicide until that issue came to someone that is my heart. Now I see those in that position in a totally different perspective. I'm thankful for having the opportunity of being at the right place at the right time and being able to have a open heart due to that my heart and mind now understands some of the issues that actually go to making one get to that point. I'm proud to say me being there not only opened my mind to think different about those that try suicide but I'm blessed as well for 6 years later I have a happy and well adjusted son that now realizes that is not the way to solve ones problems in life.

We can only understand if we learn ourselves to open our minds and hearts as well. If we shut the door and figure it is their choice the life they live and what they get is what they deserve. We in fact will never understand there is in fact a whole lot more then just that life is not that easy to deal with. Yes some are stronger then others or in fact can shut down their feelings therefore they can walk away and turn their backs to such issues. I was like that at one time had no pity for anyone that could not in fact stand up for themselves in life until I actually started to listen I mean really listen. But not only did I listen but I asked questions as well without putting it to seem they were at fault for not standing up for themselves. I have at times sit here and cried as I have read there words. And in fact did research in their area to help them seek help to take that first step.

There is nothing more satisfying then to hear they have in fact taken that first step and they are adjusting and finding out that there is so much more to life then what they had.

I have found out by many that have been there writing your thoughts down either in journal form poetry or book form is one of the best therapy's that can be offered once they in fact have gotten out of the situation they were in.

Learning to talk about your experiences or write them for others to see is a part of the healing that is needed it helps to release the hold that another had on them.