We have a mingle2AA thread. Is there one for CODA or ALANON?

Don't know but we could always make one.

Thanks.

You're welcome. I am a dually recovering alcoholic and addict. Can't wait to get my 25 year medallion for both November 11. They are having an early Halloween party the next town over. I was going to go but had fun painting.

Congrats! It is great to hear success stories. Keep doing it one day at a time.

I found some Alanon meetings in my local area - looking for CODA.

It is hard letting go of investment in an active user, letting them (hopefully learn and grow) from their own mistakes and life experiences. Especially when you love them and have given them and the relationship your all.

It frightens me when a person denies or cannot realise that the drug has control of them, that they are out of control. Even after it has just about destroyed them.

All the same, I realise that I must, and that I am not alone. I realise that my task is to focus on my personal happiness and health, on taking care of my own business.

I have faith (if not hope) that they will come to safety, peace, and serenity. I release investment in the outcome. I'm powerless over their addiction.

Its still sad.

Alanon is a wonderful program. While my wife then at the time and me were to show up for a counseling session for my son the counselor told my wife and me that we were codependent. She gave us a book on codependency but neither us read it. The counselor got to hear my son and wife talk. I sat there during the meeting not interrupting my wife and son while the counselor was talking to them. My wife and son were outspoken people but I have always been introverted. But later after the counselor had talked to my wife and son the counselor and me had a great session. I got to share with the counselor some of the things I had learned in A. A. I found out that the counselor was in A. A. and had a number of years in the program. My wife even attended an Alanon meeting later because she had noticed that we seem to get along better after I had a meeting. There were many times she got so frustrated with me that she told me that I needed a meeting. Of course, I was the one with the problem. Later, we got a divorce and so far that has cured the problem.

He agreed to go to couples' counseling with me, at the suggestion of someone who told me it might help, since we considered each other family before I threw him out. The condition for it is that I commit to him deeply, the way we were before. I will commit, as scary as that feels right now, but I will not allow myself to be taken advantage of by him in any way, shape, or form. He must be able to accept those limits and boundaries.

I'm having such a hard time letting go, even when intellectually, I know it is the right thing. Even when his family and closest friends say to, that he will never heal himself or save what is left of himself and his life. I love him. There are certain things about his personality and who he is that I admire and need. But, do they outweigh his problems? No. Of course not.

It is hard finding a therapist that will see us. Most want us to split up. They realise, and rightfully so, that unless he wants to change, to stop, he will destroy himself, his life, and eventually, all he touches. He says he has no problems and has no intention of ever changing his lifestyle. I do not seek to control or change or heal him, because I know I can't and because I know it is none of my business.

Most of the therapists I have called want to see me separately. They see hope there and the desire to change the dysfunction. I'm already getting the best help I can, right now, outside of counseling; and, I have more psychotherapy under my belt than most people I know. I have done enough of it to know what in me is possible of changing, what is not, and what I must do to learn to accept and forgive the things about myself I cannot change. I have insight and I have support. I am in the best place, for me.

Even if we find a therapist who will be willing to see us as a couple - he wants to learn more about what makes me "tick" and grudgingly, what makes him "tick", as well - it will probably be over within a session or two. No therapist will continue to work with someone who is impaired or unwilling to change. At that point, I know I will have tried all there was; and that I must shut the door for good, as painful as that will be for me.

Is it worth it? Taking this chance, this risk? Opening up freshly scabbing wounds to try again? I don't know. All I have is hope. Not hope in myself or him; but hope in my higher power.

I wonder, can mingle2's tech support do something about the "sensitivity" of the submit button? All the duplicate posts we get are a bit annoying.

Yeah. You got to do what is right for you. I just got back from a meeting. I love the group hugs and being a groupie.

Edit:

Angel, email me.

supporting is good. becareful you don't become an enabler.

It doesn't sound like he's willing to change. You might want to think about preparing yourself for the worst

Best wishes
Livelife

Read it and processing. I will soon. Thanks!

"he wants to learn more about what makes me "tick"

That screams, "Wanting to have have more amo for manipulation" to me.

There is a great on-line Nar-Anon group on Yahoo Groups.

Behavior doesn't match words, it seems.

I'm tired of the games and the mind****s. The empty promises and lies. Tired of the chaos.

Thank you for the recommendations for the Alanon and other groups.

I wish you all love and light. Be well.


~a

You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

I'm always drawn to those who will violate my trust; and, because of the disappointments and pain I've endured in my life, I am perhaps one of the most mistrusting people you will ever meet, despite how it looks on the outside.

I do not trust myself to know when someone is honest, reliable, and trustworthy anymore. Seriously. I do not trust in myself to make the right choices anymore.

I got to that point when I went into treatment, angel. I didn't know what the word addict or alcoholic really meant. I just thought I was crazy. At the Alanon groups I got some help that I didn't get at A. A. or N. A. I just wasn't an alcoholic; I was the son of an alcoholic, too. The Alanons told me that the disease affects the whole family including the wife and the kids and just about anyone associated with them not just the alcoholic and the same holds true for addicts, too. After I went back to my wife the second time and remarried her she had gotten used to the way I used to be. It is fortunate that you are going to the groups because they can help you, too. It is like the counseling sessions if you both don't work it; It won't do any good. They told me to stay out of relationships altogether for about a year. I hope he gets help whether you two get back together or not. I hope you enjoy the meetings; Sometimes I go just for the socializing and the coffee.

I've been to that place, where I just didn't trust my own judgements, everything I did seemed to go horribly wrong. I was always unsure of what decisions to make if any at all. I found someone who seemed to be willing to help. Who I could identify with and who I thought had some similar life experiences. I took a chance and I forced myself to trust this person. First with very small things in my life. I listened to this persons suggestions and acted on some of them. Things turned out well and I put more trust in this person. Over time I saw my past mistakes and learned from them. I saw how taking the suggestions changed my life for the better and learned from them as well. I then started making decisions on my own. Always discussing them with this person to get there feedback. I found that the decisions I was making were good decisions and eventually over time gained more trust in my own decision making.

This is my experience, this is what has worked for me. It may or may not be of help to you. Hopefully it's at least something to think about.

best wishes

I have this little buddy. He thinks that it is cool that I don't do drugs any more. Not his bag since he still likes to toke. He asked me to come pick him up for work. I said no problem since it isn't out of my way very much. I gave him a ride to work. He said he thought it was nice that I would come pick him up since I didn't work, today. I thought that is right I don't work, today. So I am back home now.

Make one. Many of us alkies are also perfectly normal codependents too, dontcha know.