I can't relate myself. I guess when I see things are not going the correct way, I leave, break up, move on with my life. Yes I am a guy at the same time I think why stay in something that is not good or healthy?

Women can be abused in some situations, like maybe if they are locked in a basement, chained up, no way out. But for the other 99 percent who are or still in an abusive relationship they are there by free choice.

Women feel they can't move on, either are married have kids, they have a false sense of hopelessness. Low self esteem or mental health issues.

In life everyone has a choice. You choose your path, your walk, and what you do.

I have read many posts about people who have been abused, or cheated on, or beat, ect... ect.. Its sad but unless they were chained to a basement the end result is they took that path that caused them that pain.

IDK, Code man. There are binds that bind which aren't physical.

Wow, we don't stay to continue to be beat up or abused. Sometimes plans have to be made in order to be able to move. Over time, most women make plans to leave and get on with their life. If kids are involved, it takes planning to have a safe place to take them, it takes money to move out, it takes support from others in order for plans to be carried out. Most women can't just up and leave the first time a harsh word is said or a hand is raised.

Men, too, njMom.

You are correct, men as well as women can be the abuser. Most people can't just pack up and leave that very second. In my case, I could tune out the verbal abuse, my cue to leave was when I found out he was cheating and when I confronted him he turned physically abusive.

I have tolerated a lot of emotional abuse in the past,starting with my family, but only physical abuse twice. 2 different men, I didn't give either of them a 2nd chance.

I don't put up with much now. I may be old, fat & ugly, but I'm not stupid.

I agree with you, I don't put up with much either. What a learning lesson, a lousy one, but one at that.

Very true. And in my cases I know my son loved his daddy. And that it would tear him apart. Also coming from a torn family I know how that is. So i put up with it for 3 years until we started loosing our house then our vehicles. He drank all the rent money and wrecked 2 vehicles within a 3 week period. That is when I said enough. I could deal with it for me but when he started taking away from my kids. That was it.

When you are totally isolated, your friends have been run off, you have only the clothes on your back as he won't let you buy anything for yourself, have no telephone most of the time, can't talk to your family, are threatened with death if you leave and you know they are capable of carrying that out, have no vehicle, he controls the money, etc., it is not an easy thing to just get up and leave.

It does take planning, especially with children involved as said above. And yes, it is hard for men to leave too, and these days more and more men are being abused by women, the statistics are growing.

In the 80s, when I was going through this, there weren't shelters close by, the nearest one was about 4 hours away, and I lived in a small town that didn't have counseling, etc. Even when he pulled the guns on me and called the cops himself and told them if they didn't come up there he would kill me, it took them an hour or more to get there, we were just outside the city limits so had to wait for the county to arrive, and they took the guns out of the house but would NOT take him, even with his threat on their 911 tape!!!!

Things have changed now, the laws are different, etc. You do not need to be locked in a basement to be trapped in a relationship, but at least now there are other avenues and resources to help people out of these poisonous relationships.

These guys will do anything short of tie you to a bed to prevent you from leaving--they will NOT throw down a red carpet. This includes telling you you won't make it without him, threatening for custody, keeping resources so you financially CAN't move, threatening, and code man you have to remember these guys made these relationships like finely tuned automobiles--to work the way they want. They instill fear to paralyze. It is not simple to leave an abuser whether or not you have children. PERIOD.

This is not a case of, 'oh this is not working out, let's go our separate ways' and get a moving truck.

To be honest, I'm offended code guy at your oversimplifying this totally horendous experience that has been shown to cause the same effects as going to war/being a prisoner of war.

Would you tell a vet to get over it and move on?

I'm not as sensitive as you are in the physical sense, but sometimes men can SAY something similar to what my ex would say or I'll see something, like on tv or a movie and it's like I feel anxiety ALL OVER AGAIN and go into my weird panic shell once in a blue. That crap sure knows how to linger in our hearts and souls!!! It makes it hard for me sometimes to relate to a new person I really care about and hope for a future with, as I can scare them or scare MYSELF out of a new relationship from that garbage.

Lest we forget.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

We're all here and sharing.

I don't tell anyone, well rarely, Merry Christmas, but . . . this is a special group. Have a Happy New Year. 2009 will be fine!

Wishing you all the best the new year has to offer. Thank you for reminding us. Take care.

Well I don't mean to sound cold in anyway. But the truth is everyone has a choice. I watch TV from time to time and I see talk shows, about teens who are abused when they were younger, and they grow up doing bad things. Or people who been treated badly in anyway and its like they GOLDEN TICKET to say hey I did this BUT this is why I did it.

To me, when it comes to life, its all about choice. If your not happy, make yourself happy.

For women to say oh I stayed because I have no where else to go, you always have some where to go, the first step is leaving. Some use the kids as an excuse, he will take my kids in court or little Timmy needs a father in his life. Timmy does not need to see mommy getting beat everyday.

I feel, and in my opinion women who are abused, hurt, beat for many, many years stay because of fear, or like I said before low self esteem. Mental issues. Its a sad story. Yet like I also said before you have a choice.

It was YOU who stayed, It was YOU who allowed your self to get verbally abusive and or physically abused. I mean yes the abuser being man or women did do that actions, but you stayed. For what ever reason you stayed.

I think Human it so easy to point the finger of blame then to say you know what. This was not working, or I did do this to myself, chalk it up and learn, and move on with your life.

you know what? it's people like you who perpetuate the myth that women who dress provocatively deserve rape and women who stay are simply defective. ugh this is so disgusting i'm out of here.

thanks everyone else for your kindness and understanding.

don't talk about what you don't know code 2#$%

god see ya

Wow, what great judgments. Are you going prematurely bald or chemo? Now, what's important in the world of judgment? JMO Merry Christmas. Grace & Peace

I know everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but until you've walked in someone else's shoes, you should keep the rudeness to yourself. We are all here to support each other, we are here to help each other heal, that sure isn't what you are here for.

I am sorry that your another sad case online trying to reach out to people for pity because in life you went down the wrong path and now seek to make a post on here to reach out to others about your pain. I am sorry that you were abused. I am sorry that you were hurt and are still hurting.

At the same time UNTIL you understand that you put your self in that pain. You will never learn. Making yourself look like a victim does not change the fact that YOU were with that man.

Everyone has red flags about them. I am sure your not dumb and blind to the world, you seen things. I am sure you picked up on things from time to time, but more the anything you second guessed stuff. Oh I am sure this was a first time thing, or oh he will change, or I am sure it was an accident. You should have went with your gut feeling. And left a lot sooner then you did.

But again I am only guess all of this because how you have lashed out at me. These are public forums. And I was only speaking my opinion about how I feel about the topic.

Again I am sorry about the pain you have been and still are having inside. But remember you always have a choice.

NJ, there is some wisdom and guidance in what he says, but the taint of judgment makes it all hard to swallow. However, he is Catholic and that adds multiple facets which non-catholic sometimes can't fathom.