Love widows. Not scared of them at all. Have had good times relating with them.

I think that is more in the guys mind than the woman's because I have definitely heard that kind of stuff from guys. I was lucky I was married to a pretty good guy that honestly I loved but he had his faults and I am not looking for a duplicate on any scores except that he loves and respects me.

or walking wounded.

I know that happens but I still find some guys just expect you to be still in love no matter how long a time has passed. You get a lot of pressure from the family to keep the dead spouse alive for the grandparents or the children. I have had people tell me I haven't moved on because I collect a pension from insurance coverage I helped pay for. I talk about my late husband in the same frame of reference as I do most other relationships. What I learned from them and how they effected my life. I really don't know why it is somehow more acceptable to talk about a divorced spouse but a dead one seems to freak every one out.

I do think that some of it is just jealousy. If you are widowed they system doesn't punish you like a divorce does and you do collect it pretty regularly. The flip side of that is you can never go to court to get a raise in benifits. As the years go by you get poorer and poorer. That you can not have a private life is no joke either. If you cohabitate you are out of the water.

Being a widower I find it easier to relate with a widow than a divorcee. I have found that it does freak out a divorcee. I just got a response from a divorcee when relating with another widower about what I had in common with the widower and the divorcee gave me the impression of what does that make her -'chopped liver'. It was like some type of jealousy over someone who isn't alive any more. It is like this special part of my life I just can't share with a divorcee. It is like the divorcee tried to relate but just couldn't. It would be like a woman trying to explain to man what pregnancy feels like. Widows just seem more compassionate to me than divorcees but that might be just a phase I am going through right now.

It has been the better part of three years for me. I think they feel they have to live up to the expectation of your former mate, or maybe we unknowingly put off that vibe.

1. Unconditional Emotional Baggage
2. Always susceptable to the argument: "If John was still alive, he'd do this"
3. Always susceptable to the argument: "John would NEVER do that"
4. We'd probably never hear the end to stories about John
5. Never live up to John's standard
6. John loved this, why don't you?

I'm confused. Your profile doesn't say that you are a widow.

pffft! seriously?
I'm uncrushing on you.
If someone actually did that to themselves and their partner I feel really sorry for them.

That might be true. I thought it was more of and older generation thing but I guess not. It is wild because I have been divorced and now widowed it is a whole different response. It is like you are unlucky or something. People joke about did you kill him and if you joke back and say yes they run for the hills. lol

we weren't married but had been together for 10 years. I don't usually talk about it.

The length of time does make a difference. At first for me it was replacement. I was out of physical relation for two months. Found someone and it was love at first sight. It was awesome for a month but then she passed, too. Both heart attacks. Then was told at the grief share meeting that you just can't rush it. It is a whole new relationship. Have to go through the grieving process until it lets you go; Whenever that is. With some divorcees it is like a Bart Simpson reaction of, "Are we there, yet?" Or get over it already. You need to get over this and move on. Of course you have to get over it but you can't get over it until you are actually over it.

Oh, yeah. Definitely different. With the divorce it didn't work and with the passing it did work accept the person is no longer with you but for a different reason. Oh, I have heard the jokes. Did you kill them with sex? My how they can be so cruel.

I think, and this is just my personal opinion, that the " freak out " part of it comes from the fact that people see death as a lot more traumatic than divorce.

Divorce is usually by choice. Being widowed usually isn't. Unless, of course, you really did kill him/her.

I am trying to pick my jaw up off the floor!!!

#1 Unconditional Emotional Baggage; sorry that phrase does not compute? Emotional baggage is pretty much gobbly de gook to me anyway but unconditional? The condition he is gone and I want a relationship with you not a corpse.

#2 If john were still alive he would do this. LOL I was married to a military man so if anything I would have to say if he was still alive I would still be doing it out of habit. That also might be from the point that I spent more of my life taking care of myself than I did the relatively short time we were married but to assume a deceased husband is somehow a saint that did any more than the average joe is really pushing it.

#3 I do not use what anyone else does to win and arguement. You deal with me. What the crimey kind of logic is that to say how someone dead would do something. I could not predict what my husband would do any more than I can predict what you are going to do. That is so lame; ranks right down there with how my Daddy does something. Surely you don't think a grown woman is that immature.

#4 I am sorry I don't like telling stories about "John". I think it is kind of creepy being a kiss and tell and I live more in the now and the future than I have ever lived in the past. I don't want to hear about your past loves why would I want to talk about mine.

#5 The only standards a guy has to live up to are my standards and granted they are high but that is not "John's " fault he had to live up to them to or he would have been an Ex like the Ex.

#6 Do you assume your current lover likes something just because a past female liked it? That is ridiculous to think that all men are alike as much as it is that all women are alike. Give me a little credit for getting to know you and your likes and dislikes and keeping them straight. I do assume you see yourself as a unique individual don't you?

I think it takes a really strong and patient person. I hope, OP and Trout, that you have the benefit of meeting someone who is capable of seeing the beauty in loving someone who is no longer here.

I dunno? I was just answering the question of what fears guys might have? Don't take it as my personal feelings... I was just throwing it out there

nope. I've uncrushed. there is no going back.

Well I don't know which I found more traumatic. Both are traumatic in different ways. I am sure there are the long drawn out divorces just like there are the long drawn out illnesses/death's. Divorce leaves you without certain economic advantages and community support initially but at least when you are younger they expect you to get over it a lot quicker and see the insurance as a windfall which it rarely is. Most people don't have a clue how expensive death is and that it cuts off your credit just like a divorce. In a divorce people allow you to be angry but if someone dies you are not often afforded that emotion regardless of the mess you find yourself in. In death there is no one to consult about anything through lawyers or otherwise. But believe you people come out of the woodwork telling you what your spouse promised them right down to the pennys on their eyelids. If you think widows get any dignity or respect or any real time to collect themselves you are kidding yourself. I was pretty lucky our kids were my kids but I have seen some widows have their family more or less taken over by "well meaning" family in and effort to control everything form the estate to the kids. At least in a divorce the parent isn't being grieved in the same way. Kids tend to try to fill the void;especially boys. Especially when society tells them they are now the man of the house. If a Dad didn't leave enough for the kids to be taken care of it is not like you can complain about him being a deadbeat dad. What is really screwed up is that now days the whole animosity that you some how think you are better off because you are widowed instead of divorced. We get rarely do women choose to be divorced unless they are forced into it and we sure didn't choose to be widowed. Most divorce's don't have to deal with the trauma of witdrawing life supports even if they daydream about it when they are mad. With modern technology a lot of widows do to some degree or another. And at least in divorce you get to say good bye more often than not.

You're going to uncrush me because I answered the question "WHY IS MEN SCARED OF WIDOWS???"


ok.......