I've a friend who is real sweet and kind. I want to fix her up on a date. But she won't let me, because she is HIV positive. And she does not date because of it. Every time she try to talk to someone she likes and tells them of her status. She never hears from them again. I don't think it's fair that she cannot find someone to be with just, because she is positive. She is a real honest person and so she tells that person up front that she is positive. She says they have a right to know up front who they are dealing with. And I get that really. So my question is should she wait a little while. Like a few weeks into the relationship, before telling them. After that person has gotten to know what kind of person she is on the inside. Or should she continue to tell them up front as usual. She tells me that she also tells them up front to get it out of the way and by doing so. It won't be so hard to tell them later.

A friend

P.S. She has kids who are perfectly health. They are 15 & 14 years old. She been positive since 1991 and still healthy herself.

Your friend has a very good point.

Waiting to tell someone something of that magnitude would be considered " hiding " it. Even if it is only for a few weeks.

It also allows her the ability to tell them before she can get really attached to someone.

Has she considered fishing in the pool of HIV+ men?

I got stressed out just reading this. This is a very touchy subject..... potentially more difficult than, "sorry, I am really a man."

I don't know if there really is any kind of opportunity for her... long term.

I am pretty sure that I don't know enough about HIV to say what the concerns are. But considering that even having kids for a potential date can be an instant ender in many cases...

Thats some serious stuff and I'd like to know right away

There should be a way for HIV+ people to meet each other.

She needs to continue to tell them right away. A couple of weeks isn't going to change someone's mind about not wanting to date someone who carries the virus, and justaguy has a point, it would seem like she's hiding it.

Being honest up front will help weed out the assholes too.

I'm pretty sure there are many.

..yah, seriously..this is the direction i would suggest going in..do some research..i strongly suspect there are people that want to meet and are in the same circumstance..

Roco

There is a dating site for them.

That's something she needs to continue to say right up front. She is doing the right thing.

I agree. I was talking for awhile with somebody on-line. At our first meeting he told me that he had lung cancer. I would have liked him to have told that me sooner.

My personal opinion is that..as long as she tells them before any sexual activity occurs then she is fine. Otherwise, I see how she has a point in telling them striaght up..but at the same time..if they are not together then it is none of their businness..once they began getting closer than I see how it is totally their business, but until then I don't see why she has to tell anyone. Maybe by doing this the other person will get to know her for who she is, then will be able to look past the fact that there is more to her than her "health". But like I said..that is my opinion!

Your friend needs you for support not a matchmaker service. Dealing with a major health issue is hard enough without it kicking the foundation out from under a relationship because you have not told someone from the start. If you want to help your friend let her be in charge of her own life and don't try to take what choices she does have away from her. Now that people are living longer and well it is possible that she will find someone who can accept her as a person first. People with HIV are continueing with their lives like everyone else and some date and get into loving relationships. This may or may not be your friends goal at any given time but running her life her way most likely is. Try to give her a soft place to fall when the inevitable people who can not handle it come her way. But encourageing her to be less than truthful could very well get her hurt or killed. There are still people who are ignorant and would not take that news well after the fact. Even if your friend was extreamly responsible.

Ok. But....let's say you really like this guy....and you are getting to the point where sexual contact is likely.....then he tells you that he has HIV.

Wouldn't you have rather known that in the first place?

Doesn't it make for a BIG change, no matter how much of a good person he is??

Upfront is the best way to go with a condition like that. I would steer clear of playing matchmaker, period...that never goes over correctly, and very rarely works. Let her make her own choices, she has that ability. There is someone out there that will accept her condition and want to further the relationship, until then you have to go through the ones that say "I like honesty (until it bites me in the ass)".

By telling them straight up she does ween out those who would reject her later down the line. On another note with that by doing so and they do accept her she is protected should they do get sexualy active and she pass's it to her partner. Your friend is most liekly aware of this herself and is problably an extra motivation to jsut get that part out in the open before anything gets too serious. If she did pass on the disease and never told them then they would have means to press charges. Just the way it works. Your friend is also an adult. Leave her alone and be that shoulder to cry on should she find someone that she realy likes and rejects her.

Alot of good points made here.
And I agree with wanting to be told up-front.
And there are many who openly say their HIV on their profiles, or at least I have seen some that have that written.
She should seek out a dude that is also infected
and then she would have no problems with being that way.
PLUS the guy is probably going through her same frustrations, so he to would be happy he found someone. Just my thoughts.
Good luck and its COOL you care about her happiness..

Fascism sounds better and better every day.