y tho.
am i not worthy of the truth?

*flops down onto jaggy's therapist sofa again*

I have another one of my long-winded questions concerning my love life... get back to me whenever you can

When i was 14, i developed a crush at first sight on a guy in my class (he was hella handsome ). I later found out that he felt the same way. (he asked me to be his gf and i said no because i thought he was joking. my friends later told me that he was really depressed over that )
So we proceeded at the time like a couple of kids who were madly infatuated with each other, we did the usual kid puppy love-ish stuff, he would insist on holding my hand, we would both get jealous if the other appeared to have been flirting with someone, he would sit next to me every chance he got and put his arm around my shoulders all possessive like, but in cute sorta way, i would tease him constantly by dropping hints that i may like someone else and he would get visibly upset, which i found adorable because he was very laid back and i seemed to be the only person who could get him rattled. he even tried to convince me to marry him one day even though i told him i never want to get married after seeing my parents' relationship. it was apparent that we were together without actually officially saying we were together because he said he wanted to wait until he was older to have a gf. i was in love. this was the first time i'd been in love, i'd had crushees on cute guys before obviously, but this was the first time i'd gotten to know one of 'em and fell in love. for a guy who was that good looking, he was very intelligent, innocent, earnest, romantic and goofy, which are my ideal characteristics.

Anyhoo so this ended a year later when we came back from summer vacation and i was informed by one of my guy friends that he recently acquired a gf. I was crushed and heartbroken, didn't believe it at first but when i asked him he wouldn't give me a straight answer i took that to mean it was true. i endeavored to move on with my life but he would drop hints that he still liked me occasionally; he would accuse me of being in a relationship with the guy friend i just mentioned. i at the time couldn't understand why he would care or try to make me feel guilty about it even if it was true (and it wasn't) because i thought he'd moved on. other times he would make it a point to wave or stare at me from across a room. on one occasion when my guy friend's arms were around my waist while we were standing among of group of people chatting, he came into the room and saw it, he got visibly upset and later confronted me about telling the truth about the nature of my relationship with my friend, asking that even if i don't love him (the friend) if i at least like him a little bit. i was bemused because i didn't understand why he would care, as he not only had a gf but he had been distant with me except for the occasional flirtation.

(i know this all sounds incredibly immature and melodramatic. and you're probably wondering why this is relevant to my current life but i promise you i'm getting to the point )

Though bemused, i didn't want to think about it, i was angry and hurt with him dumping me for another girl a year prior, and then him sending mixed signals trying to prevent me from moving on so i didnt really care. i stopped talking to him.

at 16, after another summer vacation he attempted to establish a friendship again, but i acted distant. i didnt want to get hurt by him again. i would be civil and pretend i didnt know what he was talking about when he referred to us not talking to each other anymore.
The flirtation from him became less frequent that year, almost to non existence. But on one occasion we were made to work together in a group for a project, i was reluctant to work with him but i tried to remain professional and get it over with. but during one meeting while the other group member turned his back for a second, he put his hand on mine and looked into my eyes the way he used to a couple years prior. i quickly pulled away and gave him a "what the hell do u think you're doin'?" look. The 3rd group member caught that and asked if there was something going on between the 2 of us, which i denied and he just stayed silent looking at me. After that meeting, my curiosity got the better of me, i asked him if the rumours about him having a gf were true and he finally admitted to it, but they were no longer together at that time. I was heartbroken all over again because deep down i was hoping that it wasnt true.

On another occassion while flirting with me he earnestly tried to tell me that he'd changed. I refused to believe him, still angry at him slightly, and he walked off seemingly hurt that i wouldnt believe him.

That was basically the end of our interaction for the most part for the past 4 years, we attended the same high school together for 2 more years while barely speaking to each other, and now we attend the same university, along with a bunch of the same people who went to that high school with us.

My predicament here is.... even though we've both moved on, (he's been in a relationship with someone for the past couple of years, and i have had a few relationships since... including one with the guy friend i mentioned earlier but that only started around the time we were graduating) i'm still extremely infatuated with him. When we pass each other on campus my heart starts beating harder until my chest hurts and my breathing is difficult lol. The other day he playfully punched me lightly on my arm and i nearly died of a heart attack . My relationships since have been more or less sabotaged by the fact that i'm still in love with this guy and they don't campare, i end up dumping people very easily. i dont know how to make it stop.

Should i just accept that he's my first love, you never get over your first and continue on smartly from there?

do i tell him how i still feel? part of me thinks the reason i'm not over him is because the circumstances surrounding the end of our "relationship" were so ambiguous... maybe i'd get some closure by telling him how i feel.

or am i doomed to repeat failed relationship after failed relationship for the rest of my life?



anyhoo thanks for listening, i'll check back for your advice later on

yippee, i got it......i love it......dont know why i was so nervous.

my new computer

Of course you are.

The problem is that you keep picking the guys who don't believe that you do.

WOOHOO!!!!!

Have fun with it.

Let me know when you are ready to put some of the CPU cycles in use for science...lol

Jas, I'll have to answer your question when I get home from work tonight.

I am going to give it some real thought so that I can give you a decent answer.

ok i admit it.....although i am a very smart woman (a little ego stroke, sorry), when it comes to computer i am a bordeline idiot. my son will be coming by next week to show me what not to do. made me promise not to download anything other than the small list he has approved.

i knew kids were good for something.

no rush

Should i just accept that he's my first love, you never get over your first and continue on smartly from there?

do i tell him how i still feel? part of me thinks the reason i'm not over him is because the circumstances surrounding the end of our "relationship" were so ambiguous... ohwell maybe i'd get some closure by telling him how i feel.

or am i doomed to repeat failed relationship after failed relationship for the rest of my life?

Yes. Yes. and Yes.

Here's the deal.

1) You know this guy is currently in a relationship
2) You are still infatuated with him
3) You wind up sabotaging your own relationships because of it.

The best thing you can do ( in my opinion ) is to let him know how you feel.

If you don't do that, then you will continue to do what you are doing because you will never know HIS feelings about it.

Maybe he would love nothing more than to be together with you.

Maybe he truly loves the one he is with.

Either way, you keeping this stuff inside is going to do nothing at all to help you stop doing a Pearl Harbor job on your own relationships.

wow slow night?

Big time....lol

and i thought i'd have people to talk to

hmmm thanks jaggy

I don't count as people???

of course, you are the great one, so naturally you count

on second thought...

relationships are over rated anyway i dont mind singleness...

i'll leave him to it, and not say anything, to avoid awkwardness.

if he's happy great, if he's not, he knows where to find me if he still liked me.

BUt, Jas. That only means that you have " unfinished business " with this guy. That means that you will continue to sabotage your relationships.

You may as well just face facts and get it over with. Even if you aren't looking for a relationship right NOW...eventually you will be.

think i am going to go to bed, i am beat

Sleep well.