A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of the world.

Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.

He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.

'They're mating,' her father replied.

'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.

'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.

'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.

As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he
replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'

The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took
her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that
Broke Back Mountain sh!t in our garden.'

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he Wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in."

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass !

Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his Thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars."

"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.

The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"

"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.

The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"

Again Leroy said no.

Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then> what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumofa***** who pushed me in the pool."

Venus-Mars Translation Dictionary


1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female..... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMM UNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female..... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.. A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female..... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 . REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.. A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND;

He said... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said ...Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said ... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said ... We don't know; it has never happened.

He said ... Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Jack and Jill were having a dinner party for all their friends at the beach. Jill was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked Fielding to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself 'Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me.' He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, 'Oh no!!! Jill's dinner party!!!' Jack gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry Jill standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: 'Come on guys, we're almost there!'

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we
started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios. "WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear
with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, You can just stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself". One the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked.

He's so horny and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board. After a few minutes of ‘slap and tickle’, they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge. Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Just great, a-hole, when I fired the pistol my wife pooped on my face, bit 3 inches off my unit, and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Wed Jan 14, 3:21 pm ET
LIMA (Reuters) – Peru's top court has ruled that workers cannot be fired for being drunk on the job, a decision that was criticized by the government on Wednesday for setting a dangerous precedent.

The Constitutional Tribunal ordered that Pablo Cayo be given his job back as a janitor for the municipality of Chorrillos, which fired him for being intoxicated at work.

The firing was excessive because even though Cayo was drunk, he did not offend or hurt anybody, Fernando Calle, one of the justices, said on Wednesday.

Calle said the court would not revise its decision, despite complaints from the government.

"It's not a good idea to relax rules at workplaces," said Labor Minister Jorge Villasante.

Celso Becerra, the administrative chief of Chorrillos, a suburb of Lima, denounced the ruling.

"We've fired four workers for showing up drunk, and two of them were drivers," he said. "How can we allow a drunk to work who might run somebody over?"

(Reporting by Marco Aquino; Writing by Terry Wade; Editing by Dana Ford)

tracheotomy

What about Sonic?

ridiculous

tins

Sublime

no crushes for me

surely you jest?

hows that working out for you? lol

that very well could be

ok you caught me, i was talking to myself, lol

its not the lengthy conversations i'm looking for, i just don't understand why someone would try and have a conversation and then just not say anything