Agreed, but in that "scream" can also be a child, who because things haven't worked out the way they want them to (usually the way that makes them feel safe, granted) they try to control the entire situation.............

Compassion, yes, but that doesn't mean you allow the child to run all over you and take control of your household.

Plainome, when my hubby and I separated , I was left as sole carer and guardian of four kids, aged, 14, (male), 11, (female), 4, (male) and 2, (female)...and homeless to boot!

what a lumpy bumpy road that was!

All four of them had unique reactions to the separation... (and partial abandonment)..

I had to set aside ME, for them.... to be present and available, and create 'safe space' for them...

they had no 'voice' in the decision to separate, but had to live the consequences...

Did they over run the household?

Sure, we all did... it was crazy for a few years... but it saved their sense of self.

And not once did I need, or was I required to be violent towards them...

Amazing what respect for the individual can do..

how old is this child?

just out of curiousity..

if the child is over the age of 4 or 5 introducing a new form of punishment, especialy one as extreme as spanking, could do nothing more than just cause the situation to spiral out of controll.

tell your friend to lay boundaries and rely on friends and family to help support her.

when parents of small children are going through something as huge as a divorce the parents feel guily about the situation and rlues and punishments get more lax.

try consistancy and love.

with my 4 children.. i give them a time out.. and after the time out i have the child come and talk to me. tell me in their own words WHY they were in the corner, WHY what they did was bad, and WHAT they will do next time instead of what they did.../

granted with 4 kids we have a lot of time out time, but stay consistant. and the child will be fine!


best of luck

I completely understand your point of view.........and I agree that collaboration should exist between parent and child, but though I'm not sure that the child that the OP is referring to is this bad............there comes a point when the child becomes both verbally and abusive to everyone around them, not just you, but to the other siblings as well............and without some sort of guiding force, it will carry on.

I do not see a swat on the bottom, without yelling screaming or anger, as being violent.....but some would differ, and of course "spanking" means different things to different people. When I was a child a "spanking" was with a belt.

When it comes to "spank" or "not to spank" I think you need to define what a spanking is to you. It needs to be controlled, and no anger. It isn't meant to cause pain, but rather a sort of "shock" back to reality. If it leaves a mark, then you have a problem. Of if you're yelling and screaming......then the child is going to focus on your anger anyways.

You also have to ask yourself if it is necessary. You can't have your kid going around punching people, and if a time out doesn't work, what do you do?

You try empathizing, and listening. You let them know that they are important, and their feelings are important. You make them a priority, yes.

You will make mistakes, yes.......you also need to forgive yourself for those, otherwise the stress and such will come out within your family.

The home needs to be a safe haven for everyone, not just the children. Sorry, abuse of the parents is just as unacceptable to me, as abuse of a child. If it is going on steps need to be taken, but that doesn't mean you begin abusing.

I have swatted my son, on the bum, and it didn't even hurt him, I was calm and told him to stop what he was doing.........and it has worked. He didn't even shed a tear, but realized what he was doing was not ok.

However, if you are "spanking" you child, and they "disconnect" from you.............then what you are doing is harming your relationship.

There is, imo, a right way and a wrong way to deal with children, and if you are alienating them..........then whatever you are doing is not going to work.

However, what may alienate one child, doesn't another. Some children are hurt from a look......... You need to recognize when they have disengaged from you, and evaluate your own actions/words.

Though, Jess, I'd be interested in carrying on this convo in private. Maybe you could share some "practical" ideas with me. It may be that your way is better.......and I could learn from you.

I can only share what has worked for me, and as has been said, every child is different.

I think the most important thing is communicating with your child and keeping that connection alive.

Am running to the email room as we speak!

i dont know why you all are giving her a hard time about this, her meaning is clear enough to those who are smart enought o understand it, and if you do understand no sense in giving her a hard time is there?

anyways, i believe that there is a certain point when a parent needs to get physical with their children, like for example, repeated defiance. start light at first, just a little swat on the hand or mouth or butt whichever is appropriate for the situation

hitting= slap on hand

bad mouth= slap on mouth

anything else= slap on the bottom and so on and so forth

Noooo...no child should ever be hit on the mouth.

now don't misunderstand me, i am not saying you should hit them hard, a small swat on the mouth can go a long way, it doesnt even have to hurt. when i am watching my litle sister and on the rare occasions when she does get a mouth with me i am fair and give her a few verbal warnings first because i believe verbal warnings should always come before physical contact, ond only when she decides not to stop do i give her the smack on the mouth.
now mind you, it doesnt hurt her, but it suprises her and makes her stop. what i think she is thinking is that if she doesnt stop mouthing off then the next time it may actually hurt.
there i've said my piece

I disagree with slapping a child in the mouth wheather you are trying to be gentle or not you can not predict when a child will buck their head to either side or down and you could break and eardrum, their nose, or injure and eye. A child can even bite their own tongue or you can easily and permenently damage their face. It doesn't take a lot to cause a neck or brainstem injury striking a child on the face. It is just not worth the risk. I can promise you the hell you will go through if you do injure your child and someone reports it will defintely be more harmful to your childs personality than whatever you are punishing them for. They need disciplene apply it to the bum.

Sounds like you need Super Nanny!

Never hit a child...NEVER! Period....

Those who hit are weak minded and dont take on the challenge of true parenthood

that's your opinion.

and many others

Personally, I think that spanking is like taking the easy way out. Also, sooner or later it will backfire in some way.

I was spanked,no criminal record and my parents could take us anywhere.I always felt love but knew if I crossed the line,what would happen.We are still a close family to this day.

A couple things... first, I really don't see where it is necessary to bash this OP about grammar when she is sincerely trying to ask people for help. The world is a cruel enough place. without being cruel here... I don't mind rebuking you folks at all... you deserve ti, and you know who you are, not singling anyone out.

Second, I am thinking this matter needs professional help, and a good answer isn't going to be found amongst the argumentative opinions of this web site. My suggestion would be to have the mother seek counseling, if necessary, have the child in counseling... and if you are so emotionally connected... seek someone professional to talk to for yourself.

Life can go on and be in peace, but sometimes it takes the helping hand of someone that cares, and at times the help of someone who has made it their trade and industry to study human behavior in order to help those who at times are honest enough to ask for it.

TM

First of all I agree, it IS rude, second of all, they're not her kids, so you can't go off on her.

dolphin08,

If you would like to discuss this or ever just want a genuine, accepting friend, please message me. I read your profile, and I understand who you are... just offering a friendly person to you if you ever need it.


Jim

A child should never be smacked on the mouth!

Children should NEVER be hit in the face! And quite frankly, how much sense does it make to tell your child it is wrong to hit by hitting them? I've never understood that.

BTW, I have spanked my son, as a last resort ONLY when everything else had failed. Am I proud of this, heck no! And to be honest, it wasn't even effective. And I have NEVER hit him with anything but my open hand on his bottom and NEVER more than 2 swats.

I was hit as a child and you know what it taught me, it taught me that I should be afraid of displeasing my mother, therefore, when serious issues came up, I never felt like I could go to my mother and have anything but her anger. It told me that when I was hurting and lashing out because that was the only outlet I had, that it was wrong and I would be punished for it.

I'm not saying spanking is always wrong or always right, too many shades of gray about that and everything else in this world. What I am saying is if you are going to spank, make damn sure you know what message you are sending your child and know that you could cause irrevocable damage if you use it wrongfully.